CHAPTER 9

Navigate Common Situations

For every conflict you encounter, you’ll tweak your approach depending on the circumstances. But there are some specific situations that commonly occur.

This chapter will walk you through the following challenges:

• You’re fighting from afar
• Your counterpart is passive-aggressive
• Your colleague goes over your head
• You’re caught in the middle of two warring colleagues
• You’re mad at your boss
• You’re dealing with a bully
• Your counterpart is suffering from a mental illness
• You manage two people who hate each other
• Your team turns on you
• You’re fighting with someone outside the office

Knowing a bit more about why these situations happen can help you to better tackle them.

You’re Fighting from Afar

The situation

You’re coleading an important project with your London-based colleague, and his emails have turned snarky. You were initially debating when the project should launch, but now he’s sending you emails with just a “?” in them if you don’t respond within the hour. Since you’re based in Hong Kong, that means you’d have to be up at midnight to receive his “urgent” 5 p.m. emails. He seems really mad, but who can tell, since you’re just reading his words on a screen.

Why it happens

“Task-related disputes can more quickly devolve into relationship conflicts when there’s no face-to-face contact, which helps to accelerate empathy,” says Keith Ferrazzi, who studies virtual teams. A study by Syracuse’s Kristin Byron showed that using email generally increases the likelihood of conflict and miscommunication. Cultural differences may also be contributing to the problem if you and your colleague are from different countries.

What to do about it

“The good news is that bad relationship conflicts don’t occur as often because virtual team members are typically focused more on their work and less on interpersonal issues and office politics. Hence, bad blood is less likely to develop between coworkers,” explains Ferrazzi. Still, it can be harder to solve these conflicts when they do arise because you don’t know how the other person is reacting. Is he opting to do nothing and set aside his feelings, or is he actually stewing?

Assess your options

The approaches you might use for navigating conflict take on a different flavor when you work far apart. The do-nothing option can work well when you don’t have to see your colleague every day; you may be able to get over the conflict more easily by not addressing it. Or you can indirectly address it by asking someone at your colleague’s location to talk with her. Also, exiting the relationship can be easier in these situations because you can ask to work with someone else on the team, or you may be able to go around the person and work with her boss.

Move the conversation to a better medium

As discussed in chapter 5, “Get Ready for the Conversation,” arguing through email can be tough, but sometimes that’s your only form of communication. “People often behave with far less restraint in a virtual environment than in the physical world—a phenomenon that psychologists call the ‘online disinhibition effect,’” says Ferrazzi. And it’s just too difficult to interpret what’s really going on. If you’re arguing via email, stop. Pick up the phone and call your colleague, or schedule a time to do a video call.

Get to know how your counterpart works

Understanding your counterpart—his approach to conflict, his goal in the conversation, and so forth—is central to successfully navigating a conflict. But when you work in different offices, you need to take this task a step further. Do you know how the other person works? Are the tools and processes you use compatible? Pamela Hinds, who studies dispersed teams, says that when people share these kinds of details, or at least an understanding of their contextual differences, there is less conflict. “The challenge on global teams is that the contexts are different—that’s unavoidable. But we found that as long as team members understand what is different, they’re less likely to blame one another for incompatibilities,” she says. If possible, visit your colleague’s office, and vice versa, to get a sense of how he works. If you can’t do that, spend extra time explaining your systems and processes, noting similarities and differences.

Increase informal communication

Research by Mark Mortensen of INSEAD and Hinds also showed that casual, unplanned communication dramatically reduces conflict when you’re not in the same location. Take advantage of opportunities for informal interactions. Keep your messaging app open to share personal snippets or jokes throughout the day. Take virtual breaks together, chatting on the phone while you both sip tea. Or you might leave your computer cameras on so that you can see each other throughout the day. “These video links between offices create a shared space and provide more opportunities for these spontaneous—but often very productive—workplace conversations,” says Mortensen.

Diane’s story

Diane started a new job in the US office of an international NGO. After several weeks of building a rapport over email with Brigitte, a German colleague—and believing that they had started a friendship—Diane got an email from Brigitte that said, “People here in Europe are saying that you’re not right for your job.” Diane was hurt and assumed that her colleague didn’t like her. Why else would she say something so mean and in such an abrupt way? But she didn’t want to jump to conclusions, especially since she’d never met Brigitte in person. Diane didn’t know anyone in Brigitte’s office to turn to for advice or insights into Brigitte’s style or personality. She opted to do nothing, ignore the email, and move on, but after a few days, it was still bothering her. She set up a Skype video call with Brigitte.

When the two connected, Diane was surprised to see Brigitte smiling at her. Diane carefully broached the subject of the email. “I told her I was taken aback by it because I thought we had been getting along well,” she says. Brigitte explained that it was precisely because they were establishing a relationship that she’d told Diane about what others were thinking. “She thought she was helping me, giving me information that would be useful as I tried to prove myself in the new role. She did it so directly because that was an appropriate way to communicate in her culture, but I just misinterpreted her intentions,” Diane says. The two women started turning on Skype when they got to the office and would chat throughout the day. It also gave others in the European office a way to get to know Diane better as they’d stop by Brigitte’s desk to wave or say hello to Diane.

Your Counterpart Is Passive-Aggressive

The situation

Your colleague says one thing in a meeting but then does another. She passes you in the hallway without saying hello and talks over you in meetings, but when you ask to speak with her about it, she insists that everything’s fine and the problem is all in your head.

Why it happens

It’s not uncommon for colleagues to make a passive-aggressive remark once in a while over a particularly sensitive issue or when they’re not sure how to directly address an issue. But persistent passive-aggressive behavior that manifests itself in a variety of situations is a different ball game. These individuals can be self-centered at best and narcissistic at worst, says Annie McKee. “These are people who will often do anything to get what they need, including lie.” But it may not be all her fault, either. In many organizations, direct, overt disagreement is not allowed, so “some people have been trained to be passive-aggressive by their cultures,” she explains.

