Chapter 3
Fit your own mask first
‘Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.'
Oscar Wilde
Airline passenger safety messages commonly instruct parents to fit their own oxygen mask before helping a child. It can feel counter-intuitive not to prioritise your children in an emergency, but you won't be able to help anyone else if you yourself are unconscious. In the same way, when helping others navigate their careers, the place to start is you!
Even if you are struggling with your own career goals, this does not preclude you from being effective in helping others with theirs. The most important thing is that you have the self-awareness to know where you are at. The better you know yourself and your own career drivers, the better equipped you will be to lead and help others with theirs.
A simple way to uncover your own career motivators is to review your career and identify your work-related values and career drivers. Chapter 4 includes exercises to help you in this (and to support your employees in doing the same). The aim is to identify connecting themes and patterns in your career journey to better understand how you make decisions and who or what might have influenced them. Discovering what drives your career progress will help you do the same for your employees. This is a vital first step. In documenting your career milestones, together with the outputs of these exercises, you may uncover an unexpected transition point.
Although there are many career assessment exercises available, I have found that using a narrative approach with employees is one of the most effective ways of helping them to recognise previous transition points, clarify their career direction and articulate clear career goals.
At first glance, retirement advice may seem an unlikely reference point for career development, but Kenneth Schultz, Megan Kaye and Mike Annesley's book Retirement: The Psychology of Reinvention has some illuminating messages for those in all stages of career development, from early to late career. Drawing on cognitive psychology, the authors explain how, consciously or unconsciously, we all follow a life script, using it to make sense of our experience. How we choose to interpret that script we have in our head is entirely up to us. ‘Sometimes,' they suggest, ‘we may generalise in a way that absolves us of blame for our own disappointments.'
Leaders should encourage their employees to tell their own story, to help them unpack and identify the key themes. They should not be reticent about challenging an employee's interpretation of the events that have led them to their current position. This is particularly important if the employee sees their experiences in a negative, unhelpful light or fails to identify critical aspects that have played a role in successes or failures in their career. In my experience, this is valuable not just for those in mid or late career with plenty of experience, but also for those in their early working life with limited career experience.
In sharing their story, guided by thought-provoking questions, employees will often experience a ‘light bulb moment' when insight shines through the haze. In later chapters I will cover in more detail how to structure career conversations and goal setting. Despite my preference for taking a narrative approach to career conversations, I also include several assessment exercises in chapter 4. I have found these self-assessments among the most useful from the myriads available.
Where and how emotional intelligence fits
You will have heard plenty about emotional intelligence (EQ). For all that's been researched, written and discussed, I like to think of it simply in terms of not letting your emotions stop you from achieving your goals. That said, and as much as I like my simplistic definition, there is a good deal more to be gained from EQ, particularly from the standpoint of resonant leadership. Moreover, EQ capability and how to assess, develop and apply it have evolved significantly since its origins in the nineties.
According to psychologist and author Daniel Goleman, who popularised the EQ model in 1995, EQ is of much greater importance than IQ and technical skills for successful leadership.
In his book The New Leaders, Goleman argues that what he calls primal leadership is most effective when engaged in by emotionally intelligent leaders who by definition understand the power of creating resonance. Intellect alone is not enough. Intellect and emotions are controlled by different neural systems in the brain. The prefrontal-limbic circuitry controls our emotional intelligence competencies while the neocortex drives cognitive abilities such as technical skills.
Emotionally intelligent leaders also understand the negative impact that dissonance can have on teams and the organisation. I saw this powerfully demonstrated in one organisation I worked in where a poorly executed restructure took the organisation from solid resonance to unequivocal dissonance in a matter of weeks, with disastrous results. Resonance can be dismantled very quickly by errors of judgement or even a change of leadership. In this case, it took more than two years to re-establish trust and any form of organisational resonance. The senior leadership team responsible for the restructure were intellectually clever, but collectively lacked the EQ to ‘read' the temperature and pulse of the organisation and therefore failed to adequately prepare it for the change process.
