CHAPTER 11

Managing Negative Reactions in Your High-Stakes Conversations

Going Down the Rabbit Hole

After Scott’s daughter, Alana, watched Star Wars for the first time, he found her with her hand outstretched toward a coffee table.

“What are you doing?” Scott asked.

“I’m trying to make my book come to me,” she answered honestly.

“You’re trying to see…?” he started to ask.

“If I’m a Jedi!” she finished his question without embarrassment.

Alas, we are not Jedis. Well, maybe you are, but the authors admit readily that they do not have the power to bend the laws of physics or control minds. And, unless you have those supernatural powers, you will need to apply some of the tips we have already covered when your well-intended High-Stakes Conversation (HSC) goes down the rabbit hole into a place you hoped to avoid.

Outlook and Your High-Stakes Conversation Partners

Your Outlook comes with you wherever you go. In the Outlook phase of the SOAR self-leadership cycle, we explored the cognitive biases that join your MTMs and can distort perceptions of the situation, yourself, and others in your HSCs. We spent so much time on how to stretch your Outlook and perceptions, so they do not become static.

Just like you have an Outlook about other people, other people have an Outlook about you! Each HSC involves multiple Outlooks. When you add important, complex, and relational situations, you add threats, fears of potential loss, and heightened emotions.

While your Outlook should stretch and be portable, you may find yourself in MTMs with the following categories of people.

While you can choose your own Outlook, you cannot always choose your HSC partners—or their Outlook or baggage. Those factors can make conversations messy and challenging—quickly deteriorating into interactions that derail progress in your MTM.

Managing Negative Reactions

If the person in your HSC reacts negatively, it’s likely that the situation or your conversation has triggered their threat response. Something about the HSC or MTM situation has made them feel psychologically unsafe.

Remember the ARC (Autonomy, Relationships, Competence) model for motivation and threat in Chapter 5? People react, often with defensiveness, when they perceive a threat to their ARC needs. Considering the flight or fight mode, these behaviors inhibit problem-solving, creativity, and collaboration (see Table 11.1).

Table 11.1 Fight-or-flight responses

FLIGHT RESPONSE	FIGHT RESPONSE
Accommodating Silence/Avoiding Ignoring Shutting Down	Controlling Attacking Fighting Debating

Most of our focus has been on preparing your Self and Outlook to engage in the Action of HSCs. We have deliberately focused on what you can control, because doing so empowers you in your MTMs.

What you cannot control is other people’s reactions. The remainder of this chapter will focus on what you can control when other people react, especially with defensiveness, so your HSC does not get derailed. These strategies will help you diffuse pressure and re-align on what matters.

Forms of Defensiveness: A Case Study

Imagine that while you work from home during the COVID-19 outbreak, a senior leader charges you and a colleague, Jill, to update your business continuity plan so your organization is better prepared for subsequent crises. The senior leader makes it clear that “this is your top and only priority,” and you are given two weeks to turn in your first draft for review.

You and Jill divide up sections and tasks for completing a review of the current continuity plan. You offered to write up the new table of contents, create a short summary, and highlight all recommended changes. The two of you agreed to share documents online so you can complete your parts of the work simultaneously.

But Jill has not shared any documents for three days. You have emailed and called her several times, and her response is always the same: “I’m uploading the new documents now.” And still, you have not seen anything. You become very concerned that the report is due on Monday. Today is Thursday. Even if you got all the documents you needed within the hour, you will have to work all weekend long to make the final version ready.

After lunch on Thursday, Jill emails you to say that she is running behind, but hopes to have something to you by the end of business Friday.

Now you find yourself in the middle of an MTM, so you take it as an opportunity to have an HSC.

You call Jill, saying something like this, “Jill, I’m concerned about being able to get things done on my side even if I had all of your updates today. Can we talk about how we can work together to deliver this report on time?” Table 11.2 shows her possible defensive responses.

