8

Reflect on Your Outlook

Creating choice, connection, and competence increases your sense of well-being. Reflecting on your outlook heightens your awareness of just how good optimal motivation feels! Motivation science confirms that creating choice, connection, and competence feels so good, you want more—not less. Mindfully feeling good makes you want to continue feeling good. You realize

   You have created choice—and can initiate more

   You have created connection—and can develop more

   You have created competence—and can build more

But reflecting, the third action in the skill of motivation as shown in figure 6, also proves helpful if you haven’t shifted or you discover you have a suboptimal outlook.

Months after attending a motivation workshop I conducted, Josie, one of the participants, told me, “I was sitting at my desk when I noticed my stomach was tied in knots. I was feeling pressure and almost sick.” That was when Josie says the skill of motivation kicked in. She explained, “I reflected on my motivation and identified I had an imposed motivational outlook for a meeting scheduled later that day. As I peeled away the layers to understand where the pressure was coming from, I realized it was a coworker who would be in the meeting. She pushes all my buttons. I was anxious and worried about having to deal with her.”

Figure 6 Action 3 in the skill of motivation — reflect on your outlook

Josie continued, “I decided to see if I could shift my motivation. I considered my choices. I had choice—I could go or not go to the meeting. I’d chosen to go. I asked myself how I could create connection and realized the meeting was aligned to goals that were important to me and I could also live one of my values—being a team player. And then, like a time bomb going off when I least expected it, I got in touch with how it would feel if I could handle my coworker with grace instead of being scared of her! It may sound corny, but I walked into the meeting feeling determined, uplifted, and purposeful.”

As Josie finished telling me her story, I was struck by her conclusion: “In reflection, I know the results of the meeting were transformed because I was. My coworker and I may never be best friends, but we have both remarked on how proud we are of working so well together!” Remember how Josie’s story started out with her reflecting on the pressure she felt? And her story ended with her reflection validating how her shift in motivation led to positive outcomes. Reflecting is essential to maintaining an optimal outlook—or shifting if you haven’t already.

How to Reflect

Sometimes talking to yourself isn’t crazy. Asking yourself questions and mindfully answering them is a form of reflection. The questions to create choice, connection, and competence described throughout this book are mechanisms for shifting to and maintaining optimal motivation.

But even if you haven’t shifted yet, the questions become a powerful tool for reflecting—especially if you focus on the why part of the questions. For example, when it comes to my goal or situation,

   Why am I making the choices I am making? Why am I not making certain choices?

   Why is this goal or situation meaningful to me? Why isn’t this goal or situation meaningful? Why do I hesitate to connect with the people involved?

   Why is gaining competence important to me? Why isn’t learning from this goal valuable to me?

When engineers are faced with an electrical or mechanical failure, they ask five whys to get to the root source of the problem. Human nature is infinitely more complex, so you may need to ask yourself why more than five times to get to the root source of your motivation. The effort is worth it, according to research showing that answering the why question reveals “whether one perceives the goal-directed behavior emanates from one’s self or, alternatively, is brought about by forces or pressures external to the self.”¹

The questions to create choice, connection, and competence probe your whys and prompt something even more profound in the process: mindfulness. You can draw from a myriad of techniques to help you reflect, but mindfulness stands out as the superior strategy.

What just happened to your motivation when you read that mindfulness is a superior strategy? Did the idea of mindfulness pique your interest, resonate as true, generate disinterest, or maybe even tap into a fear that mindfulness could conflict with a religious or spiritual belief you have? By simply answering the question about your reaction to mindfulness—noticing how it affects you emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually—you are on the verge of practicing mindfulness.

Being aware of what’s happening is something you do day in and day out. You notice the sound of a fan blowing, your stomach growling, people speaking on the phone, the room temperature, the taste of food. But the challenge mindfulness poses is being attuned without judging or reacting in the moment! The point of mindfulness is to free us from feelings, emotions, experiences, bias, prejudice, and preconceived notions that prevent new ways of perceiving our world.

Ellen Langer, who’s been studying mindfulness since the early 1970s, insists that mindfulness is not much harder than mindlessness.² You don’t need to meditate to be mindful, although meditation certainly enhances mindfulness. Rather, you simply need to notice new things without judgment. To see for yourself what Langer’s studies have proven, think of something you would describe as distasteful—such as rap or classical music. Now, listen to it. If you don’t like football, watch it. As you engage with whatever you find distasteful, notice five or six new things about it. Chances are, the more you notice about the activity, the more you come to like or enjoy it. Mindfulness enables you to be open to alternatives, options, and other possibilities. Within those possibilities lies optimal motivation.

