CHAPTER 9

MEAN AND ANGRY

“Anybody can become angry—that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.”

—Aristotle

Anger has become fashionable. If you're not angry with someone, others will call you an unrealistic wimp. More anger than ever is being expressed at work and at home. Anger is not an invitation to dance; it's the opposite. It says, “Keep away; I'm dangerous. I might hurt you.” Anger is meant to be intimidating, forcing the other person to give way, yield space, conform, become contrite and controllable. Anger subordinates all other feelings to lesser roles, and it freezes situations. It can come on like an explosion or a slowly rising tide. In any form, anger is meant to frighten and intimidate, and the secret of dealing with it is not to be afraid.

THE CASE OF MARGARET AND THE SNARLING SUPERVISOR

Margaret is a composite of many people, and she is trying to cope with one of the more distressing difficult behaviors in the workplace, an angry boss. The lessons from her experience could apply equally to coworkers as well as subordinates and people you know on or off the job.

A conservatively dressed woman of about forty-five, Margaret works as a data entry supervisor in a bank. She is married with two grown children and is basically a happy person. Work has always given her satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment—until recently. She was promoted a few months ago, and now she's stuck with a new boss whom she describes as “a mean, nasty person who scowls at me as if I'm about to do something wrong.”

Kathy: What is your boss's behavior doing to your work?

Margaret: It's more than my work. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my promotion. I can't afford to let that happen. I dread going to work, facing that—ugh!

Kathy: You used to be happy. Now you're not.

Margaret: My husband has noticed it too. I never believed that you could get infected by another person's anger like that. It's unreal.

Kathy: But you're not giving up on your new position, and you want to do something about it, right?

Margaret: I don't know where to start. I can't confront him. Others have tried, and now they're gone—transferred, fired, or quit.

Kathy: Tell me about a typical experience with your new boss.

Margaret: Well, I'm all right when I start to work—things to do and check, calls to return. You know. At about 10 A.M., just as I'm all straightened out and my people are working smoothly, he appears. “What are you doing? I gotta see you, now,” he growls. It's that look. Not so much the words but the way he talks, like a threat and a prediction, like, “I know you're going to screw up.” And he's getting himself angry in advance.

Kathy: It's clear that you're trapped. Can you describe what that kind of experience does to you? How does it make you feel?

Margaret: I'm on edge the rest of the day. I lose my temper with my staff, and that never happened before. I try to control it and tell myself it's him, not me. But I dwell on it, not knowing when he'll appear again. My people don't deserve to be upset because I'm upset, but I can't always control myself.

Kathy: Do you turn out as much work as you used to? Less work? What about the quality?

Margaret: That's what's so disgusting about the whole thing. We do less work. Who wouldn't? So he gets even angrier. As for the quality, what do you think?

Kathy: Well, you're right, the problem is not you; it's what he's doing to you. Let's see if we can figure out a way for you to keep your job, get back to your previous efficiency, and lead your own life once again. The first thing I'd like you to do is fill out this questionnaire.

ANGER QUESTIONNAIRE

Complete the following questionnaire as it relates to your own experiences and feelings:

1. Why do people get angry? ___________________________________________________________

2. What situations make you most angry? List three.

3. Describe how you feel when your anger is over.

4. How do people express anger where you work?

5. Have you ever been on the receiving end of a superior's anger?

Yes ______  No ______

6. Did it affect your work?

Yes ______  No ______

7. In your position as a supervisor or manager, have you ever become openly angry with an employee?

Yes ______  No ______

8. At times is open anger the only way to handle a situation at work?

Yes ______  No ______

9. Think of the most miserable boss you've ever known. Describe him or her.

10. Do you think someone like that could become a nicer person?

Yes ______  No ______

11. Is anger part of the way things are in your company?

Yes ______  No ______

Kathy gave the anger questionnaire to Margaret. (The blank questionnaires throughout this book are for you to fill out.) Here are Margaret's responses:

1. Why do people get angry? Because they are angry with themselves.

2. What situations make you most angry? List three.

People lying to me.

People being disrespectful.

People not pulling their load.

3. Describe how you feel when your anger is over. Ashamed that I didn't handle the situation better.

4. How do people express anger where you work? With angry looks.

5. Have you ever been on the receiving end of a superior's anger?

5a. If so, how did it make you feel? Like retaliating.

