Chapter 8. Friendship, Teamwork, and Your Identity

Rob heard the clatter of boards and metal tubing, followed by a yell. It was the yell that made him drop his hammer and go running around to the back of the house.

As he turned the corner, he saw a pile of 2×6 boards and metal tubes. Tangled in the middle of the mess, he saw Clay—or at least part of him. His head stuck out of the middle of the mess, and a bruise on his forehead was already starting to show.

Rob rushed to him and started to pull the boards away and toss them to one side.

“Are you hurt bad?”

“Well, I’m not hurt good,” Clay said. He tried to grin but winced instead.

Rob was throwing pipes and boards to the side as fast as he could and had Clay just about uncovered when two women came out the back door from inside the charred house. He glanced up and saw Kathleen and Carol. “Just what I need,” he said, “people with medical experience.”

“I’m not hurt that bad,” Clay said.

“He just doesn’t want us to apply a tourniquet around his neck,” Carol said.

She and Kathleen squatted and started to examine Clay. Two men came running around from one side, and one from the other.

“We’ve got him,” Kathleen said. “You might try getting this scaffold back together.”

Carol glanced toward Rob. “I thought you were studying engineering. Why didn’t you help put this scaffold together?”

“I’m studying computer engineering,” Rob said. “Kinda different.”

Sylvia Murphy, their appliance store pal, stuck her head out the back door. “My two guys are just bringing in the new stove. They know how to put up scaffolding. I’ll send them out here next. You gals did a good job with the painting. You could never tell the fire started in the kitchen.”

“Who are you here with?” Kathleen asked Rob.

“These guys,” Rob waved to the other guys who had gotten the rest of the wood and piping off Clay. “They’re from the Kiwanis Club and said I could pitch in, too. Dutch was here as well, but he had to head off to give tennis lessons. How about you?”

“I came with some of the Junior Achievement gang,” Kathleen said. “Carol came with me.”

“Junior Achievement? I thought they were all about getting starts in business experience,” Rob said.

“Putting a house back together where a family has been displaced by a fire is an achievement,” Kathleen said. “What’s wrong with your thumb?”

“I’m about as good with a hammer as Clay was in putting together scaffolding,” Rob responded.

“Oh, my Lord.” Melba Johnson stuck her head out the back door. “I hope no one was hurt.”

“I’m fine,” Clay said. “Well, not fine. But I’ll be back to work in a minute. We’re gonna have your house back together before your kids are even home from school.”

“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all this,” Melba said. “I had no insurance. Nothin.’”

“It’s what communities do,” Kathleen said. “Just like back in the day when a barn needed to be raised. We don’t have any barns, so we’re glad to help you fix your house. That fire was a sudden thing. But it looks like you have a new stove now, too.”

Kathleen came out the front door later that afternoon as Rob came around from the back of the house. Rob held up his taped thumb. “Thanks for the first aid. Glad to give you and Carol a chance to practice craft.”

Kathleen had a smear of paint on one ear and another patch on the back of one elbow. Rob thought she’d never looked prettier.

“House looks good, though. You have to admit.” She glanced back and took in the result of everyone’s effort.

“We may not be perfect,” Rob said, “but we all got there in the end. The power’s in numbers. Did you see Melba? She tried to thank us, but the tears of joy got in the way. I thought she was going to break one of my ribs hugging me, and Clay actually squealed before she remembered he’d been in a tumble earlier.”

“I like it when things come together.” Kathleen started to walk away.

Rob walked beside her.

“Where are you going?” she said.

“To the park. I promised Dutch I’d watch a bit of the afternoon lessons group and help him tidy up when the kids take off like so many speckled birds.”

“Well, one of the speckled birds is my niece,” Kathleen said. “I’m headed that way, too. I guess we can walk together.”

Rob waited until she looked away before he let his grin show.

“I’m surprised you came back to town,” she said after a few more steps.

“I’m working on the people I want to be around,” he said. “I met some nice friends at school. But I find it’s good for me to be around people who have the same values as me. We feed on each other.”

“How so?” She looked up at him with one eye narrowed.

“Well, it’s like when I play basketball in the park,” he answered. “Sometimes my pals and I aren’t really as good as the other team, but we win. You know how?”

“I sense I’m supposed to say ‘How?’” she said.

“We know each other well enough to flow. We give up the rock. We back each other up, offer a pick or way out, if needed. It’s just like knowing someone’s values. Trust is what oils the machine.”

“I see. I didn’t know machines bang themselves on the thumb,” she teased.

When they got to the tennis courts, the lights were just staring to flicker on. The kids were running and squealing with all the hysteria and joy of youth. Dutch stood in the middle, directing and coaching. He’d sure found his niche.

The sky was just beginning to mottle purple and pink on the far horizon. Birds spoke with the softening clamor of settling into evening. Leaves rustled, as they are prone to do.

Kathleen and Rob stood just up the hill under a huge beech tree Rob figured had to have been there before the Pilgrims landed. A slight breeze came up the hill. It was a good time of day. They both seemed to be content to stand there and watch the children play while their parents chattered together on the bleachers.

“Why’d you come back to town for the summer?” Rob asked.

“You think that would be hard for me?” When he didn’t answer, she said, “I had a lot to prove to myself and to others, but mostly to myself. I honor the things in me I think I see in you, Rob. They’re good things—loyalty, generosity, compassion, and genuine love for your fellow beings.”

“Um...well...um....”

“Yes?”

“Do you think if I asked you out, you’d have dinner with me?”

She looked up at him. “What do you think we’ve been talking about? Of course I would.”

He looked down at her, at the paint on her ear and her bright, sparkling eyes. He leaned closer.

And they kissed.

Step # 7—Build Your Dream Team

Build supportive relationships with mentors and peers who can help you toward your goals.

