Index
accountability, 90
active listening, 85–88
addressing conflict, options for, xxiv, xxv, 15–29, 52–58
advice
giving, 139
African cultures, conflict management in, 20. See also cultural norms and conflict
anger
health problems caused by, xx–xxi (see also health problems related to conflict)
toward boss, 141–145
See also emotions
Asian cultures, indirect conflict handling in, 19–20, 36. See also cultural norms and conflict
assertive cultures, 23. See also cultural norms and conflict
assessment
of counterpart, 43–47
of situation, 43–60
avoidance of conflict, xx, 17, 21
avoiders, conflict, xxv, 32–34, 48
back pain, 33. See also health problems related to conflict
benefits of conflict, xxi–xxiii
blame
admitting, 90
assigning, 76
body
focusing on your, 82
boss
anger toward, 141–145
colleague goes over your head to, 130–136
escalating conflict to, 108
repairing relationship with, 134
respect for, 142–143
brainstorming, resolution, 105. See also conflict resolution
breaks
from difficult conversations, 83, 108
from work, 112
breathing, deep, 82. See also calmness
bullies, dealing with, 145–148
calmness, 81–83, 95. See also emotions
causes of conflict, roots of, xxiii–xxiv, 3, 12–13
collaboration, and resolutions, 105. See also conflict resolution
colleagues
bullying by, 145–148
caught in middle of warring, 136–141
going over your head by, 130–136
who hate each other, 152–157
See also counterpart
commonalities, focusing on, 117. See also conflict resolution
common ground
focusing on, 76–77 (see also conversations)
identifying, 49–50 (see also assessment of situation)
common situations, navigating. See conflict situations
communication
clarifying lines of, 133–134
during conversations, 89–95, 96
email, 122–126
informal, 124–125
conflict avoiders, xxv, 32–34, 48
conflict management
adapting approach to, 59–60
direct option for, xxiv, 22–25, 53
do-nothing option for, xxiv, 15–19, 53
exit option for, xxiv, 25–28, 53, 57–58
indirect option for, xxiv, 19–22, 53
involving third parties in, 20, 95–97
lead by counterpart, 28–29
plan for, xxiii–xxviii
situation assessment, 43–60
win-win approach to, xxiii
conflict resolution, 101–110
accepting lack of, 107–109
characteristics of, 101–103
documenting agreement, 107
evaluating possibilities, 105–106
fairness and reasonableness of, 103
reaching, 103–107
satisfying interests in, 102–103
conflict seekers, xxv, 32, 34–35, 48
conflict situations, 121–164
anger toward boss, 141–145
caught in middle of warring colleagues, 136–141
colleague goes over your head, 130–136
counterpart with mental illness, 148–152
dealing with bullies, 145–148
fighting from afar, 122–126
managing people who hate each other, 152–157
passive-aggressive counterparts, 126–130
with someone outside of office, 160–164
team turns on you, 157–160
conflict types, xxiv, xxv, 3–13, 47, 49–50, 77–78
context and conflict, organizational, 64–65
contrary opinions, expressing, 91–92. See also communication
conversations
asking questions during, 86–88
being heard during, 89–95
email, 122–126
lack of time to prepare for, 70, 72
listening during, 85–88
managing emotions during, 80–85
multiple scenarios for, 66, 71
planning message for, 65–66, 71
pre-conversation checklist, 71–72
setting ground rules for, 79
structuring, 50
taking break from, 83
counterpart
common ground with, 49–50, 76–77
conversations with (see conversations)
empathy for, 117–118
input from others on, 45
listening to, 85–88
with mental illness, 148–152
passive-aggressive, 126–130
perspective of, 88
providing feedback to, 118–119
repairing relationship with, 111–120
stakeholders of, 162
taking perspective of, 62–63, 71
understanding your, 43–47, 124
venting by, 83–85
coworkers. See colleagues; counterpart
creativity, to reach resolution, 104. See also conflict resolution
cultural bridges, 45
cultural differences, 122–123
cultural norms and conflict, 19–20, 36, 45, 46, 64, 75–76
deadlines, 67. See also timing, of conversations
decision making and resolutions, 106. See also conflict resolution
deep breathing, 82. See also calmness
defensiveness, 76. See also conversations, productive
diabetes, xxi. See also health problems related to conflict
difficult conversations. See conversations
direct confrontation, xxiv, 22–25, 53. See also options for addres sing conflict
disagreements, unspoken, xx. See also conflict avoiders
discussions. See conversations
doing nothing, as option for addressing conflict, xxiv, 15–19, 53. See also options for addressing conflict
downsides of conflict, xix–xxi
email, 69, 122–126. See also communication; location, for conversations
emotional leakage, 70. See also emotions
emotional reactions, 49, 54, 55, 58
emotional toll, of conflict, xx–xxi. See also health problems related to conflict
emotions
acknowledging, 83
checking, before conversations, 67–68
during conflict resolution, 106
labeling, 83
management of, 80–85
negative, xxvii
suppressing, 70
venting, 83–85
empathy, 117–118, 138. See also relationships, repairing
escalating conflict, to boss, 108
exiting, as option for addressing conflict, 25–28, 53, 57–58. See also options for addressing conflict
experiences with conflict, past, 36
external partners, conflicts with, 160–164
face saving, 19, 21. See also options for addressing conflict
feedback