You know that your statement and question is fine. You thought through it before you spoke. And you are pretty sure that you kept out any negative voice tone, even though you feel threatened by the approaching deadline. But you are also frustrated because you finished your half of the work with no problem. As you offered to do the tasks that would come at the very end of the work, you are feeling screwed over.

None of that matters at this point, because how Jill responds now is up to her.

Have you ever seen any of these reactions? We know you have. Now to add to your own self-awareness, which response do you have when triggered or defensive? Each of us has a natural reaction. Knowing your tendency equips you to manage the reactions of yourself and others.

Table 11.2 Defensive reactions

Anger	“I didn’t ask to be on this project. Since you’re the senior person, I assumed that you’d be doing much more of the work than me.”
Excuses	“It’s a madhouse over here. I’m home schooling three boys….” “No one told my other clients that I’m on a special project, so I’ve had to help them. I don’t have time to do both.” “I never thought that two weeks was enough time to get all of this done….”
Denial	“All you have to do is cut and paste once I send it to you. It’s not going to be a big deal. A couple of hours, and you’re done.”
Deflecting humor	“Do you think the boss would believe my dog ate my laptop?”
Blaming	“I’ve never liked this document sharing platform. Thanks to IT, I’ve spent more time trying to figure out how to use this software than actually working on the report….” “You gave me the longest sections of the report, so of course it’s going to take me longer to get this done!”
Passive aggression	“We can talk about it if you want, but it’s just going to take me longer to get you my material if we waste time talking about it.”
Sarcasm	“If you’ve found a way to slow down time, I’m all ears!”

Which leads to the next point: What are the best strategies for managing defensive reactions?

The Five A’s for Managing Defensive Reactions

Have you ever said something that you believed to be innocently worded and in a neutral voice, only to have the other person react like a tiger about to pounce? It happens all the time with our spouses, children, coworkers, and bosses. At times, the other person detected something you said or the way you said it and felt triggered (Table 11.3).

Were you a gifted Jedi, you could read minds, plant thoughts, and change others’ reactions. Instead of using those superpowers, you must rely on what you see through observation and hear through words and tone.

The very nature of some HSCs can make others feel threatened. One thing is clear: you won’t have ongoing success with your HSCs unless you can understand what is threatening others and create a safe space for a productive dialogue. Following are the five A’s for addressing defensive reactions so you can get back on track with having a quality HSC.

Address Your Negative Emotions

What happens when you give constructive criticism or feedback to a person whose natural response is blaming, minimizing, shifting focus, or shutting down? If your reaction is flight, you may stop giving that person feedback. You may even avoid that person altogether. But if your response is fight, it’s likely that you will react with your own defensiveness, which only escalates negative feelings and conflict.

Table 11.3 Defensive interpretations

What you said…	What the other person may hear…
Did you get my email?	You think I never read my email.
When should I expect that report?	You think I am slacking on the report.
Is everything okay?	You think I look pissed off.
Did you get a haircut?	You hate my haircut.
How should we move forward?	You want me to change to accommodate you.
I think we both agree that…	You have decided for both of us…
Can we talk about this situation?	You are upset with me around this situation.
I am excited to work with you again!	You will take credit for my work again!

We have all experienced the negative impact of reacting out of fear or anger. Later we often regret that we were not more in control of our emotions, words, and actions.

In Chapter 6, we shared “Three Mindfulness Strategies to Regulate Emotions.” It may have seemed theoretical, as it was far removed from any confrontation. But, as you enter an HSC with the very real possibility of a negative reaction, it bears repeating.

While you are not always afforded the luxury of scheduling impromptu HSCs, you learned how your body reacts when negative emotions are triggered (e.g., clenched jaw, shallow increased breathing, a sinking feeling in your stomach, and maybe starting to feel hot or sweat). Then recall the Three Mindfulness Strategies to Regulate Emotions that we covered in Chapter 6.