What to do about it

Passive-aggressive people are not necessarily more engaged in conflict than most, but they’re doing it in a way that’s tough to deal with. It’s not as clean as the indirect approach described in chapter 2, “Your Options for Handling Conflict,” because they’re not being honest about their intentions. “Fighting with these people is like shadow boxing,” says McKee. It’s best to do nothing and work around them or to distance yourself (exit), if possible. Also, try the following suggestions.

Accept that your counterpart’s behavior likely has nothing to do with you

It’s not in your head; it’s in hers. Recognize the behavior for what it is, says McKee, but don’t spend too much time psychoanalyzing her. Amy Jen Su and Muriel Maignan Wilkins say, “You need all the energy you can muster as a leader, so don’t waste an ounce of it trying to figure out why she acts this way with you.”

See through the behavior to the source of the conflict

Instead of harping on how much she bothers you, focus on what’s causing the disagreement. Does she think that the way you’re running the project isn’t working (process conflict), but she hasn’t directly said that? Or do you disagree about whether your team’s ultimate goal is to increase revenue or boost brand recognition (task conflict)? As discussed in chapter 1, “Types of Conflict,” knowing what’s underneath the disagreement can help to depersonalize it, and when passive-aggressive behavior makes everything feel like a relationship conflict, understanding and labeling the real source can help you move forward.

Focus on a common goal

You’ve thought about what your goal is and what you suspect hers to be, but her behavior may prevent you from establishing common ground. Instead, focus on the objective you share with others, suggests McKee. If your project is at risk of not getting completed on time, that’s the problem you need to deal with, not her infuriating conduct. Sure, you may be tempted to vent with others who also work with her, but limit those conversations. They aren’t professional or productive. After a few minutes of complaining, redirect the discussion to your work. You might say: “Enough about her. Let’s talk about how we can get this project done.”

Enlist help from others

Amy Jen Su and Muriel Maignan Wilkins suggest you enroll your team in keeping your passive-aggressive colleague accountable. Have others confirm expectations that you agreed on. “For example,” they explain, “if you’re in a meeting discussing next steps, make sure everyone articulates what they heard and verbally communicates what they commit to in specific terms (not just head nodding).” Or you can send a follow-up email documenting who’s going to do what. “Form an esprit de corps with your other colleagues,” suggests McKee. And since your colleague is passive-aggressive with everyone, politely ask others what coping mechanisms or tactics work for them.

Darrell’s story

Darrell’s new coworker, Raquel, was turning out to be a nightmare. Their boss had asked Darrell to show Raquel how to complete several reports that she’d eventually be responsible for, and when he sat down with her, she acted like she already knew how to do them. “It was impossible since the reports were specific to our organization, but when I tried to point that out, she told me to not get so worked up,” he says. “That was the first sign that something was wrong.”

One day, Darrell overheard her telling their boss that she was still waiting for him to train her on the reports. He didn’t want to get defensive in front of his manager, so instead he went to Raquel and tried to appeal to their shared goal. “I told her that we both wanted her to be able to take over the reports,” he says. He again offered to show her, but she told him that she had it under control. Since the direct approach wasn’t working, he decided to go to their boss. “It wasn’t what I wanted. I really hoped I could work it out with her, but she acted like nothing was wrong every time I tried to address it,” he says. Darrell explained his side to the boss. “I didn’t ask him to talk to her because I thought that would make matters worse, but I wanted him to know that what she was saying wasn’t true.”

Darrell was extremely frustrated, but he didn’t see a way out of the situation. He had to work with Raquel, and she wasn’t changing her behavior. So he took the do-nothing option and didn’t address it further, except to calmly explain his side of the story whenever Raquel told their boss a lie about him. “Luckily for me, I wasn’t the only one whom she treated poorly. Two other people in our department noticed the same kind of thing, so we were able to commiserate,” he says. None of them figured out a way to get Raquel to stop lying, but they all learned to laugh at the absurdity of her behavior. “I had a choice to be angry at work every day or to shrug her off.” Happily for Darrell, Raquel stayed at the company for only a year.

Your Colleague Goes over Your Head

The situation

Your coworker comes to you with a new initiative and asks for your help. You agree that his idea is worthwhile but explain that you just don’t have the time or resources to tackle it this quarter. After your conversation, he goes behind your back to share his brilliant idea with your boss. When your manager comes to you to ask why you’re not helping your coworker, you’re embarrassed and infuriated. Not only has your coworker undermined your authority, now your boss is questioning your decisions.

Why it happens

There are both practical and psychological reasons why a colleague might try to sidestep you. Practically speaking, he may want a different answer or outcome than you’ve given him. Psychologically, it’s possible that he wants to show that he has more clout or authority than you do.

What to do about it

You may be tempted to stomp over to the person’s desk and read him the riot act. “You have to be a saint to not be annoyed or stressed or nervous about something like this happening,” says Caroline Webb. But, as with any conflict, even one where you feel you’ve been slighted, it’s better to take a more measured approach. Keep in mind that some people don’t know that going over your head may be frowned upon. In some cultures, it’s not. So don’t make assumptions about the person’s intentions. Instead, try the following approaches.

Question your assumptions

To help you keep your cool, Webb suggests you start by sorting through what you actually know. You may think your coworker went over your head but that’s not necessarily true. Ask yourself what the facts of the situation are and try to strip your explanation of emotional language. Rather than thinking, “He completely disregarded my authority to get a different answer from my boss,” tell yourself, “He had a conversation with my boss about his initiative.” Focus on what you know. And then ask yourself: What would be different ways to explain this situation? One might be that your coworker is just out for himself, but another could be that your boss asked him what exciting projects he was working on next quarter. “Work out three or four different scenarios,” suggests Webb, “that broaden your aperture and help you question the assumption that they’ve been dastardly or ill-intended.”

Find out more

As you think about what you know, also consider what you don’t know. If you just heard about the conversation through the rumor mill, find out what really happened. You might go to your boss and ask in a neutral way about what transpired: “Hey, I heard you and Carlos were talking about his new idea.” Take care to maintain a casual, nonaccusatory tone so that your boss doesn’t think you’re trying to start a feud.

