Nonverbal Communication
Since ancient times, people have sought proof of sincerity in the nonverbal communication of others. This kind of communication is so telling because it is based on involuntary responses: the pupils of our eyes dilate at the sight of something we like, for instance. We call this body language. It has culture-based aspects, too. We learn when it's appropriate to raise a hand to indicate a wish to speak and when to use a facial expression—and what expression to use. It often consists of a series of subtle, simultaneous cues such as change in breathing rate or eyebrow position. Nonverbal communication usually appears in “clusters”: beware of a person with a smiling mouth and unsmiling eyes—or as Ralph Waldo Emerson remarked, “What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say.”
The significance of this body language will vary depending on a person's national origin, ethnic group, social status, gender, and age. Translation, like spoken language, also depends on the context in which it occurs. A pat on the back can be congratulatory, consoling, patronizing, intimidating, or even a form of sexual harassment. So avoid jumping to conclusions. As researchers have recorded, nose rubbing can signal that someone is nervous, disapproving, lying, or simply itchy.
Ten Tips to Good Listening
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Good listeners pay attention to both words and body language to determine whether these match. Psychologist Carl R. Rogers, in On Becoming a Person, called this accurate matching of experience with awareness “congruence.” If not, the proverbial “actions speak louder than words” is the time-tested guiding principle. Good listeners learn to subdue or suppress negative nonverbal communication to encourage others to speak freely.
Proxemics, Metalanguage, and Kinesics
Anthropologists, sociologists, psychiatrists, and psychologists have led the research in body language. They as well as all trainers, educators, entertainers, salespeople, politicians, and others benefit from improved understanding of proxemics, metalanguage, and kinesics.
Proxemics
This is the relationship of people's positions in space. For example, anthropologist Edward T. Hall defined four distances between adults in the United States:
intimate—less than one foot for family and lovers
personal—one to four feet for family and friends
social—four to 12 feet for co-workers and social acquaintances
public—12 to 25 feet for platform speakers and entertainers
As Hall and others have explained, when we believe someone is too close we feel threatened, but neither do we like the company of someone we find stand-offish.
Studies of workplace proxemics have shown that a business leader may select a participatory round table or may choose to “head” meetings from the end of a rectangular table. When given a choice, friendly co-workers tend to sit beside each other at a table, but opposite if mere acquaintances or enemies in office politics.
Metalanguage
Also called paralanguage, metalanguage is the music of speech, which encompasses resonance, pitch, volume, rhythm, lilt, pauses, dialect, accent, and stress, emphasis, and emotional overtones. These may strengthen, weaken, or contradict the meanings of spoken words. These can express sarcasm, irony, or humor. It is because of this metalanguage that we protest, “It wasn't what they said, it was the way they said it!”
Kinesics
This is body language—your posture, gestures, and facial expressions. Following are some commonly held beliefs about specific behaviors and what they mean:
Sitting on the edge of a chair could be a sign of interest or eagerness to leave.
Blinking or clearing the throat repeatedly signals nervousness or guilty feelings.
Removing and cleaning one's glasses is a sign of evaluating what is being said.
Fingertips together in the steeple position shows confidence to the point of superiority.
Stroking the chin means the mind is made up.
Putting a hand over the mouth shows hesitation.
Rubbing the back of the neck reflects frustration.