IN THIS CHAPTER

Bringing back the old Facebook

Convincing your friends to join Facebook

Setting up Facebook to ensure your privacy

Having worked for Facebook and on this book for several years, we know a lot about the specific complications, confusions, and pain-points people come across while using Facebook. At dinner parties, group functions, family events, or even walking across the street wearing a Facebook hoodie, someone always has a suggestion or a question about how to use the site. It's understandable. Facebook is a complex and powerful tool with a ton of social nuances, many of which have yet to be standardized. There are a lot of different features, and Facebook changes a lot. Each year, Facebook modifies parts of the site, redesigns how certain pages look and feel, and adds features. To keep up on what’s happening with Facebook, you can like the official Facebook Page, found at www.facebook.com/facebook, and you’ll get updates straight from the horse’s mouth.

What follows are the questions I hear most often from friends and family (and the occasional message from a stranger who really needs help), often with strain in their voices or pain in their eyes. The goal of highlighting the more complicated questions is to save you the stress of encountering these issues and wondering whether you’re the only one who just doesn’t get it.

Do People Know When I Look at Their Timelines?

No. No. No. When people see stories about their friends pop up on their Home page, they sometimes get a little anxious that this means Facebook is tracking everything everyone does and publishing it to everyone else. That’s not true. Consider two types of actions on Facebook: creating content and viewing it. Creating content means you’ve intentionally added something to Facebook for others to look at or read, such as uploading a photo or a video, commenting on or liking something, or posting a status. These types of actions are all publishable posts — that is, stories about them may end up on your Timeline or in your friends’ News Feeds — although you have direct control over exactly who gets to see these posts.

The other type of action on Facebook is viewing content such as flipping through photos, watching a video, clicking a link your friend has liked, or viewing someone’s Timeline. Unless someone is looking over your shoulder as you browse, these types of actions are strictly private. No one is ever directly notified about them, and no trace of the fact that you took that action is left on your Timeline or in your friends’ News Feeds. So now you can check people out to your heart’s content.

I Friended Too Many People and Now I Don’t Like Sharing Stuff — What Can I Do?

Having a big friend list is a very sad reason to not be sharing with people you want to share with. You can fix this by using privacy settings, which are covered in detail in Chapter 6. Here’s an overview for how to change who can see a post you are making.

1. When you have completed with your post, click the Privacy menu in the lower-right corner of the Publisher.

   It usually says “Public” or “Friends” by default. This opens a menu of options.

2. Choose Friends Except…

   This opens a window for choosing people from your friend list.

3. Click on the faces of any friends you don’t want to see your post.

   You can scroll up and down or type friends’ names into the search box at the top to find specific people. You can select as many people as you want.

4. When you’re done choosing people, click Save Changes.

   This is now your new default for when you share posts with people.

Another thing you can do is start to remove excess people from your friend list if you don’t think it will cause you social awkwardness in real life. I’ve found that people I used to work with and never see in real life anymore rarely notice when I’ve removed them from my friend list.

What’s with the New Facebook — Can I Change It Back?

Inevitably, Facebook is going to change the way it looks. You’re going to log in one day, and things will look different — the things you were used to seeing on the left will now be on the right, or gone completely, or someplace hidden … it’s confusing. Facebook changes the look and feel of either the Home page or the Timeline about once per year. And trust me when I say that when you log in and this has happened to you, you’re going to hate it.

Unfortunately, no matter what you do, no matter how much you hate it, Facebook rarely goes back on a redesign like that. You won’t be able to change it back, and the best thing you can do is try to figure out the new site. Check out the Help Center (click the Quick Help menu in the big blue bar on top, and then click Help Center in the upper-right corner of the menu that opens) or Facebook’s Page (www.facebook.com/facebook) to read about the layout changes and how the site works. And then try to use Facebook a few minutes a day until you get used to it. Over time, it won’t seem so bad any more. You’ll look at a photo of the old Facebook, and you’ll think how ugly it looks by comparison.

