Appendix
All Skill Sets
1
Self-Soothing
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
All children need to calm themselves, and this is particularly true for ones who are intense, irritable, and emotionally reactive. It is especially useful if the child can be taught how to learn to do as many of the activities described in this skill sheet as possible.
Activities that are mentally soothing:
1. Chanting meditation has been used for centuries to calm the nervous system. Have the child sit in a comfortable position on the floor or a seat cushion. Take several deep breathes and then chant a mantra silently or aloud. Many people use a word like “Om” that creates a vibration in the vocal chords and chest. One can also breathe out a relaxing sigh. Do this at least 10 times in a row. This helps to still the body and mind.
2. Breath-counting meditation is another mentally soothing activity. Either have the child sit or lie comfortably, relaxing the body. Ask the child to close his eyes and begin taking deep breathes. Focus the attention on the pause between inhalation and exhalation, then as the child exhales, count until the exhalation is complete (one, two, three, four). Help the child to focus all his mental energy on counting, putting all other thoughts out of his mind.
Activities involving the sense of touch:
1. Often children are soothed through the sense of touch. A soft or silky object can be very comforting, such as hugging a stuffed animal, wearing a soft shawl or scarf with a yarn fringe, or a charm necklace or bracelet that provides soothing touch. Sitting under a warm blanket or comforter can be relaxing. Sitting on a large beanbag chair or snuggling against a large body pillow is very soothing.
2. Water is a calming agent. Swimming can be very relaxing, particularly when there is no competition involved. The child can take a warm bath while listening to soothing music.
3. Everyone needs loving touch. Snuggling with a pet, a sibling, or a parent is always good, be it before going to sleep or while watching a movie or reading a book. Pay attention to whether the child prefers firm or lighter types of touch and where on the body they are more apt to accept touch. Usually the back, palms, and soles of feet are accepting of touch. If the child cannot tolerate direct contact, place a soft pillow between you and the child. Pillow hugs against the back are especially comforting.
4. Traction is very organizing for many children. Grasp the child’s ankles and stretch his body long while he lies on his back. The same technique can be done with the wrists, extending the arms overhead while pulling the child’s arms long overhead. Apply traction to each finger or toe, pulling on them, one at a time. Traction can also be done with a chin-up bar attached in the doorjamb that the child can use to hang from. The child can hang from suspended equipment like a trapeze bar.
5. Massage is very soothing to most children, especially if it is done with firm, deep pressure. Have the child lie on his stomach and stroke one hand on one side of the child’s spine, beginning from the nape of the neck down to the small of his back, slowly to the count of five, then as your hand reaches the small of the back, the other hand begins at the nape of the neck on the other side. This alternating stroke pattern should be applied for several minutes.
6. Massage to the palms is very soothing, focusing on massaging the thumb web space using circular motions. Massage in a circular pattern in the middle of the palm, then from the wrist out to each finger, making fan-like strokes. Something similar can be done to the soles of the feet.
7. There are several facial key points that are extremely soothing. Massage over the child’s eyebrows, then make circular motions on the temples. Massage upward from the side of the mouth to the temples, then massage the ears, pulling the lobes outward in all directions. One can also put pressure above the upper lip, holding the finger horizontal as if it were a mustache. This is a quick trick that can be done anywhere, anytime.
8. Firm brushing of the hair while concentrating on the scalp can be very relaxing. Self-massage of the scalp can be done using fingertip pressure placing the hands so that the fingers of each hand touch the top of the head and the thumbs pressing on the area above the ears. This is an especially good technique to relieve tension headaches.
9. Some children calm quickly by engaging in repetitive tapping to parts of the face, arms, chest and hands. Tap with the fingertips firmly 7–8 times using both hands at each of these places: Top of head in the center of the skull; above the eyebrows on both sides; on the temples; under the eyes on the cheekbones; under the nose on the upper lip; midway between the chin and lower lip; just below the collar bone; on the sides of the trunk on the ribs; and lastly on both wrists.
