“Note to self: every time you were convinced you couldn’t go on, you did.”

—Unknown

We’re sure you’ve heard about people who have gone through terrible life experiences, yet, somehow, they have essentially turned their lives around for the better. Many people “get through” bad experiences or bad times. But not everyone makes a life-changing decision to change their circumstances significantly towards what we’ll refer to as thriving.

The term resilience often comes to mind in this regard. However, resilience, as defined by the dictionary refers to “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” Resilience is about returning back to where you were before the crisis. What about people who excel above and beyond where they were before the crisis? Some people get through difficult times by becoming more engaged, more challenged, and more in control of their lives. We call it hardiness.

We wanted to conclude this book by providing you with some real examples of how hardiness has played a role in people’s transitions through serious life challenges. In this chapter we focus on how individuals high in hardiness overcame stressful experiences, and used them as a springboard to a better, more fulfilling life. We’ll present some examples of people who experienced life-changing events, yet managed to emerge, not just where they were prior to the event, but in a new place with added meaning to their lives.

From Tragic Loss to Uplifting the Lives of Others

Bonnie Carroll served 30 years in the US Air Force (USAF), retiring from there as a Major. She held the position of Chief of Casualty Operations, Headquarters United States Air Force and worked on the Headquarters USAF National Security and Emergency Preparedness staff in the Pentagon. She has also worked in Washington, DC, holding political appointments in both the Reagan and Bush administrations, including a stint in the White House as Executive Assistant for Cabinet Affairs.

Bonnie was extremely accomplished and successful in her career. She was leading a fulfilling and happy life both at work and with her family. But her world changed tragically on November 12, 1992, when her husband, Brigadier General Tom Carroll, was killed in an Army C-12 plane crash. As most of us know, the death of a family member can be devastating, especially when unexpected. It’s a fear that many military families live with every day.

When Bonnie’s husband died, she sought some kind of emotional support. She assumed that for military families there was someplace you could go, even if only to meet with other families who have already been through such a tragic experience. She went from place to place within the military, the government, and elsewhere. She was shocked to discover the lack of support—either governmental or private.

Bonnie then did what seemed only natural to her. She started an organization to help these families. She founded and is the current president and CEO of the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS). TAPS is the leading national military service organization providing compassionate care, casework assistance, and 24/7/365 emotional support for those impacted by the death of a military loved one. For her pioneering work she was awarded the 2015 Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama.

We interviewed Bonnie to learn more about what it takes to go from one’s own personal tragedy to developing a sense of purpose and helping thousands of other families deal with grief and loss. She helped us by agreeing to take the Hardiness Resilience Gauge and the Emotional Quotient Inventory 2.0. Her hardiness scores can be seen in Figure 15.1.

We certainly weren’t surprised that Bonnie had a high hardiness score. It’s among the highest scores that we’ve seen. Her hardiness-commitment score is especially high. It should be obvious by now that she is driven by a higher purpose. In her words, “I saw creating this organization as the only way to move forward.” She pointed out that it was not her first choice to create an organization, but she reached a point where she felt she had to. This type of purpose or mission in one’s life can be a driving force.

Her challenge score was her next highest. She explained this as part of her need to take action in situations. When something needs to be done, she finds challenge in leading the way. She mentioned that when she went through basic training upon joining the Air Force, it was grueling and difficult. Most of the other recruits complained and didn’t like it. She, however, found it challenging and fun. People high in challenge are able to take difficult situations and see them in a different light. It’s that restructuring of our thoughts and attitudes that helps us get through the difficult situations.

Bonnie’s hardiness-control score was also quite high. As she put it, “Control is a choice. It is moving your energy towards opportunity.” She believes we are hardwired at a young age to behave the way we do. Bonnie’s mother died when she was young, and she had to take on the role of looking after her father. Taking charge seems to be natural for her. Her hardiness mindset has positioned her for a leadership role.

Bonnie’s emotional intelligence score was also extremely high. Her highest score is in flexibility. It may seem counterintuitive for someone who has been so long in the military, with all its rules and regulations, to be high in flexibility. But that’s another reason why Bonnie stands out. Being flexible means you find what leeway there is within the rules, and do your best to adapt and get things done.

Her second highest score is in self-actualization. Self-actualized people have found their niche and are doing what they love to do in life. Similar to hardiness-commitment, it demonstrates a strong sense of purpose. In addition, highly actualized people contribute to helping others grow and to bettering the world. When you speak with Bonnie you know how passionate she is about what she is doing.

