Part 6
When It’s Personal

Facing a problem presents a much less vulnerable part of you than running from it does.

—Unknown

This is probably where some of you will cringe. Do I have to hear about my assistant’s personal life? Why can’t we leave that stuff where it belongs—at home? If you are asking yourself questions like these, perhaps you haven’t yet realized that the line between work and personal life is no longer as clear as it once was. For some, there is no line; their work is their life (just think of Milton in the movie Office Space). And of course there is always the human element: You are not managing robots; everyone has a personal life—even you!

Have you ever had a personal problem that has spilled over into your work and affected it adversely? If so, how did it feel? What was your manager’s reaction? Even you are very good at compartmentalizing, if you’ve lived long enough, chances are you’ve had a life situation that has impinged on your work. Divorce, death, marriage, illness, taxes—these are all a part of life. If you find yourself uncomfortable with empathy and commiseration, you can still address these things without sounding all treacle-y. Of course, if saccharine is more your style, have at it!

When an Employee Has a Death in The Family

Empathic

• This may be the hardest thing you can go through. Our prayers are with you.

• I lost a loved one, so I can relate to what you’re going through.

• I feel terrible for you; please take as much time as you need—on us.

• Here is my home number; please call me if you need anything.

• How can we best support you during this difficult time?

• We understand and will do everything we can to get you through this.

• You can count on us to be there for you during this time.

• Let me know if you need anything; you know I’m here for you.

• People on the team have volunteered to help you with meals, laundry, etc.

• Nobody expects you to bounce right back into the thick of things.

• We offer support during times of bereavement; make sure you take advantage of that.

• Our employee assistance program is the best resource I can think of.

• You won’t be terribly effective for a while, but you’ll get through it with time.

• As they say, time heals all wounds.

• This, too, shall pass.

• She wasn’t well, so this wasn’t altogether sudden, right?

• We provide for a week off for bereavement. I hope that’s enough time.

Distancing

• I hope you’re able to come back soon; we really need you here.

• Since you’re almost out of personal days, you’ll need to use your vacation time.

• Will you be able to deal with this while keeping up with your work?

• So what are you going to do about your workload?

• I know you’ve had a death in the family, but the show must go on.

• I certainly understand that you’re hurting, but I have a business to run and mouths to feed.

When an Employee Is Ill

Empathic

• I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well. Please get better soon.

• We’re not saving lives here. Please take all the time you need to get better.

• Oh no, I hope it’s nothing serious!

• Sorry to hear that; if there’s anything you need, please let me know.

• There’s nothing worse than being sick. Take some time off and get well.

• Please don’t come in; we don’t want to catch it, too!

• It’s better to rest up now than push yourself and get sicker later.

• Please take advantage of your sick leave and get some rest.

Distancing

• Get well soon; we need you here!

• It’s not that I don’t believe you, but we’ll need a doctor’s note for our records.

• Everyone gets sick from time to time, but we all need to push through as best we can.

• So there’s no way you can make it in?

• Would it be possible for you to work from home?

• Shall I forward all your files to your home e-mail address?

• Can’t you take some meds and just tough it out?

• I was able to work through my recent illness. What’s your excuse?

• When someone is sick this often, their commitment is naturally called into question.

When an Employee Is Going Through a Divorce

Empathic

• No one should have to go through this. Take whatever time you need.

• You must be grieving terribly; how can we best support you during this time?

• I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do?

• My own divorce was awful, so I can relate to what you’re going through.

• I have heard that divorce is like a death; please take some time to recover and practice self-care.

• We will do everything in our power to help get you through this.

• We all go through rough patches in life: that’s why we all support each other here.

Distancing

• You can count on me to take up the slack while you’re gone.

• I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here if you need anything.

• I think you need to take a little personal time to help you get back on track.

• Others have gotten through this just fine, and you will, too.

• Things will be tough for a while, but you’ll get through it; don’t worry.

• We have an employee assistance program to help you through this.

• This probably makes you wish you’d never gotten married in the first place, doesn’t it?

• Sometimes you just have to be willing to let go and move on.

• You’re better off without him.

• I never liked her anyway.

• Are you sure you’re handling this the right way?

• Hopefully you will be able to move on and concentrate on work again soon.

• If I were you I’d reach a quick settlement so you can get on with your life.

• Is this going to drag out for a long time?

• This is just a fact of life today. I really hope your work won’t suffer.

• I am sorry you’re hurting, but I have a business to run.

• We all have personal problems, but we can’t let them affect our productivity.

When an Employee Is Stressed Out

Empathic

• You seem stressed. Is there anything I can do?

• I know things are stressful right now; how can I best help you?

• I can see you’re stressed. Have I loaded you up with too much work?

• I’ve never seen you so on edge. Talk to me about what’s going on.

• Do you need help with anything? You seem upset.

• You seem to be under fire all the time. What gives?

• Stress is the number-one killer; I don’t want my employees dropping like flies.

• Can we move some work off your plate? Or perhaps a vacation is in order?

• Is there something wrong that we can help you with?

• I know it’s tough to put your emotions aside, but you need to try.

• Up until now, you’ve been my most steady worker. What’s going on?

• We all feel stress; it’s how you deal with it that counts.

• Be honest: Are you just unable to shoulder the workload here?

• There isn’t a job in the world that come without stress. You’re just not handling it well.

• It seems like your coping skills could use some brushing up.

• There’s no avoiding stress; what matters is whether we can cut the mustard.

Harsh

• You really need to be more zen about everything.