Activities using sound:
1. Music can energize children but it can also slow them down. This is idiosyncratic because taste in music is often cultural and age related. Figure out what kind of music is calming to the child- New Age, classical, Hemi-Sync music, etc. Wearing heavy earphones while listening to music is often preferred, especially noise-cancelling earphones that prevent ambient noise from the environment.
2. Many children calm down when they hear a relaxation tape. There are a number of commercial tapes available on the market (Jack Kornfield’s Guided Meditation tapes; “I can relax!” CD from the Child Anxiety Network) or you can make your own using books that provide scripts for progressive relaxation, self-hypnosis, breathing, and visualization (Allen & Klein, 1996; McKay, 2000). Focus on taking long deep breaths to relax. A very good progressive relaxation technique is to go through the body and tense each muscle group, such as hands, arms, shoulders, etc. until the whole body is relaxed. Sometimes it is helpful to imagine being in a beloved place where the child feels safe and comfortable.
3. Many children relax by listening to a book on tape.
4. Sometimes children need sounds screened out. The quietness of wearing heavy noise–cancelling earphones that screen out all sounds may be helpful. Create a “quiet time” in the household for 20–30 minutes per day when all TVs, radios, and computers are off and people engage in quiet reading or craft activities. Play soft soothing music to create the mood.
5. Listening to a pet purr or breathe can be very calming. If the child hugs a pet or person “heart-to-heart” (placing the left side of the chest against their heart), the vibration and rhythm connection is very soothing.
Activities using vision:
1. Some children find it comforting to watch a familiar TV show or video.
2. For some individuals it is relaxing to look through a family photo album, pictures of vacations, or watching videos of fun events like birthday parties or a dance recital.
3. Reading a good book can take the child’s mind off of troubling thoughts.
4. Watching a simple visual phenomenon like a lava lamp, a lit candle, goldfish swimming in a tank, or gazing at stars at night can be very soothing.
5. Dimming the lights can be very effective in calming the nervous system.
6. Sitting in enclosed spaces like a small, darkened room without visual distractions calms many children. When in a restaurant or crowded setting, pick a corner seat by a wall to offer some visual protection and sense of enclosure.
Activities using the sense of smell:
1. Many children draw comfort from familiar, significant smells. Again this is idiosyncratic and depends on what is meaningful. One child may be soothed by the smell of soap or lotions. Another child may relax to cooking smells, such as cinnamon or a certain spice. Consider incense sticks or scented candles. Lavender, eucalyptus, and vanilla are particularly soothing while peppermint and pine are alerting.
Activities using taste and texture:
1. Name your comfort food—pizza, chocolate chip cookies, or macaroni and cheese. Given the concern about overweight individuals in our culture, we don’t want to solely rely on food to self soothe, but on a cold winter day, a cup of hot chocolate with a marshmallow or a hot tea might be the perfect thing.
2. Some children relax while eating crunchy snacks like large pretzels, potato chips, carrot sticks, or apples. These food textures provide heavy work to the mouth.
3. Chewing flavored gum can be relaxing for some children as long as it doesn’t irritate other people.
Activities involving movement:
1. Movement can be very soothing, particularly when a child is frustrated or angry. In essence, large motor activities help the child “blow off steam.” Many children are comforted by repetitive back and forth rocking motions, such as being in a swing, hammock, or rocking chair. A glider rocking chair is very calming.
2. Some children find it soothing to jump up and down on a mini-trampoline to music or doing exercises on a gymnastic ball, especially inverting on the ball or sitting and bouncing.
3. Gross motor activity and sports, such as running, soccer, swimming, or shooting baskets can be particularly soothing. Try dancing in fluid, graceful movements.
4. Walk in a mindful way, focusing on one sensory thing at a time, such as the sound of the wind, shadows cast by branches of trees, or the intensity of blooming flowers.
Activities using the hands:
1. Movement is always good even if it only involves arms and hands. Drawing and coloring are very restful for many children. There are beautiful mandalas and other coloring books available on the market.