So, short answer: No, you can’t change it back. But I have complete confidence in your ability to adapt to the new Facebook.

I Have a Problem with My Account — Can You Help Me?

I wish I could. Unfortunately, I am but a user like you, and that means although I can help diagnose the issue, I can’t usually treat it. Sometimes the problems are Facebook’s fault, and sometimes they are user errors, but either way, I don’t really have the tools required to fix them. Most account problems can be resolved only by Facebook employees with special access to the specific tool required to fix an account. Here are a few of the account questions I've received recently, and the answers given:

• I can’t remember my password. Can you reset it for me? Answer: No can do. Click the Forgot Account link on the login page to start the reset process, which entails Facebook sending a password reset code to your email or Google account.
• My account was deactivated because it said I was sending too many messages. Why? Can you fix it? Answer: I recently had this happen to two friends: one who was using his account to promote his music career, and one who was distributing his poetry to many, many friends through messages. This is Facebook spam detection at work. When an account starts sending a lot of messages in quick succession, especially when those messages contain links, this looks a lot like spam to the system. In most cases, the person is warned first, but if the behavior continues, his account is disabled. The only way to have this action reversed is to write in to Facebook’s Help Team and request reactivation. To write in to Facebook, go to the Help Center (www.facebook.com/help) and search for a FAQ entitled My Personal Facebook Account Is Disabled. Follow the instructions for contacting Facebook. The process of getting your account reactivated can sometimes take several days.

What Do I Do with Friend Requests I Don’t Want to Accept?

This is a tough question. As far as I know, there isn’t exactly a social convention for this yet, so the answer to this question is pretty personal. Just know that there are several actions you can take:

• Click Delete Request. Remember, people are never notified if you have rejected their friend request. If you don’t want to be their friend, you don’t have to be.
• Many people just leave the request sitting there forever. I admit I am guilty of this. If you don’t want to accept because you don’t want that person having access to your Timeline, you can accept the request and then add him to a special restricted Friend List. You can go into your Privacy settings and exclude that Friend List from seeing any parts of your Timeline that aren’t set to Public. Then anyone you add to that list will be restricted. In this way, you can accept the Friend Request without giving up access to your Timeline.
• If you don’t want to accept because you don’t want to read about that person in your News Feed, no problem! Simply click Confirm. The first time she shows up in News Feed, hover over the story and click the ellipsis (or down arrow) in the upper-right of the story. Choose Unfollow <Friend’s Name> in the menu that opens to prevent any future stories from that person from appearing in your News Feed.

Why Can’t I Find My Friend?

I’m assuming you’re asking this question after exhausting every possibility for finding friends, as described in Chapter 8. And I’m also assuming you’re looking for a specific person, not friends in general.

You won’t be able to find a friend for the following few reasons:

• She hasn’t joined Facebook. Shocking, I know. If you think she’d enjoy it, you can always invite her to join and be your friend as long as you have her email address.
• She goes by a different name on Facebook to protect her privacy. For example, if her name is Jane Smith, she may list her name as Janie S. Try searching for her by her email address or phone number.
• She has a common name. Facebook Search tries to get you to the right Jane Smith by looking at things like friends in common and shared hometowns, but sometimes it comes up empty.
• She doesn’t have much information filled out on her Timeline. If you’re looking for a high school classmate, but she never entered her high school information, you're going to have a hard time finding her.

• She blocked you. Yes, this one is harsh. I put it on the list only because I’ve seen it happen before. Someone says to me, “I know she’s on Facebook. And I know she’s friends with my friend. But when I go to find her she’s not there.”

  While it hurts to be blocked by someone, don’t drive yourself crazy looking for reasons why it happened. If she doesn’t want to connect with you on Facebook, that’s her loss; move on to your other friends and all the things you can share with them.

Will Facebook Start Charging Me to Use the Site?

Another simple answer: No.

This rumor is a particularly nasty one that makes the rounds every now and again via people’s statuses. There are several variations, but they always seem to involve asking you to repost the status that Facebook is shutting down/going to start charging/running out of names. Don’t fall victim to this ruse. Facebook has long maintained that it will always be free to users. Unless you’re advertising something, Facebook will always have space for you for free.