To master your motivation, reflect by being mindful of

   Feelings

   Reasons behind your motivation

   New perspectives

Be Mindful of Feelings

Early in our relationship, I continually hounded my introverted husband with the dreaded question, How do you feel? Known for his thoughtful letters to family and friends, he presented me with a note that began, “You tell me I don’t share my feelings with you enough. So, for your birthday, I thought I would tell you how I feel.” My heart skipped a beat. Then I read the next line: “I feel fine.”

My husband’s note has become a running gag in our family, but he reminded me in a humorous way that incessant probing about someone’s feelings can be discomforting—and shut the person down instead of opening him or her up. Reflecting on your own feelings might be uncomfortable, but being mindful of how you feel at any moment is essential for mastering your motivation.

An effective question to ask yourself is, When I think about my goal, how does it make me feel? However, feelings is an umbrella term that needs to be unraveled before it can be useful. What is a feeling? Begin by making the distinction between physical sensations and emotions. I learned the difference the hard way.

After studying kung fu for a few years, I begged my instructor, Kenny, to spar with me. I wanted to put what I’d learned into practice. Kung fu is primarily a form of defense, so Kenny was hesitant to spar, preferring to focus on the mental aspects of self-control. I pleaded. Finally, he agreed and helped me don protective headgear, pads, and boxing gloves. I was so excited! Within seconds, Kenny landed a ferocious side kick that moved me about two feet sideways. I wasn’t hurt physically because of all the padding, but I let out a shriek and started flailing—attacking with punches and kicks, ducking and swerving—with no sense of what I was doing.

Kenny stopped, held up his hand, and instructed me to take off my gear. I was confused. We had just started. “Pull it off,” he instructed. “You are not in control of your emotions.”

Kenny explained that I had let my emotions rule my behavior. I needed to learn to separate my feelings, the physical from the emotional, or I would fail. Kenny taught me that a physical sensation is taken in through my senses—pressure, pain, a smell, a sight, a sound. An emotion is my interpretation or opinion of the physical sensation. My emotions tend to be based on past baggage, future expectations, or fears—but not on the present moment. By not being in the present moment and letting my emotions rule my behavior, I would easily be vanquished by my opponent.

The following week, I asked to spar again. I donned the gear, took a breath, and began. It didn’t take long for Kenny to raise his hand and instruct me to pull off my gear. I was still controlled by my emotions. I was not mindful. The reality is, some people are more naturally disposed to be mindful than others. My personality type tends to be more spontaneous, quick to react, and judgmental—the opposite of the characteristics required for mindfulness! My sparring experience taught me I had a lot to learn—and not just about kung fu.

The skill to recognize a physical sensation and the emotion tied to it is invaluable when learning to master your motivation. Don’t simply ask yourself what you’re feeling. Ask yourself what you notice about your physical sensations. If you feel a negative sensation—I call it a physiological disturbance—pay attention. Your physiological disturbance is probably tied to an emotion you haven’t explored. Try to identify that emotion.

For example, if I grab your upper arm and squeeze, you have a physical sensation of pressure—and if I squeeze hard enough, maybe even pain. Without conscious thought, you probably also have an emotional response. You might feel flattered that I chose to squeeze your arm. You may feel annoyed because I am stronger than you are. You may be unable to identify your emotion until you peel back the layers and recognize a feeling of discomfort stemming from when you were a child and your father grabbed your arm to control you from wandering off in a large crowd. You never realized until now that when someone grabs your arm, you feel controlled—and maybe resentful.

Use your physical sensations as your alarm bell that reminds you to mindfully investigate the emotion lurking beneath the sensation. Adam, a sales leader, had achieved success in his field by responding to his client’s feelings but ignoring his own. His story is a good example of how recognizing our own feelings can prompt a motivation shift.

Adam noticed his feelings, but instead of judging them, he took the opportunity to explore them, learn from them, and then let some go and embrace others. Being mindful of your feelings—physical sensations and emotions—helps you master your motivation by affording you the space to avoid an inappropriate (or programmed) response and to acknowledge and identify your emotions so you can choose a more meaningful and growthful reaction.

Be Mindful of the Reasons behind Your Motivation

Dr. Ken Blanchard has often said any diet works if you stick with it. The problem is, we don’t stick with it. Why is that? By now, you probably know the answer: diets undermine choice, connection, and competence.

