CHAPTER 15

EXTREMELY COMPETITIVE

“The world tolerates conceit from those who are successful, but not from anybody else.”

—John Blake

The overachieving supercompetitor may be exciting to read about, but would you want that person working next to you or living with you? Can there be too much of a good thing? Yes, there can.

We love winners. The adrenaline surge created by identifying with superachievers, whether from business or athletics, cannot be denied. The probability of the average person's ever becoming one of these heroes is exceedingly small, yet the fact that heroes exist spurs us on. They become models, mentors, and coaches. Some people, though, become driven toward success to the detriment of themselves and those they love.

Heroes seen at a distance always appear to have no flaws. Unfortunately, a few nationally acclaimed winners prove to have profound flaws. Local winners, who may be friends or neighbors, can also share the weaknesses of their larger-than-life nationally admired counterparts.

But what's the problem? If someone is very competitive, why not let him or her be? Why should it matter?

This is why: Extremely competitive people can stretch themselves to the breaking point, negatively affect the stability of their family, and disrupt the efficiency of others at work. Research shows that it is hazardous to your health to be too competitive. But health questions aside, how do you handle someone whose competitiveness negatively affects your own work?

Some medical and psychological researchers feel that there is a pathological competition whose consequences include an increased probability of heart attacks—individuals who possess this pathological competitiveness are characterized as having a Type A personality. It's a field of inquiry that goes back more than thirty years and is always being refined and focused. The current thinking is that the Type A component that does the damage is a “potential for hostility.” If you are placed in a position where you must work with a highly competitive person, look for the hostility factor. Defusing the hostility could add years to that person's life. We don't expect you to be the diagnostician. All you need to do, whether you smell hostility or not, is reduce the pressure—for the other person and on yourself.

THE CASE OF CINDY AND THE FEARSOME FOE

Cindy, a woman in her early thirties, enters. “I'm not going to put up with him anymore; I swear I'm not. I don't care what he does or says; it's enough! He's too pushy and conceited.” Cindy is obviously charged up. A tailored, dark conservative suit creates the frame for gray-green eyes and pale skin. She has been waiting for what seems to her to be a long time and doesn't like it.

“You'll have to forgive me for being impatient,” she says, moving toward a chair, sighing, and smiling. “May I? But it's been some week.”

She has a lot of energy and proves to be a quick-witted, humorous person.

Cindy: I came here because I'm afraid I'm getting to be too much like Keith, my partner at work. We're both competitive, but he overdoes it. We're on a fast track. I know he alienates more people than I do. I'm a nice competitor; he's an angry and abusive one.

Bill: And what do you do?

Cindy: I'm an attorney. You know what pressure that is.

Bill: Sure, but every industry and profession is under pressure. In today's economy the competition to succeed is ferocious. Can you give me an example of a typical incident that upsets you?

Cindy: Well, here's a current one. It has to do with my impossible colleague, Keith. There are five of us working on different parts of a large report, and the sections do not overlap. Once our work is finished, a committee will integrate the whole thing, and our names will be mentioned only as contributors.

Bill: But that committee will be able to judge the quality of what everyone turns in, so competition is built into the assignment.

Cindy: Correct. Keith does more than compete. He goes out of his way to downgrade the rest of us to our faces, saying things like, “You'll never finish on time. Sure you don't want some help?” And every chance he gets, he brownnoses the partners. If I ask him for some information, you would think I've asked him for his right arm. But when he asks me for something, he snarls until he gets it. When he talks about our competition at department meetings, he's the first one to yell, “We'll kill ’em!” He's a pusher—not for the firm but for himself. I've watched him operate, and it turns my stomach.

Bill: You are both competitive. Something about his kind really gets to you. You probably know there are healthy and unhealthy kinds of competitive feelings. You are assuming that yours are healthy and his are not. Let's see if that's true. Here's a competitiveness questionnaire [see the blank form and provide your own answers for yourself and a competitive person at the workplace]. Complete it first for yourself, and second for how Keith might answer.

COMPETITIVENESS QUESTIONNAIRE

Rate each statement on a scale of 1 to 3: 1 for not true, 2 for somewhat true, and 3 for always true.

Cindy filled out the questionnaire quickly. Here are her answers:

Examining the Clues: What Cindy's Answers Mean

Bill: You rate Keith as much more competitive than yourself. We don't know how he might rate himself or you, but the important finding is that you perceive a large difference. Even so, I have to ask why it bothers you so much.

Cindy: I don't begrudge him his possible success, but not at the expense of my own career or my own mental health.

Kathy: What do you mean by mental health? I can see your concern about your career, but being part of a high-pressure field was your own decision. Perhaps Keith is just the worst example of what can exist in the legal profession. Maybe you just got unlucky.

Cindy: If that were the case, I'd know it. After all, I've been around lawyers for eight years now. No, there's something wrong, and it may be me. I've got to learn how to handle Keith and all the others like him. The mental health thing? I'm afraid I might let down and not be as sharp as I should.

Bill: All right, Cindy, let's see how you really feel about extremely competitive people. Here's a list of open-ended sentences [see the questionnaire below]. Just complete them with the first thing that comes to mind.

