CHAPTER 16

OVERCONTROLLING

“We brought in a group of university consultants to help our executives figure out what our values are. Then we tested the employees, and if they didn't buy into those values, we knew they wouldn't work out.”

—CEO of a Fortune 500 company

The overcontrolling person, whether CEO or coworker, pushes you further and further into a corner. You look for a way around a force of personality that becomes almost physical. Words like suffocating and stifling have been used to describe the overcontrolling person's effect on others.

Is overcontrol the same as restructuring? It could be. Sometimes it's difficult to differentiate the two. Here's how. Some leaders who can't trust their employees at all will be heard to say things like, “Well, we can't operate without a plan, can we?”

Control this, control that—hierarchies, bureaucracies. Why the compulsion to control? Because when the lid's off, so some think, there's no telling what people might do, and the more one has to lose, the more control seems to be needed over others.

Control—overcontrol—is a power to be reckoned with, for who can tell what dangerous emotions and feelings might otherwise be unleashed? In the workplace, it ruins relationships and stifles creativity.

If you discover that your decisions are having less and less significance and you're told it's the way things are being restructured, you're being controlled—too controlled.

THE CASE OF TRACEY AND WILMA WITCH

Tracey shows up at the end of the day. “I'm beat,” she says, “not from waiting in line here but from the terrible thoughts going around and around in my head about my teammate.” Tracey is a small woman in her early thirties. She stands sure-footed and defiant. “Do you mind if I stand and walk around a little?” And so she does. “I've got to get her out of my system. I feel trapped just thinking about her.” She smiles, stretches slowly like someone who has just awakened, and sits down. “Okay, I'm ready.”

She tells us about someone called Wilma Witch, a fictitious name, “but a real person—too real to me.” Tracey and Wilma were assigned to work together to solve a recurring quality problem. They were selected because of their superior performance in different parts of their plant and because they did not know one another. Both women have a reputation of being tough, unyielding, and painfully truthful about quality standards. The trouble between them began almost immediately.

Kathy: It's obvious that working with Wilma isn't the highlight of your day—that you're upset and don't like it. Tell us how you see the problem.

Tracey: “See” is not strong enough. I feel the problem: in my head, my heart, my bones. I'm ready to burst. You're a counselor. Can someone who makes you feel about a foot high actually affect your love life?

Kathy: If you mean can someone who demeans you and drains your energy affect your physical well-being, the answer is yes. But what exactly do you feel? What's going on?

Tracey: Well, here it is, blow by blow. I used to feel on top of things. I knew what I was doing, did it well, and enjoyed myself. I liked the people around me, and I knew they liked me. It was a pleasure helping them. Now I'm getting headaches, stomachaches, and worse.

With Wilma Witch—it makes me feel good to say her name that way—I've turned into one of those dominated children you read about: can't think for myself, triple check everything, wonder whether she's going to approve or yell at me. But I never was a dominated child, and I'm not going to become one to please her. I hate it!

She has a great reputation. She's supposed to be next in line for the quality assurance manager's job. Boy, is that going to ruin things around there if that ever happens.

Kathy: You can't stand her. You don't like what she's doing to you. You're not functioning like you used to. It's time to do something about it.

Tracey: I like the sound of that. She's an overcontrolling monster as far as I'm concerned. I don't figure she's going to change. I certainly don't plan to leave, and I'm not going to change to accommodate her. There's a big job they've given the two of us. How do we do it?”

This is a rock-and-a-hard-place scenario. The work environment is intolerable because of an unyielding, difficult person, while the aggravated employee is equally unyielding. What makes this situation particularly stressful is that overcontrolling behavior can be both mind and body smashing.

Tracey is a strong person, and even she discovers negative consequences in many areas of her life. Think of those who aren't strong to begin with or who themselves may have been raised in an overcontrolling home environment. For such people, experiencing the same kind of interaction that Tracey and Wilma are having can be disastrous. Helping such people free themselves from the domination of an overcontrolling coworker or boss can be lifesaving. What we are going to suggest and outline for Tracey applies equally to everyone who finds his or her identity similarly diminished.