Discussion

This story is clearly about people coming together as an informal team to help a friend in need. Our protagonist, Rob, is very consistent about being a good friend, which is clearly a core value and a foundational character trait embodied in his identity. Rob also has a knack for assembling small informal “teams” to bring out the best in people. This is a core trait of enduringly successful people. They believe that very little that matters can be accomplished alone. If you have a dream, you need a team.

I’ve learned over the years that people who create success that lasts have this idea that many of the people they meet are a potential member of their community or team—a recruit, a customer, a vendor, a volunteer, a friend, you name it. Here’s where I’m going with this: Would your behavior in working with others change if you knew in advance that your relationships would last for the rest of your life, for better or for worse? How would you build relationships if everyone you worked with, bought from, or served would always be your neighbor—or, at least, the smart, talented people you wanted to keep around?

You can’t hide in this global virtual world we all live in. You’ll likely run into the same folks, whether you’ve intended for the relationship to be short or lasting, good or bad. Embracing this reality can be life changing, as you think about everyone as a potential long-term member of your dream team.

If you want a life filled with lasting success, you’re better off thinking about your relationships as being built to last with people whose role in your life will probably change—sometimes they’ll work for you; sometimes you’ll work for them; and still other times they’ll leave your organization and become your customers, your vendors, your regulators, or your competitors—and some of them will be your lifelong friends. But if you consider them all members of your virtual “team,” the only thing that changes over time is their role in your life. You still have the relationship. And when you get to the place where you view your relationships as lasting, you’ll behave in ways that respect and honor your relationships. You will be loyal to the best in yourself and others.

In your personal life, the difference between family and friends is that you can pick your friends. Some people act like their lives are a matter of circumstance and serendipity—whoever they meet has a good chance of being a part of the rest of their lives. Not so. At least that’s not always the best idea if you want to be in control of your identity and life. There are fools and scumbags out there, and the only thing worse than making a mistake is sticking with it because you felt it was fated.

Now, I’m not saying that you need to take the romance out of love. I believe that the spirituality of love is one of the strongest and best forces in the world. Nor am I saying you should look for a companion by using a slide rule or questionnaire. What I am saying is that if the values of another person are what attract you to that person, you both stand a much better chance of helping each other achieve success in life. And I think you stand a better chance of having a longer-lasting, healthier relationship.

So it was with Rob and Kathleen, two thinking young people who may not land on immediate answers, but who carefully consider and ask, which gives them a much better chance of getting along than people who just fall together, as if life is a game of chance. That doesn’t make them plotting, manipulative people. It just means they have examined themselves carefully and now examine those around them on the same terms.

Imagine that you walk into a room and are attracted to someone. Well, right away, attraction isn’t understanding. You’ve had to take a while to get to know yourself, if you’ve been following along, and it will take you a while to understand someone else’s identity.

Just consider those you know—yourself included, perhaps—who were swept away by a momentary attraction to someone based on how they looked, or their mood, or one beverage too many. I mean, if you’re in the mood to tick off your parents by seeking out a “bad boy” or “bad girl,” you may be the one paying for it down the road with quite a bit of sadness, in addition to being sidetracked from heading toward personal success.

That’s also why staying fixed on your own vision or dream and, of course, your values matters. You need people around you to whom those values also matter.

That leads us to the number one myth about how to have a successful life: Just to have a dream is enough. It will happen. Really?

You’re going to have to work and plan, and you’re almost certainly going to need some help along the way. Success isn’t a lottery, a matter of luck, something that lands on some people and not others. Success is a product of effort. The people with whom you connect as you strive toward your success can help you, or they can get in your way.

Now, think about this: What is the one thing you wish someone had told you about yourself, about how to know yourself and your identity, when you were, say, 15? Do you wish they’d said to be more careful in picking your friends and your significant other? Would you have listened? You’ll face adjustments down the road. Consider Rob’s friend Allen, who might have had admirable values and principles once but is now locked up for not paying child support and seems to be able to focus only on self-pity and a somewhat tangled view that the world has it in for him. Remember, you don’t have to see the world as having control over you. You don’t have to be a victim. And close friends who think that way aren’t really going to be there to help you toward your dream, because they’re stuck floundering in the puddle that their life has become in their eyes.

Let’s look at some of the traits you might look for in friends, either the ones you haven’t met or the ones you think you already have.

The Qualities of a Good Friend or Companion

• Are they trustworthy? Do they do what they say they’re going to do? Are they honest? Open?

• Are they nonjudgmental? Do they listen without interruption and wait until they have all the details of a situation before they respond?

• Are they there when you need them? Think of all the people who responded when Melba Johnson’s home burned. They did one of the most important acts of real friendship: They showed up.

• Are they honest and responsible? Do they pay their bills? Meet their responsibilities? Think again of Rob’s friend Allen. No poster boy for doing things with integrity.

• Are they honorable, even in the face of criticism, temptation, or challenges?

• Do they tell the truth about themselves and others? Could you believe a resume they crafted?

• Can you trust them to keep your secrets? This isn’t what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. It’s the basic confidence that they’re always considering what’s best for you.

• Does their strength add to yours? Are you a stronger and more capable team member because of them?

• Do they acknowledge their own weaknesses and mistakes?

• Do they put the welfare of others before their own? Love, honor, compassion, and sacrifice are among the noblest traits you’ll find in mankind. Seek them out among those around you.

Questions to Consider

1. Have you always made wise decisions when making friends, when dating, or with the people you most associate with? Do you wish you could do anything differently, or do over?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

2. How have shared values played a part with you and your best friends?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

3. Can you think of organizations in which many of the people share the same values as you?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

4. If you had to start from scratch in finding someone for a friendship or relationship, where would you start? Why?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________