• If you can’t find your level here, maybe it’s just not working out.

• Huh, I really thought you could handle the stress here.

• When I was your age there wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.

• I can’t have employees coming apart at the seams. Get yourself under control.

• We’re all under pressure. You need to buck up.

• If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

• Take a chill pill. You’re making the rest of us anxious.

When an Employee Is Burned Out

Concerned

• You work harder than anyone I know. Take some time off and relax.

• You’re a bit frayed lately. I think you should take a day off to unwind.

• You’ve got Stage One burnout. Let’s not let this go any further.

• I know you’re at the end of your rope. What can I do to help?

• You’ve been working overtime for too long; it’s time for a respite.

• I see some symptoms of burnout here; I sure hope I’m wrong.

• We can’t afford to let you burn out; how can we help?

Distancing

• Everyone hits the wall every now and then. Would a lateral move help?

• We need to nip this in the bud before you do some real damage to yourself.

• This is a classic case of overwork. Do you think some time off would help?

• I don’t know what we’d do if you flamed out for good.

• Is this really burnout, or is there something else going on?

• I think you should avail yourself of our Employment Services program.

• I’m not sure if you’re really burned out or just lazy.

• Is your manager making life difficult for you or something? [joking]

• Most people with “burnout” just don’t know how to manage their time.

• You job isn’t harder than anyone else’s here, so I’m not sure what I can do.

• I know several other people who have much better reasons to be frazzled.

• If you can’t stand the heat, maybe it’s time to get out of the kitchen.

• I’m not really familiar with burnout because most people who can’t handle it here just leave.

When an Employee Has Financial Difficulties

Compassionate

• The company would like to help you out until you get back on your feet.

• In this economy so many people are suffering. Is there anything we can do to help?

• We’ve all gone through financial ups and downs, so don’t feel like you’re alone.

• I’m a wiz at financial planning. If you’re open, let’s meet and see if we can create a plan.

• I’m not sure what I can do to help, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care.

• I have an excellent book on finances and budgeting. If you like, I can loan it to you.

• Life is tough for all of us these days; we just have to make the best of what we have.

• Many people have gone through this; I’m sure you’ll be fine.

• People in the Third World—now they have problems.

• I don’t like to discuss financial matters with my employees unless it’s affecting productivity.

• Your problems are a bit outside of my range of expertise, I’m afraid.

• You might want to look into a program to help you manage your finances.

• I’ve really got a lot on my plate right now. Are you sure this can’t wait?

• Weren’t you having the same issues a year ago?

• Have you looked into food stamps or the local soup kitchen?

• I know you’re going through some lean times, but it’s not like it’s an emergency.

Distancing

• Most people who have financial problems create them themselves.

• If you can’t handle your finances, how can you realistically handle this job?

• I understand you’re having issues, but I do have a business to run.

When an Employee Seems Blue or Down

Compassionate

• I hate to see you going through this. Is there anything I can do?

• My heart goes out to you; please don’t feel that you have to suffer in silence.

• I can see that you’re struggling; please talk to me; I’m here to help.

• You seem sad. Is there something I can do to help?

• My door is open if you ever feel you need to talk or vent.

• I’m sorry to see you so out of sorts; is there a specific way I can help?

• I see depression just like any other illness, one requiring treatment and compassion.

• You seem really down and we’re all starting to worry about you.

• Sometimes the best thing to do is just vent about your problems to a neutral third party.

• If you feel like this often, maybe you should look into getting treatment.

Distancing

• I sure hope I haven’t contributed to your problems!

• This world is enough to make anyone feel blue; it’s how we react to it that counts.

• Everyone has a bad day now and then, but it seems like this has gone on for a long time.

• Your productivity has really been slipping; is that what’s causing your blue mood?

• We have a doctor/therapist on staff. I’d suggest you make an appointment.

• There are probably better people to talk to about this than me.

• I don’t really like to get involved in the personal problems of my employees.

• I’ve felt down about things before, but I always try to carry on.

• I’m not sure that venting or dwelling on problems is the best plan of attack.

• Depression is a real illness, but I believe that many people are just malingering.

• We can’t have you moping around here all day and affecting morale.

(Note: Suicidal ideation, words, or actions should always been taken seriously.)

When an Employee Is Dealing With Domestic Violence

Hands-Off

• I wish I was equipped to give you the help you need.

• We strongly encourage you to get whatever help you need.

• I feel terrible, but I don’t want to pry into your private life if you don’t want me to.

• I feel your pain but I am unsure how to help.

• Anger is one thing, but this person is going too far!

• We care about you too much to lose you.

• Do you think you should go to a shelter?

• The company has a handbook about domestic violence. Would you like a copy?

• If you stay with him much longer, you’ll end up with Stockholm syndrome.

• You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, you know.

• I believe you are one of those people who can break the chain of violence.

• In my opinion I think you should get out and get help.

• Please get out of this situation right away and seek help!

• You need to create a plan to get out; what can I do to help you?

• I want you to take as much time as you need to get yourself safe and away from this person.

• There are people here who would be happy to take you in. Here are their numbers.

• I want you to speak to this lawyer friend of mine so you know your rights.

Directive

• This person is bad news. You need to get out–now.

• I am not ordinarily so take-charge, but I can’t stand to see you hurting like this.

• I’m taking you to the police station so you can press charges. Then, I’m taking you someplace safe.

(Note: If there is an imminent risk of danger to anyone, the only correct response is to contact the appropriate authorities and call 911.)