Chapter Eight
Get Mad, Not Even

Revenge is unhealthy and unproductive. Learn to move on.

In the years following the 2000 election, Al Gore always looked mad. He constantly seemed upset. I suspect he continued to smart over the fact that he received more popular votes than rival George Bush, but the Electoral College vote went to Bush after the Supreme Court ruled Bush had won Florida.

Many of us are like that. We have been injured emotionally at one time or another, in one way or another—hurt by family, friends, business colleagues, news media, politicians, whatever—and the bitter urge to strike back becomes our first reaction.

We want to do what Ensign Pulver did in the movie Mister Roberts. He tossed a large, homemade firecracker into the ship’s laundry room as payback for the ship’s captain making Lt. Robert’s life miserable.

There is a better, more productive route, although it can be emotionally difficult. The instructions are simple: Move on. Figure that this, too, shall pass. And Al Gore did just that, winning the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming.

Put things behind you. Forget about replacing lost money, ignore a competitor’s below-the-belt blow, never try to second-guess cancer. Accept what has transpired and move ahead in a positive and dignified way. I was hit with cancer three times, but I don’t dwell on it.

Many years ago, a businessman I knew experienced a failed merger with his company. Consequently, he was forced to sell his business to another bidder at a lower return to the shareholders than the original deal would have realized. In his mind, he lost face.

He became determined to get even, no matter what the cost. The thought of a payback was all consuming. If the name of the company in the initial merger negotiation was ever mentioned, even in casual conversation, he exploded. If his friends had dealings with this institution, he tried to penalize them. It seemed his life’s pursuit was to get even.

His personality changed. A naturally bright leader, his focus was no longer where it could do the most good. So much competence, passion, and drive wasted. Many of his friends found it difficult to be around him. He forgot to move on. The only person bitterness bites is the one who holds the grudge.

Grudges are physically, emotionally, and mentally draining, if not unhealthy. Being driven by revenge affects our hearts and blood pressure. Some scientists at the Huntsman Cancer Institute have developed theories that suggest this type of high-stress emotion might even induce cancer at an earlier stage than it might otherwise surface.

Unproductive emotions are potholes in the road to progress. They limit one’s ability to move forward, to focus, to think positively, to make correct decisions, to act creatively. Time and productivity are wasted.

To not react to low blows, slights, and petty name-calling may require more willpower than humans can muster. Don’t hold back when it comes to emotions. Let your feelings come out. Getting mad for a brief time is far better than a long and costly plan to get even. Make your reaction fast, furious, and finite. Vent your hurt, your anger, your frustrations. Let emotions rip. Then say to yourself: “There, I feel better. It’s over. Move on.”

If you are like me, you need to come to grips with a keen sensitivity to criticism. We have a subsequent need to justify, to explain, and to righteously deny in the face of accusations. Many years ago, I concluded that service to the community or to government earns a certain level of criticism—in the press, from the envious, or out of the mouths of adversaries. Face the future with the words of one of America’s most criticized public figures ever, Richard Nixon: “Adversity introduces a man to himself.”

Revenge is counterproductive. Besides, all bloodbaths eventually cease, if for no other reason than adversaries collapsing from exhaustion. Some even seek to restore old relationships. The ultimate payback, in any case, is your success. If a business competitor has caused you emotional injury, channel your energies into earning a bigger market share and making your company more profitable. If it is a political slight, campaign harder to garner more votes than your opponent.

Doing better is the healthful response to most anything. In any walk of life, a positive, upbeat outlook trumps adversarial acts. Overlook trivial annoyances and imperfections of others. Hopefully, they will do the same with you.

There are times when it is prudent to turn the other cheek, especially when it comes to spouses, family members, and friends. Courtesy and love are contagious and are far more effective over the long haul than trying to ruin the reputation and well-being of another.

It pays to be positive and upbeat around your opposition. Attempting to get even or waging a campaign of nastiness frequently backfires. Those who plant mean, vengeful, and unjust seeds will reap what they sow. We tend to become what we degrade.

On one occasion during my son’s successful 2004 campaign for governor, I approached his primary-election opponent to wish him well. His supporters had been particularly negative toward Jon Jr. during the campaign. Staff members and volunteers surrounded their candidate. They looked uptight. I shook hands with each one and individually complimented them for the job they were doing. I inquired about their careers.

As I left the building, one of them followed me outside. Privately, he complimented me for being magnanimous and interested in their well-being. He inquired about the possibility of switching to my son’s campaign.

