Chapter 7. When Identity Must Deal with a Life Crisis

As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world—that is the myth of the atomic age—as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

When someone knocked on his door, Rob answered, though he still wore his robe. There stood Dutch Sullivan.

“Come on in, Dutch. I was out playing basketball until they turned the park lights off on us at midnight. Sorry.” He swept a hand across himself to apologize for being found in a robe at 9:30 a.m. on a Saturday.

“No worries,” Dutch said. “I just stopped by to see if I could ask for your help.”

“Sure. Help doing what?”

“You see, that’s the kind of person you are,” Dutch said. “You say ‘sure’ first and then ask what I need.”

“Okay, what do you need?”

“I want you to help talk a friend down off a ledge,” Dutch said.

“Really?” Rob asked “Is your friend suicidal?”

“He’s at a low ebb in his life,” Dutch said. “I know all the signs. I need to talk with him about pretty personal stuff, and that’s never fun. It’d comfort me to have you along. Want to go?

“Sure. Let me get dressed.”

They walked together down the sidewalk.

“Is it that close? I could have driven,” Rob said.

“Walk won’t hurt us,” Dutch said. Rob recalled when Dutch had put in quite a few miles wearing out his shoes on these sidewalks.

“Where are we going?” Rob asked.

“Circus Bar.”

“Really?” Rob glanced at his watch and shook his head. “I’m surprised it’s not called the Dew Drop Inn. I thought there was some kind of law that every small to midsize town in America had to have one of those.”

“There you go,” Dutch said. “You have a good sense of humor. That’s going to prove invaluable to you in life. Sometimes when you can laugh when you’re tempted to cry, you end up feeling a whole lot better about everything.”

They walked in silence for another block. Dutch finally said, “I’m glad you came back to Blakenfield to work a while before getting out to the rest of the world like so many of the kids from here do. Do you think you’re a different person than the one who left here to go to college?”

“Well, the ones like Kathleen who leave to get a chance to be themselves somewhere else, I quite understand.” he responded. “As for me, I think I’m more or less the same. But I understand myself better. I know more about what I can and can’t do. I know more about what I want to do, what I consider success. I also know what I value. My friends and family are important to me. So I guess I’m the same guy, but with a richer, deeper understanding.”

“It shows,” Dutch said.

They came to the neon sign for the Circus Bar, turned off at this hour of the day, but with the front door wide open for business. Rob had never been inside and couldn’t imagine doing so himself on his own, especially at this hour.

Inside, stale smoke hung in the air like bad dreams. A fake moose head with one antler missing stared at nothing from high on one wall. Most of the lighting came from signs advertising all the mainstream brands of beer—the kind that advertise at the Super Bowl—but this was sure no Super Bowl. It was no Ringling Brothers sort of circus, either, and no Cirque du Soleil. Far cry from that.

The bartender looked up like Captain Ahab spotting Moby Dick, then frowned and lowered his head back to the newspaper crossword when Dutch pointed down to the end of the bar where one man sat with hunched shoulders over a half-empty long-neck beer bottle, with a smoldering cigarette in one hand. He looked up at their steps. His eyes were hollow burned holes in a blanket, with no recognition or enthusiasm at seeing them.

“I thought you gave up smoking, Clay,” Dutch said.

“I gave up a lot of things,” Clay rasped, his voice sounding like he was on his second pack of the day, early as it was.

“Let’s move to one of the tables,” Dutch suggested. Clay shrugged and brought his ashtray and beer.

When the bartender came over, Dutch ordered a Diet Coke and mineral water. He tipped more than he should have, and that only softened the bartender’s frown. When they were alone again, Dutch leaned closer and said, “Clay, you told me earlier that the place where you work is downsizing, that you’re likely to be unemployed soon. On top of that, your wife has filed for divorce. Have you done anything about that?”

“Done anything?” Clay’s voice rose and showed the first spark of animation Rob had seen in him yet. “What the hell am I supposed to do? Life is dealing me the double-whammy. Am I supposed to just sit back and enjoy that?”

“Well, you know, Clay, there actually are some things you can do,” Dutch said.

“I just wished I’d filed first,” Clay said. “That’s something I could have done. What are you talking about, Dutch?”

“There are two kinds of change, Clay. There are those forced upon you by changing circumstances, and those that you bring about yourself in order to create opportunities.”

“What can I do? This crap has already happened to me. I don’t understand even how or why. I can still remember when Clarissa meant everything to me. I knew I’d grown stale, tired of it, but I hadn’t realized it was the same for her.” Clay started to reach for his beer but changed his mind. He snuffed out his cigarette and leaned back in his chair. “Is there anything you can tell me to do that will make me feel better? I’m at the end of my rope here, I really am.”

Rob was thinking that Dutch had been right. Here was a man who thought he was standing on a ledge in his life and looked just about ready to jump.

