IN THIS CHAPTER

Talking to them about Internet safety

Teaching them how to report abuse and block people

Learning to use Privacy settings

It’s hard to put the word teenager together with the phrase social media and not get just the teensiest bit anxious. A lot of horror stories are out there about cyberbullying and online predators. Any parent is likely to be a bit worried.

However, it’s unreasonable to think you can keep your teen away from Facebook, much less the Internet. That’s where their friends are and that’s where they want to be. So here are some tips I hope will be useful in navigating the waters of Facebook and the Internet at large.

I should acknowledge here that I’m neither a parent of a teen nor a teenager, so I don’t pretend to know everything about what’s going on in your family or in your teen’s life. Think of these tips as a useful jumping-off place for figuring out how to keep your teen safe online.

Talk to Teens about General Internet Safety

Here are some general Internet safety tips that apply no matter what kind of website you’re using:

• Don’t share any personal identifying info (address, phone number, credit card info, and so on) with anyone you don’t know.
• Create different passwords for all the sites you use. Passwords should also be difficult to guess and contain a mix of numbers, upper- and lowercase letters, and symbols.
• Don’t share your passwords with anyone, even boyfriends/girlfriends or best friends. (This is one that teenagers tend to struggle with.)
• Click only those links you trust; be wary of scammy-sounding advertisements. They are usually scams.

Beware of Strangers

On Facebook, in general, people are who they say they are and tend to have only one account that links to their real email address and contains only real information about them. Unfortunately, like the real world, Facebook isn’t completely free of malicious people who lie to take advantage of someone else.

The good news is that it’s easy to keep your experience free of people like this by accepting only Friend Requests from people you know in real life. Talk to your teen about the importance of sharing information only with people they actually know and telling you when someone they don’t know contacts them.

Teach Teens How to Report Abuse

Virtually every piece of content on Facebook has a Report link. These include photos, videos, messages, Timelines, groups, posts, and events. If you or your child comes across content that is abusive or offensive, report it by clicking any of the Report links located near these pieces of content. Facebook investigates all abuse reports and removes content that violates its Statement of Rights and Responsibilities. You can report Timelines for being fake or posts for being harassing.

The only caveat is that some stuff that may be offensive to you or your teen may not be considered offensive by Facebook’s staff. For example, you can’t report a photo for being unflattering — you can only ask that the person who posted it take it down.

Teach Teens How to Block People

Certain kinds of behaviors can eventually lead to someone being kicked off Facebook, but you (and your teen) might not want to wait around until the offender is out for good. If someone is bothering your teen (or you) and won’t leave your teen (or you) alone, don’t hesitate to block the person from the Privacy Shortcuts menu. Blocking someone almost has the effect of making it seem like that person isn’t on Facebook. Neither of you will be able to see each other in searches, to message each other, or to look at each other’s Timeline.

Personally, I block strangers early and often. I receive my share of junk mail, and anytime a stranger sends me a weird link or comments on my looks, I both report and block the person. It just gives me peace of mind to do so. To block someone, follow these steps:

1. Click the question mark in the circle icon in the big blue bar on top and choose Privacy Shortcuts from the drop-down menu.

2. In the Privacy Shortcuts menu, click the How Do I Stop Someone from Bothering Me section.

   This expands an interface for adding people to your blocklist.

3. Type a name or email address in the Add Name or Email text box.

4. Click Block.

   The person is then added to your blocklist. Repeat Steps 3 and 4 as needed to block more people.

Learn to Use Privacy Settings

This book contains an entire chapter on privacy. You can rest easier if you go through your teen’s Privacy settings with her and agree on settings that allow her to share more safely. In general, sharing only with friends or, better yet, creating a list of close friends can quickly ensure that fewer people are seeing your child’s information and that, at all times, you both have a complete list of who those people are. If you have a question about anything, refer to Chapter 6 for help.

Talk about Posts and Consequences

Even with good Privacy settings, teenagers often struggle with the idea that once something is shared, it’s hard to undo. This is extremely true of things like Facebook photos or posts. Encourage your teens to think about how something might be seen and interpreted by people who aren’t their closest friends. Would they want a college admissions officer to see that photo? Would they want their boss to read that post? Both situations have happened with real consequences. The college admissions officer might decide you aren’t really “Hah-vahrd” material, or the boss may fire you for complaining on Facebook about her way of speaking. The things that happen on Facebook don’t always stay on Facebook; they have a way of spreading. Remind your teen to think before he posts.

Remember the Golden Rule

As much as many parents worry about their kids being the victims of cyber-bullying, you must also consider that kids can be the perpetrators of cyber-bullying. Talk to your kids about the behaviors that might affect others, whether known or unknown. This includes things like creating hateful Facebook groups targeting a teacher or peer, as well as going into a forum somewhere else on the Internet and posting something inflammatory or offensive under the protection of anonymity (although, on the Internet, anonymity doesn’t usually last).

The Golden Rule applies to your child just as much in adolescence as when she was in kindergarten: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Would you want someone saying something bad about you online? How would you feel if you posted something personal, and people made fun of you? Part of being part of Facebook (and other online communities) is being a good citizen. That makes Facebook Nation a safe place for all.

Respect Teens’ Boundaries

After you get them set up on Facebook and talk about all the general ideas for Internet and Facebook safety, you need to give them some space. As one of my teenage cousins said to me, “They should be my friend, and that’s it.”

Some kids are comfortable interacting with their parents; others think it is the most embarrassing thing in the world. Hey, that’s okay. When you were a teen, did you like it when your parents came along with you and your friends when you went out? Did you like it when they listened in on your phone calls or read your diary? That’s what it can feel like to some teenagers when they’re asked to be friends with their parents: like you’re invading their space.

You can talk to them about some of the things you see on Facebook (both the good and the bad; trust me, there are both!), but commenting on their stuff and posting on their Timeline are likely to get you unfriended. As long as you let them know they can come tell you whenever they’re having some sort of problem (and that they always tell you when they’re contacted by a stranger), it’s important to let them know that you trust them to make smart choices.

Don’t Send Friend Requests to Teens’ Friends

If their friends friend you, it’s probably okay to accept those requests (though you may want to check with your teen first; see the previous section, “Respect Teens’ Boundaries”). However, it’s generally considered weird and pushy for you to reach out to their friends.

Make Space for Your Own Social Life, and Your Family Life, on Facebook

If you joined Facebook just to understand what's going on in your teen’s life, that’s great. But now, having read this book, I hope you can see that there’s a lot Facebook can offer you and your friends, with or without your children present. Share photos. Coordinate events with your friends. Post statuses about what’s going on with you. It doesn’t always have to be about them.

One way to keep your social life separate from your teen’s social life, but still have a little interaction on Facebook, is to create a group for your family. You can add lots of different family members, and everyone can share the sort of stuff family members like to know: holiday newsletter–type stuff. It creates a space where it’s okay for you and your son or daughter to interact on Facebook. Hopefully, it’s a way to bring you both a little closer.

One parent I spoke to mentioned that he likes to send his teen messages on Facebook letting her know he loves her. It’s just another way for them to connect where his daughter is comfortable, and it has strengthened their relationship.