Approach your colleague

If after gathering additional facts, you decide to directly address the issue, start with your coworker. You’ll likely need to have a conversation with your boss, too (more on that later), but that discussion will go better if you can report on how you handled things with your colleague. Ask your coworker if you can talk—preferably in a private room. Keep an open mind as you enter the conversation, says Adam Galinsky. This is true anytime you directly address a conflict, but especially in a situation like this when you likely feel put upon or upset. Remember your goal, whether it’s to have a strong working relationship, to restore trust, or to protect your time. Don’t go into the conversation with the intention of sticking it to your coworker. That’s just going to set you up for a battle. Instead, be open to hearing what he has to say about the situation and why he did what he did.

State what you know and how you feel

Begin by saying what you know and how it made you feel. “Make it a straightforward discussion,” says Galinsky. Let the person know that you’re disappointed by what he did but stay away from words like “angry” or “betrayed.” That may be how you feel, but it’s going to put your coworker on the defensive, advises Webb. Instead say: “I heard you talked to Roger about your initiative after we discussed it and that made me feel a bit concerned that we’re not communicating well.”

Problem-solve, together

Once you’ve shared what you know and heard his perspective, decide together how to remedy the situation. “Try asking them for their thoughts first, before building on their suggestions. Research shows that people feel far more attachment to any idea that they’ve had a hand in shaping,” explains Webb. So instead of saying, “Here’s how we should handle this situation,” ask, “What do you think would be the best way to address this, given where we are now?” Once you’ve agreed on how to rectify the current issue, discuss how you’ll handle similar situations in the future.

Clarify the lines of communication

Ideally, you’ll both agree that your coworker should come directly to you next time and then actually follow through on that. But if he’s not on board with that plan, prevent this situation from recurring by showing him that going over your head won’t be effective. Make clear that you and your boss are in regular contact and if he goes to your manager, you’re going to find out. You might say something along the lines of, “I meet with Roger regularly to discuss our group’s priorities and he usually lets me know if he gets requests from other teams.” You don’t need to say this in a threatening way; think about it as educating him on the lines of communication.

Repair your relationship with your boss

You may be ticked off that your boss didn’t redirect your colleague to you and wonder if he has faith in your judgment. And this breach in the chain of command may have also annoyed your boss or caused him to question your ability to do your job. So once you’ve settled things with your colleague, talk with your boss about what happened, why it happened, and how to avoid similar situations in the future. Start by considering what you want to get out of the conversation. Webb suggests you may “want to come off as wise, thoughtful, and in control.” Your goal here may be to restore your reputation or to reestablish ground rules for communication. Then lay out what you know (for a fact) and how it made you feel: “I heard that Carlos talked to you about his initiative and that made me concerned that I might be out of the loop. Can I ask what happened or how you saw it from your perspective?” Then it’s your job to listen. Once you’ve heard his side of things, you might ask, “What can we do differently when this happens in the future?” You can gently suggest that next time your colleague goes to him, he redirect him to you: “If Carlos comes to you again, would you mind sending him to me so we can address the issue without having to take up your time?”

Gina’s story

Gina was responsible for helping new employees get up to speed on current processes and best practices for initiating sales with customers. She was training Dante, who had been hired to work with their biggest customer. Dante was more senior than Gina. “I could tell that he wasn’t necessarily pleased to be taking direction from me and had a general air about him that told me that he didn’t think I could really teach him anything,” she says. Dante wasn’t happy with the process and timeline that Gina explained the company typically used with customers. He thought it was too strict and wanted to bypass particular parts of the process, such as getting customer signoff before sending initial samples, in order to speed up the sale. So he went to Gina’s manager to get approval to ship the samples.

Luckily, Gina’s manager reiterated the company’s standard process and the reasons behind it. “If he had said yes, it could have completely thrown off our timeline and been a disaster,” Gina says. Then the manager had a conversation with Gina about what had happened with Dante.

Gina decided to talk with Dante directly, but she wanted to be careful. “I knew that if I approached him in a certain way, he could easily become defensive and maybe even combative. I didn’t want to make any snap judgments about why he did what he did.” While she appreciated his desire to move things along more quickly, she also knew that she had insight on why things were done the way they were.

She asked Dante to sit down with her to review the account once more. “I explained the processes thoroughly and stressed how important it was to follow the guidelines—and included the reasoning behind each step,” she says. She casually mentioned that their manager had explained what he had tried to do and thanked him for “trying to think outside of the box and see how we could potentially get samples to the customer even faster.” She was careful not to make it a huge deal and to focus on the process conflict they were having. “I didn’t make it personal,” she says. She ended the conversation on a positive note too, offering to help Dante in any way she could. Gina says this approach worked: The two had a great working relationship after that point, and Dante came to her—not their manager—with questions or concerns.

You’re Caught in the Middle of Two Warring Colleagues

The situation

Two of your coworkers just don’t get along. They exchange mean looks in meetings, and they both come to you to complain about each other. You want to be supportive, but you also don’t want to be seen as taking sides.

Why it happens

We all want to have alliances at work—so when two people are having a conflict, it’s not uncommon for them to drag other people in. They may want validation of their viewpoint or to demonstrate to the other person that they have more allies. Conflict avoiders often tend to get put in the middle because they generally don’t push back when one coworker gossips about another.

What to do about it

When stuck between two adversaries, “people often find themselves in over their head,” says Roderick Kramer, of Stanford Graduate School of Business. “They think they can intervene, make suggestions, feel good about themselves, and move the conflict forward in a constructive way. But that’s not always possible.”

Stay out of it

Whether or not you engage will depend on how enmeshed you already are in the situation. If you feel as if you’re being used as a pawn in their war, draw the line and choose to do nothing. This is particularly tough for conflict avoiders to do, but try saying something such as “I’m sorry that you two aren’t getting along, but I’d really prefer to stay out of it.” If that feels too difficult to do, try to find ways to spend less time with each of them. After you’ve turned down a coffee break several times, they may get the hint. “Remember that you aren’t a psychologist or a mediator,” says Kramer. If the situation is outside your comfort zone or you think the disagreement is juvenile, there’s nothing wrong with staying out of it. But always give one or both of your coworkers a next step to take. Say, “I’m not sure I’m the right person to help you with this, but you might want to sit down together or with HR.”

