Chapter 8
The skilled listener
‘I tried to discover, in the rumour of forests and waves, words that other men could not hear, and I pricked up my ears to listen to the revelation of their harmony.'
Gustave Flaubert
If there was just one skill for leaders to master it would be this one — the art of listening! This is an activity in which many leaders have plenty of room for improvement. It's a hugely valuable skill to hone in both our professional and personal lives.
Former US secretary of state Dean Rusk said, ‘One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears — by listening to them.' In his book What Got You Here Won't Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith argues that ‘80 per cent of our success in learning from other people is based upon how well we listen'. Goldsmith also emphasises the importance of not interrupting or finishing the other person's sentences, and resisting any temptation to impress them with how smart or funny you are, and of not being distracted by letting your eyes or attention wander. These are great tips for leaders in any context.
Listening is more than hearing; it's being alert to both verbal and nonverbal cues. The skilled listener is attentive to subtle underlying messages and all that is said and not said, noting the language, tone and posture used in delivery.
The skilled listener also listens to and trusts their intuition. Intuition is not blind faith; more often than not it's a leader's experience talking. Important cues to employee disquiet (or delight) can take many forms. The career story accompanying this chapter highlights how critical employee engagement information can be packaged and communicated in disguise.
Persuade with your ears
We've all heard of disagreements triggered by one party simply hearing something in the other's words different from what was intended. The disagreement is likely to continue until someone breaks the cycle of misunderstanding by first clarifying what has been said and internalised. Sometimes this can take some time! When two people are in a heated argument, have you noticed who's doing the listening? You're right — neither is listening to anything the other person has to say!
This might lead you to ask, ‘Why bother arguing at all?' Attentive and insightful listening is an essential skill set for conducting career conversations that are rewarding for both parties. There is no greater respect you can pay someone than to give them your undivided attention and really listen and learn from what they have to say. This helps build rapport, trust and empathy, which are the building blocks of robust relationships.
Sincerity is an imperative leadership trait. The authentic leader demonstrates humility and sincerity in spades. Employees can spot an impostor a mile away and will probably close down or, worse, play their manager at their own game. Both responses are unproductive and a sure-fire way to undermine relationships.
Effective leaders know when and how to use self-disclosure to build connection. This is where self-insight is useful. Self-disclosure is not always appropriate, but it can be a powerful way to demonstrate empathy and humility and to build trust. However, too much or poorly timed self-disclosure can derail relationships, so it should be deployed thoughtfully and prudently.
Four levels of listening
The following four levels of listening (adapted from Julie Starr's 2016 book The Coaching Manual, 4th edition) will assist you in focusing your listening skills and provide context for further skills practice and development.
Cosmetic listening
Cosmetic listeners make a show of listening when in fact they're not. This can be a major derailer of career conversations (or any other conversation, for that matter), as it can be perceived as disrespectful.
As a leader, you risk missing critical pertinent information in career conversations, which can lead to wrong conclusions or no conclusions at all! Parties are a common setting for cosmetic listening. Think of a time when the person you were talking to appeared to be preoccupied, their eyes scanning the room as though searching for someone more interesting or important to talk to! Being on the receiving end of such obviously insincere and condescending behaviour can rock your self-esteem and even destroy relationships.
It is vital to show respect and empathy by giving others our full and complete attention. Sometimes even experienced leaders unintentionally slip into cosmetic listening mode. Busy leaders are frequently preoccupied by events outside the career conversation. This lack of focus interferes with their ability to truly listen in a career conversation. Sometimes it might be best to acknowledge the distraction and reschedule the meeting for a later time. Simply apologising and being open and transparent is the best approach in this event.
Conversational listening
Conversational listeners listen superficially, but not to what is actually being said so much as for cues that they can now step in and have their say! As with cosmetic listeners, conversational listeners will miss critical information in their self-centred enthusiasm for making their point. When watching two people argue, how often have you been struck by how neither is really listening to the other? Yet argument seems to be as natural as breathing for many of us! Like cosmetic listening, conversational listening undermines career conversations and should be avoided.
Active listening
Unlike cosmetic and conversational listening, active listening is a valuable skill in career conversations. Active listeners are present and attentive in the here and now. They can accurately record the content of conversations in written notes. Students in a lecture or jurors in a courtroom need to employ active listening. These skills, including the ability to maintain focus in the face of distractions, improve with practice. Being aware of the need to be present and alert, to the extent that you can record or remember the conversation accurately, is a good place to start in getting on the right track.
Deep listening
Similar to active listening, deep listening requires the listener to be fully in the here and now and acutely aware of what is being said, but it takes this consciousness to the next level. It requires the listener to be connected to the speaker and attuned not just to what they are saying but to how they are saying it. Deep listeners are aware of the speaker's tone of voice, body language and level of animation when delivering their messages.
As a leader, you will find you can best help your employees when you're in deep listening mode, especially when engaged in career conversations. It clearly demonstrates the care, respect and empathy you have for them. It will help create a safe, fear-free environment in which your employees feel they can be open and frank with you as their leader.
Zoe's career story
An interstate employee, Zoe, emailed me with a one-sentence question. I was Zoe's two-up leader in the organisational development department of a large company. A talented and technically strong organisational psychologist, Zoe had been with the company for a number of years.
Her personality attributes included an inclination towards introversion, which meant she was not especially comfortable about discussing her attitudes and feelings with others. That said, Zoe was articulate and typically economical with words. You could say she had a no-nonsense and direct communication style, particularly in matters relating to herself.
At first glance, Zoe's question seemed innocuous enough and it would have been really easy to shoot back a simple ‘yes'. However, my radar and intuition, combined with my experience in working with Zoe, were setting off a warning bell that encouraged me to probe further. So instead of replying by email, I picked up the phone straight away and called her.
I used direct but open and probing questions to see what reaction I would get.
‘Thanks for your email, Zoe,' I said. ‘The answer is yes, but I'm curious as to what's behind it.' My gentle probing hit a raw nerve and opened up a long conversation about some things that were troubling Zoe in her local office. It had reached a point where she was seriously considering accepting an unsolicited offer from a competitor. We would have been devastated if Zoe had resigned. Although she felt uncomfortable discussing it, she was evidently relieved to share it with me, even if it was over the phone.
I was able to help settle Zoe's concerns then and there. I followed up with a personal face-to-face visit shortly after to make sure the problem was resolved to her satisfaction. Zoe was delighted with the outcome and remained a loyal high performer.
Key learnings
Good listening is a powerful means of turning a negative employee experience into a positive one. It's one of the easiest and best ways I know of ensuring you engage and retain your talented employees.
Timing and being attuned to your employees' communication styles will strengthen your relationships and sustain their loyalty. Employee issues can often be solved quite painlessly through effective listening and communication.
Trust your intuition and internal radar; don't ignore the signals or procrastinate on taking action, because any delay could mean it will be too late!