Introduction: A Practical Plan for Dealing with Conflict

Let’s face it: There’s no such thing as a conflict-free office. We fight at work. We disagree about how to implement a new IT system. We battle over which strategy to pursue. We engage in turf wars about who gets to lead the website redesign project. And sometimes, we just act like passive-aggressive jerks toward one another.

And as uncomfortable and draining as conflict can be, conflict in and of itself isn’t really the problem. It’s how we handle it that matters.

Consider these two fictional stories:

Celia and her colleague, Sara, disagreed about how to word an important provision in a client contract. As the legal expert, Celia felt Sara’s suggestion was too vague and perhaps even intentionally deceptive to the customer—implying better payment terms than their company was willing to allow. When Celia pointed out how the language might be misinterpreted, Sara stood her ground. Celia knew that this was an important customer for the company, and the CEO was eagerly awaiting news that the deal was closed, so she let it go. But she worried for several weeks whether she should’ve pushed harder. She lost sleep over it, avoided Sara at the office, and dreaded the date when the customer would receive its first invoice. And rightly so—when that time came, the customer was extremely unhappy and Celia ended up with Sara in the CEO’s office having an all-out fight over whose fault it was. The two colleagues didn’t speak for weeks afterward, and it took months for Celia’s manager to regain trust that she could handle important contracts.

Now, let’s take a look at what happened with a manager named Antonio.

Antonio had always had a positive relationship with his boss, Rebecca, but lately he noticed that she was frequently talking over him. As soon as Antonio started to say something, Rebecca would interrupt, often dismissing his view and presenting an opposing one. Antonio was annoyed. He wanted to pull Rebecca aside and tell her to quit it. But before doing that, he spent some time trying to understand what was going on and seeing things from Rebecca’s perspective. He knew that she wasn’t afraid of conflict and that she might not see her behavior as rudely as he did. He also remembered a conversation in which Rebecca revealed that she was under pressure from the company’s senior team to demonstrate that she had fresh ideas. With these things in mind, he asked Rebecca out for coffee, explained that he wanted to maintain their relationship but that he was hurt by her behavior. At first, Rebecca was defensive, claiming that it was all in Antonio’s head, but when he gave a few examples, she conceded that she’d been stressed and was perhaps taking it out on him. He offered to support her in meetings, even brainstorming ideas with her beforehand, and she vowed to watch the interruptions. They continued to work together for five more years and relied on each other for candid feedback and advice.

You might be tempted to think that Celia was in a tougher situation than Antonio—she was dealing with a stubborn peer and an important client situation. She had the CEO breathing down her neck, too. But Celia’s conflict wasn’t any worse or more intense than Antonio’s. He was dealing with his boss—the most influential person in his work life—and stood to lose a lot if things went south. Antonio simply handled the situation better. He took time to think through what was really happening, to see the conflict from Rebecca’s perspective, and to prepare for his discussion with her.

Celia, of course, is not alone. When we perceive the risks of engaging in conflict to be greater than the potential upsides, many of us prefer to stifle our feelings and move on rather than speak up. And understandably so, as there are negative consequences to mishandling disagreements.

The Downsides of Conflict

Linda Hill’s story in the preface and Celia’s story here illustrate that when handled poorly—or avoided altogether—conflict can derail projects, damage client relationships, or lose company business. Initiatives slow to a standstill, while warring factions sort out their differences or teams risk not meeting their goals at all. “Energy and creativity get siphoned off,” explains Annie McKee, an expert in emotional intelligence, and rather than focusing on accomplishing their objectives, team members are absorbed by their differences. And people in organizations, says McKee, “often have a very long memory when it comes to fighting at work. It doesn’t matter what the underlying cause was or who was right or wrong. All people remember is that it was a mess, and that you were involved.”

Avoiding conflict (as Celia chose to do) can just make things worse. In fact, unspoken disagreements can have consequences that are as significant as a conference room shouting match. Jeanne Brett, a negotiations professor, warns, “Conflict that’s not expressed can be worse than conflict that is.” Sometimes we’re upset with people and they have no idea we’re struggling with them. This negativity can bleed into your interactions. Or worse, your feelings simmer underneath the surface until your coworker does something that makes you explode, blindsiding your unsuspecting colleague.

