CHAPTER 4

IT'S NOT (ALWAYS) PERSONAL—IT'S (OFTEN) BUSINESS

“The human being who would not harm you on an individual, face-to-face basis, who is charitable, civic-minded, loving and devout, will wound or kill you from behind the corporate veil.”

—Morton Mintz, investigative journalist

In The Godfather, Michael Corleone advises his older brother to cool down when faced with the news that their father has been seriously wounded. Sonny's hotheadedness eventually gets him killed, while younger brother Michael shows the ability to keep his emotions under control and eventually becomes the leader of his crime family.

It's important to know the true motives behind another person's words or actions, because that affects your decision as to what strategy to use in your response. Just because you may be hurt by the other person's words or actions doesn't necessarily mean that the other person intended to hurt you or that he or she dislikes you personally. It may be “strictly business.” But it's also possible that there are some personal feelings thrown into the mix.

Remember that we all inevitably wear “work masks.” At the office, we often dress differently than we do on our own time. We make necessary business decisions even when we know that some people may suffer negative consequences from them. We strive for career advancement and professional success in what often seems like a game of musical chairs in which it's legal to save seats. If we get a chair when the music stops, someone else may be out of the game, but we don't mean it personally.

What's true of us is also true of others. They may win and we may lose sometimes, and it's all strictly business. But when others feel they've lost, they often do take it personally—and so do we. The pain is real, regardless of others’ intent.

If the pain is the same, then why care about the motives? Because the motives, you see, point the way to the appropriate strategy.

“Strictly business” friends and enemies are motivated by their own interests. If you suffer collateral damage in the process, that's unfortunate. On the good side, if there's a potential gain for you as they pursue their interests, you have the possibility to engage in win-win negotiation. If our interests can be made compatible, everybody's happy.

Of course, it's never quite as simple and clear-cut as that. Personal feelings of like or dislike, respect or contempt, empathy or coldness clearly play a role in business relationships, because even the most “strictly business” professional has emotions as well. There's a big difference between an opponent and an enemy. Figure 4-1 illustrates the five groups into which people can fall, depending on two variables: the degree to which you and they have (or can develop) a common or compatible interest, and the degree to which you have a positive relationship (mutual respect, whether or not you like each other, good communication). Let's examine each of these groups.

1. Neutrals. These people can lean in any of the four other directions, but what they all have in common is that they don't perceive they have a dog in this particular fight. If their involvement will be negative, it's good that they're on the fence, and you want to keep it that way. On the other hand, if they could be allies, you may want to look for ways to bring them into the game.

2. Allies. If you have shared interests and a good relationship, then you're clearly on the same side. You can work together, and difficult behavior should be less evident.

FIGURE 4-1. THE RELATIONSHIP GRID.

SOURCE: Enlightened Office Politics, Michael and Deborah Singer Dobson (AMACOM 2001).

3. Fellow Travelers. Shared interests without a good relationship result in all business with nothing personal. If the other party sees his or her interest change, then behavior changes immediately. If the problem is distrust, it's sometimes impossible to achieve a win-win outcome even if the possibility exists.

4. Opponents. A good relationship makes it much easier to disagree. Opponents need to be treated with honesty and respect, even if your short-term interest might argue otherwise, because there will be other issues in the future.

5. Enemies. Now it's business and personal. You can afford to deal with fellow travelers, and opponents can even be helpful by keeping you on your toes. Enemies, on the other hand, are always a losing proposition. In the short term, try to find common interests that enable you to turn them into fellow travelers. In the long term, build a better relationship.

One of the most famous lines in The Godfather, Part II is when Michael says, “There are many things my father taught me here in this room. He taught me: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” Why should you keep your enemies closer? Most people think it's so we can keep an eye on them, but that's a minor reason. The important reason is this: Only with closeness do you have the potential to improve the relationship. You may never be able to turn all your enemies into allies, but with luck you can turn them into opponents. Then it's business and not personal, and you can live quite comfortably with that.

FRIENDS AND ENEMIES WORKSHEET

Take as much time as you need to fill out this worksheet completely. You'll probably need extra sheets of paper to complete it. It's a good idea to complete it at home or in a private and secure setting.

1. List your major allies. What are your common interests and goals? What is the strength of the relationship based on? What can these allies do to help you? How can you help them?

2. List your major opponents. What areas of conflict do you have with them? What works about your relationship? How can you work effectively with them? How can you change them into allies?

3. List your major fellow travelers. What are your common interests and goals? What keeps them from becoming allies? How can you build mutual confidence? What risks exist in these relationships?

4. List your major enemies. What are the areas of opposition? What's lacking or wrong in your relationship? Can the situation be improved? What can they do to hurt you? What do they fear you can do to them?

5. List your major neutrals. Which type of relationship do they tend toward (ally, enemy, opponent, fellow traveler)? What keeps them from being more active for or against you? How can you improve your relationships with them?

6. How does the difficult behavior of the people you have listed amplify any problem areas? How does their difficult behavior make you more vulnerable?