On the other hand, if you want to lend a sympathetic ear and think you can help them work through it, take the next few steps.

Allow them to vent

It can be hard to listen to people complain about each other, but sometimes that’s exactly what they need. By allowing each of them to process the situation with you, they may figure out on their own what the source of their conflict is and how they can sort it out between them. If you’re worried that by hearing one person out, you’ll upset the other, make an effort to get both sides of the story. Go to the other person and ask, “What’s your take on what’s going on between you and Harry?” This will give you a fuller picture of the conflict without earning you a reputation as a meddler. It will also equip you to help them solve it.

Empathize

While listening to each colleague, show that you understand how hard the situation is. You can say, “I’m sorry this is happening” or “It’s tough when two people can’t agree.” Stay neutral and speak from your own experience. Offer observations such as, “It seemed as if Jane was stressed out and didn’t mean what she said” or “I know that Joe is a direct person and can sometimes come off as harsh.” If you’re being pushed to choose a perspective, make it clear that you won’t: “You seem hurt, but I can’t take sides because I have to work with both of you.”

Offer advice—cautiously

Before you give your two cents, ask your coworkers if they want your help. “We tend to offer unsolicited advice because we think we know better,” says Anna Ranieri, a career counselor and executive coach. But people might not want your opinion, so start by saying something like, “I’ve observed what’s happening between you two. Would it be helpful to hear my take?”

Explain the impact of their fighting

After you’ve demonstrated your concern, describe how the conflict is affecting the team. Say something like, “You two not getting along is distracting. We’ve got a lot on our plates right now with the quarter closing soon, so it’d be better if we were focused on getting the reports done.” Or “I’m concerned that you’re setting a bad example for the younger people on our team. They look up to both of you, and when they see you treating each other this way, they may think it’s OK to do the same to others.”

Problem-solve together

Just as you would focus on the future if this were your own conflict, help them do the same. Instead of offering concrete suggestions, help them find their own solutions. Ask open-ended questions as discussed in chapter 6, “Have a Productive Conversation.” In this situation, those questions might sound more like “How do you hope this will be resolved?” or “What do you want out of your relationship with Greg?” Kramer says, “You should be more in problem-solving mode than gossip mode.”

Gary’s story

Gary was planning a partner meeting to make decisions about compensation. As the senior partner, it was his job to set the ground rules for the sensitive discussion. Each partner presented his or her accomplishments and progress against goals, then the other partners asked questions, typically polite requests for clarification, before deciding on that partner’s bonus for the year. If there was a more serious issue, the partners usually brought it up before the meeting so that it could be addressed outside of this formal setting.

Everyone knew that two partners, Susan and Robert, had been at odds for some time, and each of them came to Gary ahead of time to complain about the other. Susan felt as if Robert wasn’t pulling his weight at the firm and his compensation should reflect that. Robert said that Susan was mistreating her team members, especially junior analysts whom she often had stay late at the office for no reason. He wanted her compensation to be affected as well.

Gary heard them both out. He asked that they sort it out between them in advance of the meeting. When they came back a week later even more upset, he suggested that the three of them sit down together and talk about what could be done. He explained that if the two of them couldn’t figure out how to stop fighting, they would have to postpone the compensation discussion, which would affect when the bonuses would get paid out. “But I didn’t want—and I know they didn’t want—to air all of this in front of the larger group,” Gary says. He then asked if they wanted to know his opinion. They both said yes. He suggested they should recuse themselves in the discussion of each other’s compensation. “That way it was basically a wash for them,” he says.

At first, Susan was game and Robert pushed back. “He wanted to say his piece in front of the group,” Gary says. But Gary explained to him that the goal of getting the discussion done was more important than his beef with Susan. So when the group met, Susan and Robert sat out for the discussion of each other’s performance and compensation. “It was obvious to everyone in the room what was happening and why, but we accepted that because it let us get through the discussion with everyone saving face,” he says. Susan and Robert never got along much better, but because they saw that Gary was unwilling to take sides, they stopped appealing to him.

You’re Mad at Your Boss

The situation

You did all the work on the unit’s big project, but your boss took all the credit. The executive team patted him on the back, and he didn’t say a word about the late nights you pulled. You’re angry, but you want to broach this sensitive issue with your boss productively.

Why it happens

“Your relationship with your boss is a significant predictor of your experience at work,” says Liane Davey. A positive relationship is likely to lead to interesting assignments, meaningful feedback, and recognition for your contributions, so you want things to go well. But because of that desire, you may also hold your boss to a higher, unobtainable standard.

What to do about it

Fighting with your manager, says McKee, “sparks a deep, primal response: fear.” And for good reason. “Bosses hold our lives in their hands—the keys to our futures, not to mention our daily bread.” Given that, you could do nothing and move on—as discussed in chapter 2, this is a good option if you don’t think your boss will change his ways or is unwilling to hear you. But if you’re worried that your anger will only grow, you may want to take the following steps.

Cool down

Remember the advice in chapter 6 about walking away? You don’t want to say anything you don’t mean. First, give yourself some time—wait a day or two. Your anger may fade to the point where you’re willing to let the irksome behavior go. If not, you may decide to address the conflict directly.

Show respect

This may be the last thing you want to do, especially when you feel slighted, but your boss expects—and hopefully deserves—your respect. You can still label your disagreement as a relationship conflict, but before explaining what’s made you so mad, “assure your boss that you respect him and his position,” says Joseph Grenny, author of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. “When that sense of respect is secure, you can venture into expressing your views openly and honestly.” You might say, “I enjoy working for you, and I know I have a lot to learn from you.”