Conflict also takes an emotional toll. “When you’re consumed with a fight, it’s hard to draw the boundary and it often spills over into your life,” says McKee. We shred our nails worrying about what to say to a colleague with whom we’re fighting, or we waste hours agonizing over whether we could have better articulated our perspective on a contentious issue. Over time, persistent conflict causes health problems. A Duke University Medical Center study showed that an intensely angry episode can lead to an eightfold increase in risk of heart attack, and anger has been linked to strokes, irregular heartbeat, sleep problems, excess eating, and insulin resistance, which can help cause diabetes.

The Benefits of Conflict

Luckily, however, when handled well, conflict can have positive outcomes: It can help you be more creative, spark new ideas, and even strengthen bonds with your coworkers, as it did between Antonio and Rebecca. You might dream of living in a peaceful utopia, but it wouldn’t be good for your company, your work, or you. “Conflict allows the team to come to terms with difficult situations, to synthesize diverse perspectives, and to make sure solutions are well thought out. Conflict is uncomfortable, but it is the source of true innovation and also a critical process in identifying and mitigating risks,” says Liane Davey, an expert in team dynamics.

Here are some of the specific benefits:

• Better work outcomes: When you and your coworkers push one another to continuously ask if there’s a better approach, that creative friction is likely to lead to new solutions. And there’s rarely a fixed amount of value to be gained in a disagreement. If you and your colleague are arguing about the best way to roll out a new initiative—he wants to launch in a single market first and you want to enter several at one time—you’ll be forced to explore the pros and cons of each approach and ideally find the best solutions. It may be that you decide to run the pilot he wants but on a shorter time frame so that you get the revenue from reaching the other markets sooner.
• Opportunity to learn and grow: As uncomfortable as it may feel when someone challenges your ideas, it’s an opportunity to learn. You gain experience from incorporating feedback, try new things, and evolve as a manager. When a peer chews you out after an important presentation because you didn’t give her team credit for their work, the words may sting, but you’re more likely to think through everyone’s perspectives before preparing your next talk.
• Improved relationships: By working through conflict together, you’ll feel closer to the people around you and gain a better understanding of what matters to them and how they prefer to work. You’ll also set an important precedent: that it’s possible to have “good” fights and then move on. Two regional managers who engage in a lengthy debate about who should be responsible for maintaining quality in their region have, at the end of the day, learned information about each other that will help them work better together in the future. And they’ve shown their teams that it’s possible to move beyond conflict, to not get entrenched in a viewpoint but to make progress toward a resolution.
• Job satisfaction: When you’re not afraid to constructively disagree, or even fight, about issues at work, you’re likely to be happier to go to the office, be satisfied with what you accomplish, and enjoy interactions with your colleagues. Instead of feeling as if you have to walk on eggshells, you can focus on getting your work done. A study in China showed a correlation between the use of certain approaches to conflict management—ones in which employees pursue a win-win situation, care for others, and focus on common interests—and an employee’s happiness at work.

For conflict to have any of these benefits, you have to learn the skills to proactively address problems and engage in healthy discussions. Fortunately, you have ample opportunity to try. The average person spends nearly three hours each week dealing with conflict at work, according to a study by CPP Global. Another study by CPP showed that managers report spending 18% to 26% of their time dealing with conflicts. Since we spend so much time engaged in disagreements, it’s worth our effort to get them right—to temper our reactions and manage the conflict so that it’s more productive.

How do you do that? This book will help you break through the scary, emotional stuff and take a practical, ordered approach to dealing with conflict.

A Plan for Handling Conflict

I’ll briefly outline here a better approach for handling conflict so that you get a sense of the whole process before delving into the individual steps and specific scenarios in later chapters.

You start by understanding conflict better. Before we engage in an unhealthy way, it helps to know what’s at the root of the disagreement. First, you need to know the various sources of conflict (see chapter 1, “Types of Conflict”). There are four main types: relationship (a personal disagreement), task (disagreement over what the goal is), process (disagreement over the means or process for achieving a goal), and status (disagreement over your standing in a group). These categories will help you figure out what’s actually happening when you get into a conflict—even when your fight doesn’t neatly fit into one bucket.

