CHAPTER 7

Get to a Resolution and Make a Plan

When addressing the conflict directly, the final step is to broker a resolution between you and your counterpart. Start by understanding what a resolution looks like. Then with that goal in mind, take steps to narrow down the options and make the final call.

What a Resolution Looks Like

The details of each specific resolution will vary depending on the type of conflict you were having. With task conflict, the resolution is likely to be an agreement about what it is you want to accomplish—the stated objective for the project you’re coleading or an agenda for the next managers’ meeting. It will be something concrete that you can write down. The same goes for a process conflict. Ideally you’ll be able to document the process you’ll use going forward—how to reach consensus before approving new projects or the sequencing for rolling out the IT initiative. With status conflict, the resolution may be reaching an understanding about who will lead a project or whose team is ultimately responsible for the success of the product launch.

Resolutions in a relationship conflict can be the most difficult to broker and recognize, especially because there are usually bruised feelings that take a while to heal. Often you might agree to each do something differently in the future—he will not raise his voice when he disagrees with you, and you will not run to your boss until you’ve talked with your counterpart first.

But no matter what type of conflict you were engaged in—relationship, task, process, or status—a resolution needs to meet the same three criteria.

It satisfies as many interests as possible

During your conversation, you spent a lot of time and energy explaining your perspective and goals. You also learned about your counterpart’s underlying interests. Perhaps she wanted to be sure that her team was well represented at an important presentation so that they had an opportunity to show off their work, while you wanted the presentation to go quickly and smoothly so that there was plenty of time at the end for questions. It’s possible—and preferable—that an agreement meets each of those interests reasonably well. “The essence of a resolution is that you get to what the underlying interests are and try to satisfy as many of them as possible,” says Jonathan Hughes.

It’s fair and reasonable

“We all want a resolution that feels fair and reasonable to everyone involved—and is defensible to others on the outside looking in,” says Hughes. You should be able to answer yes to the following questions: “Do I think this is a reasonable solution?” “Does my counterpart?” “Can I defend it to my boss or anyone else who cares about the outcome?” We also want to feel as though we came to the agreement by ourselves and weren’t pressured into conceding or giving in. So both the final arrangement and the process you used to reach it need to be fair.

The relationship is intact

If you reach a resolution that meets the business needs and is fair and reasonable, but you end up hating each other, then it’s hard to call that a success. You want to be able to say that you maintained your relationship, or that you even improved it. “The icing on the cake is if you can honestly say to each other that you learned something about each other in the process,” says Hughes, “and thus that the next disagreement or conflict will be that much easier to resolve together.”

How You Reach a Resolution

Arriving at a resolution that meets those three criteria requires additional conversation, and it’s up to you and your counterpart to come up with options. Be creative and collaborative as you do that. Then evaluate the options you generated and make the final call together.

Be creative

Keep in mind your goal, and that of your counterpart, and when all the data is on the table, offer different options that ideally meet both of your needs. Are there ways to satisfy both of your interests and build on that to discover new benefits neither one of you envisioned on your own? Consider a salary increase. You may be fighting for a 10% raise, while your boss thinks you deserve 7%. Instead of just duking it out over the exact percentage, find a way to include something in the raise that’s valuable to both of you. Perhaps you can take on a new project for your region that allows you to travel and get exposure to more senior leaders. Taking a creative approach to the conflict, instead of focusing on and nitpicking over a number, increases what you can both get out of it.

Don’t get locked into your answer and his answer. Proposing several alternatives helps the other person see a way out, and it also signals humility, that you don’t believe there’s just one way to resolve this dispute: your way. Don’t offer what you originally came to the table with, but use the information you gathered during your conversation to come up with a better solution. There are always additional ways of solving a problem. “When you’re creative about how to meet your interests, you can begin to imagine a third way that might meet your needs well and work for both of you,” says Hughes.

Be collaborative

Brainstorm possibilities together. If you propose a potential solution, ask for your counterpart’s input. Ask, “What other ideas might you have?” and let him build on your ideas or offer others. When you suggest a potential resolution, don’t just say, “Do you like it?” but invite criticism. Weiss suggests you ask “What would be wrong with this solution?” That better helps you understand his viewpoint and encourages him to also be creative.

Consider what you can offer

If you’ve proposed a solution that potentially puts the other person in a difficult spot or takes something away from her, ask yourself: Is there something I can give back? says Holly Weeks. If, for instance, you’re telling your boss that you can’t take on a particular assignment, propose a viable alternative, such as someone else who can fill the role equally well. “Be constructive,” says Jean-François Manzoni. Or if you’re laying off someone you’ve worked with for a long time, “you could say, ‘I have written what I think is a strong recommendation for you; would you like to see it?’”