One of the things we can learn from Bonnie is to find our purpose. Out of tragedy we can find new meaning in life. When bad things happen in our lives we can choose to sit back and suffer, or move forward with a cause. We may not be able to change the world alone, but if we rally others to our cause we can certainly make a dent. That dent might just make a difference in the world, and improve our own lives along the way.

Transcending One’s Circumstances

One of us (Steven) was giving a presentation at the annual meeting of an international group of networked executive search firms. Following the presentation there was a cocktail party at the offices of the firm hosting the event. It was a beautiful environment. The firm occupied the main floor of a historic old bank with high ceilings right in the heart of downtown Montreal. Following cocktails, we went to dinner at a nearby restaurant.

I was seated near the host, Karen Groom, president of Groom & Associates, one of Canada’s leading recruitment and staffing agencies with offices across the country. I was interested in Karen’s story and how she built such a successful firm, especially as a woman entrepreneur with two of her daughters working at the agency. My impression was that Karen was very personable, attractive, youthful, and gracious as a host. I assumed she must have come from a wealthy family, gone to prestigious schools, and basically used family connections to build her impressive business. So, I decided to engage Karen and learn about her rise to success.

I hate to admit it, as a psychologist, but I don’t think I could have been more wrong about my impressions. Only after some prodding and gentle nudging was Karen willing to divulge her story. It was not a pretty one. She grew up in Verdun, one of the poorest areas of Montreal at the time, as the oldest of seven children. Her family was very poor. Her father occasionally worked as a truck driver, but there was not much money earned. There was also physical abuse in their household. It was not a pleasant situation for her.

Karen was seven years old when she heard the news. She doesn’t really know much about the details to this day, but her father was killed in a gang-related murder. You can imagine how difficult that could be for a seven-year-old girl to process. Her emotions were quite mixed, as the loss of a father is tragic, but the abuse she grew up with would likely end.

I wondered what Karen’s hardiness profile would be like. How could someone recover from such a difficult upbringing? Karen’s hardiness profile is shown in Figure 15.2.

As you can see, Karen has a very high overall hardiness score. She is also very high in hardiness-challenge. She embraces change. She longed to get out of her neighborhood in Verdun ever since she could remember. She also loved school. She enjoyed learning new things and always believed in change.

When asked about the people around her while growing up she said, “The environment was one in which negativity thrived and little emphasis was placed on work or career.” Karen never bought into that mindset. Gratitude was always important for her. When her father was murdered and the story hit the newspapers, people started sending gifts to her family. She was grateful for every opportunity she was given.

Karen also scored very high in hardiness-commitment. She grew up with a strong sense of purpose. Ever since she can remember she was motivated to get out of her neighborhood. Her two main driving forces were to provide for her family and to build a legacy for her children. She wanted them to have the opportunities she never had—Karen never graduated from college. Her drive and commitment enabled both of those dreams to come true.

Karen makes no secret of the fact that her goal has been to be financially secure and live a comfortable lifestyle. For those of us who grew up comfortable, and perhaps take it for granted, it may be hard to understand why this can be so important. If you had to spend time living in a deprived environment for any significant amount of time, then you would really understand what this means.

Growing up in poverty, Karen also longed to have a close and supportive group—family and friends that she could trust. She wanted to be grounded and happy, just lead a normal life. But she also wanted to be self-reliant and able to provide a secure lifestyle. After all, really, who wouldn’t?

Hardiness-control is in the midrange for Karen. Her score is at a level where she believes she determines her own outcomes. When asked, she reported that she always believed she could control her own world. At the same time, she knew about things she couldn’t fix, such as child abuse. This would be a bit of a confusing message, even today.

What about Karen’s emotional intelligence score? Well, no real surprise here either. Karen scores very high in emotional intelligence. Her highest score is in flexibility, similar to Bonnie’s score. Karen had to adapt her life from dire circumstances and be in survival mode from early on in life. From this she learned not to sweat the small stuff. She has no trouble being flexible in situations when needing to move forward.

Her next highest areas were in optimism and independence. She makes it clear that she looks at the positive side in life: “I will always look for the good in situations. I believe there is a solution for every problem.”

As for independence, ever since her father was killed, she took on a leadership role in her family—starting at age seven. She learned at a young age to reach for the stars and to do things her way. She readily admits she was never a follower. She was the high school homecoming queen and considered herself a free spirit, even in high school.

A big part of Karen’s success is likely due to her high intelligence. She loved school and did well in her classes. Her personal circumstances didn’t allow her to complete college. She told us her initial dream was to be a TV journalist, like Barbara Walters. She felt if she worked hard enough, she could get there.