Pause

Speaking when you are angry is a great way to make the best speech you will forever regret. How do you stifle the urge to react defensively instead of respond thoughtfully? Pause.

Before entering your HSC, set your intention not to react to others’ defensiveness. Think through worst-case responses by the other person. Practice pausing after hearing those things. Then pause when or if they actually happen. If you discipline yourself to create space between your negative emotions and action, you have already won.

Breathe

After you Pause, regain emotional equilibrium through your breath. If you feel your HSC partner’s reaction triggering negative emotions, and you feel anger or fear, breathe to regain control. You now know that your emotions mimic your breathing, so calm your emotions by taking slow, deep breaths. Remember that a 4:6 inhale to exhale ratio is recommended. Using this breathing technique, even for one or two cycles when you sense negative emotions building, helps calm you to choose your response. As your brain settles down, choose to be curious about why the person reacted to you so aggressively.

Label Your Feelings

Identify how you are feeling and put those feelings into words. Labeling your emotions immediately diminishes the power of negative feelings. Research shows this practice greatly improves well-being and enhancing decision making. As neuroscientist say, “name it to tame it”. Labeling an emotion diffuses its power.

After you have paused, breathed, and labeled your feelings, ask yourself: What is my best intention in this HSC? When calm and composed, you won’t think about scoring a point, being right, or putting down the other person. Instead, you remind yourself to be level-headed. When Your Best Self shows up, you want to help the other person join you in a place of calm. Your best intention is to find common ground and come to a resolution that works for both parties.

Acknowledge and Validate the Other’s Negative Emotions

Every party brings emotions to the interaction. While positive emotions unleash creativity, negative emotions inhibit listening, processing of information, and problem-solving. So, just as you regained control over your own negative emotions, you need to acknowledge that the other person has emotions too. Unless you manage the emotional part of the conversation, you will not get back on track.

If you’ve ever tried to minimize or dismiss the negative emotions of another person, you’ve likely learned that it actually amplifies them! Has saying to your spouse or significant other something like, “Calm down,” “Don’t cry,” or “Stop that,” when he or she is triggered ever worked? Never in the history of a heated discussion have similar phrases done anything except add fuel to already hot emotions. Those phrases can be interpreted as code for, “I don’t understand or care about or your feelings, and I refuse to validate what you’re expressing.” Not the basis for a successful HSC, right?

Also, we don’t always interpret others’ emotions accurately. It’s important not to assume we know what the other person feels—or to label them—but instead to ask for clarity or validation of your observations.

Try a couple of the following statements to demonstrate that you heard or saw (in their body language) that the other person is angry, hurt, upset, or frustrated:

Start from a position that accepts what the other person perceives, feels, and says is valid for them, is about them, and comes from their own reality. At times, the person may be projecting negative emotions based on how someone made them feel in the past. Even if that is true, understand that the quickest way to diffuse and diminish emotional intensity is to let the other person express those feelings. Remember what Google research found? Teams that create psychological safety outperform other teams. The same is true of you. When you create a safe space to express negative emotions, you set the stage for a meaningful conversation.

Note that this works only when you are interacting with someone who is not abusive to you. In a chronically abusive relationship wherein someone is only trying to win or put you down, these tactics will not work. You will know a relationship is abusive if you are called names, belittled, railroaded, dismissed, and gaslighted—without progress ever made or compromise occurring. We recommend putting yourself in a place of safety and finding a therapist to work on next steps if this is the case. Depending on the relationship, it may be time to walk away—or set strong boundaries if you need to continue interacting.

Ask Follow-Up Questions about the Other’s Negative Emotions

Once you have acknowledged and validated the other person’s feelings, ask follow-up questions to dig deeper. Following is a short list of examples to give you more insight:

Get comfortable with asking follow-up questions, then being patient with silence so that you can listen to a response.

What If They Are Defensive Because of Something You Said?