“WANNA FIGHT?” QUESTIONNAIRE

Complete the following sentences:

1. Competitive people are ____________________________________________________________

2. The difference between fair and unfair competition is _________________________________

3. The “mean” competitor is_________________________________________________________

4. If I were married to a “mean” competitor ___________________________________________

5. If a “mean” competitor really lost control __________________________________________

Cindy made these responses:

1. Competitive people are exciting and motivating to be around.

2. The difference between fair and unfair competition is that the unfair competitor can hurt you.

3. The “mean” competitor is dangerous.

4. If I were married to a “mean” competitor, I'd have to let him dominate me to please him, or I'd have to leave.

5. If a “mean” competitor really lost control, he or she could kill someone.

Bill: Do I have to spell it out? You are literally in fear for your life. You see Keith as potentially dangerous. It's no wonder you are having trouble. He has walled you off with the hostility you pick up as part of what drives his competitiveness. You're left with no way to interact with him or even make the first attempt to handle the problem. Your first goal has to be getting yourself ready to be proactive and not run away.

Cindy: You're right, but the guy's an ogre. And you want me to get close and interact with him?

Bill: Would you prefer to quit?

Cindy: You know I won't do that.

Bill: I'm with you. You are now going to practice what you should do. Here's the scene. You are ready to go to work. You stop at the front door, look into the hall mirror, and make a face that reminds you of Keith at his worst. Can you do that now?

Cindy: Okay, here, I've made the face. Horrible isn't it? Now what do I do?

Bill: Now close your eyes and tell Keith exactly what you think of him—all the stuff you've been saving up, no matter what it is. Blurt it out. You can. And enjoy it. [Write down on the lines below what you think about a similar person in your workplace.]

What do you think about the overly competitive person in your workplace?

Cindy: Just let me at him! Here goes:

Just one more time you push me aside or ignore me, humiliate me, and make me feel like I don't belong—you mean little rat—you're getting the same treatment. It's you who doesn't belong. You don't fit! You mediocre, bullying, SOB.

Cracking the Case: How Cindy Can Get Keith to Back Off

Bill: You're all charged up. Let's get back to reality. Now pretend you are at work and you and Keith are seated across a desk holding the report material you were talking about. Keith says something like, “Hey, Cindy, I know you're not too busy. How about taking a look at this material? There's one part there—you'll find it—that needs your soft touch. Polish it up, will ya? I did all the real work anyway. Call me when it's finished—but not too long.”

How would you respond to Keith in this situation? Say what you're really thinking. This is just a rehearsal. [Provide your own response on the lines below.]

How would you respond to Keith in this situation?

Cindy fired off this response:

It's time you did your own word housekeeping. I'm too stupid, remember? Look for favors from someone you treat better than me. By the way, I don't think you'll find anyone who fits that category around here. You've made so many friends. I know: Why don't you try the president's secretary?

Of course, saying something this blunt and direct isn't always appropriate in the real situation. However, if you say what you really feel in a safe situation, you can work on editing your response to be assertive and effective.

Keith, edit your own work. If you're looking for a favor, ask someone else.

Don't be surprised if Keith is—or acts—shocked. He may genuinely be unaware how badly he's treated you. Don't give him a laundry list of old complaints and don't get angry. Just stick to your guns. What's he going to do? He already treats you badly. He'll most likely transfer his attentions to someone else, and that lets you get on with your own work.

What to Think

The natural tendency is to give overly competitive people a taste of their own medicine, matching their emotional pushing and shoving with your own. That will seldom work. What you must do is get to the heart of the effect they have on you—inducing fear and anxiety and making you angry—and show that you are not afraid, cannot be intimidated, and will not be provoked.

You must recognize and confront your own fears.

Suppose there is a Keith-type person in your office. He will keep people away because he's too hot to handle, which gives him a clear field for his own ambitions. Breaching that wall of angry energy is the first step. Think this:

“If I let someone like you push me around and frighten me away with your crazy antics, loud noises, and angry faces, what respect can I have for myself?”

Today's high-stress work environment is a perfect arena for the success-driven, overly competitive person. If you are running scared, for whatever reason, you will be fair game. This person wants you to believe you will lose and will act as if you've already lost. That's the bully element. Think this:

“I may be uptight, but I'm not stupid. If you think I'm going to stand still and be eaten alive, you've picked the wrong person.”

What to Do

Cindy overcame her problem with Keith by refusing to be demeaned and sarcastically confronting him about his negative reputation. If the overly competitive person happens to be your boss, however, you need a different game plan. You must protect your job (assuming you don't want to quit) and your self-esteem.

In terms of job security, show your boss that you are indispensable. That's important because if your boss is ambitious, he or she will need your ability to further his or her own goals. Once you've demonstrated how valuable you are, your self-esteem will be strengthened by accepting that you won't be emotionally pushed around and that you don't intend to be eaten alive.

You are probably thinking that this is all easier said than done, and it is, just as it is for so many other prescriptions for a healthier life. Yet there is a way, and it goes beyond thinking—which is only the first, but necessary, step.

You have to see why you react to the boss, coworker, or other person of this type as you do. What do we mean by “see?” Look at—“see”—the answers to the sentence items you responded to on page 89. Take a small mental step. “See” those responses as objectively as possible—that is, as you are looking at yourself. Be the self-analyzer. Do that, and you will get a clue about why the extremely competitive person gets under your skin.

Now for actual tactics:

• Never let the overly competitive person make you angry at the workplace.
• Look, act, and dress as if you have just received a prize assignment or have just been promoted to the job you've always wanted. In other words, don't communicate a losing and frightened image.
• Look in a mirror before leaving for work and conjure up the face of the person who's making your life miserable. Then get it off your chest—explode, be cynical, tease, provoke, or whatever else you find easiest to do.
• At home, rearrange your furniture; buy some new prints or paintings for the walls or new CDs; switch to more assertive clothes and colors.
• Come to work looking as if you control the place. Get your work done—more than the required amount—and leave as if you still control the place.

It's a mind game, but you have to do it because your job and self-esteem may be on the line. In time you will begin to regard yourself differently—as more confident, with more power, and a greater capacity to handle that SOB.