It was this drive that led her to develop her own very successful company in the human resource field. In many ways Karen is a model to women who strive for independence, entrepreneurship, and financial success. And, as I found out, she can accomplish all this and still be a nice person.

From Tragedy to the World Stage

Dr. Izzeldin Abuelaish was already well known where he was raised, in the Gaza strip. It was not an easy place to grow up in, with a long history of conflict. He trained as an obstetrician/gynecologist who specializes in infertility treatment. He lived in Gaza and worked in Israel for much of his life. He’s also a Harvard-trained public health expert. He crossed the line between Israelis and Palestinians for most of his life, as a physician who treats patients on both sides.

Tragedy struck his life on January 16, 2009, during the Israeli-Gaza conflict at that time. While Izzeldin, his eight children, brothers, sisters-in-law, and their families were seemingly safe and protected in their family home, an Israeli tank shell exploded in the girls’ bedroom where his daughters Shatha, Mayar, Bessan, Aya, and his niece Noor were reading or doing homework. Mayar, Bessan, Aya, and Noor were killed in the explosion, and Shatha was severely injured. The loss was devastating for Izzeldin. Who can imagine the pain of losing not just one but three daughters and a niece?

Most people, along with their grief, would no doubt experience a great deal of anger, desire for revenge, and hate. But Dr. Abuelaish is not most people. While the tragic experience changed him, the change was in a totally unexpected direction. He began a crusade, but not a crusade of rage. It was a crusade against hatred and revenge. His story is summarized in a book he wrote, I Shall Not Hate: A Gaza Doctor’s Journey (Abuelaish, 2017). He has appeared in many forums including radio, TV, and newspapers, and has been praised by world leaders for his work on an international scale.

One of the authors (Steven) is working with Dr. Abuelaish on developing a hate scale that would allow us to identify the components of hate and lead to specific interventions. Dr. Abuelaish, a medical doctor, sees hate as contagious, something that needs to be treated just like we treat other contagious diseases. Our research has taken us to measure hate in populations in North America as well as in the Middle East.

I asked Dr. Abuelaish to take our hardiness and emotional intelligence assessments because he is so unique in his life experience and in his response to extremely stressful situations. His profile can be seen in Figure 15.3

Dr. Abuelaish has the highest profile we have ever seen on the Hardiness Resilience Gauge. His highest score is in hardiness-challenge. He approaches many of life’s stresses as challenges to be overcome. He is a creative thinker and seems to always look for solutions, not dwell on problems. No problem seems too large for him. Taking on the challenge of eradicating hate, which to him is like eliminating polio or smallpox, is an achievable goal in his eyes.

Control is something he has always been strong in. Growing up in difficult circumstances in Gaza, he was able to complete his education in medicine and practice in different countries. When he needed more experience for his training, he was not afraid to approach an Israeli hospital and arrange to work there. For Izzeldin, there is always a way to get something done if you really want to. He has many, many friends, both on the Israeli side and in the Palestinian and greater Arab world.

It is easy to see Izzeldin’s high level of commitment to his cause. We have spent significant time together, working on this incredibly complex project, with no outside funding to date. In addition to his commitment to fighting hate, he runs a nonprofit organization in memory of his daughters called Daughters For Life Foundation. Their mission is to create educational opportunities for young women from the Middle East and help them become strong, well-informed women who are able to speak up and change their communities and the face of the world.

As expected, Izzeldin’s emotional intelligence score is extremely high. His highest score was in social responsibility. This is no surprise considering the amount of his time that he spends on causes to make the world a better place. He carries his message to leaders around the world and has transformed his career from a physician treating one person at a time to a catalyst influencing thousands of people.

His next highest scales are assertiveness and self-actualization. His high self-actualization relates to his mission and his desire to make the world a better place. He loves what he does and is fully immersed in his work. His assertiveness enables him to get things done. He is a person of action who does not have a lot of patience for endless chatter. His commitment has helped him navigate through many difficult obstacles. It can be hard to imagine someone starting in such difficult circumstances rising to the level he is today.

Once again, we learn that tragedies in our lives can be very painful, but we must learn to move on. Blaming others is not a productive solution. Hate, blame, and revenge do not make things better. In fact, these emotions have negative physiological consequences. Turning grief into constructive energy not only helps you work through it, but can also provide a way to memorialize the loved one(s) you’ve lost.

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There are lessons here for all of us. The ability to rise above tragedies and move forward, looking for greater solutions, takes a great deal of hardiness across all three facets. While few people ever display this level of hardiness, we can see what can happen and the potential we can reach if we continue to develop this mindset.