If the person reacts defensively to something you said, ask follow-up questions to understand why they interpreted your words as a threat, criticism, or judgment. Try to understand how it could have been taken the wrong way and acknowledge that. Then explain what you really meant.

If the other person misunderstood your intent, clarify by saying: “I did mean to say this ______, but I didn’t mean to say this ______.”

If you misspoke, admit that you did not express your perspective as clearly as you would have liked. Apologize for creating confusion.

Nowhere in your best intention should there be a desire to Be Right at all costs or make someone feel bad. For success in your HSCs, you need the other person to work with you. This can happen when you hear, address, and remove any unintended confusion as soon as you recognize it.

Agree on How to Move Forward in the High-Stakes Conversation

You might need a time-out to regain emotional balance. Once both parties are ready to move forward, it is time to find common ground for continuing your HSC.

One way to get back on track after a defensive reaction is to ask what the other needs from you and share your needs to move forward in the HSC. Finding common ground and making agreements is a great first step to regaining trust and momentum.

The following statements can help you forge an agreement with your HSC partner:

Align Around Common Ground and Shared Goals

In Chapter 7, we shared the importance of aligning your long-term goals and in-the-moment intentions. This same principle applies when your HSC goes sideways. When others are defensive without an apparent reason to be triggered, stop talking about the issue and revisit your shared goals. See if the HSC is still focused on addressing the agreements you made in Step 1 of your HSC: Align on the issue(s) and outcome. If not, why? Has the conversation gone off on a tangent? Do you need to revisit your agreements about the issue or reevaluate the outcome, because it is no longer applicable?

If alignment no longer exists, agree on an updated core issue and outcome of your HSC. Alignment on the issue and outcome should extend across the entirety of your HSC. Where there is mutual understanding—and outcomes are known, aligned, and shared—there is mutual buy-in for success.

In short…When you have an HSC with someone who is reactive, practice the five A’s:

Practicing these five A’s keeps your HSCs moving forward even if they run into resistance early on.

Depending on the MTM, you may work toward a solution once you work through these reactions. Or you may need to walk away until emotions settle and each person can re-face the situation with a fresh perspective.

As mentioned earlier, some people are abusive by nature. These people will not seek a peaceful, joint resolution to any particular problem. Rather, they solicit a verbal sparring partner to bait into an argument. Your MTM or HSC will fail with these individuals. You will need to find another approach for success.

Action: Self-Assessment and Review

Now that you have finished reading the Action phase, read the following statements (Table 11.4) and assess your current proficiency using the following scale:

Table 11.4 Action: Self-assessment and review

	5—Strongly agree
	4—Agree
	3—Neither agree nor disagree
	2—Disagree
	1—Strongly agree
1.	When entering an HSC, I am always clear about my best intentions (Results and Relationships) for the conversation.	5	4	3	2	1
2.	I always try to create clarity and alignment on the core issue in my HSCs.	5	4	3	2	1
3.	I lead with open-ended questions in my HSCs to understand others’ perspectives.	5	4	3	2	1
4.	I take time to ask follow-up questions in my HSCs to increase my understanding.	5	4	3	2	1
5.	I am comfortable allowing space and silence after asking a question in my HSCs.	5	4	3	2	1
6.	I always come prepared to share my perspectives on the issue in my HSCs.	5	4	3	2	1
7.	I create space for listening and sharing my perspectives during my HSCs.	5	4	3	2	1
8.	I know how to ask questions that generate forward-focused solutions in my HSCs.	5	4	3	2	1
9.	I always make time to develop clear agreements for shared action before leaving an HSC.	5	4	3	2	1
10.	I am comfortable with handling defensiveness of others during HSCs.	5	4	3	2	1
11.	I know how to manage my defensive feelings during HSCs.	5	4	3	2	1

Before moving on to the Reflection phase, consider making an action plan for any scores that fall lower than a 4 on these statements. Scores of 3 or below represent where you are most vulnerable to getting it wrong in your MTMs.