Kinds of Listening

Experts use various, overlapping descriptions for the many kinds of listening:

Appreciative—listening for aesthetic enjoyment of sound.

Active—listening as a willing act of attending to and interpreting with an open mind the words and feelings a speaker expresses.

Comprehensive—listening to learn.

Critical—listening in order to make decisions such as when one listens to a political debate.

Defensive—listening to discover arguments for oneself and against a speaker.

Dichotic—listening to two things at once.

Discriminative—listening in order to distinguish the significance of one sound from another.

Empathic/Empathetic—listening to put yourself in another person's place to understand, but not necessarily agree with what's being said and why.

Reflective/Responsive—listening to paraphrase, summarize, and clarify a message.

Selective—listening only to what one wants to hear.

Therapeutic—listening to help someone talk through a problem.

Guidelines for Giving Feedback Whenever someone speaks to you, your first response should be silence. As Oscar Wilde said in The Picture of Dorian Gray, “He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing.” Listen and wait—it may take only a moment, it may take minutes—until the speaker pauses. The pause may indicate that it is your turn to speak or that the speaker is organizing thoughts or calming emotions before continuing. The following seven guidelines for giving feedback help the receiver understand what is being communicated: The primary reason for giving feedback is to help yourself and others grow. Examine your motivation. Focus the feedback on specific and observable behavior and the effect on you. Do not attempt to interpret the behavior. Offer feedback in a helpful, nonthreatening manner, avoiding value judgments and labels. Include both positive feedback and areas for improvement. Give the feedback at an appropriate time and in an appropriate place. Give it as promptly after the observed behavior as feasible. Make the feedback concise, objective, and descriptive. Speak for yourself; let others speak for themselves. Discuss the feedback until both the giver and receiver are sure they understand each other. When you are the receiver, the following methods for processing the feedback will help you understand the message: Listen carefully without becoming defensive, interrupting, or arguing. Take a deep breath. First, be silent. Acknowledge the feedback and reflect and rephrase what you hear to check out your perceptions. Don't assume you know what people are going to say next. Ask questions for clarification and ask for examples. Ask for suggestions and options. Think about the information that you have received. Check it out with others. Do not overreact to feedback, but modify your behavior as appropriate. Use your body movements to encourage communication. Nod for understanding, move your arms for enthusiasm, and avoid playing with anything. Encourage communication through the sound and pitch of your voice. Look at the speaker, but don't stare. Remember how it feels if someone you are talking to isn't paying attention to you. Mirror body language. If the speaker is sitting, you should sit, too. Try not to judge or evaluate. There are as many points of view as there are people. Emotions may impair your ability to listen. Be aware of your feelings and recognize that the speaker has a different perspective from yours. Adapted from Info-line No. 9006, “Coaching and Feedback

Listening Autobiographically

Covey says that we listen “autobiographically.” That is, we usually respond in one of four following ways.

Following these natural responses and trying to communicate through words alone often leads to misunderstandings and limited vision. In order to develop more empathic listening skills, Covey takes us through four developmental stages:

Mimicking

This is the least effective and may insult people and cause them to close up if you do not convey sincere desire to hear what they are saying, but it is the first step toward causing you to listen.

Example: “I'll never make my deadlines.”

“You'll never make your deadlines.”

Rephrasing

While not much more effective, this stage puts the speaker's meaning into your own words. This involves the left, or reasoning and logical, side of the brain.

Example: “I'll never make my deadlines.”

“You're worried that you won't finish on time.”

Reflecting

In this stage you are paying equal attention to what is being said and the feelings behind the words. The right side of the brain begins to work.

Example: “I'll never make my deadlines.”

“You're really feeling anxious.”

Rephrasing Content and Reflecting Feeling

By using this technique you combine both sides of your brain to understand both sides of the communication.

Example: “I'll never make my deadlines.”

“You're really anxious about not meeting your deadlines.”

Covey refers to this kind of empathic listening as opening “a soul-to-soul flow” in communicating with the other person. This builds trust, which in turn motivates and brings out the best in people. Be aware, however, that giving advice as an effort to show empathy toward the person speaking is not helpful—no matter how well meant. To be effective, the listener must first detect the real problem.

Carl Rogers summarizes these points in his book, On Becoming a Person, “Each person can speak up for himself only after he has first restated the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker accurately, and to that speaker's satisfaction…before presenting your own point of view, it would be necessary for you to really achieve the other speaker's frame of reference—to understand his thoughts and feelings so well that you could summarize them for him…understanding with a person, not about him…is such an effective approach that it can bring about major changes in personality.”