CHAPTER 3

Recognize Your Natural Tendency

There are generally two types of people: those who avoid conflict and those who seek it. Neither style is better or worse, so instead of beating yourself up for being resistant to conflict or being drawn to it, accept that you have a default approach, says Amy Jen Su, an executive coach. Knowing which style is your (and eventually your counterpart’s) natural tendency allows you to make smart choices about how to address the conflict and, if you decide to confront it, have a constructive conversation.

Of course, it’s rare for a person to avoid conflict or seek it out all of the time. It’s more likely that you adjust your style based on the context (are you at home or at work?); whom you’re having the conflict with (your boss or your direct report?); and other things going on (is the organization under extensive scrutiny from investors; are you feeling particularly stressed-out, or did you just return from a rejuvenating vacation?). You might be willing to tell your sister that she’s out of line, but you’d probably tone down a similar comment when you’re directing it at a colleague. “This may be because we’re more mindful with some audiences than others. With a customer you’re trying to sell to, you might be more avoidant [of conflict]. With a peer you’ve worked with for years, you might be a seeker,” says Jen Su.

Still, knowing which style you gravitate toward will help you make a conscious choice about how to address a disagreement. If you’re an avoider, for example, your instinct may be to do nothing. But knowing that’s your natural tendency can help you overcome your resistance to addressing issues. See table 3-1 for an overview of the characteristics of each. The following sections offer more detail to help you identify your most common approach.

Conflict Avoiders

Conflict avoiders are generally people who value harmony in the workplace. When they sense a disagreement brewing, they will often try to placate the other person or change the topic. These aren’t passive behaviors, but active things they do to prevent conflict from becoming an issue. They believe having positive relationships with their colleagues is extremely important and are often seen as easy to get along with. Liane Davey describes these people this way: “They worry that disagreeing might hurt someone’s feelings or disrupt harmonious team dynamics. They fret that their perspective isn’t as valid as someone else’s, so they hold back.”

This strategy is meant to make things easier, but it can take a toll. Conflict avoiders try to be nice and often avoid contentious topics. But “[these people] end up spending an inordinate amount of time talking to themselves or others—complaining, feeling frustrated, ruminating on something that already happened, or anticipating something that might happen,” says Jen Su. This avoidance can have physical manifestations as well. Some of Jen Su’s more conflict-avoidant clients have experienced headaches, back pain, and weight gain.

If you’re a conflict avoider, here are some examples of how you might think:

“My colleague interrupted me again. We’re supposed to be leading this effort together, and this is his way of showing he’s the boss. He just makes me look bad in front of the team. I’ve been replaying it in my mind over and over again.”

“Someone has to tell my direct report that her bad attitude is affecting the rest of the team, but I’m dreading it. I’ve been thinking about it all day and haven’t been able to get anything done.”

“I know what they’re going to say—that we can’t have more resources due to budget constraints. This gives me such a knot in my stomach. I’ll probably just give up on asking for this investment.”

“If I can just keep a smile on my face at the meeting, people will understand that I don’t want to talk about the bugs that came up last week.”

Conflict Seekers

Conversely, conflict seekers will seize on brewing disputes and amplify them, often strongly advocating for their perspective. They don’t have patience when they think people aren’t being direct or honest, and they’re willing to ruffle a few feathers. The tendency to dive into conflict may feed upon itself because of a neurochemical process, as Judith E. Glaser, a communications expert, explains: “When you argue and win, your brain floods with different hormones—adrenaline and dopamine—which make you feel good, dominant, even invincible. It’s a feeling any of us would want to replicate. So the next time we’re in a tense situation, we fight again.”

This attraction to conflict also takes a toll, but often on others. “Seekers are extremely good at fighting for their point of view (which may or may not be right), yet they are completely unaware of the dampening effect their behavior has on the people around them. If one person is getting high off his dominance, others are being drummed into submission,” says Glaser.

Although it may not negatively affect them in the moment, their effectiveness as leaders and colleagues suffers. Though they “win” the argument, conflict seekers may earn the reputation of being difficult to work with, quick to snap, or even mean. People may avoid working with them or even describe them as bullies.

If you’re a conflict seeker, here are some examples of how you might think:

“I can tell that many of them don’t agree that we need to go with this vendor. But I know this is the right choice, even if they don’t realize it yet.”

“Why can’t we get into this right now? Everyone should just lay out what they think the new strategy should be, and then we’ll choose the best option. Why are we being so nice?”

“I couldn’t believe my direct report had the nerve to question the deadline I laid out for the team. I was sure to shut her down and copied the others so that they all know in the future not to cross that line.”