Focus on the business needs, not yours

When you talk to your boss, you can point out how surprised you were by what he did, but you’ll get further with the conversation if you frame it in terms of your goals. What’s best for the business? Where do your goals align? Your boss may be more willing to change his behavior if you explain that not sharing the credit could create a bottleneck because those above him think he’s the only one who can get things done.

Explain your intent

As you would do any time you address conflict directly, tell your boss what your objective is in giving him this feedback. Do you want to show off the work of the team? Are you concerned that you’ll become disengaged if your work isn’t recognized? Grenny says that you can clarify your intent by contrasting what you mean with what you don’t mean. “I’d like to share a concern, but I’m worried that it will sound as if I doubt your character. I don’t. And yet I don’t think I’d be fully loyal if I didn’t share my perspective. May I do so?”

Alina’s story

Alina’s company had an informal policy that it wouldn’t start work with clients (especially new ones) before there was a signed contract in place. Rodrigo, one of the firm’s partners, asked Alina to start working with a new client before he’d gotten the contract finalized. “It was a busy time, and I was stretched incredibly thin, but the project started moving forward pretty quickly,” she says. She worked nights and weekends to keep up only to find out that the client pulled out before the contract was signed. Rodrigo sent an email letting Alina and the rest of the team know. It ended with “Sorry about this!” which irked Alina. “It seemed flippant to me, and it was inadequately matched to the suckiness of the situation,” she explains.

Rodrigo called her to talk through the logistics of how to wrap up the work, but she didn’t feel ready to have the conversation. “I wanted to be prepared, and I was afraid I would talk about how personally annoyed I was when really what bothered me was how much of the firm’s money was wasted,” she explains. She asked Rodrigo if they could talk the following morning instead. She thought about it that night and decided she wouldn’t be able to let it go. Rodrigo might not change, but she really needed to get it off her chest.

She knew that both she and Rodrigo were conflict seekers, so she set up a full hour for them to talk. Then she set the tone for the conversation. “I told him that my pushing back on him was not because I didn’t respect him. I did. He was amazing at client service. But I felt as if it would be a disservice to him if I didn’t point out why ignoring the policy was so bad.” At first, Rodrigo was defensive, arguing about whether or not the contract would’ve made a difference. After she let him vent, he calmed down and vowed to be better about the contracts in the future. He even asked her to keep him accountable, refusing to do work for him if there wasn’t a contract in place.

You’re Dealing with a Bully

The situation

Your colleague consistently undermines you in meetings, withholds information you need to do your work, and speaks badly about you. This isn’t just one jab on a bad day; it’s persistent negative behavior over time. You feel sick to your stomach whenever you see her name in your inbox or hear her voice down the hall.

Why it happens

Research from Nathanael Fast, a professor at the University of Southern California’s Marshall School of Business, proves a commonly held idea: People act out when their ego is threatened. “We often see powerful people behave aggressively toward less powerful people when their competence is questioned,” he says. It’s not just people in positions of authority who act this way. Whoever it is, chances are, she’s singled you out for this bullying because she’s jealous that others like you or that you have skills she doesn’t, says Gary Namie, the founder of the Workplace Bullying Institute. You may also seem like an easy target, particularly if she sees that you shy away from conflict.

What to do about it

Just because you’re a victim doesn’t mean you can’t take action. Try the following.

Understand the situation better

Being bullied can be downright painful. Stepping back and looking at the situation can help give you some insight into the dynamic between the two of you. Are you a conflict avoider while she’s a seeker? Are your disagreements mostly relationship conflicts? Or are there elements of task conflict as well? Using the advice in this book can give you some distance from the pain of the situation and the emotional room to start to address it.

Stand up for yourself

Call out bad behavior when it happens. “I believe very strongly in making immediate corrections,” says Michele Woodward, an executive coach. “If someone calls you honey in a meeting, say right then: ‘I don’t like being called that. Please use my name,’” she says. If you’re uncomfortable with a direct, public response, Woodward advises saying something as soon as you’re able. After the meeting, you could say, “I didn’t like being called honey. It demeans me.” Show that there is no reward for treating you that way. “The message should be: Don’t mess with me; it won’t be worth your effort,” Namie says.

Enlist help

Talk to colleagues you trust and see what they can do, even if it’s simply confirming your perspective. They might stand up for you in a meeting, defending your ideas or asking the bully not to call you honey. Or they might go speak to the bully one-on-one and explain how disruptive her behavior is to the larger group. This can be especially helpful if your supporters have power over the bully or the bully trusts them.

Know the limitations

If your colleagues’ interventions don’t help, escalate the situation to someone more senior or to HR. Your objective is to get the bullying behavior to stop. But that’s not always possible. “The only time I’ve seen bullies change is when they are publicly fired. The sanctions don’t work,” says Woodward. Instead, protect yourself. Perhaps take time off from work. Or move on—when you’re in an abusive situation at work, the most tenable solution may be to leave, if that’s a possibility. The Workplace Bullying Institute has done online surveys that show more people stay in a bullying situation because of pride (40% of respondents) than because of economics (38%). If you’re worried about letting the bully win, Namie says, you’re better off worrying about your own well-being.

Cedric’s story

Cedric took a new position at a veterinary clinic with the intention of buying into the practice, which he did after several months, becoming the business partner of the owner, Ruth. A year later, after what seemed like a minor disagreement, Ruth stopped speaking to Cedric for six weeks. When he confronted her, she told him she was contemplating dropping him as a partner. Cedric was shocked. He had taken out a loan to buy into the firm and felt financially stuck.

Cedric soon recognized a pattern in Ruth’s behavior. She was a clear conflict seeker. Any time the two had a conflict, no matter what the original source of the disagreement (task, process), it immediately turned personal. “If I disagreed, she would ice me out. If I confronted her, she iced me out longer,” he says. He eventually figured out that stroking her ego was more effective. “You could flatter her, tell her how great she was, how well she did in a case, and she’d be back on your side. I learned to do this sort of dance in order to survive.”