How Do I Convince My Friends to Join Facebook?

While the obvious answer to this question is to give them a copy of this brilliant book about how to use Facebook, there are a few other things you can try. You can tell her anecdotally the ways in which Facebook has enriched your life. Maybe you’re interacting with your kids more, you’re keeping in touch with friends you thought were lost, or you have a place to put your thoughts and photos where your friends might see them. You can let her look over your shoulder as you use the site so that she can see the experience herself — ask her questions about whether there’s anyone she’d like to look up. The more information she sees about the people she cares about, the more likely she is to take the next step.

One common complaint from people who haven’t joined the site is that they “don’t have time for yet another computer thing.” To this concern, one common response is that Facebook is an efficiency tool that often saves a person time compared to using old-school methods of communication. Messaging can often replace email, and events are easier to coordinate over Facebook. Sharing phone numbers is easier. Sending and receiving links is easier. Finding rides to the airport, restaurant recommendations, and who is heading to the park on Saturday are all faster and easier than trying to use email, phone, or other methods of communication.

Finally, for some people, it’s just not their time. No matter what you say, they’ll stick their fingers in their ears and sing la-la-la until you start talking about sports or the weather or the circus coming to town next week. You can’t force them to Facebook; you have to let Facebook come to them. Over the years, I’ve watched many a nonbeliever eventually cross over and discover the value. Patience may be your only weapon for these diehards.

What If I Don’t Want Everyone Knowing My Business?

To those who ask that question and don’t have time to read Chapter 6 of this book, which goes into detail about how to be a private person on Facebook, I simply try to impart the following message: You can be an extremely private person and still derive nearly all the same value out of Facebook as anyone else. All you have to do is learn how to use the Privacy controls and lock down all your information and access to your Timeline, ensuring that only those you trust can see your info. From there, you can interact in all the same ways as anyone else without feeling like your privacy is being compromised.

Note: Besides understanding the Privacy settings and taking the initial time to adjust yours until they feel just right, you will have to do a little extra work to be private on Facebook and still derive comparable value. You’ll likely have to put in extra effort connecting with friends, because the more locked-down your information is, the harder you make it for not-yet-Facebook-friends to find your Timeline, and the harder it is for your friends to find you, identify you, and connect with you. If you’re willing to do the work of seeking out your friends and connecting with them, however, your experience should be nearly identical with everyone else’s.

Does Facebook Have a Feature That Lets Me Lock Myself Out for a Few Hours?

Short answer: Not really.

Long answer: Many people do deactivate their accounts. Deactivation is a way of shutting down your account temporarily. It means that no one will see your Timeline or be able to interact with you on Facebook. Some people will deactivate their accounts, their reason being “I spend too much time using Facebook.” The benefit of such an action is that you’re guaranteed not to get notifications about messages, picture tags, Timeline posts, or anything else. The downside is that it will cause a lot of confusion among your friends who suddenly can’t message you, tag you, or write on your Timeline. If they have your email address, they’re likely to bug you anyway to ask why you disappeared from Facebook.

The reason it’s not a real solution is because all you must do to reactivate at any time is to enter your password (just like signing in), and you’re completely back to normal. So if you’re remotely curious how your social group has evolved without you, you may have trouble truly staying away.

Just like many good things in life, the key to keeping them good is moderation. French fries are delicious, but too many give you a tummy ache. Dancing is a blast ’til your feet are covered with blisters. Television is educational and entertaining until it’s 3 a.m., you’re watching your fifth infomercial, you forgot to feed the cat and put out the trash, and you find yourself wondering what life is all about. Facebook is no different. It’s a brilliant utility when used to make your life easier and your social interactions richer. When you find yourself flipping through two-year-old vacation photos of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, it’s time to blink a few times, step away from the mouse, and go out for ice cream, or dancing, or whatever else it is that gives you joy.