Decide how to evaluate the possibilities

With several options on the table, begin evaluating them. Agree on the criteria you’ll use to select the best option. Perhaps you’ll ask a disinterested third party to weigh in on your resolution and see if it looks fair. Or maybe you’ll agree on certain requirements that the resolution must meet, such as mitigating the risk of a lawsuit or being cost-effective. “It’s often easier to agree on the criteria than the solution,” says Hughes. These can be hard to establish in a relationship conflict, however. In those situations, fairness is usually the standard against which to evaluate possibilities.

This may all sound rational and reasonable, and maybe collaborating on a resolution will be exactly that. But just as emotions were a key element of the conflict up to this point, they’re likely to be present in this part of the conversation as well. Continue to remain calm, acknowledge and label your feelings, and allow for venting when necessary. All the tips you learned for having a productive conversation in the previous chapter will continue to be useful here.

Make the final call

Often with task, process, and status conflict, there is a tangible decision to make. Are we going to finish this project in six months or one year? Can we fund this project and at the same time put a small amount of money toward another one that we’ll plan to fully fund next year? Using the criteria you’ve laid out and the options you’ve developed, you and your counterpart must agree on which path to pursue and under which arrangements. Other times there is no decision to make, especially with relationship conflict. In those cases, “sometimes just talking it through will resolve it,” says Hughes. Once you understand your counterpart’s perspective, you may not feel so bad about the way he spoke to you in that meeting. And once he sees that you misinterpreted his reaction, he may be more forgiving of the fact that you left the room before the meeting was over. “No one’s at fault,” says Hughes. “No one’s the bad guy. And accepting that can take the sting out of the fight.”

Document the agreement

This doesn’t have to be formal, such as a contract. Capture your discussion in an email and send it with a quick note that asks, “Did I get this right?” Confirming what you’ve agreed to ensures you’re on the same page and gives you both something to refer to should any similar issues arise again. You want to do this as soon after your conversation as possible—definitely within a day or two. Leaving it any longer risks that you’ll misremember what you both agreed to.

When to Accept That There Won’t Be a Resolution

There are some situations in which, try as you might, you won’t reach a resolution. You’ve engaged in a constructive discussion and come up with alternatives for resolving the particular conflict you’re having, but you can’t make the final call on which option to go with. It may be that your counterpart insists on one solution and you’re unwilling to go with that one. Perhaps you have your heart set on a particular option, but it doesn’t meet your counterpart’s interests. Be realistic with yourself about what’s possible so that you don’t bang your head against the wall trying to force a solution when there isn’t one.

If you can’t reach a resolution, there are three things you can do:

• Take a break. Sometimes, if you step away from the conversation, let the emotions cool down a little, and return to it later, you might see a different option neither of you thought of before or an existing possibility may look more appealing to one or both of you. This is an especially good tactic if you feel bullied into accepting an outcome. “When someone threatens us, we tend to make irrational decisions, so we need time to figure out whether this is, in fact, something we are willing to accept, or whether it’s worse than no agreement,” says Judith White. “This will give you the time to consider the offer and save you from one of three mistakes: accepting something you should have rejected; rejecting something you should have accepted, or blowing up at the other person and thereby blowing up any hope of a mutually agreeable solution.”
• Appeal to someone more senior. You can escalate the situation to a person in a higher position. You might say to your boss or your counterpart’s boss, “We’re in this fix and we need your help to make the decision.” You might ask that person to “decide for the two of you, to intervene and offer another solution, or to change one of the constraints, such as giving you more resources or extending a deadline,” explains Hughes.
• Get your needs met another way. In lieu of settling your conflict, what can you do instead? If you and a supplier disagree on the terms of your contract renewal, can you find another supplier? Or stay with this supplier, but escalate the conflict to his boss? Or you could hold out for a few months and see if the deal gets better with time. If you’re in a dispute about how much of a raise you’ll get, and it doesn’t look as if HR is going to give you what you asked for, can you look for a different job or go freelance?

Learn from Your Experience

Once you’ve reached a successful conclusion, it’s worthwhile to reflect and consider what went well and what didn’t, says Manzoni. “Why did you have certain reactions, and what might you have said differently?” Weeks also recommends observing how others successfully cope with these situations and emulating their tactics. The goal is to constantly improve your approach to conflict by integrating new tactics and strategies. Talk with your boss, a mentor, or a trusted colleague about what you’ve learned and ask them to remind you and hold you accountable so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes.

It’s also a good time to talk with your counterpart about what you’ll do if you enter into a conflict again. What do each of you want to do differently? How can you make sure that future disagreements don’t turn ugly? Document these ideas (again an email is fine) so that you can both refer back to them if you need to.

Once the content of the disagreement has been solved, think about what other reparations you might need to make. Even if your dispute was purely task related or process related, be mindful that your relationship may have suffered. Restoring trust and accepting the situation are critical parts of moving on.