Whether change is planned or unplanned, there’s always the opportunity for you to prepare for it.

“Well, whether change is planned or unplanned, Clay, there’s always the opportunity for you to prepare for it,” Dutch said. “Now, I’ve been through a lot myself, so I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s easy at this stage. But think of people in traffic accidents or natural disasters, or those who lose a son or daughter in war, or those who are crippled by war. Almost all of them didn’t spend time preparing for the change that blindsided them. You’re in a better position than some of them. You still have your health, if you quit this path.” Dutch swept a hand past the beer and ashtray. “And you have friends, your values, maybe even some wants that could be rekindled.”

“But what do I do?” Clay asked.

“Look, everyone has seasons of change in their life. They grow up. They get into relationships. They get out of relationships. They get jobs. Sometimes they get out of jobs. There are good times and some not so good.”

Clay nodded. He couldn’t manage a smile yet, but he and Dutch were sure on the same page.

“And we all get older,” Dutch continued. “That’s one we all know about and gradually prepare for. It’s not like we look in the mirror one day and say, ‘My gosh, where did my life go?’”

“I say that,” Clay said. He lowered his head, rubbed his temples, and finally looked up.

“Look,” he said, “you talk about planning for a change. That’s all good and fine. But I’m already in one—make that two. I’ve been blindsided. What can I do?”

“If you’re willing to work with me, I think I can help you build a new toolkit to help you through the process of change,” Dutch said. “It contains some of the things everyone should have so they’re better prepared for changes in their lives—and, believe you me, there will be changes. Some of the tools in this process kit are learning to control your anger, shifting your perspective so your focus is on the positives of any change, examining yourself to rediscover your inner good and your values, and developing your own rules that keep you on track as you face change. Look, I know you. Heck, I’m a lot like you, and I was sure knocked for a pretty good loop. I brought Rob along because he needs to know changes are going to come rolling toward him like some gripping scene from an Indiana Jones movie. There are seasons of change all through our lives. We all need to be better prepared for change. In your case, it’s not too late. You’ve still got the rest of your life. You may not feel like elastic, but I’m betting you can bounce. Are you willing to work on this together, with your friends?”

Clay nodded. He blinked, as if waking from a long nap, a bad one.

“Well, what do you want to do first?” Dutch said.

“I think for one,” Clay said, “we ought to get out of this place. It’s starting to make me sick about myself.”

“You’ve got it,” Dutch said. “Come on, Rob. Let’s go somewhere we can get a real breakfast.”

Step #6—Pilot the Seasons of Change

If you keep doing what you have always done, you will get the same results. Learn how to create change and manage your response. Dealing with changing circumstances is important, but creating and managing your response is even more important. You can feel stress when the pace of change exceeds your ability to change and events move faster than your understanding. However, with change comes opportunity and growth. So you need to prepare yourself better for change.

Discussion

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Everything I’ve been talking about so far represents a process intended to help you do things differently, to be ready to deal with change, no matter what. If you’re alive, you’re going to face change—and whether that’s a death in the family or the loss of a favorite hair stylist or barber, you have to adjust.

The most important aspect of everything I’ve been sharing so far is that it is sustainable. It is like those natural resources that replenish themselves. So let’s see how you can take all you’ve absorbed so far and use it to better prepare yourself either before or after a change. You need to

• Check your ID. Find out who you really are. Success depends on self-awareness.

• Create your vision. A well-defined vision allows you to make meaningful, realistic goals for your business or personal life.

• Develop your travel plan. Create a plan of action that allows you to work toward your goals.

• Master the rules of the road. These rules should embrace the people you care about and the principles that keep you on track.

• Step into the outer limits. Take the risks necessary to move forward in a positive way.

If you’ve been fortunate to have worked your way through at least these steps, you’ll be better prepared for sudden change. But that’s not to say a traumatic moment won’t blindside you now and again. It’s life, after all, and it doesn’t always come with safety airbags and a roll bar.

What you most need is to be better prepared to pilot the seasons of change in your life—the sudden shifting gear ones as well as the dealing with a move, a relationship change, growing older, or anything that can rock your emotional boat.

The important point to remember—and it can be difficult to do so in trying times—is that life isn’t always outside forces controlling you. At some point, you can get back in control of your life—and the sooner you do so, the better. That means not doing what you’ve always done and expecting different results.

Life isn’t always outside forces controlling you. At some point, you can get back in control of your life—and the sooner you do so, the better.

One of the really handy tools in getting your life back on track when it’s been knocked off its rails is your ability to deal with anger. This has been one of the particular crosses I’ve had to bear, so I know everyone can get angry. Hopefully your anger is fleeting. But you don’t want your anger to affect your judgment, your career, or your relationships. The effects can last forever.

Here are a few of the things you can do to deal with anger:

• Step back and look at the big picture. Think of long-term consequences. Can you get along without that job or without that person in your life?