Kathy: We don't want you to think there's anything seriously wrong with you because of the way you've reacted to Wilma. Don't blame yourself. What's happened is that you've gotten caught in a relationship you can't get out of. You feel dominated and terribly vulnerable. You and Wilma represent the model for millions who are trapped in dead-end relationships. Remember this idea: You're trapped and can't see a way out. If you could find a way out, there would be much less of a problem. Wilma would merely be another blip on your screen of life.

Tracey: Got it. I have to make Wilma into a blip on my TV screen of life, not to see her as a deep problem but as a minor irritation. How?

Kathy: Bravo! We're together on that one. Now on to the solution. Think of a situation where Wilma could be the blip.

Tracey: Where she's not in charge.

Kathy: Good. Another?

Tracey: Where she's in a crowd.

Kathy: Great. You've found the goals: less power over others and being one of many. Now for the fun part—making it happen.

Tracey: That's where you come in. What's the magic?

Kathy: I'll follow your own insights. First, diminishing the impact of her power: I want to explore your ideas about overcontrolling people with power.

Tracey: Ready.

“DO YOU HAVE AN IMAGE OF SOMEONE'S HEAD IN A VISE” QUESTIONNAIRE

Complete the following sentences with your first thought:

1. When someone dictates and controls my behavior, I feel______________________________.

2. Being controlled by others is_______________________________________________________.

3. A controlling person is____________________________________________________________.

4. A controlling person reminds me of________________________________________________.

5. The reason I feel trapped by a controlling person is__________________________________.

6. Controlling people behave that way because_________________________________________

7. I need someone to control me because______________________________________________.

8. Overcontrolling people should not be in positions of leadership because_______________

9. Overcontrolling people are_________________________________________________________.

10. If I could say whatever I wished to an overcontrolling person, I would say_______________

We gave Tracey the sentence-completion questionnaire. Here are her responses:

1. When someone dictates and controls my behavior, I feel small and insignificant, like why am I here?

2. Being controlled by others is an awful experience.

3. A controlling person is hard to fight.

4. A controlling person reminds me of a devil, a witch, a dragon, someone who isn't even human.

5. The reason I feel trapped by a controlling person is that he or she has the power to hurt me if I try to escape his or her influence.

6. Controlling people behave that way because they don't trust anyone and have to second guess everything and need to dominate.

7. I need someone to control me because Wrong, I don't need anyone to control me.

8. Overcontrolling people should not be in positions of leadership because they ruin my motivation.

9. Overcontrolling people are not healthy to be around.

10. If I could say whatever I wished to an overcontrolling person, I would say, “If you can't stop dominating me and learn to trust my decisions, I'm out of here. You are going to end up being alone and miserable and you'll bring it on yourself.”

Examining the Clues: What Tracey's Answers Mean

Kathy: What you've revealed is that you are afraid of being injured by something that's almost supernatural. You have to get away. You're diminished, and you can't stand being in her presence. It's no wonder you're having difficulty. In your eyes, Wilma is a dragon lady.

Tracey: I did say those things. But I still can't understand my reaction to her. She really can't hurt me—or can she?

Kathy: The clue is that you don't want to fail on the job you share with her. You have to work together. If you didn't care, you'd walk, but you're not going to do that. You're too good and want to stick it out. Yet working with Wilma prevents you from exercising the freedom you want. No freedom, no self-esteem, no Tracey as you know yourself—therefore the headaches and those other disturbing physical symptoms.

Tracey: You're telling me that I'm trapped in an irrational, childish fear, that Wilma isn't really a dragon lady.

Kathy: You said it. She truly isn't what you think she is. So now we know that Wilma's a plain, ordinary, overcontrolling human being with whom you have the misfortune of being temporarily paired. The next step is losing her in a crowd.

Cracking the Case: How Tracey Can Turn Around Wilma's Wicked Ways

Tracey: How are you going to make that work?

Kathy: That's really easy. Take this form [see the questionnaire on page 101] and fill it in. There are eleven lines. In the left-hand column, list the names of ten people you like and who are important to you. Put Wilma's name on line 11. Next to each name, write down why those people are important. We've already handled Wilma, so fill in that line too.