2. Some children like to do craft projects, which focus their attention on something that is pleasurable, away from things that are frustrating. Painting a mask or box, stenciling, and beading are some examples. The repetition and rhythm of knitting, braiding, and weaving also soothe.
3. The hands have important pressure points on them that calm the entire body. The child can clasp his hands together, palm to palm, pressing the thumb web spaces against one another. Massage the web space and pull on each finger. Do this slowly.
4. Playing a musical instrument like the piano or a string instrument provides calming input to the hands.
5. Working with clay or Sculpey is very grounding. Immersing the hands in paraffin, sand, or kneading bread provides deep pressure to the hands and calms the entire body.
Activities involving deep breathing:
1. Yoga is excellent because it encourages breathing with movement.
2. The child should lie down on his back with arms and legs straight, palms facing upward and eyes closed. Place a heavy beanbag or soft weighted pillow on the abdomen while in this position to give the diaphragm more feedback and to increase awareness of diagphragmatic breathing. Breathe deeply, letting all tension flow out of the body.
3. A very beneficial breathing exercise that can be practiced anywhere is to inhale deeply to the count of five, hold the breath for five counts, then exhale slowly to the count of five. Repeat this up to 10 times in a row. This technique is especially useful in reducing anxiety or panic attacks.
4. Musical instruments like a flutophone, clarinet, or harmonica requiring breathing help to vibrate the airway and encourage deep, calming air intake.
5. Some children need extra body feedback to learn to breathe deeply because they customarily breathe using only the upper chest muscles. Place a heavy beanbag or ankle weight on the abdomen while lying on the back. Watch the rise and fall of the weight lying on the stomach.
Activities that use creativity and imagination:
1. Everyone benefits from simply “zoning out” into an imaginary world of their own making. Imagine a mini-holiday when the child goes to the beach or a favorite place for 2 minutes and then return to the present. Find something creative that uses the imagination like writing poetry or a short story, drawing, or building a structure with Legos or blocks. Often our lives are so overscheduled that there is no time to do whatever makes our heart sing. The child should find some open-ended time in his life for just this sort of thing.
2. Institute a 20 minute time zone everyday that is open-ended and with no task expectations. Sit comfortably in a chair and allow the mind to wander. The open space that is created in the mind will help the child find answers to things, to get ideas for things he may wish to do, and to calm the body and mind. Creativity and imagination depend on openness.
2
Activities for Problems of Touch
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
1. Activities for children with tactile sensitivities
a. Apply deep pressure to parts of the body. It is very organizing to a child with tactile defensiveness to have firm, deep pressure applied to the shoulders, hips, and top of the head by another person. The pressure should be firm and sustained and held for about the count of 10. While the child is lying prone (face-down) on a floor mat or mattress, have someone put a mattress pad on his back and press firmly over the back with heavy body weight. You can also take a gymnastic ball and have it rolled over the child’s back and up and down his legs.
b. Combine movement with touch. While lying prone over a gymnastic ball, roll forward and back while relaxing the body, concentrating on deep breathing during this exercise. Try sitting on the therapy ball and bouncing gently up and down to music. Other movement activities might be sitting in a rocking chair or glider chair with a heavy weighted pillow for the lap, jumping on a mini-trampoline, or swinging on a swing.
c. Submerge the hands and feet in tactile medium. It is very organizing to submerge the hands or feet in thick or heavy medium like bins of sand, dried beans, or warm paraffin baths. Some children find it helpful to make clay sculptures, pottery, or Sculpey clay jewelry.
d. Apply pressure to the palms and soles of feet. Pressure can be applied to the hands by squeezing therapy putty or stress balls. There are latex hand mitts that fit snugly over the palms and back of the hands (available from Pocket Full of Therapy: www.pfot.com). Putting the hands on the floor while lying prone on a therapy ball can be very inhibitory to a hypersensitive child. Receiving a hand or foot massage, focusing on hand and foot reflexology is very useful. Roll a tennis ball under the child’s foot or lie on top of a firm rubber ball placed between the shoulder blades, then gently move side-to-side.