When my husband decided to go on a diet, I warned him he was being lured by false promises. As most of us do, Drea thought he was doing something good. But research shows that even if you lose weight on a special diet, you gain it back quickly (over twelve weeks, on average). Worse, you typically gain back more than you lost and become so discouraged, you don’t believe in your ability to lose weight in the future.⁴ You may get sucked in to diets when your company’s HR department offers rewards for losing weight or be enticed by the vision of being idolized by classmates at your school reunion, but chances are slim (excuse the pun) you’ll succeed.

To protect Drea from the pain of failure, I asked if he’d be willing to practice the skill of motivation on his weight-loss journey. (I think he agreed from an aligned, not an imposed, outlook!) His journey is described below—along with tips for how you can benefit from his experience.

Action 1: Identify Your Outlook

Drea examined why he wanted to go on the diet and decided he had an integrated motivational outlook. One of the ways he defines himself is as an athlete. Over the years, playing organized sports wasn’t reasonable, and the inactivity without a change in diet took its toll. He was eager to “be more authentic to himself.” I double-checked: he wasn’t going on a diet to please me or impress anyone else but to be more integrated with the person he believed himself to be.

When you identify your motivational outlook, be brutally honest with yourself. Acknowledge the real reasons for embarking on a diet. Is your motivation suboptimal? If you are dieting to impress or are hoping for a tangible or intangible reward, concede you have an external outlook. If you are dieting out of guilt or shame for being overweight or fear of someone judging you or not loving you, own up to your imposed outlook.

You may have an aligned outlook because you’ve linked losing weight to an important value such as being healthy, having the energy to do the activities you enjoy, honoring the body you’ve been entrusted to maintain, or being a good role model for your children (but only if you aren’t imposed on and acting out of guilt or shame). You may have an integrated outlook if, as Drea did, you consider dieting and losing weight an activity that empowers your authentic self.

Action 2: Shift to or Maintain an Optimal Outlook

To kick-start his diet, Drea chose to see a diet counselor, who conducted weekly measurements, including percentage of fat loss versus muscle loss. He also answered questions to create choice, connection, and competence—and had some fascinating insights:

   What choices did you make this week that you are glad you made, and what choices do you wish you hadn’t made—and why? I was glad I ordered a hamburger wrapped in lettuce with no bun and red onions instead of white onions in my omelet because they have fewer calories. These choices made me mindful that I can make all kinds of choices I hadn’t thought of before.

   How did you deepen connection? Do you feel a greater sense of belonging? Did you align with values or a sense of purpose? Are others benefiting from your diet? Feeling that I have control over my choices also makes me feel that I have more control over myself—it reminds me of being an athlete, taking care of my body, and generating more energy. My choices deepen my connection to my authentic self. I’m eating less meat, and I think that’s good for the environment—an important value for me. I am also getting in touch with how much I want to be healthy for my grandchildren—to watch them grow. That’s a reason for dieting that I didn’t consider when I started but has become more and more at the heart of why I want to eat healthy.

   What skills do you have that have proved helpful? What have you learned? If you’ve made mistakes, what have you learned from them? I learned why red onions have fewer calories than white onions (less sugar content). When I ordered the hamburger, I was about to order the french fries. But I learned that I can pay for a whole order but ask them to fill the carton only halfway. They think I’m crazy, but why tempt myself if I don’t have to? I learned that it feels good to eat only a few fries. I also learned that I don’t have to be perfect. If I have a day where I eat more than I need, I accept it and find myself eager to get back to a routine that generates more positive energy. Fitting into clothes I didn’t think I’d wear again is just a bonus.

Action 3: Reflect on Your Outlook

Drea reflected throughout his diet experience. Mindfulness was integrated into all the questions and his thoughtful answers. He continues to notice physical sensations and related emotions essential for making good choices and learning how his body reacts to food and exercise.

If you are dieting, reflect on how you feel, what’s become clear, and the reasons for shifting and continuing to eat healthy. Reframe dieting so that you embrace the energy you’re gaining, not just the weight you’re losing. Reflecting provides food for thought that will fuel your options for moving forward.

I am happy to report that Drea is no longer dieting—for all the right reasons! Through awareness, mindfulness, and continued reflection, Drea no longer considers himself dieting. He has integrated a healthy way of eating into his life. He discovered he really likes hamburgers wrapped in lettuce, he feels full after a healthy salad, and he can indulge in his Sunday-morning waffle because he’s aware that it’s a treat he’s choosing and not a cheat that might cause shame or guilt.