RELATIONSHIPS AND MEANINGS QUESTIONNAIRE

Prepare a list of ten people who are important to you and put your overcontrolling person on line 11.

Tracey's list looked like this:

Name	Why This Person Is Important
1. My mother	She loves me. I love her.
2. My father	Trustworthy, someone I can confide in.
3. Roger	Couldn't ask for a nicer boyfriend.
4. Francine	Happy, spontaneous, makes me feel good.
5. Catherine	We share things together, confidante.
6. Glenn	A rock; we grew up together.
7. Jack	My mentor at school.
8. Sally	My assistant, a jewel to work with.
9. Sergio	My boss; taught me to trust others.
10. Michael	My lovable favorite uncle.
11. Wilma	The dragon lady who scares me.

Kathy: That list you've completed is a sample of your universe of relationships. Take a good look at it. Now look at Wilma's line. Do you mean to tell me that Wilma can influence your behavior more than all the others combined? She's coming up too big on your screen of life. Put her back where she belongs. She's a blip, and that's all.

Tracey: Wilma? Who's Wilma? What Wilma?

What to Think

The overcontrolling person drains your energies and forces you to fight a rearguard action to avoid being overwhelmed. Therefore, the first step, as demonstrated through Tracey's case history, is to free yourself mentally from being suffocated. Think this:

“I'll never become the person I can be as long as I let him or her dominate and control me.”

Think about what's been happening to you. The chances are good that you:

• Don't laugh and smile as much as you used to.
• Are afraid of things that you once were able to handle with ease.
• Are irritating your friends.
• Assume that you've made a mistake when you haven't.
• Look and act older than you are.

Need we go on? Think this:

“The overcontrolling person is a demon disguised as a normal human being. I don't need demons in my life. Out! Out!”

Is demon too harsh? Here's a dictionary definition: “an evil or destructive person or thing.” The overcontrolling person is evil because your capacity to live your life and grow has been harmed. You are in distress. Your future could well be ruined.

What to Do

Tracey gained strength from the recognition of what was happening to her and why it spelled disaster. We did not tell her what to do. This is what she did.

The very next day, she walked into Wilma's office and announced that since they had equal status and responsibilities, she (Tracey) was going to record their independent and joint decisions. She suggested that Wilma do the same. At the end of each day, they could compare their data and discuss and resolve any differences.

What could Wilma do but agree? After all, Tracey's proposal was taken straight from concepts of measurement and quality assurance, and they were both supposed to be experts in that field. It only took a week for the effects of the ploy to sink in. After that time, Wilma had a more realistic mental attitude, and she was no longer difficult to deal with.

We've shown you what can be done when a coworker is involved. Suppose the overcontrolling person is your boss. That's an entirely different ball game. Straightening out your attitude is always the first step. Once that's accomplished, you'll be better able to think more clearly about your options.

The options in dealing with an overcontrolling boss are close to those recommended for an overly competitive boss. Those two types are far from the same kinds of people, yet—and this is very important—their effects on you can be very similar.

The chances that an overcontrolling boss is going to change are very slim. Why should he or she? This person has power and the gratification that come with expressing himself or herself freely. Protecting your sense of self is critical. Reread the suggestions about extreme competitiveness at the end of Chapter 15—and do these things in spades. Your goal is to reduce the pressure, to get out from under being dominated. Completely? That's not very likely. Significantly? Yes, enough to reclaim your energy in order to make realistic plans and search for alternatives.

You've worked on your self-esteem and are mentally prepared to handle your overcontrolling, difficult person. Here are some suggestions about what to do next:

• A Coworker. Work at your own pace; smile; give feedback; behave as if he or she is the most normal, nicest person in the world. Say, “I appreciate all your help and advice. Let me do it my way. You wouldn't want me to be all over your back. Relax. We'll get more done.”
• A Boss. The game plan is for you to get out from under. The best ploy is for you to become a moving target—hard to follow and track down. This is how: Provide a lot of feedback; document; make many suggestions; be pleasant and cooperative—and firm—about what you can and cannot do. Suggest this and that; be here and there; be busy; modify a request (“Have you thought of this…?”) or add your own twist (“What if we do it this way?”).