asking for, on conflict style, 39
providing, 118–119
fighting-from-afar situation, 122–126
fight-or-flight response, 54, 81. See also emotions
finger-pointing, 90. See also conversations, productive
future, focusing on, 79–80, 112–113
gender norms, 37. See also natural tendencies, for handling conflict
goals
determining your, 51–52
returning to original, 95
ground rules for difficult conversations, 79. See also conversations, productive
growth opportunities, xxii. See also benefits of conflict
headaches, 33. See also health problems related to conflict
health problems related to conflict, xx–xxi, 33. See also emotional toll, of conflict
heart attacks, xx. See also health problems related to conflict
hypotheticals, 92. See also conversations, productive
indirect confrontation, xxiv, 19–22, 53. See also options for addressing conflict
informal communication, 124–125. See also communication
innovation, xxi. See also benefits of conflict
interpersonal conflicts. See relationship conflicts
job satisfaction, xxii–xxiii. See also benefits of conflict
language
Latin American cultures, 36. See also cultural norms and conflict
learning opportunity, conflict as, xxii, 109–110. See also benefits of conflict
listening, active, 85–88
location, for conversations, 68–69, 72
mantras, 82. See also calmness
mediators, 97. See also conversations, productive
men, conflict styles and, 37
mental illness, and conflict, 148–152
messages
nonverbal, 92–93
metaphors, 19–20. See also indirect confrontation
multiple scenarios, preparing for, 66, 71
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), 39. See also natural tendencies, for handling conflict
name-calling, 90. See also conversations, productive
National Alliance on Mental Illness, 150. See also mental illness, and conflict
natural tendencies, for handling conflict, xxiv–xxv, 31–40, 47, 48
assessing your counterpart’s, 43–47
being mindful of, 54
conflict avoiders, xxv, 32–34, 48
conflict seekers, xxv, 34–35, 48
identifying your, 35–40
interactions between different styles, 47, 48
timing of conversations and, 67
negative emotions, xxvii, 80–85. See also emotions
nonverbal communication, 92–93, 94. See also communication
open mind, 62. See also mindset
options for addressing conflict, xxiv, xxv, 15–29, 52–58
organizational context, 64–65
organizational culture, 23, 64
outcomes, better work. See benefits of conflict
outside partners, conflicts with, 160–164
passive-aggressive counterparts, 126–130
personal disagreements, xxiv, xxv, 4, 5–7, 50. See also relationship conflicts
personality assessment, 39–40. See also natural tendencies, for handling conflict
perspective
owning your, 89–90
of your counterpart, 62–63, 71, 88
physical reactions, to conflict, 54, 81
power struggles, 95. See also conversations, productive
pre-conversation checklist, 71–72
process conflicts, xxiv, xxv, 4, 9–11, 101–102. See also conflict types
psychometric tests, 39–40. See also natural tendencies, for handling conflict
questions
asking thoughtful, 86–88 (see also conversations, productive)
rebuilding relationships through, 113, 116 (see also relationships, repairing)
rapport building, 113. See also relationships, repairing
rational thinking, 49, 54, 80–81
reciprocity, 116. See also relationships, repairing
relationship conflicts, xxiv, xxv, 4, 5–7, 50, 52, 89–90, 102, 106–107. See also conflict types
relationships
with colleagues, 130–141, 145–148
improvements in, xxii (see also benefits of conflict)
repairing, xxvii, 111–120, 134
remote, fighting with someone from afar, 122–126
resolution. See conflict resolution
role-playing, 47. See also counterpart, understanding your
root causes of conflict, xxiii–xxiv, 3, 12–13
scenarios, common. See conflict situations
seekers, conflict, xxv, 32, 34–35, 48
self-awareness, 38–39. See also natural tendencies, for handling conflict
situation assessment, 43–60
goal setting, 51–52
identifying type of conflict, 47, 49–50
picking option for handling conflict, 52–58
understanding your counterpart, 43–47
situations, common. See conflict situations
status conflicts, xxiv, xxv, 4, 11–12, 102. See also conflict types
stories, 19–20. See also indirect confrontation
stroke, xx. See also health problems related to conflict
suppliers, conflicts with, 160–164
sympathetic nervous system, 81. See also emotions
task conflicts, xxiv, xxv, 4, 7–9, 101. See also conflict types
team members
who hate each other, 152–157
who turn on you, 157–160
tendency for handling conflict, natural, xxiv–xxv, 31–40, 47, 48
third parties
involving in conflict, 20, 95–97, 128–129, 159
rebuilding relationships and, 118
Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), 39–40. See also natural tendencies, for handling conflict
timing, of conversations, 66–68. See also conversations, productive
trust, restoring, 116. See also relationships, repairing
types of, conflict, xxiv, xxv, 3–13, 47, 49–50, 77–78
vendors, conflicts with, 160–164
venting, 69–70, 71, 83–85, 138
venue, for conversations, 68–69, 72
virtual teams, 122–126
walking away, from conflict, 55–58. See also options for addressing conflict
weight gain, 33. See also health problems related to conflict
women, conflict styles and, 37
work, conflict at, xvii–xix, xx, xxiii
work outcomes, better, xxi. See also benefits of conflict