But Ruth’s harsh behavior wore Cedric down. Things got so bad at one point that she didn’t speak to him for three months. He enlisted a professional coach, who helped him see that Ruth was a narcissist and a bully who was threatened by his skills. This gave him the confidence to set his limits: He told her he was looking for someone to buy out his part of the business, and she offered to do it. “It was the best thing I could’ve done,” he says. “I wish I had left when she first showed me who she truly was.”

Your Counterpart Is Suffering from a Mental Illness

The situation

You never know what frame of mind you’ll catch your fellow team member in. Sometimes when you ask him why he didn’t respond to an email you sent, he snaps at you and storms off. Other times, when coworkers challenge his ideas, he laughs inappropriately. When he doesn’t show up to meetings or get his share of the team’s work done, you’re afraid to confront him because you have no idea how he’ll react. You wonder whether there’s more going on here than just a quirky personality—perhaps he has a mental illness.

Why it happens

In 2014, the National Institute of Mental Health estimated that 18.1% of adults in the United States had a mental illness, most of whom didn’t have an official diagnosis. With percentages that high, you’re likely to have coworkers with some sort of mental illness—depression, personality disorders, schizophrenia—“especially since many of these issues don’t prevent people from working,” McKee says.

What to do about it

We can’t account for our colleagues’ moods, nor should we. “There are clues, however, that let us know that there may be something more going on than a disagreement,” says McKee. Your interactions or homework to better understand your counterpart may reveal things such as sudden changes in mood or communication style, personality, or personal habits, or social withdrawal—all of which are indications that your coworker may have an underlying mental health issue. Addressing the conflict could be dangerous—to your and your coworker’s wellbeing. Instead, do the following.

Look for patterns

Is his behavior often erratic? Do his regular actions seem outside the norm? Don’t jump to conclusions. “Occasionally people do things that others deem inappropriate, but if it happens on a consistent basis or every time the person feels threatened, it’s an indication that there’s a larger issue,” says McKee.

Don’t diagnose

Although it’s helpful to recognize when something bigger might be affecting your colleague, don’t try to come up with a specific diagnosis. Chances are that you aren’t trained to evaluate emotional or psychological problems. “And we really don’t know if there’s truly something going on,” says Judith White. What you can do instead, suggests White, is educate yourself about the symptoms you may be able to observe in family, friends, and colleagues. “The National Alliance on Mental Illness [https://www.nami.org/] is a good resource for friends and family members who either know or suspect mental illness,” she says. This information can help you distinguish between an isolated incident that may be safe to address and a deeper problem that is better handled by a professional.

Don’t let the problem lie

You might be tempted to steer clear and exercise your do-nothing option because you’re afraid or unsure about what to do. Doing nothing may be the right approach to the conflict but not necessarily to the person. It’s most certainly a sensitive situation, but that doesn’t mean you have to completely ignore it. After all, it may be hard for this person to do his job if he can’t get along with people. “Most job descriptions have requirements for ‘interaction’ or ‘collaboration’ of some kind baked in, and if the person can’t fulfill this aspect of the job, then it’s time to step in,” says White. Indirectly addressing the conflict is often the right approach here. White recommends asking your boss or HR for help with the problem, or reaching out to your company’s employee assistance program, if you have one.

Be compassionate

“Remember that everyone has a story,” says McKee. Don’t judge what’s going on with your colleague. He might be suffering from his behavior as much as or more than you. If you have a close personal relationship and you suspect there is an underlying health issue, gently ask about what might be going on outside of work. But don’t push. If he doesn’t want to talk, don’t force it.

Go by the book

Because of the sensitivity of the situation, this is not a place to wing it. White says to follow any formal rules your company has for resolving the conflict because informal persuasion or negotiation is unlikely to work. “Look up the legal or regulatory rules, and if they don’t exist, then find out past precedent in your organization and write it down,” says White. Then keep records of your interactions. If the conflict escalates, you’ll be able to justify your actions to this person, and to any third parties.

Heather’s story

Heather was concerned about her fellow professor, Jacques. “He had always been jovial, but his behavior changed midway through the year,” Heather explained. “We were coleading an independent study for five students, and he basically stopped showing up,” she says. Every time Heather tried to ask Jacques whether he had read the students’ papers or was planning to come to the next meeting, Jacques would snap and insist he was fine. “I felt bad for him, but I was also annoyed because I was picking up his slack and I was already having a busy semester, and here he is yelling at me,” says Heather. When she realized that the direct approach wasn’t working, Heather thought about doing nothing. She knew that she could cover the class, and she hoped that after the summer break, Jacques might return feeling better. “But that didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to get him in trouble, but there was clearly something wrong. He had become a different person.”

Heather decided to ask for help. She went to their department chair and explained the situation, telling him that some of the students had started to complain. The chair worked with HR to talk with Jacques and convince him to take a leave of absence. Heather found out a year later that Jacques had been suffering from severe depression. “I wasn’t surprised, but it explained a lot. I’m glad I handled it the way I did. I tried to be as compassionate as I could.”

You Manage Two People Who Hate Each Other

The situation

As a manager you probably didn’t expect to play referee, but two of your team members just aren’t getting along. They won’t look at each other, they openly deride each other, and they refuse to cooperate. How you can right such a dysfunctional relationship?

Why it happens

Conflict, as discussed in chapter 5, is often based on the fear of losing something—ego, respect, status. Your team members may be insecure, anxious about their status in the team, or worried about their jobs. Instead of handling their emotions appropriately, they’re taking them out on each other.

What to do about it

You have an obligation to help your team members. You don’t have to hold their hands, but you do need to examine your role in the problem and offer suggestions for moving forward.

Hear them out

Give each person a chance to explain his point of view. First, sit down with each person one-on-one. “Redirect comments that include assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling,” Davey suggests. For example, if he says, “She’s trying to destroy my credibility,” respond by reframing the idea: “We don’t know her motive; I’m interested in how her behavior is being interpreted by you. How do you feel when she disagrees with you in front of the team?”