6. Did it affect your work?

6a. If so, for how long? Sometimes almost a week.

7. In your position as a supervisor or manager, have you ever become openly angry with an employee?

7a. If so, generally, for how long? Momentarily.

8. At times is open anger the only way to handle a situation at work?

9. Think of the most miserable boss you've ever known. Describe him or her. Suspicious, mean, an ogre. He doesn't give you a chance.

10. Do you think someone like that could become a nicer person?

10a. If so, what would it take? Someone doing the same thing to him. A tragedy that would bring him to his senses.

11. Is anger part of the way things are in the company?

11a. If so, what would it take to get that to change? Fire my manager and get one with better people skills.

Kathy: Let's look at your answers. What do they tell you?

Margaret: Well, I can see that when I'm dumped on, I dump on others. I know that. I don't feel anger is the only way, but how do I get around it?

Examining the Clues: What Margaret's Answers Mean

Kathy: Let's go further and find out. I can compare your answers to hundreds of others we've analyzed. Overwhelmingly, anger spills over, just as it has with you. People get angry when they are frustrated, lose control, feel threatened, or are overwhelmed. Once the anger exists, it's hard to contain. For example, 95 percent of employees report that supervisors have become angry with them, 80 percent say it affects their work, and 75 percent report that they themselves have become angry with their employees.

The situations that make you angry—people not listening, disrespect, loss of control, arrogance, others not explaining problems—make others angry as well. You said that being on the receiving end of someone's anger makes you want to retaliate. Others have said things such as they feel unworthy, small, belittled, frustrated, not wanting to go back to work.

It's also clear that anger generally affects the quantity and quality of output. You've seen that in your case too.

We find that most people are very dramatic when describing their most miserable boss. Interestingly, though, these same people believe that their bosses could become nicer people.

Margaret: Well, most people might believe that, but I really don't. My boss can't change.

Kathy: The average person tends to be more generous, hopeful, and compassionate than the difficult people for whom he or she works. That's a clue for you right there. Can you approach your boss with generosity and compassion?

Let me help you. Here is a list of typical replies to question 10a about what it would take to get the miserable boss to change. Read them. Do you get any ideas?

Wanting to be better		Having self-confidence and knowledge
Being willing to share pressure and responsibility		Getting counseling
Remembering to be human and recognizing others’ feelings		Making peace with themselves Undergoing serious psychotherapy
Being honest and gaining people's respect		Becoming deeply motivated, such as through the help of a spouse, a friend, or God
Changing behavior and attitude		Having the desire
Developing better listening skills		Getting treatment
Having more trust in people		Having a bigger heart
Allowing time for change and for improving communication		Opening up on a personal, in addition to a professional, level
Engaging in dialogue
Relaxing		Experiencing profound enlightenment
Being honest and telling the person how his or her attitude and actions affect your work and home life		Experiencing something life threatening

Margaret: What I see is that he has to feel better about himself, open up to others, and trust me so he can learn to deal with his anger.

Kathy: True, but remember that you're not his counselor. I want to help you handle your own distress and deal with him so that you feel in control. To do that, we need to explore your reactions to him. Close your eyes and imagine your boss's face. Then answer these questions:

VISUALIZING THE ANGRY FACE

Imagine the face of the angry person in your life and answer these questions:

1. What is that person feeling? _________________________________________________________

2. Why do you think the person feels that way? __________________________________________

3. What do you feel when you look at that face? __________________________________________

4. Suppose you were that person's best friend. What would you be thinking? ________________

5. Now imagine what you might say to your best friend. You've been asked for help.

Here are Margaret's responses to these questions:

1. What is that person feeling? I've got to get the jump on those people or they'll walk all over me.

2. Why do you think that person feels that way? He doesn't trust anybody. He's probably been taken advantage of.

3. What do you feel when you look at that face? He'll hurt me, or anyone else, to save himself. It's disgusting. He's scared. A little bit of pity.

4. Suppose you were that person's best friend. What would you be thinking? I'd almost cry. What can I do to help you? It must be awful.

5. Now imagine what you might say to your best friend. You've been asked for help. It isn't necessary for you to be so angry. See, I like you. I know many others who do, but they're just afraid to tell you. Would you like to talk about it?

Cracking the Case: How Margaret Can Tame Her Wild Boss

Kathy: Do you see what I've tried to do?