This example underscores how teams, as well as individuals, can benefit from becoming emotionally intelligent and why Goleman stresses the importance of developing empathy in order to develop resonance. Leaders must be self-aware and able to control their own emotions before they can deal with the emotions of others and truly ‘connect'. Importantly, Goleman contends that EQ competencies can be learned. He identifies the four main EQ competence clusters as:
- self-awareness
- self-management
- social awareness
- relationship management.
Goleman also points to how humour, used wisely, can be an effective leadership tool and support the development of resonance. Laughter, he suggests, is a mostly spontaneous action. Its presence suggests, and reinforces, trust and openness.
Intellectual, emotional and practical intelligence
I want to clarify the differences between intellectual, emotional and practical intelligence. Intellectual intelligence relates to our ‘cognitive horsepower' and can be thought of as academic intelligence. Examples include analytical, creative and insightful thinking, all of which are skills required for effective leadership. Practical intelligence relies on tacit knowledge, which is knowledge that's learned through life experiences as opposed to in the classroom.
Emotional intelligence, on the other hand, is concerned with attributes that enable us to understand and manage our emotions to facilitate goal achievement. The research demonstrates overwhelmingly that EQ is a critical aspect of effective leadership.
In summary, emotionally intelligent leaders are self-aware and socially aware, and can control their emotions and manage relationships. It follows that your EQ capability will relate directly to your ability to hold effective career conversations.
Career coaching attributes, skills and knowledge
So what are the key attributes, skills and knowledge you need to master, as a leader, in order to guide and coach your employees in their careers? I have already touched on some of them, but here I'll offer a more comprehensive summary:
- self-awareness — understanding self and having an interest in self-knowledge
- behavioural awareness — showing insight into and understanding of others
- curiosity — having innate interest in others and in supporting their development
- challenging skills — inspiring personal change and transition
- agility — being flexible and adaptable while keeping an open mind
- solution focused — effective use of communication and listening skills
- EQ and relationship management — building empathy and trust while managing appropriate personal boundaries
- maintaining perspective — looking at the whole picture and keeping a realistic sense of proportion
- creativity and intellectual ability — fostering diversity of thought, innovation and conceptualisation
- self-marketing — being aware of the techniques (and risks) of personal branding and networking
- credibility — displaying organisational and professional acumen, savvy and nous mediated by a healthy dose of humility!
- self-development — role modelling a commitment to lifelong learning
- vision and goal setting — demonstrated capacity to set goals and to stay focused and on track
- career management — modelling an understanding of internal and external organisational career pathways and the broader world of work as well as familiarity with the use of basic career management tools
- ethics — manifesting integrity and commitment to confidentiality.
Evaluation of coaching competencies
Take a moment to self-rate your career coaching skills and knowledge using table 3.1. In assessing your capability for each area, don't overthink each rating — just mark down the number that first comes to mind.
Table 3.1: assessing your career coaching skills
| 15 core career coaching skills — rate yourself (1 = low, 5 = high) | |||||
| Self-awareness (understanding self) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Behavioural awareness (showing insight into others) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Curiosity (innate interest in others) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Challenging skills (inspiring personal change) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Agility (being flexible and adaptable) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Solution focused (communication and listening skills) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| EQ and relationship management (building empathy and trust) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Maintaining perspective (looking at the whole picture) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Creative and intellectual ability (diversity and innovation) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Self-marketing (personal branding and networking) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Credibility (displaying professional acumen and savvy) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Self-development (commitment to lifelong learning) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Vision and goal setting (capacity to stay focused and on track) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Career management (career pathways and tools) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Ethics (integrity and commitment to confidentiality) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
Don't worry if you find you have scored yourself poorly on some skills. If you're like most people it's likely you'll be tougher on yourself than others would be.