The second piece of information you need is to understand your options (see chapter 2, “Your Options for Handling Conflict”). In general, there are four from which to choose when confronting a conflict. The first, which is more common than you might think, is to do nothing. You don’t say anything to your colleague, you let the comment go, or you simply walk away and go on as if the conflict hasn’t happened. The second option is to address the conflict, but indirectly. Instead of talking through what’s going on with your coworker, you might involve your boss or a third party, or hint at the conflict without ever candidly naming it. This option is more common in cultures such as East Asia, where saving face is important. The third option is to address the conflict directly. This is where the rest of the book focuses—on preparing for and having a direct conversation with your counterpart. The final option—and typically your last resort—is to exit the relationship.

The third and final aspect to having a more productive conflict is to know what people’s natural tendencies are when it comes to conflict. There are generally two types of people: those who gravitate toward conflict and those who want to take cover under their desks whenever tensions rise. Avoiders tend to shy away or even hide from disagreements. Seekers are more eager to engage in conflict when it arises (or even find ways to create it). In chapter 3 (“Recognize Your Natural Tendency”), you’ll get to know which style you gravitate toward (and tips for sussing out your counterpart’s tendency) so that you can make a conscious choice about how to address a disagreement.

Table I-1 gives you an overview of this foundational work.

Once you’ve completed this groundwork, it’s time to put your knowledge into practice. When faced with a specific situation—your colleague raises his voice, you’re battling with your finance counterpart over next year’s budget, your boss is acting like a jerk—start by quickly taking stock of what you know about your counterpart (is she a seeker like you, or are you both avoiders?) and the type of conflict you’re having (see chapter 4, “Assess the Situation”). This will give you a better picture of what you’re up against.

You’ll also need to sort out what your goal is: Do you want to move your stalled project forward? Preserve the relationship? Just move on? That will help you make a smart choice about which of your four options to exercise. If you choose to do nothing or exit the relationship, this is where your journey ends. You can skip to chapter 8 (“Repair the Relationship”) and focus on how to rebuild trust and move on. If you prefer to address the conflict indirectly, you’ll choose one of the tactics laid out in chapter 4. If you decide to address the conflict directly, then you’ll start to prepare for the conversation (see chapter 5, “Get Ready for the Conversation”). This involves the following eight steps:

1. Check your mindset.
2. See the situation from your counterpart’s perspective.
3. Consider the larger organizational context.
4. Plan your message.
5. Prepare for multiple scenarios.
6. Pick the right time.
7. Choose the right place.
8. Vent.

Then you’re ready to sit down with your colleague and talk through what’s happening (see chapter 6, “Have a Productive Conversation”). You’ll start by framing the conversation so that you get off on the right foot. You want to form a bond with your counterpart by focusing on where you agree. Then you’ll do three things simultaneously: Manage your and your counterpart’s emotions, listen to your colleague’s perspective, and make your viewpoint heard. These are all toward the goal of trying to find a solution to the underlying conflict.

Ideally in that conversation, or in subsequent ones, you’ll find a resolution that meets both of your needs (see chapter 7, “Get to a Resolution and Make a Plan”). And if you aren’t able to reach a conclusion, you’ll at least agree on how to move forward.

No matter what sort of end your conflict comes to, you’ll need to figure out how to repair the relationship and move on (see chapter 8). Conflict can bring up lots of negative emotions—anger, frustration, annoyance, resentment—and it’s important to clear the air and lay the groundwork for a strong relationship going forward.

Conflict can feel less scary and more manageable when you approach it methodically. You’ll need to be flexible and adapt as the situation takes unexpected turns, but this book will help you develop the basic skills and strategies you need. There are many examples throughout (real stories disguised and combined) to show you how others have tackled similar challenges. Of course, nothing ever goes exactly as planned, so the final chapter addresses specific scenarios, such as what to do when you’re dealing with a bully or how to navigate a disagreement with a vendor (see chapter 9, “Navigate Common Situations”). When you learn to manage conflict, it has fewer downsides and more benefits, and it boosts your overall productivity. “If you’re going to be a truly effective manager, you’re going to have to deal with conflict. Otherwise you’re going to end up fighting with everyone or simply giving them what they want,” says John Ratey, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. By following the process in this guide, you can reap the benefits of conflict while mitigating its risks. You will also become more confident in proactively addressing disagreements and engaging in difficult discussions.