• Step away. Go somewhere quiet to think. In a calmer environment, consider the effects of any actions. This could take a few minutes, or a few days.

• Turn to positive action. Direct that energy to active steps you can take. As in Tomika’s story, you may find that you can leave a dysfunctional job for education that can better you. That’s putting the “fun” in dysfunctional. Or you might write resumes and search the marketplace. You may want to round up new friends and build different relationships. You want to shake the negative and be positive.

• Talk it out. You have friends or family you can be open with about the way you feel. You may be surprised by how just sharing with someone else offers relief—and it also means that you aren’t lashing out at the source of your anger until you’re calmer and can speak reasonably.

• Consider your options. Dynamite is powerful because it’s wrapped tight. Don’t you be that way, too. The things that make you feel trapped and out of control may be getting in the way of seeing opportunities. Maybe this is a good time in your life to take that leap to a path that better moves you toward your success.

Life is also about seasons of change. Life has many. They’re natural enough—like getting older, going out on your own for the first time, or being on your own again after a relationship crumbles. You can feel pretty much out of sorts, disoriented, sad, or lost if you aren’t prepared.

These changes are as natural as the seasons in nature. Many you can plan for in advance, just as you know that, in fall, the leaves will change color. When you’re prepared for planned changes, there’s no reason for you not to flow better with the unplanned changes. Taking the steps to know yourself and the rules that reel you back to where you want to be can make all the difference in the world.

So far, we’ve looked at the stories of a few people who had to deal with some kind of life crisis. However, the intensity of a crisis is relative to the person who is living through it. And we cannot predict how we will act in a time of crisis until we actually experience one. Coming up next is a remarkable story of crisis, loss, and grace.

Profile in Success: Mariane Pearl

In February 2002, Daniel Pearl, the kidnapped South Asia Bureau Chief of the Wall Street Journal, was beheaded by his Al-Qaeda captors. His widow, Mariane, wrote a memoir about his life, A Mighty Heart, that was adapted into a film. Here she talks about how her experience affected her own sense of identity.

My identity was strange from the start. My mother is Cuban, my father is Dutch, and I grew up in France in an area that was very, very mixed. Mostly Arabic people lived there. Part of my family is white and part of my family is black. When I was little, in my family, the black people were poor and the white people were rich. And when I was very little, I also thought that everybody had the same circumstances—poor and rich relatives. When I met my first white poor person, I was very confused. I think my interest in this matter of identity started there, because I saw how subjective an identity really is. I also saw that people mostly inherit their identity. France is quite a racist country. A lot of my friends and the people I grew up with were from Arabic origins, and they went through a lot of acts of racism. Not necessarily overt, often hidden, but they were all obvious. I somehow escaped that, because I was from different origins, deemed exotic in France.

I am aware that I was lucky, for the ways in which my identity was different from others was not a source of pain for me, as it can often be for others. I also watched people around me suffer as they were torn between two or three cultures, and I escaped that, I think mostly because of my mother, who was a very inclusive person. In a way, I feel that the battle of race belongs to the past. Other people have sacrificed their lives to that. I felt I should move on. We are global already. Many of us today are a product of global citizenship. I am an American, and this was a choice I made. I think of myself as a global citizen, which is, ultimately, a state of mind.

I am always very uncomfortable with the public aspect of my life after Danny died. I am a journalist, and I told the story because it needed to be told. I did not do it because I was seeking fame. I am very shy about this whole social network thing. I have a Facebook account, but I never go in there. Real friendship takes so much to build. And I don’t use Twitter. I just don’t exist in this space because I don’t like it and I don’t feel I need to be there. It does not improve my identity; it does not make me feel stronger in my identity. I think I have remained unswayed by being exposed to the public eye.

The ground you stand on—all of your values and all your beliefs—well, that’s your identity. For me, the way I dealt with all the anger, all of the frustration and the sadness, was by considering my values and discovering how strong they were. This was a very extreme case, when you have people in front of you who are determined, who are very clear in their message and very determined to carry on their war no matter what it takes and no matter how many people are hurt. When you are faced with people who have such a strong identity invested in their war, we all need a very strong identity to stand up to them. If you don’t have a very strong identity, you get completely overwhelmed with fear and anger.

The way I dealt with all the anger, all of the frustration and the sadness, was by considering my values and discovering how strong they were.

The way I dealt with all of this was by assessing just how strong my values were. As I looked at my origins, at my choices in life, everything I experienced brought me to believe very, very strongly in human beings—well, perhaps not so much in human beings as in humanism. Humanism for me is a very difficult goal. It is a very courageous goal to be a humanist today. It accepts the idea that any change that is worthy today is going to have to come from inside of you, collectively from us. I found the determination to live that way even after what happened. And if I compare this to the terrorist’s determination to destroy, mine is probably stronger.