New Life in a New Country: Struggles and Achievements

One of the authors (Steven) contributes, with the donation of assessments and evaluation assistance, to an innovative and unique program for homeless women called Up With Women. The program is run by a dynamic, formerly homeless woman named Lia Grimanis, who was featured in Steven’s previous book, The EQ Leader (Stein, 2017).

As part of our involvement with this program we have the opportunity to review test protocols of dozens of homeless women going through this program as part of their individual development (through coaching) and program evaluation. One day, a member of my team noticed an unusual profile from a participant in this group. Her hardiness-resilience score was unusually high compared to other women from this program. The comparison can be seen in Figure 15.4. We decided to explore further, with permission from the group and the individual herself.

The woman’s name is Leni Rose Bereber, and she emigrated to Canada from the Philippines. She had a very difficult childhood, growing up in poverty in her birth country. From her earliest years, she lived in adversity. Her father was an alcoholic, and her mother suffered from severe depression. She got married young and had two children. She earned money to help support her family through various part-time jobs that included giving massages and using the healing powers that she gained from her grandmother.

Leni Rose was poor and desperate and dreamed of getting her family out of the Philippines for a better life. She earned enough money to come to Canada on her own at 28 years of age as part of a program that allowed for the sponsoring of live-in caregivers. After two years working as a caregiver in Canada, she applied to sponsor her husband and two sons to join her. It took five years for the approval to come through. Shortly after her family’s arrival, one of her sons developed cancer. At age 14 he succumbed to his illness and passed away.

The strain in her unhappy marriage became unbearable at this point, and she left her husband after 29 years of marriage. Escaping from her situation when she did left her homeless. Without a home, she lived in shelters for about nine months. Leni Rose’s Hardiness Resilience Gauge profile can be seen in Figure 15.5.

Leni Rose’s hardiness score is very high. When you speak with her, she is amazingly upbeat about her situation. Leni has experienced many traumas throughout her life yet manages to maintain a positive attitude. She embraced the coaching program offered by Up With Women and continues developing herself. She has taken a number of workshops that were offered through the program as well as individual coaching.

Her hardiness-challenge score is also very high. She seems to learn from each of her bad experiences and manages to bounce back from difficult life circumstances. When asked about her coping strategies, she reports that she feels she has control over situations and for support, “I like to read books, watch Oprah. I’ve read Pulling Your Own Strings (Wayne Dyer) and Seven Habits (Stephen Covey).”

Leni’s high hardiness-control and hardiness-challenge levels can be seen in her constant striving to be better, and to control her own life. When it came to emigrating from the Philippines she stressed how she went alone to the Canadian embassy in Manila to make her application. She is a take-charge person who does not sit back and just let things happen.

Her commitment and control scores reflect her purpose to develop and do something meaningful in her life. She wants to help other women who have been through what she has. She’s been working as a coach for other women in the Up With Women program. She found a home and work in a nonprofit organization. She has also taken courses that would qualify her as an immigration consultant and is currently working to set up her own immigration consultation business. We have seen many examples of people with a hardy mindset, even coming from traumatic conditions, rise above their life challenges.

Once again, we can learn from Leni’s experiences. After overcoming one obstacle, we can keep going and learn to overcome the next one. Each win can provide the motivation—or the oxygen— to face the next challenge.

Physical Fitness, Hardiness, and the Stress of a Child’s Life-Threatening Illness

Rosalie Brown has been a fitness instructor for over 30 years. She was voted one of the top personal trainers in Canada by IMPACT, a leading national fitness magazine, and is considered one of Canada’s Top 25 Influential Personal Trainers by CanFitPro, Canada’s leading fitness training program. Rosalie has worked with celebrities and professional athletes including Chuck Norris, Lori Greiner, Paula Abdul, Lennox Lewis, Christie Brinkley, Bobby Hull, and Suzanne Somers. Over one million fitness DVDs featuring her have been sold. Her YouTube workout channel has logged over 10 million views. Rosalie is bubbly, passionate, and, if you watch one of her videos, makes exercising contagious.

It would be hard to tell from watching Rosalie, but she’s had her share of life’s tragedies. Shortly after a family vacation in the Dominican Republic, her daughter, Kirsten, seemed to have a cold. The cold quickly got worse, and when she was taken to a physician, they were told she had bronchitis. When Kirsten kept deteriorating, they were then told it was pneumonia and she was sent for x-rays. Rosalie then noticed her daughter’s skin was turning grey. The x-ray identified a hole in her lung. She was immediately airlifted to a hospital where she was intubated and put in intensive care. Rosalie and her husband, Rob, were told that the doctors had to explore the damage to her lungs.

