CHAPTER 13

SHY AND QUIET

“Fear of danger is ten thousand times more terrifying than danger itself.”

—Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe

What evil lurks in their hearts? That's what others think of people who keep to themselves and don't share feelings of joy, sadness, love, or hate. These loners may simply be shy, quiet, or timid, but the message to coworkers is there: “Leave me alone! You touch me [my feelings] and break my wall, and you'll pay.” Coworkers think, “He's up to something sneaky,” “She's such a snob,” or “He's antisocial; he must really hate all of us.” So they stay away from these quiet people, not knowing what to do. But these quiet people don't give their behavior a thought and are usually unaware of their effect on the office atmosphere.

THE CASE OF FRED AND THE SILENT SUPERVISOR

Full of energy, Fred bounces into the room, looking like your favorite Sunday afternoon quarterback. You have to like him; he wouldn't have it any other way. When he speaks, his unruly blond hair seems to stand straight up on his head. He says he had to come. His problem is driving him crazy.

Fred: I was recently promoted to manager, and I must succeed. No one's ever been promoted to this job at my age. My problem is Janet, one of the supervisors on my staff. She seems like a good worker but won't talk to me. Of course, she doesn't talk to anyone else either.

She just comes to work, does her job, and asks that people don't bother her. But if someone needs help, she's very patient and instructs them. The problem is, our productivity has been slipping lately. I think part of it is that everyone in the department walks on eggshells around Janet. They're hesitant to approach her, and it disrupts the workflow. The added tension also distracts some of the staff members from their work. Maybe she's afraid of something or just hates me.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just sit and stare into space trying to find the key to unlock Janet's distant look. When I feel my own mood growing cold, I get scared and quickly put on my usual handsome smile. I like to bring every issue out on the table. Growing up, my family always talked about a problem and solved it together. I just don't think that approach will work with Janet. It's getting to the point where I am afraid to approach her. Boy, do I need help.

Bill: Well, what really bothers you most about Janet's behavior? Is it just that she is unfriendly, or is there a problem with her work?

Fred: Tension is high, productivity is slipping, and Janet's the reason. I don't think she's aware of the way people feel about her and of the tension she generates.

Bill: To solve this problem you need to begin by exploring your feelings about people like Janet. Let's start by having you fill out the following questionnaire.

SHYNESS ANALYSIS QUESTIONNAIRE

Complete the following questionnaire:

1. Withdrawn people bother me because ________________________________________.

2. How do quiet people feel about others? _______________________________________.

3. Rank from 1 to 5 the following reasons that shy and quiet people keep others away (1 is the most important and 5 is the least important):

They are afraid of people.____

They don't like people.____

They've done something they are ashamed of ____.

They are afraid they'll be hurt again. ____

If they open up, they'll be ridiculed. ____

4. I can't imagine ever being a quiet, withdrawn person because _________________

5. I find it harder to trust a quiet person than someone who is outgoing and friendly. Yes ____ No ____ Sometimes ____

Here are Fred's responses:

1. Withdrawn people bother me because they are thinking things about me that are probably negative.

2. How do quiet people feel about others? They laugh at other people and think they are better than everyone else.

3. Rank from 1 to 5 the following reasons that shy and quiet people keep others away (1 is the most important and 5 is the least important):

They are afraid of people.   4  

They don't like people.   1  

They've done something they are ashamed of.   3  

They are afraid they'll be hurt again.   5  

If they open up, they'll be ridiculed.   2  

4. I can't imagine ever being a quiet, withdrawn person because if I couldn't interact with others, I'd be lost and miserable.

5. I find it harder to trust a quiet person than someone who is outgoing and friendly. Yes   X   No ____ Sometimes ____

Examining the Clues: What Fred's Answers Mean

Bill: Fred, you assume that because your supervisor is quiet, her thoughts are negative and she knows things she's not revealing. You think she's laughing at others. You can't trust such a person. On the other hand, your answers to question 3 reveal some compassion and a feeling that the quiet person may have been hurt in her own life.

You can't conceive of being quiet and withdrawn, because interacting with others is what makes your life meaningful. Except for that touch of compassion, you can't possibly identify with Janet. There's an emotional gulf between the two of you.

What would you like to say to Janet if you could say anything you wished?

Fred: “Janet, you're making it impossible for me to work with you. Maybe you're not aware of it, but you are too damn quiet for me. I want to help you enjoy what you are doing and become a more active member of this department.”

Bill: What do you imagine she might say?

Fred: “Leave me alone, Fred. I'm not here to have a good time. I could care less that you want to be my buddy and want everyone to be happy. I do my job. Isn't that enough for you? Grow up, you worm.”

Bill: Pretty funny—and maybe a little tragic. It seems as if you are being too tough on yourself. She's a difficult person to handle, and you're running scared. You imagine that if you can't solve the puzzle of Janet, you won't be a successful manager. Does that make sense?