My father was an intellectual. He was a very clever man, and I guess like so many people, he was looking for a way, a system that he could believe in. My father had a loss-of-identity problem. He was Jewish, although he didn’t know that until later in life. It’s a long and complicated story, and also a very painful story that I think is speaking through my identity. He explored various political systems, including communism, which is how we ended up in Cuba and how he got to marry my mother.

By the time I arrived in the world, people had fought a lot of these battles of the systems, and I didn’t think it was worth it to fight them all over again. The battle my father led in trying to find a way to exist and find an identity to live within a structure, within a system, to me, had failed already. So for me, self-awareness and counting on myself was key. I realized if I was going to count on some system, on some government, for my success, it wasn’t going to work. This was a big asset, because I didn’t get lost.

I think the quest for identity never really stops. You have to accept this from the outset, because identity is always changing, always developing. For a child, no matter what the circumstances, the most important work is to identify the values that are the strongest for you. And you have to be very, very honest. Consider whether you are taking on that value because it’s a good thing to do or because it awakens a passion within you. As a journalist, particularly among women, I have seen people do absolutely incredible things because they have been faced with injustice. Injustice very often brings forth from within us a strength that we didn’t think we had. But because the greater good is somehow involved, it becomes fundamental to reach out to protect someone, to take that extra step to use all your energy and emotion. So identify the values that bring out the best in you and live by them. There are all kinds of lies and all kinds of difficulties, but the really sad thing is to leave this world without feeling that you have done your best to live up to your own expectations.

Identify the values that bring out the best in you and live by them.

I don’t know that there is one way to do this. In my case, my way seemed so chaotic. It has been an incredible journey that took me physically all places, emotionally all places, and it certainly has not been easy. What I can say is that there are a number of values. One of them is freedom, and if you ask me how I resisted hatred, my answer is that I loved freedom more than I did hatred. And this is the kind of choice you have to make, and it is going to be difficult to make the right choices—I’m convinced about that. The thing I would say to a child or young person is that this is a long journey to the achievement of an identity. Identity cannot be arrived at superficially, because it is never going to work. Finding your heart and who you are is going to be quite a journey.

I find a lot of things by reading. When I read—and sometimes I read very dramatic works—I find deep emotions aroused, and this helps me. I encounter ideas, and I notice whether they resonate deeply within me. I was on my own very early, and I was lacking direction. I wasn’t being brought up in an environment that seemed obvious, because we were living in France but we were not French. So the way forward was not obvious. But on the other hand, what kind of person would I have become if my parents knew what I was going to do, what university I was going to attend, and on and on? I don’t know, of course. In reality, I was left to find out all of this on my own. I accept that as part of my wealth today, actually. It is so important to be open and remain open, because the journey will take you all kinds of places and [give you] changes you never expect. We are much more complicated than we think we are, and the human soul is a very subtle mix of things.

You need a strong ground. You have to develop willpower, which is a limited resource, and you have to identify those stronger emotions that connect you with the rest of the world. To do this is a conscious decision, I think. This is the most important thing, because no matter what happens, when everything else has disappeared and gone, then you will know if your values are strong enough. That’s when the trappings of success and all things that people run after are revealed to have no value whatsoever.

By keeping an open mind along the way, I have found out what really matters to me, and this defines my identity. What I thought I should be doing five years ago is very different from what I think I should be doing now or tomorrow. There is nothing rigid in the human life. You are always moving forward; when you’re not, you’re not even standing still—you’re really going backward. This is what being alive is all about. New elements are always arising, and your ability to integrate them, think differently about yourself, and never let go of the vision and the values that you want to uphold is the most important part of being a human.

You are always moving forward; when you’re not, you’re not even standing still—you’re really going backward.

Throughout the darkest periods of the journey, I have managed to be loyal to life. In the presence of death, I’ve managed to choose life, and for this I am grateful. I think after Danny’s death, in a strange sort of way, I chose life as a sort of revenge because I was very, very angry, and my first incentive was to oppose these people who had destroyed someone I loved deeply. I found in this the strength I needed to survive and defeat the anger and have the commitment to remain strong. I realized I was alone in this battle, and I could’ve succumbed to hatred—but then they would have won, and I couldn’t allow that. It turns out that this aloneness is very precious, because it is here that you can find strength. Then you can go on and help other people find this.

Questions to Consider

1. Have you ever experienced a life crisis? How did you handle it? Is there anything you would do differently in hindsight?

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2. How would you help someone else deal with the trauma of an accident, a death, a divorce, or a broken relationship? Does anything you’ve learned about identity so far come to mind as something that might help?

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3. Do you handle anger well? What is the first thing you should do when you realize you are nearly “out of control” angry? What next?

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4. How do you think you have weathered the seasons of change in your life? What changes do you see looming ahead?

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