“Sal’s recommendation on this hiring issue is just plain stupid. I owed it to him to tell him when he tried to get me on board with the new policy.”

Identify Yourself

After reading the descriptions above, you may immediately recognize yourself as an avoider or a seeker. If it’s not clear to you, taking the time to get to know yourself better is worthwhile. If a conflict erupts with your boss, you’re not going to run home to take a personality test or soul search about your personal relationship to conflict. You won’t have time for that. Knowing your preferred approach before you get into a heated debate can help you be better prepared for a discussion when the time comes.

To better understand what your natural tendency is, look at the many factors that contribute to your default approach:

• Past experience: “Our relationship to conflict is anchored in a history of habit,” says Jen Su. If you were shamed or criticized during a conflict early in your career, you might choose safety and harmony over speaking up, she says. Or perhaps your first mentor enjoyed sparring with coworkers, demonstrating that there was nothing to fear. Maybe you’re from a large family, who thrived on lively dinner table debates, so you frequently adopt the role of devil’s advocate to spark heated team discussions.
• Cultural norms: Brett makes it clear: “You confront based on the norm in your culture.” As discussed in the previous chapter, in East Asian cultures, for example, it’s common to use an indirect approach. Others are typically more direct, such as Latin American cultures. This doesn’t mean that every Chinese manager is a conflict avoider or that every Mexican manager is a conflict seeker; it’s just another factor.
• Office context: Every workplace has its own set of norms, and some teams have their own separate set of rules as well. In some offices, it’s frowned upon to disagree openly; you’re expected to resolve disagreements in private meetings or through email. In other offices, it’s common to have a more open airing of conflict.
• Gender norms: There’s a stereotype that most women are conflict avoiders and most men are conflict seekers, which stems from the view that women are more nurturing and care more about what others think, say Amy Jen Su and her coauthor Muriel Maignan Wilkins in their book, Own the Room: Discover Your Signature Voice to Master Your Leadership Presence. But in practice this isn’t necessarily true. Some women may opt to take less direct approaches to conflict because they know they will be penalized for being assertive. In fact, researchers at Harvard Business School and Babson College have shown that when women negotiate, people (both men and women) are less likely to want to work with them. So some women may lean toward being avoiders not because it’s their natural tendency but because they know the social costs of being a conflict seeker are higher for them.

If you’re still not sure which camp you fall into, here are several tips for unearthing your preference.

Develop healthy self-awareness

Ask yourself some of the following questions about your current and previous relationship with conflict.

• Were you always more of a fighter? Or did you tend to accommodate others?
• Look back over particular moments of conflict early in your life or career—were you rewarded or punished for your approach?
• When you think about conflict now, do you get a pit in your stomach and feel like fleeing?
• Or does your heart race and you feel the urge to jump in?
• The last time tensions got high with someone at work or at home, how did you react?
• When you were growing up, how was conflict handled in your family?
• Do you come from a culture where conflict is handled more directly or one where it’s frowned upon?
• What is the norm in your organization? In your unit? On your team? Do you adopt the typical approach or play against type?

Look for patterns in your answers. Perhaps you had always been a seeker until you were criticized as being “too aggressive” in an early performance review. Or maybe you notice that you tend to avoid conflict unless the issue is something you really care about, such as your team. You may be able to understand your tendency just by answering these questions. But it’s also helpful to get more input.

Ask for feedback

It’s tough to see ourselves for who we really are, so ask others to reality check your observations. Get feedback from trusted colleagues, a caring mentor, or even your spouse. Inquire specifically about conflict situations: “Do you see me as someone who backs away from disagreement? Or do I enjoy digging into an argument?” Jen Su warns that conflict seekers need to say explicitly that they want genuine and honest input. “More-aggressive people tend not to get the tough feedback they need because their colleagues are often afraid of them and don’t want to trigger them.” It’s important, therefore, to ask someone who you know will be candid with you, perhaps someone who has little to lose in telling you the truth.

Take an assessment

Many of the psychometric tests that people use in the workplace, such as Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), help you better understand how you handle conflict. However, there’s one tool that’s focused specifically on understanding your conflict style: the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI). The tool categorizes you as having one of five conflict-handling styles—avoiding, accommodating, compromising, collaborating, or competing—based on your answers to several questions. It’s not time intensive (it usually takes about 15 minutes to complete), but there is a fee.

Reflecting on your approach is only half the battle; you also need to get a sense of how your counterpart prefers to approach disagreements before you can have a productive conflict.