Fred: Too much sense. I admit that I am a little insecure. But I'd still like to know exactly what to do and say. I have to succeed.

Bill: Try this approach: Sit down with her in your office, forget the stare, and say, “I know we haven't gotten along well. How about starting over again?” She may laugh, but you're big enough to be laughed at. Remember, you need to open the communication lines and get her to talk. Make small wins. You say, smiling, “How about saying ‘hello’ to each other in the morning, or ‘see you tomorrow’ at the end of the day?” Small steps are what it's all about—building a work-life vocabulary together.

Fred: I think I can do that: First I forget the stare. It's not aimed at me; I know that. Then we begin to talk; the subject's not that important. Just build a work life together that works.

Communicating and dealing with a withdrawn or very quiet person is a difficult experience for a coworker, manager, or team leader. Fred's responses to the questionnaire indicate why: fear of the unknown. Loners are often shaking inwardly, afraid to interact with others. Meanwhile their coworkers are creating unrealistic ideas about them.

With some insight into his reactions to Janet, Fred is ready as the nonquiet person to make the first move.

What do shy, quiet people want? Mostly, to participate on their own terms—slowly, without being pushed, while being given an opportunity to make a meaningful contribution. Fred can use department-wide conferences and assignments to help his quiet supervisor open up to others.

Cracking the Case: How Fred Can Bring Janet Out of Her Shell

Bill: Now let's try a rehearsal. I'll play you. You be Janet and say what you think she might say, whatever it is.

Fred: Let's rock ‘n’ roll.

This is how the rehearsal went.

Fred: Janet, I want to let you know I've decided to begin a series of department meetings. I've been thinking a lot about how to motivate people—help them work together and reach their best potential.

Janet: [ten-second pause] Yes?

Fred: Well, what I meant to say was that these meetings shouldn't be run by me. I am the manager, but I believe that everyone in our group should learn how to manage and lead. What do you think?

Janet: [pauses uncomfortably, does not respond]

Fred: [after ten seconds] Janet, I can see that you're uncomfortable. Is it because you don't want to lead one of these meetings?

Janet: [after another pause] Yes. I don't want to get up in front of a group.

Fred: I respect that. My problem is that I believe you have good insights and a lot to contribute to this effort. How could we make you more comfortable in that role?

If Janet replies, Fred can now work on practical ways to help overcome her objections. If Janet stays silent, Fred might propose some solutions. Don't be surprised if Janet makes a joke. Many timid people do have a sense of humor about their walled-off personalities, as if to say, “Catch me if you can.” They will absolutely not want to handle a group. They probably will be willing to sit in with the group. A persuasive and perceptive leader and the natural dynamics of the group will help the timid person out of his or her emotional corner.

Such an approach usually works because of these reasons:

• Members learn to trust one another through working together toward a united goal.
• Members take pleasure in the growth and attainments of others.
• The group becomes supportive of its members.
• The group creates a new energy of its own that the timid person absorbs, enabling him or her to interact more openly.

What to Think

The most important thing to remember is that shy, quiet people do not dislike you, and they are not harboring or hatching secret, negative plans.

Put yourself in the shy person's shoes. This is what it can sound like inside his or her head: “Those people out there are different from me. What's wrong? I want to be like them—talking, joking, laughing, saying what I wish. I hate myself for being different. Why can't someone see it?” Think:

“If I were a shy person, I'd pray for someone to reach in, help me, and not scare me.”

Even Fred, as ambitious as he is, feels a little bit of compassion. But he's so wrapped up in his own career that Janet is someone to get out of the way, rather than a colleague who needs help.

What to Do

Use a group environment to draw silent colleagues out of their shells. Encourage withdrawn staff members to join organizations such as Toastmasters or Dale Carnegie. If, unlike Fred, you have a trusting relationship with a coworker who has trouble interacting with others, offer to help that person rehearse more assertive behavior.

To rehearse better behavior, the first step is that the distant person has to admit there is a problem. If you are a friend, you can tactfully talk about offering help. If you are a coworker, you can bring up the problem by talking about careers in general. There has to be trust. And it always helps if you genuinely like the other person.

Consider this example. Your project partner and friend, Steve, is timid. He knows what he's doing, but when a customer comes through and asks a question, he responds with a blank stare, and his face turns gray. You've learned not to leave him alone, so you jump in and fix it. What to do? Prep him. That means you rehearse him: You're the customer, and Steve is you. He'll fumble at first. No problem. Then let him “imitate” himself, then you, back and forth. Finally, suggest that Steve be the customer, then you be him, then yourself, back and forth. After a few sessions, the whole experience of being timid in front of customers will be materially reduced. And you will have given your partner a true gift. His timidity in general will be lessened. Isn't that something great to do for someone who needs help with interacting with others?