CHAPTER 5

Get Ready for the Conversation

Once you’ve resolved to directly address the conflict, it’s tempting to have the conversation immediately. But taking time to prepare will help you remain calm and increase the chances that you and your counterpart will come away with a better solution than either of you could have predicted.

Below are several guidelines to help you prepare for a productive discussion.

Check Your Mindset

If you’re getting yourself ready for a conversation that you’ve labeled “difficult,” you’re more likely to feel nervous, stressed, angry, or upset. To minimize those negative emotions, try to think about it as a non-charged conversation, suggests Jean-François Manzoni. For example, instead of giving negative feedback, you’re having a constructive conversation about development. Or you’re not saying “no” to your boss; you’re offering up an alternative solution.

“A difficult conversation tends to go best when you think about it as just a normal conversation,” says Holly Weeks, a communications expert. This isn’t sugarcoating. Be honest with yourself about how hard the conversation might be, but also put as constructive a frame on it as possible. You might tell yourself: We may have to talk about difficult things, but we’ll work through them together because Carol and I have always respected each other.

And focus on what you stand to gain from the conversation. “Assume you have something to learn; assume there is a more creative solution than you’ve thought of,” says Jeff Weiss, author of the HBR Guide to Negotiating. By entering the discussion with an open mind, regardless of your coworker’s stance, you’re more likely to find common ground.

Take Your Counterpart’s Perspective

Try to get a sense of what your colleague might be thinking. Ideally you already did some thinking about this when you analyzed the conflict, but go a little deeper. She had a rationale for the way she’s behaved so far (even if you don’t agree with it). What might that reason be? “Try to imagine your way into their shoes as best you can. You can learn a lot by doing that simple mental exercise,” says Jonathan Hughes. Think about what’s going on for them. Ask yourself: What would I do if I were her, or if I were in R&D instead of marketing? What if I were someone reporting to me? What if I were my boss? Also ask yourself: What is she trying to achieve in the conflict? You’ll need a sense of what her goal is if you want to resolve it. Identify places where you see eye to eye on the issues. This common ground will give you a foundation to joint problem-solve.

Ask a colleague what he thinks is going on in your counterpart’s mind. Make sure it’s someone you trust, says Hughes. You might say something like, “I’d love some advice and coaching. I haven’t worked much with Akiko before, but I know you have. Can you help me understand how she might be seeing this situation?” Don’t use the conversation to vent and seek validation. “Paint the situation for him as neutrally as you can,” says Karen Dillon, author of the HBR Guide to Office Politics. “Cataloging every fault and misstep will probably get you sympathy but not constructive feedback, so focus on the problem.”

It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to gather all the information you want about your colleague and her interests before you sit down together. Weiss says, “Craft a set of questions to ask in the room to uncover critical information and test any hypotheses you made.” This will help you, once you’re face-to-face, to show that you care enough about her perspective to think it through beforehand and to discover more about how she views the situation.

In addition to thinking about your counterpart’s take on the situation, remember the work you did in the previous chapter to consider his natural tendency for handling conflict and his communication style.

Consider the Larger Organizational Context

While the conflict may revolve around you and your counter part, the reality is that you’re both part of a broader context—that of your organization or your industry. Consider how the larger playing field you’re operating in might be affecting the conflict.

First, determine the culture of your organization or team. Do people in your unit generally try to avoid conflict? Or is it acceptable to have heated debates? Are you at odds with an external vendor and feeling less invested in working things out because you have several other partners who are courting your business? How might the larger culture be shaping the current conflict you’re having? Is it making it worse than it needs to be?

Hughes points out that quite a few years ago Microsoft had a reputation for having an aggressive culture. “During your first few presentations their people would just tear into you. The culture was one that valued conflict. ‘We’re going to use rigorous, fiery debate to separate good from bad ideas,’” he says. In a company like this, which places a premium on being direct, you’d need to be prepared for a lively debate and know not to take criticism personally. On the other hand, there are companies where consensus is the norm. “In these places, you’re going to take a slower, more iterative approach to conflict,” says Hughes.