e. Use heavy weighted objects whenever possible. By working through the body proprioceptors (these are the joint receptors), one can dampen down a hypersensitive child’s response to touch. Try wearing a heavy backpack or carrying a smooth stone or worry beads in the pocket. Wear heavy clothing or put a heavy comforter on the lap or shoulders. Heavy blankets rather than light comforters may be more grounding and comforting at night.
f. Introduce rough textures to desensitize the body. Some children respond very well to vigorous brushing using a hand scrub brush. This should be applied systematically over the fronts of the legs, tops of the feet, backs of the forearms and hands, and back of the body, brushing vigorously to the count of ten while brushing each body surface. Longer time should be applied to the back of the body. All of this can be self-administered with the exception of the back. If this is perceived as aversive or there is a negative reaction after the brushing (i.e., skin is itchy, wish to escape), it should be discontinued. Some children react several hours later, so be alert to this response.
g. Engage in activities that offer pressure and resistance. In addition to pulling putty or working in clay, kneading bread, working in the garden, and using tools that offer resistance to the hands and body is very organizing. Carpentry, furniture refinishing, and moving furniture also provide this type of input. Lifting weights in exercise is very useful.
h. Educate others where the child is comfortable being touched. Discuss with family and friends who are apt to touch the child for hugs or other kinds of touch to always approach the child from in front so that he can see the touch about to happen. Touch should be firm, sustained, with little movement of the hands on body parts. It is also more tolerable if others touch the child on the back when embracing, using firm, sustained touch.
i. Apply touch where the child can tolerate it. When receiving touch from others, it should be firm, sustained contact. Most children are more able to tolerate touch on the back, abdomen, hips, and hands. By combining a part of the body that is more tolerant of touch with one that is less tolerant, it can make tactile contact from others more tolerable.
j. Get firm pressure and massage before physical contact from others. Before physical contact that might be aversive (i.e., sitting next to a squirmy sibling), ask the caregiver to give the child a “massage” using a squeeze, release type of touch rather than a stroking motion. If this is aversive, the caregiver should try just resting their hand on the child’s back, thigh, or forearm without moving it. That’s way the caregiver still has contact with their child but without eliciting an aversive response. Talk, read, sing, or listen to music while the child receives this touch to help distract him. Some children prefer very tight clothing similar to a neoprene wet suit while others prefer loose fitting sweats when they participate in activities involving touch.
k. Put something soft and inviting between the child and another person if the child can’t tolerate direct contact. Children who are very tactually defensive need a lot of inhibition to their touch system. Some children like to wrap up in a soft comforter like a hot dog, then have someone massage their back with a large ball, rolling it up and down the back in different ways (e.g., light tapping, firm rub). Children who are sensitive also respond well to a pillow hug. Another person should squeeze the pillow around the child’s back while hugging him. Some parents like to put a soft pillow on their lap, then have the child sit on top of the pillow which helps provide a buffer for the child.
l. Daily care tips: Use an electric toothbrush to help desensitize the inside of the mouth. This is especially useful for children who hate eating certain food textures because they feel uncomfortable in the mouth. When taking a shower or bath, avoid wiping the body because this often sets off a defensive reaction. Try to scrub vigorously or dab with the wash clothe. Likewise, drying the body often works best when using a warm towel from the dryer. The child can wrap up with the towel, then pat themselves dry through the towel.
m. Be sensitive to the emotional meanings of touch: Due to the intimate link between touch and emotions, touch received from others should be nurturing and caring. Pay attention to any negative responses that the child may feel, especially if there is abuse in their history. A child who is hypersensitive to touch may think that others are hurting them when randomly touched or bumped by others. Try to understand what is really happening, separating out the child’s body reactions and feelings from the actual event. For instance, if the caregiver hugs the child and it feels annoying or irritating to the child, try to understand that the touch they are giving is intended as loving. Help the child tell family and friends how to approach them in a way that feels better to their nervous system.