Determine if you’ve contributed to the problem

Make sure you haven’t set these two up for failure, suggests Davey, by either being unclear about roles or sparking unhealthy competition. Ask: Do they have a clear understanding of what’s expected of them? Are their metrics and rewards designed to promote collaboration rather than rivalry? If either answer is no, sit them down to make expectations clear and rejigger their goals so that they can work better together.

Manage your reaction

You may be fed up with these two. If you can’t be empathetic, you won’t be able to help because your annoyance is likely to further heighten the conflict. “Start with the positive assumption that your direct reports are good people experiencing something stressful,” says Davey. This shift in mindset will help in the same way it does when you’re addressing your own conflict (as discussed in chapter 5). It will also make you calmer: a key component of managing your emotions—and theirs.

Help them see the other side

Ask questions so that they can understand the other person’s perspective. “How do you think she felt when she joined a team of people who are older and more experienced than she is?” “How might you help her get her point across so that she doesn’t need to be so assertive?” If there’s someone on the team they both get along with, ask that person to serve as a bridge and raise each other’s awareness about what the other is thinking.

Bring them together

After they’ve had a chance to vent and see the situation from the other’s perspective, bring them together. Davey suggests you start by saying, “I’ve been speaking with each of you about my concerns over your strained relationship, and I was hoping you felt ready to talk directly to each other.” Interject as little as possible in the conversation, but when you know there is something that’s not being said, provide a gentle nudge: “Heather, we talked about your reaction to Tony’s tone of voice. Do you want to share that with him?”

Work toward a shared agreement

Ask them each to make commitments about what they’ll change. “Heather, what are you planning to do differently going forward? And Tony, how about you?” Then tell them that you’d like to keep them accountable to those promises. Document what they said they would do differently and send it to both of them to confirm agreement.

Focus them on work

Leadership professor Richard Boyatzis says the best way to heal war wounds is to start working again. Give them a relatively easy task to rebuild their confidence as a team. As they restore their relationship, help them follow Bob Sutton’s advice from chapter 8, “Repair the Relationship,” about working together. Put them on projects that require deeper collaboration and give them the opportunity to work through task or process conflicts.

Prevent additional problems

Encourage your team members to handle issues themselves. Research by Grenny shows that top-performing teams immediately and respectfully confront one another when problems arise. “Not only does this drive greater innovation, trust, and productivity, but it also frees the boss from being the playground monitor,” says Grenny. Let new team members know up front that you expect them to hold you and others responsible. Call out positive examples and be a good model yourself. If people still come running to you whenever there’s a fight, refuse to get involved. If you’re not solving it for them, they’ll figure out how to do it on their own.

Marshall’s story

Marshall, the owner of an eco-lodge, employed four managers including Helga, a German expat who ran the front office and oversaw the staff when Marshall was offsite, and Carlos, a Belizean who was in charge of client services. Helga was incredibly organized and meticulous about her work. Carlos’s expertise was client service. “He had an ability to make every guest feel as if he or she is the first one to ever see a snake,” says Marshall.

But Helga and Carlos weren’t getting along. In fact, Helga asked Marshall to fire Carlos because she felt he wasn’t doing his job; he regularly forgot to do tasks and was sloppy with his paperwork. She was frustrated and felt as if she was working twice as hard as he was. Carlos had also previously complained about Helga. He resented her criticism and felt she was too cold to the clients.

As Marshall saw it, they were both failing to understand or appreciate each other’s talents. Marshall encouraged Helga to step back and look at the situation. Carlos was failing to do part of his job description, but he was invaluable to the lodge. Helga conceded that Carlos’s job description should be changed so that he could live up to expectations.

He spoke to both employees, explained why each one was extremely valuable to the team, and asked them to appreciate what the other brought. He asked them to focus on the larger purpose and to put their disputes behind them. With expectations reset, Carlos and Helga found a way to work together by accepting that they had completely different styles but both cared ultimately about the same thing—making the lodge successful.

Your Team Turns on You

The situation

Your team members disengage or stop coming to meetings. They simply don’t do, or even refuse outright, what you ask of them. They begin meeting without you. You start to worry that you have a mutiny on your hands.

Why it happens

Your team may be upset about a decision you made (or didn’t make) or fed up with you continually interrupting them, taking credit for their ideas, or not going to bat for them.

What to do about it

For a leader, this can be a disheartening and terrifying experience, but it’s not irreparable. By being open to what’s happening, listening to your team, and being direct, you can regain the group’s confidence and your effectiveness as a leader.

Find out what’s going on

Is one person driving the negativity, or are the feelings shared across the team? Are people taking issue with your leadership, or is fighting among team members causing them to rebel against you? Ask direct and open questions that get at the source of the conflict. It’s easiest to do this in one-on-one meetings with team members you trust most. But if they tell you that others have an issue with you, ask them to send the others to talk to you directly.

Name what’s happening

Once you’ve identified the source of the conflict, acknowledge it with your team. “It seems as if you all are upset with the way I’ve been gathering and incorporating your input into the new strategy. Is that right? Am I missing anything?” Trying to gloss over a problem can turn it into the elephant in the room. “If you’re pretending that nothing’s wrong and the rest of your team knows there is, it can be really problematic,” says Deborah Ancona, an MIT professor. And while you may want to follow the team’s lead in not directly addressing the situation, when they’re letting the conflict seep out in other ways, doing nothing isn’t a smart option.

Own the issue

No matter the cause of the problem, recognize the things that became destructive under your watch. Publicly acknowledge what you have done to contribute to the problem, and explain what you’re going to do to address it. “Great leaders are able to get up and say, ‘Thanks for the feedback. I realize I haven’t been doing X. These are the steps I’m taking to correct this, and I’d appreciate feedback on how it’s going,’” says Ancona.

Get outside help if necessary

When a team is particularly defiant or upset, you may not be able to resolve the conflict alone. Find a mediator—either an outside coach or an uninvolved person from another part of the organization—to get the issues out in the open and negotiate a resolution. Typically you do this when you’ve exhausted all options, as discussed in chapter 7, “Get to a Resolution and Make a Plan,” but you may need to go this route sooner because there are so many people involved and you may not get the whole story as the boss. Working with a coach can help you understand why your style or approach is not effective with your team.