Second, reflect on the current circumstances surrounding your organization. Are there potential layoffs looming? Have budgets been cut? Is your industry on a downward trend? Your conflict may be intensified when tensions are high in the company, or it might take on a more severe or vicious tone. The answers to these questions may not change the approach you choose, but you should consider them as you get ready for the discussion. Also find out who else in the organization can help you both reach a resolution. Are there colleagues who need to be involved in the discussions? Should you consult your boss or HR?

Plan Your Message

Think about what you’ll say when you get in the room before you get in the room, incorporating your goal and your colleague’s perspective, interests, and style. What do you want your counterpart to take away from the conversation? “You’ll have a better chance of being heard if you define your message and decide how you’ll convey it,” says Dillon. Plan how you’ll approach the conversation—literally what you will and won’t say. “View it as a presentation,” suggests Dillon. “What information does your counterpart need to hear? Identify the key points you’d like to make, highlighting mutual benefits when possible.” When you frame the conversation as trying to achieve a shared goal—such as meeting a deadline, coming in under budget, or having a positive work relationship—the conversation will go better.

But don’t script the entire conversation. That’s a waste of time. “It’s very unlikely that it will go according to your plan,” says Weeks. Your counterpart doesn’t know “his lines,” so when he “goes off script, you have no forward motion” and the exchange “becomes weirdly artificial.” Your strategy for the conversation should be “flexible” and contain “a repertoire of possible responses,” says Weeks. Jot down notes and key points before your conversation. Even with thoughtful planning, it’s not uncommon for there to be misalignment between what you mean when you say something (your intention) and what the other person hears (your impact). “It doesn’t matter if your intent is honorable if your impact is not,” says Linda Hill, a leadership professor at Harvard Business School. Most people are very aware of what they meant to say but are less tuned in to what the other person heard or how they interpreted it. So choose your words wisely, and try to anticipate and address anything that might be misinterpreted (see chapter 6, “Have a Productive Conversation,” for more discussion tips).

Prepare for Multiple Scenarios

Since you can’t know how the conversation is going to go, you may want to play out a few scenarios, suggests Amy Jen Su. Find a trusted colleague with whom you can do a few role-plays. What if your counterpart gets upset and cries? What if she gets angry? Try responding using different approaches and test out phrases you might use for various possibilities. And ask your role-play partner to give you feedback.

Pick the Right Time

Knowing exactly when to have the conversation can be challenging. On the one hand, it might be easiest to get it over with quickly, when all the details are fresh in your mind. On the other hand, as discussed in the previous chapter, it’s often a good idea for everyone to cool down before trying to get into problem-solving mode. Here are some tips on picking the right time:

• Consider your tendency. Check yourself before you decide to delay or get into the conversation. If you’re a seeker, you’re likely to want to get going and have the conversation. But if your counterpart is an avoider, he may need more time. And if you’re an avoider, you may want to put the conversation off, but watch that you’re not using that tactic as an “out” so that you don’t have to face the issue at all.
• Take into account any outside deadlines. Sometimes you don’t have the luxury of several days or weeks to work out your disagreement. If the budget you’re fighting over is due to the executive committee by the end of the month and it’s the 28th, you need to have the conversation sooner rather than later.
• Check the emotions. As discussed in the previous chapter, it’s better to have the conversation when you and your counterpart can be levelheaded. Ask yourself: Am I too emotional right now? If so, you may say the wrong thing, embarrass yourself or your colleague, or create awkward scenes for others. In those instances, take a walk around the building, or change your surroundings by working in a small conference room or heading home to work in peace.

“Occasionally, you need to let it go and come back to it another time when you can both have the conversation,” says Hill. It’s OK to walk away and return to the discussion later. But if you decide to put off the conversation, make a plan for when you will have it so that you don’t keep delaying it.