n. Watch for sensory overload: Keep a log of behaviors that occur when introducing tactile activities. Watch for any changes in the child’s sleep patterns or activity level. Tactile stimulation affects the nervous system for at least one-half hour afterward. Sometimes tactile stimulation can be felt in the body for hours later. The skin may feel tingly or itchy far after engaging in a touch experience. Watch for unusual behaviors, such as a wish to self-harm or scratch the skin, rapid breathing, sweating or flushing, destructiveness, problems sleeping, or extreme restlessness. These are symptoms of overarousal of the autonomic nervous system. If the child experiences negative effects from tactile stimulation, have him rock slowly in a chair, have someone apply firm pressure on his back or he can hold his own abdomen, applying firm pressure, and look at something visually interesting and distracting while listening to relaxing music.
2. Activities for children who are undersensitive to touch:
a. Registering being touched. Registering touch is the central issue for persons who are undersensitive to touch. In essence, they are touched but don’t feel it. If the child has this problem, he will need to have tactile experiences that are intense and vigorous. The stimulation needs to be done by combining touch with another sensory channel—movement, auditory, or visual to help the child “feel” the touch, thus imprinting the sensation in more than one way. It is useful if the child moves his body while engaging in a task that gives high intensity tactile input. For example, the child may squeeze or mold resistive putty or clay in their hands. Using electric powered tools like a power sander to refinish wood or using a hand held mixer to mix cookie dough is another example.
b. Make the touch experience intense. Vibration and traction are helpful for this problem. Some children like hanging from a suspended bar, or touching vibrating objects in their hands. The child can have someone pull on his ankles or wrists while lying down to be “stretched.” Some children like it when other people shake or jiggle their trunk.
c. Pay attention to incidents when the child might hurt himself. Some children who are undersensitive to touch may accidentally or purposefully injure themselves to feel their body. Some children engage in self-abusive behaviors, such as hitting their head, biting their nails, cutting their skin, pulling out their eyelashes, or other self-injurious types of behavior. If this is happening, institute a daily regime, several times/day whereby the child or caregiver applies light touch, stroking the areas that the child tends to “injure.” This provides a different kind of sensory feedback to the body part rather than the harmful stimulation that he might otherwise do. Use moist tissues or a paintbrush dipped in water and stroke the body part, or use massage lotion on the part the child tends to pick at or hurt.
d. It’s not always a simple problem of undersensitivity. The child who is underreactive to touch often has sensitivities to touch as well. He may need to do the activities in the first section of this tool sheet as well.
3
Moving for Mood Regulation and Sleep
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Everybody needs opportunities for active movement. It’s very important, not only for physical health, but it helps to regulate sleep and mood.
1. If the child is aversive or fearful of movement, begin with simple movement activities to stimulate the vestibular receptors in the brain (inner ear mechanism that process movement). Rocking in a forward–back or side-to-side movement in a rocker, glider chair, or hammock swing are good for children who are sensitive to movement or don’t like to move. Start gradually and do movement that is close to the ground.
2. Movement should have a purpose. Without a reason to move, movement stimulation can be disorganizing. Always come up with a goal like jumping on a trampoline for 10 minutes or playing soccer.
3. Incorporate vision with movement. When children are sensitive to movement, they should look with their eyes at a target while moving. For example, while rocking in a chair, look at a book; or if riding a bike, the child should look ahead at where they are going.
4. Vary movement in direction, arc, speed, and velocity. Try to vary the movement that is introduced to the child so that it occurs in all different planes of movement (forward–back, side–side, up–down) and with the body in different positions (head upright, body tilting sideways, or body upside down). Gymnastic ball exercises, mini-trampolines, bicycles, dancing, yoga and tai chi are some examples of movement activities that provide a range of movement.
5. The child should exercise at least 4–5 times per week for 30–45 minutes each time. For its best impact on mood and sleep, exercise should be done regularly and preferably in the morning or afternoon.