If you choose to change your diet or embark on a weight-loss journey, ask yourself these simple questions:

   How am I creating choice? When you are hungry and tempted by something unhealthy try asking yourself, “If I could have anything in the world, what would I have?” When you give yourself the freedom to make even an imaginary choice, you find yourself making the best choice.

   How am I creating connection? I have seen countless examples of people being unsuccessful at losing weight until they linked their efforts to values and a noble purpose that are more important than eating the food that leads to weight gain, less energy, or ill health.

   How am I creating competence? What you learn as you change your eating habits is often more fulfilling than what you’re eating.

In chapter 2, I made the point that needing to use discipline could be a red flag warning for suboptimal motivation. If you need discipline to diet, you probably haven’t shifted to optimal motivation. But when you shift, the result of your day-to-day behavior is discipline! Drea found his successful weight loss experience tapped into the discipline he felt as an athlete. Developing discipline through dieting with optimal motivation is totally different than having to be disciplined to diet.

Mastering your motivation is the key to solving the mystery of why diets don’t work for losing weight—and what does.

Be Mindful of New Perspectives

Reflecting can help you shift your motivation when you’re under pressure by providing fresh perspectives on everyday goals or routine tasks. Mark’s experience is one most of us can relate to—no matter the goal. Mark and his wife, Siri, bought a home originally constructed in the late 1950s. Problems popping up weren’t a matter of if but when. Mark admits that handyman duties are not his thing, so his solution was to outsource home maintenance. But over time, his strategy proved too expensive. He needed to change his approach—and that meant changing his motivation on home maintenance.

Mark learned how to reflect on a goal he was optimally motivated to do (laundry) and use the insight to bring fresh perspective to a goal he wasn’t optimally motivated to do. Mark had much to gain and little to lose in trying to shift his motivation. His negative energy, guilt, and defensiveness had been a burden. But is it worth the effort to shift on a routine task you have no interest in doing? That was Calla’s situation. She didn’t have negative energy—she was simply apathetic about expense reports. Typically, she waited until the last minute until someone “pushed her.”

Reframing the task of submitting expense reports enabled Calla to shift from the low-quality energy of the disinterested outlook to the positive energy of the aligned outlook. I could argue that as Calla continues to reflect on submitting expense reports, she might continue gaining perspective: she could shift to an integrated outlook as the routine task becomes symbolic of being a loyal corporate citizen and a demonstration of contributing to her workplace community.

Mindful reflection can reveal new perspectives that we can’t see until our motivation shifts. Every time you learn something, your brain creates new neural circuits or alters old ones. But if you always do what you’ve always done, your brain simply follows old pathways. For example, if you walk through the park the same way every day, no new paths are created, but the old pathway is deepened—not just in the grass but in the neural pathway in your brain. Sometimes deepening pathways is helpful—habitual behavior deepens your neural pathways, which enables you to do some things without thinking. Have you ever driven home and realized you don’t consciously remember stepping on the gas pedal, stopping at a red light, or turning on the street leading to your house? It’s almost as if your car drove itself home.

However, deep pathways aren’t helpful when your motivation is suboptimal—they perpetuate low-quality energy. But you can use mindfulness to lift you out of the negative neural pathway that has you feeling disinterested, dependent on external motivation, or imposed on by pressure or fear. Imagine taking a helicopter ride in your brain, rising above the neural pathways—or what might be called ruts—that limit your thoughts and actions.

Shifting your motivation blasts you out of complacency or negativity. But then what? How do you keep from being sucked back into the rut? Eileen, an expert in resilience, describes how mindful reflection raised her above negative patterns and provided her options for proceeding.

Eileen’s story reinforces that reflecting is the key for continuing to create choice, connection, and competence after you’ve shifted. Practicing mindfulness as a form of reflection keeps your mental helicopter aloft so you can keep rising above negative neural pathways in your brain. Eileen also learned that seeing the horizon from below the horizon is impossible, but new horizons emerge when you mindfully rise above the limited thinking that has you repeatedly following the same road instead of moving forward.

Through reflection, you realize that you can choose the quality of your experience anytime and anywhere. With practice, mastering your motivation shifts not only the quality of your motivational outlook but the quality of your life.

Gain more insight for reflecting on your outlook by visiting the Master Your Motivation page at www.susanfowler.com.