After completing this assessment, try asking yourself these questions and think about your answers:
- How would my peers and employees rate me?
- How might their assessments differ from mine?
The purpose of this assessment is to help you reflect on where you can improve your career coaching skills and knowledge. Incremental improvements, no matter how small, are beneficial; in a sense, the smaller the better, as they're the ones that are more likely to be achieved! For example, if you rate yourself a 1 on any scale, think of how you could move that up to a 2; if you rate yourself a 2, what might you do to move up to 3?
This simple self-evaluation is a great place for leaders to start building their capability to hold better career conversations with their employees. Chapter 4 outlines useful exercises to learn more about yourself as a leader in order to be better equipped to understand and help others find career clarity and direction.
Marion's career story
Marion was the CFO of a large manufacturing firm. The company had recently restructured and changed its strategy and direction to counter increasing competition and market restructuring in their industry sector. This caused significant cash flow issues, which Marion and her team had been quietly managing.
Marion's direct report, Jack, was the senior management accountant. Jack, who has been with the firm for seven years, had recently begun voicing criticisms of the company. This fault-finding had unsettled other team members; even the newly appointed managing director had noticed Jack's critical demeanour.
Jack's behaviour caught Marion off guard. He had previously appeared to be settled in his career and was otherwise an exemplary employee, so she knew it was out of character. Her intuition told her that Jack's overt and at times over-the-top criticisms might signal a deeper issue.
Marion knew she had to talk to Jack to ‘nip this issue in the bud', but she felt nervous about approaching him in his current state of mind. And she wasn't at all sure of how to bring his behaviour up with him in conversation, so for some time she procrastinated.
By way of background, around the time Jack's criticisms arose, Marion was adjusting to the leadership style of the newly appointed MD. This stressor, together with long working hours and the demands of her home life, undermined her enjoyment of work and led her to question her career direction.
As a senior manager, Marion understood the importance of maintaining emotional control and her executive disposition.
To help her navigate these challenges she decided she needed to consult an external mentor, a former CFO and now a skilled career coach. After a few sessions, Marion began to feel more settled and able to compartmentalise her own career concerns, and as a result she thought she was in a better position to help Jack.
Marion had previously enjoyed a good working relationship with Jack (or so she thought). Now she felt confident enough to approach him to ask what needed to be asked. She used simple questioning techniques designed to put Jack at ease, such as requesting his permission to ask about his concerns. To take the heat out of the moment and disarm Jack's natural oppositional reflex, she was empathetic, avoided judgement and acknowledged his emotions. Marion's conversation with Jack proved timely and her intuition correct, and Jack immediately warmed to his boss's approach. He soon opened up and shared that he was feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. Unable to see his next career step in the company, he had decided to resign.
Marion was shocked to hear that Jack felt this way, as she had thought she was providing ample recognition, feedback and leadership. Armed with this new insight, Marion was able to engage with Jack and, using behavioural examples, convince him that being antagonistic wasn't the best way to deal with his frustrations. So began a broad-ranging conversation around Jack's career achievements and drivers that was illuminating for them both.
Marion and Jack committed to establishing a written career development plan and to meeting each week to discuss his work and progress towards his career development goals.
Jack stayed with the company and reframed his criticisms into more helpful feedback offered in appropriate forums. Jack now has his career back on track and, importantly, feels his views are appreciated. What Jack didn't know was that the whole episode also helped Marion refocus on her own career satisfaction and development objectives.
Key learnings
Marion guided this positive outcome by:
- trusting her intuition and engaging her innate EQ
- being alert to other team members' reactions to Jack's behaviours
- seeking the help of an external mentor to disentangle her own career concerns from those of others
- asking open questions to help Jack open up about what was really troubling him
- conducting a direct and deliberate career conversation with Jack using empathy and acknowledging his emotions, while being careful to avoid judgement (see also chapter 9).
Can you think of any additional leadership approaches Marion applied or initiatives she could have tried?