Six hours later the surgeon told Rosalie and Rob that their child wouldn’t make it through the night. They were in total shock. Rosalie and her husband stayed positive and decided to spend the night with their daughter. Kirsten was pumped full of water to keep her blood pressure readings within normal range while living on respirators. Rosalie never gave up hope. She and her husband moved beside the hospital (to a Ronald McDonald House) to stay with their daughter. Rosalie managed to keep up a basic exercise routine as she felt she needed to be strong for her daughter. Fortunately, Kirsten fully recovered and now leads a normal and satisfying life.

Rosalie is a very strong and determined person. She’s spent years defying what others have told her she couldn’t or shouldn’t do, things that went against her positive hardiness mindset. We wanted to get a look at her hardiness profile. She agreed to take the Hardiness Resilience Gauge (HRG) and the Emotional Quotient Inventory 2.0 (EQ-i 2.0). Her hardiness profile is in Figure 15.6.

Rosalie’s total hardiness score is in the high range. This is reflective of her can-do attitude. She shared several stories of her hardiness-challenge and hardiness-commitment coming into play. She sees stress-producing roadblocks as a challenge, and her strong purpose in life is her driving force. Just a few examples will make this clear.

In high school Rosalie won athlete of the year, even though she describes herself at that time as “a very curvy pasta loving Italian girl.” However, it wasn’t her natural athletic abilities that propelled her into health and fitness. It was a mean comment she overhead one of her classmates make, “Why would he want to date that fat Italian girl?” that brought out the “I’ll show you” in Rosalie.

Her alcoholic father threatened her not to waste her time going to university. In fact, he said if she went, she wouldn’t be welcome back home. Once again, Rosalie’s “I’ll show you” attitude came out as she went to a highly regarded university and graduated.

When she was 42 years old, she needed a hip replacement. The first surgeon she went to told her, “It’s time to change careers. You won’t be teaching fitness classes again, so you should look for another career.” She gave another “I’ll show you” and looked for a new surgeon. Well, it turned out he must have been an excellent doctor and surgeon because if you watch Rosalie on YouTube, you’ll see her still doing her nonstop and contagious exercise routines.

Rosalie actually uses “Oh ya?? I’ll show you” as a motivator to keep herself going. Her hardiness-commitment score is extremely high, and her life purpose is a big part of this drive. She believes the research that suggests we control 70% of our health and aging with the decisions we make every day. Only 30% of how we age is controlled by genetics.

Her highest scores in her emotional intelligence assessment were in self-actualization and optimism. Rosalie is very high in self-actualizing as she has found what she loves to do in life. Not only does she love what she does, but she helps other people get into and stay in shape. Her optimism is also extremely high. It carries her forward in her ability to overcome obstacles and remain passionate about what she is doing and where she is going. Her positivity is infectious. She has touched the lives of many people and made them better for it—physically and mentally. It’s no wonder she gets millions of views on her YouTube channel.

We can learn to adopt Rosalie’s “I’ll show you” attitude when we’re told “no” or “you can’t.” It takes a certain amount of self-confidence and drive, but once we get started, we can build on our successes and learn from our mistakes.

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In this chapter we have provided a number of real-life examples of how hardiness plays out in different people’s lives. The various components of hardiness—commitment, control, and challenge—can be valuable tools for getting you through life’s bumps in the road. Your mindset is a powerful ally. The hardiness concept is a way to help you frame situations, as we have shown, to move you forward in your life and achieve your goals.

Conclusion

Our goal in this book has been to give you a new way of looking at the stress you encounter in your life and perhaps even help those around you. We’ve presented the role that hardiness can play for you. By being aware of and learning to develop the three Cs of hardiness you have new tools that can help you every day.

We have outlined how increasing your hardiness can make a difference for you in your health, work, athletics, performance, and leadership. We anticipate that this book will stimulate many researchers and others to look at additional avenues where increasing hardiness can make a difference. We’d be thrilled to hear from you about how increasing your hardiness has had an effect on your life.

We hope that this book has given you the knowledge, tools, and inspiring examples to help you lead a hardier life. We have seen the power of the hardiness mindset in many cases, as we have outlined in this book. By adjusting your mindset and seeing obstacles through the lens of hardiness commitment, control and challenge, we believe you can lead a more fulfilling, healthy and longer life.