CHAPTER 5

PLANNING YOUR STRATEGY

“When you're prepared, you're more confident. When you have a strategy, you're more comfortable.”

—Fred Couples, professional golfer

Do you always think of the perfect comeback in a difficult conversation—usually a day or two after the actual encounter? Stress and emotional overload—two emotions common when difficult people push our buttons—make it very difficult for us to react ideally in the middle of an encounter. When Margaret's mean, nasty boss starts snarling, it's tough for her to remain self-controlled and self-assured while she's on the receiving end.

To work effectively with someone who's difficult, you need to prepare yourself before the encounter. After all, having the boss behave that way isn't exactly a surprise, is it? You can often see the storm clouds building on the horizon, or maybe you can recognize that certain circumstances or situations are likely to trigger an outburst. Either way, you've got a pretty good idea when the difficult behavior is likely to show up, and that gives you the power to plan.

For each of the difficult types in this book (and for the other difficult people you're likely to encounter), the effectiveness of the recommended strategy improves with planning and rehearsal. Professional salespeople role-play potentially difficult client encounters with each other. Ask someone to play the part of a difficult person you have to deal with. Explain to him or her what the difficult person's behavior looks and sounds like. As you role-play, practice your response. If you mess up, start over again and keep rehearsing until the response feels natural. Try reversing the roles: You play the difficult person and let your partner respond to the behavior.

This approach will benefit you in two ways. First, you'll be much more likely to stand up to the behavior and not be goaded into an inappropriate response, whether it's getting angry in return or cowering under the difficult person's tongue-lashing. Second, when your self-confidence increases, other people will feel it too. If the mean, nasty boss usually succeeds in flustering you, his or her success will reinforce the negative behavior. If, on the other hand, you're calm, cool, and collected, you'll often see less of the negative behavior in the first place. After all, people behave in negative and difficult ways because most of the time it works. If the behavior stops working with you, there's a much better chance the behavior itself will stop—or at least lessen.

PLANNING WORKSHEET

Take as much time as you need to fill out this worksheet completely. You'll probably need extra sheets of paper to complete it. It's a good idea to complete it at home or in a private and secure setting.

1. Describe a difficult behavior that is currently causing a problem for you.

2. In what way is the described behavior causing difficulties for you?

3. What is your relationship to the person exhibiting the difficult behavior (boss, subordinate, coworker, customer, etc.)?

4. What do you think is motivating the difficult behavior on the other person's part? To what extent is it motivated by real circumstances (promotion, demotion, personal life issues, etc.)?

5. From the difficult person's perspective, what behavior on your part may be causing or aggravating the behavior? To what extent is that perspective correct?

6. What can you do to reduce or eliminate the effect of the difficult behavior that does not require action or change on the other person's part (change office location, learn to ignore the behavior, modify work assignments to reduce contact with the difficult person, etc.)?

7. What can you do to reduce or eliminate the effect of the difficult behavior that does require action or change on the other person's part (confront the person about the problem behavior, speak to a supervisor or human resources person, file a complaint, etc.)?

8. What can you do to reduce or eliminate the effect of the difficult behavior that requires changing your own behavior or attitude (befriend the difficult person, learn techniques to counter the behavior, etc.)?

9. Who can help you with this person's difficult behavior, and what can he or she do (role-play difficult conversations, intervene with the difficult person, etc.)?

10. What immediate action steps will you take to reduce this problem? How will you evaluate how well (or poorly) they work? What will you do if the initial steps are insufficient?