When you’re ready, set up a meeting. Look for a time when you’ll both be in a good frame of mind. “Not first thing on Monday when you’re both coming in to a full inbox. Not last thing on Friday when you’re eager for the weekend to begin,” says Dillon. Be sure to schedule enough time so that you’ll be able to reach a conclusion, or at least end in a constructive place where you can agree to meet again. In fact, you may want to have an initial meeting to hear each other out and then schedule a follow-up time when you can dig in to how to solve the disagreement after you’ve both had time to reflect on what the other person said.

Choose the Right Place

The venue will have an effect on whether you both feel able to speak freely, express any emotions, and ultimately reach a resolution, so select a location where you’ll both be comfortable. “Right after lunch in a neutral conference room? Over coffee at the local greasy spoon?” suggests Dillon. You might take a walk outside together for a change of scenery. Avoid choosing a place that gives you or your counter part an advantage. Inviting someone into your office puts you in a power position, for example, because it’s your space and you’re the one sitting behind a desk. And when choosing a conference room, think about who’s in adjacent rooms. Sometimes walls are thinner than you think.

Ideally you want the conversation to happen face-to-face in private. “Don’t try to solve differences using email, which does not do a good job of conveying tone or nuance,” says Dillon. If the issue starts on email, send a gentle request such as “Could we continue this discussion in person?” or just call the person.

If you have a conflict with one person during a meeting, don’t attempt to work it out in front of the group, even if others in the room have a stake in the outcome. It’s better to take the conversation off-line and then report back to the group. For example, if you and a colleague start to debate the specific marketing language that will accompany the rollout of a new product and the conversation gets heated, you might say, “Tom and I seem to have the strongest viewpoints on this. Would it be OK with you, Tom, if we paused here and continued the discussion after the meeting? Then we can come back to the group with our recommendation.” This will give you and Tom time to cool down, make sure you don’t embarrass yourselves in front of everyone, and allow you to have a more candid and fruitful discussion later.

Vent

Before you get into the room, find a trusted colleague or a spouse or friend who can listen to you complain. Say everything you feel about the situation—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Don’t hold back. Susan David, a psychologist and coauthor of the Harvard Business Review article “Emotional Agility,” says that “suppressing your emotions—deciding not to say something when you’re upset—can lead to bad results.” She explains that if you don’t express your emotions, they’re likely to show up elsewhere.

Psychologists call this emotional leakage. “Have you ever yelled at your spouse or child after a frustrating day at work—a frustration that had nothing to do with him or her? When you bottle up your feelings, you’re likely to express your emotions in unintended ways instead, either sarcastically or in a completely different context. Suppressing your emotions is associated with poor memory, difficulties in relationships, and physiological costs (such as cardiovascular health problems),” David explains. Prevent your emotions from seeping out—in the conversation or at home—by getting your feelings out ahead of time. You’ll be more centered and calm when you’re having the discussion.

Table 5-1 summarizes the guidelines. Use this checklist to prepare mentally, strategically, and logistically for your discussion.

When You Have No Time to Prepare

Sometimes there’s no time to do this advance work. A decision needs to be made immediately, or your colleague catches you off guard, or your boss storms into your office. Jeanne Brett suggests you try to put off the conversation if at all feasible. You might say, “I see that this is a problem, and I’d like to take some time to think about ways to resolve it. I promise I’ll come by your office tomorrow to discuss it.” It’s important to not be dismissive and to acknowledge your colleague’s feelings—“I can see you’re really upset about this”—and then ask whether you can set a time to talk when you’re both calmer. If your counterpart insists that you have the discussion right then, you might have to go ahead. “The best you can do in these situations is to remain calm and stop yourself from getting into a negative emotional spiral,” says Brett. (See chapter 6 for more on how to maintain your composure and manage your emotions.)

You may be wondering, Do I really need to do all of this for one 10-minute conversation? The answer is yes. While it takes time (though it will get easier the more you do it), there is a huge payoff. You’ll go into the conversation with the right mindset, feeling confident, knowing what you want to achieve. This foundation is the key to a productive discussion.