Katja’s story

Katja was ready to close her marketing company. The business was doing OK, but there were some severe personnel problems: Morale was low, and her employees were angry and resentful. “The soul of my business was black,” she recalls.

When she looked honestly at the situation, she saw that there wasn’t disagreement over task or process or even status. It was pure relationship conflict. Her boyfriend at the time convinced her to work with an executive coach before she truly called it quits. The coach helped her to develop a plan to address the conflict. She started by talking with members of her staff to find out what was going on. But every time she spoke to anyone, they would claim they didn’t have an issue, but someone else did. “Eventually, I started to realize that no one was going to own up to the conflict, so I had to get it out in the open.”

Katja requested that they start communicating directly. There couldn’t be any gossip if they were going to turn things around and improve their relationships. She also acknowledged her role in creating the destructive atmosphere. She herself had gossiped on occasion, and she knew she’d set a bad example. Once her employees started having the difficult conversations needed to resolve their conflicts with her and with one another, they began to feel more united and committed. Soon they realized there was pent-up client demand they hadn’t been able to serve because they were so wrapped up in what was going on inside the business. In the next six years, the company’s revenue tripled.

You’re Fighting with Someone Outside the Office

The situation

Your vendor has missed several deadlines, and you’re getting nervous the IT project isn’t going to get done on time. But your contact there isn’t answering your calls or emails. You’re wondering if it’s time to switch vendors.

Why it happens

When you’re interacting with people in other organizations—a customer, supplier, a partner—you typically know little about them. Without the shared context of an office, colleagues, and other commonalities, it’s easy for you and an external partner to misunderstand each other or misinterpret intentions.

What to do about it

Whether the person is a vendor who has missed several deadlines, a customer who complains about a rise in your product’s price, or a colleague from a partner organization who is accusing you of not holding up your end of an agreement, approach the issue in the same way.

Don’t overcompensate

It’s tempting to treat the situation differently than fighting with someone inside your organization. You might think, “This is a key supplier. I should do whatever it takes to smooth over this disagreement” or “They’re just a vendor. We can find a new one next week.” You may feel less invested in the relationship because there are 10 vendors who want your business. But although you may have lots of alternatives, know what it would mean to pursue them. Sometimes the cost of switching vendors or suppliers is higher than you think. “With external parties, you don’t want to fall on your sword, but you also don’t want to treat them as if they don’t matter,” says Jeff Weiss.

Show respect

With people you don’t see regularly, and perhaps with whom you communicate mostly via email, it’s important to demonstrate that you value the relationship. This isn’t always implicit. It’s a good way to signal that you’re invested in working through the issue. Plus, it establishes a foundation of trust from which you can solve the problem: “I know we don’t see each other often, but I wanted you to know that I value this relationship and appreciate what your company does for ours.”

Jointly diagnose the problem

As with any conflict, you want to understand what the root cause is, but because you work in different organizations, you may know less about your counterpart, his perspective, and his goals. Sit down to jointly diagnose what led to the conflict. Is there a communication problem? Are you perceiving an issue differently? What about your contribution to the issues? Have you not given the supplier clear instructions? Have you been too hands-off? Have you made it difficult for him to do his job?

Know your counterpart’s stakeholders

You likely have a contact at your supplier, but this isn’t the person who makes all of the decisions that affect you. You’re frustrated that he’s not getting back to you about pricing or delivery terms, but it may be that he’s trying to get his boss or finance on board with the new terms. “You are at the interface of the conflict,” says Jonathan Hughes. When you do the work to better understand your counterpart and your goals, don’t just focus on your point of contact. Also consider anyone who may have a stake in the decision. And when you propose a resolution, figure out how you can help your contact sell it internally at his organization so that it fits into their goals. You can ask, “How can I help you get approval for this arrangement?”

Consider the precedent

Because you may have fewer interactions with this person than you do with coworkers, it’s important to examine the tone you’re setting as it’s likely to influence any discussions that come next. “Think about the history you want to have behind you,” advises Weiss. If you mistreat your counterpart, you’re sending the message that he can do the same the next time an issue comes up between your two organizations—whereas if you are thoughtful and respectful, and take his (and his company’s) perspective into consideration, you’re paving the way for smoother interactions in the future.

Zach’s story

As the project manager at a building company, Zach works with dozens of subcontractors at a time—plumbers, painters, carpenters, electricians. “I approach these relationships with one question in mind: ‘How can we partner to get this project done for a client?’” he says. But he acknowledges that it’s difficult to settle disputes because the subcontractors can walk away from the job. “They don’t have the relationship with the client; I do,” he says.

A plumber with whom he was working on a big redesign project was getting upset about the payment terms. “It’s standard in the industry to pay subcontractors within 30 days, but we’re not always able to do that,” Zach says. The plumber had put a lot of time and material into the project, and he hadn’t received any payment. “The trouble was that the client wasn’t paying us, so we couldn’t pay out our subs.” The plumber threatened to walk off the job.

Although Zach knew he could find another subcontractor if necessary, he valued his relationship with this plumber and said so. He told him, “Look, you’ve always been a great partner, and as you know, we typically pay net 30, but we’re stuck in a bind this time. Can you see it from my perspective? I’d love to pay you, but I just don’t have the money.” Zach then offered to let him know as soon as the client check came in. “I promised I’d send him his check the very same day,” he says. “I don’t think he was happy with the outcome because he still had to wait for his money, but he understood the position I was in.”

Knowing how to manage conflict at work won’t make it go away, but it will make dealing with any disagreements easier and less stressful. Whether you’re experiencing conflict with your direct report or your boss—or someone outside your business—you now have the tools to assess the situation and choose an approach that works for you. As these scenarios show, directly addressing the conflict is just one alternative. You also need to know when to walk away or get out of the relationship altogether. But if you do choose to sit down with your counterpart, you’re now better equipped to prepare for and engage in a difficult conversation, manage your and your counterpart’s emotions, and develop a resolution together.