Margaret: Yes; you're trying to give me a different way of looking at him. But listen, I'm never going to become that guy's friend.

Kathy: You don't have to. I want to help you switch things around in your mind so you'll feel less trapped. Your emotional horizons, so to speak, will be broadened. You'll be better armed.

Margaret: Where do I go from here?

Kathy: Considering everything we've just talked about, complete each of the following sentences. Pretend that the “friend” is your boss. The finished sentences will tell you how you should approach your boss in the future.

Complete the following sentences:

1. My friend's behavior bothers me because ______________________________________________.

2. If those difficult behaviors disappeared, my friend could ________________________________.

3. I want to see my friend become _____________________________________________________.

4. Once my friend changes, then we could ______________________________________________.

5. I'd like my friend even more because ________________________________________________.

6. If I ever became an angry person in the eyes of those I liked, I would hope ________________

Here are Margaret's responses to the sentence-completion task:

1. My friend's behavior bothers me because he lessens my respect for myself.

2. If those difficult behaviors disappeared, my friend could make me want to come to work and do a good job.

3. I want to see my friend become more mature.

4. Once my friend changes, then we could work as a team.

5. I'd like my friend even more because we could grow together.

6. If I ever became an angry person in the eyes of those I liked, I would hope people would tell me how I affect them.

The next week, Margaret called to report a number of incidents reflecting her progress at work. The conversation went something like this:

Margaret: He came up to me in the morning like he always does. This time I didn't remain seated. I jumped up and said, “I'm glad you're here. I was about to call you. I have an idea for simplifying this form. It might save us time and make our reports easier to follow.” And I gave him a big smile.

Kathy: Sounds good to me. What did he do and say?

Margaret: He stood there. He didn't actually wilt, but he was overwhelmed. He had to smile. What else could he do? He wanted to study it. He never had a chance to get that mean look.

Kathy: You treated him like a friend?

Margaret: Not exactly. But it's getting close. The same sort of things happened on other days when I jumped the gun on him and offered him something. Sometimes it was just a smile and a few nice words.

Kathy: I'm really impressed and very pleased. I'm proud of you. Tell me how you felt.

Margaret: I felt good. I was in control, and I even began to feel sorry for the poor guy. He needs that attention. I think he gets angry when he yearns for something and isn't getting it. At least that's my analysis. He doesn't frighten me. So I'm a better supervisor with my own people. Thanks. I owe you.

The out-of-control angry person needs to feel your inner strength. Therefore, you cannot afford to be blown away. If you are the target and have truly made a mistake, admit it.

What to Think

Following up on Margaret's insights, when you are confronted by an angry person, think this:

“The angry person is in trouble. The angry person could be, or could become, your friend.”

Keep these two ideas in front of you when you are the target of abuse and insults; when you feel shut out; and when strong, irrational emotions seem to tie you in knots. But you will not lash back. Why? Because your own effectiveness will suffer, and you don't hurt people who need your help and who are in trouble. Never escalate anger.

What to Do

When an angry person lashes out at you, take a deep breath and calm yourself, because you are not the cause of the outburst. Certainly you have your own feelings and don't like being picked on and demoralized, but you must be self-controlled and self-assured—the quiet spot in the eye of the storm. Picture this:

• When the angry person's arms flail about, yours are at your sides.
• When the angry person's face is twisted in a sneer, yours is relaxed.
• When the angry person's hands become fisted, yours are open and signal acceptance.
• When the angry person's voice rises, yours is even and unhurried.

Never laugh, and walk away only if you think you may be in physical danger.

Depending on the circumstances, use or adapt one of the following phrases:

“It's a rotten situation, but I think I know how to fix it.”

“I've felt exactly the way you have. I don't blame you. Tell me what you'd like me to do.”

“Yes, you're right. I'm going to review the whole thing and I'll have a recommendation [suggestion, solution] for you before the end of the day.”

If the anger is generated by incidents or situations at work that do not involve you directly, your challenge is to provide an escape hatch. Phrases such as, “You're right,” “I can't blame you,” and “I'd feel the same way” are helpful. The angry person needs an ally, and you can become one. In fact, times of crisis can help your career. Show your boss that he or she is in good, trusting hands and that your ability to defuse anger and restore calm can move the organization forward.