When we get riled, we ought to simply vent to a trusted associate. Don’t internalize it, but keep emotional displays brief because they are stressful to those around you. Working out feelings helps one from falling into the revenge mode. Don’t waste months or years brooding over and plotting how to get even. Obsessing on grudges keeps them alive; forgiveness forces them to die. Moving on gets you back to business.

In reality, getting even is a form of self-pity. I view self-pity as one of the worst human weaknesses, a virus that can incapacitate otherwise decent, effective people. My employer in the first business in which I worked was always in a rage over competitors. We were in the egg-processing business. He continually schemed on how to make the competition fail. He wasted so much effort on this mission that his company suffered.

He insisted his staff fabricate stories about the competition with the news media. He concocted every negative thought and trick possible to make his competitors stumble. He died a pathetic, virtually bankrupt individual.

His bitterness overflowed to his children. No good came of it. He didn’t even affect the other companies, which had simply ignored him and concentrated on expanding their own businesses.

Today, one of his competitors is the largest in its field. The owners are billionaires. My ex-employer is six feet underground and long forgotten.

Odds run against successfully achieving revenge. Attempting it wastes time and causes friction with those we love and who care most about us. Prayer is helpful for many people who can’t seem to rid themselves of a grudge. It is soothing and permits forgiveness as well as the strength to move on. It allows a higher order to lend a hand, a being more knowledgeable than mortals.

Although many religions toy with the notion of selected vengeance, including the Old Testament eye-for-an-eye concept, forgiveness is a larger, more central theme. In Eastern religions, for example, it is believed that holding a grudge restrains one from moving forward on his or her spiritual journey.

Prayer to whomever or whatever you perceive to be your deity is good therapy. It is a source of renewal and strength. Besides, it’s impossible for me to remain angry when I pray. Talk through your anger and move on without rancor, for bitterness ruins all of life’s beauty.

Resentment underscores every person’s weakness. Battling internal demons can flatten otherwise wonderful blessings. Hate does not fit well in the human heart. What’s more, much of what we worry about and most of what we are angry about are imagined. It’s the result of mounting anxiety in our souls. Why turn one mistake into two?

Don’t concern yourself with avenging personal putdowns or injuries. Justice has a way of catching up to those who do injury to others. It happens most often without our assistance. A personal example:

During the late 1980s, Huntsman Chemical was growing rapidly and looking for ways to diversify. Sweetheart Plastics, at the time America’s largest producer of confectionary equipment—straws, paper cups and plates, and the like—was in our acquisition crosshairs because its products used vast amounts of polystyrene and polypropylene products Huntsman manufactured. Sweetheart Plastics was represented by an aggressive New York investment-banking firm.

My team and I had negotiated late into the night, finally crafting an $800 million deal for the company. When we formally presented it, the chief negotiator for the investment bank stated: “To ensure that you are the highest bidder for Sweetheart, you must raise your offer to $900 million. As you know, Jon, we have other options.”

I was flabbergasted—not to mention upset. We had been discussing a sale in the $800 million range and had cobbled together the financing to make an offer of that magnitude. The investment bankers were bluffing—and lying. I called a timeout.

I returned to the meeting at midnight to announce we would not pay a penny more than the $800 million agreed upon. Sweetheart was fully priced and the deal could be transacted quickly.

“Think about it, Jon,” repeated the negotiator, “$900 million and the business is yours.”

I walked out and never returned. I was furious, but I moved on. The next highest bid for Sweetheart was $660 million, from an internal management team that neither knew how to operate the business nor had put together the proper financial package. It ended up far from being a sweetheart deal.

Greed cost the financial institution $140 million and a lawsuit from Sweetheart’s bondholders. Forbes and The Wall Street Journal published stories about it. Within two years, Sweetheart sold again, this time for $445 million. Eventually, shareholders were left with 50 percent of the original offer.

I rest my case.

The genesis of Richard Nixon’s political demise was his inability to move on. He held grudges. He felt compelled to get even. Whether dark paranoia over so-called “enemies” or wrestling with old ghosts, it brought him down and altered history.

I often wondered if, in a small way, I could have changed any of that by working on Nixon’s mindset.

Up close and without the benefit of hindsight or historic perspective, it was difficult for me at the time to detect how deep and sociopathic was his contempt for selected politicians, special interest groups, and members of the news media.

We assume that successful or revered people do not carry around demons like the rest of us. They do. When it comes to grudges, we all have held on to some for too long. What separates winners from losers is how fast we banish those demons.

Pay attention to that voice inside that says: Life is short. Move on. Step lively.