6. Encourage the child to get motivated and plan movement activities with other people. It is useful to plan activities that give the child a new challenge for movement and are done with other people. The child can take up a new sport or movement skill like tap dancing, roller-skating, or golf.
7. The child should try tai chi, chi gong, or yoga to relax. These forms of exercise incorporate breathe flow with movement and are especially useful to help anxiety and mood regulation. Here are a few simple exercises to try with the child. Stand with feet apart, facing forward. Lift the arms, keeping the elbows straight and wrists and hands limp up to shoulder level. Then bend the elbows, keeping the wrists still limp. When the hands are in front of the shoulders, then raise the fingers up pointing toward the ceiling as if the hands were running down a wall, lowering the hands to the hips. Do these three movements gracefully, breathing in as the person raises their arms, exhaling as they bend their elbows, then inhale as the hands trail down the imaginary wall. Finally exhale as the person pauses to begin the movement all over again. Repeat this sequence about 20 times. It’s very useful to do this movement as the child gazes at a beautiful picture, a vase, or a serene scene. Empty all thoughts out of the head. Another relaxing pose to try is downward facing dog. Lie prone on the floor (face-down), and push up onto the hands so that the buttock is high, hands and feet firmly planted on the ground. Hold the pose for 1–2 minutes or longer if possible, breathing deeply.
4
Improving Attention Span
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
1. Modify the environment:
a. Organize objects at home and work in clearly defined bins.
b. Limit number of objects available at any one time. Do one project at a time, finishing the task before moving on. When baking, set out all ingredients for a recipe before starting to cook.
c. Encourage putting objects away when the child finishes using them to avoid visual clutter.
d. Do work in a space that helps the child concentrate—a room with sparse furniture in it, good lighting, and windows to look out at greenery.
e. When in a busy environment, sit alongside a wall or by a corner of the room.
f. Sit in a large sling chair, rocker, glider chair or beanbag chair for reading activities.
2. Engage in daily recreational activities that organize the body and mind:
a. Do daily movement activities, such as biking, yoga, horseback riding, dancing, or a team sport.
b. Sit on a swing, swivel chair, or rocker chair for a movement break.
c. Avoid vigorous movement activities at night to prepare the body for sleep.
3. Use organizing auditory stimulation:
a. Play Gregorian chants, Mozart, and music with female vocalists as background music.
b. Some children respond well to New Age music or relaxing music tapes with environmental sounds like waterfalls or bird sounds. Hemi-Sync music is especially helpful for auditory hypersensitivities, agitated emotional states, and inattention. This music consists of specially blended frequencies to guide the person into focused states of consciousness that relieve stress and emotional blockages (available from www.pfot.com).
c. Some children need to wear headsets that muffle or earplugs that screen out noise.
d. Carpeting in the room may help to minimize extraneous noise.
4. Organize visual input for better processing:
a. Keep objects in organized locations. Put labels on where they go so that the child can return things to the proper location when finished using them.
b. Make daily lists of tasks to do, things to shop for, and daily schedules. Post these on a bulletin board or a central place where the child won’t lose it.
5. Determine when the child is most alert and aroused versus calm and organized:
a. What time of day is the child’s most alert period (most children are morning or evening persons)? Try to do things that require quiet concentration during those times.
b. Some children need to move around frequently at home or school so schedule in movement breaks to control restlessness
c. Before a focused cognitive task, do activities that provide body movement for 5 minutes. Here are some ideas: Squeeze a stress ball, do a set of floor exercises, or have the child get ice water down the hall. Have a small snack of crunchy hard foods (hard pretzels, rice cakes, ice chips, carrot sticks, or apples.)
d. Before bedtime, do a relaxing calming routine to include:
– Warm bath
– Back massage and pressure to palms, especially web space of thumb because this is the acupressure point to slow heart beat and respiration
– Do forward–back rocking while reading, looking at pictures, or listening to rhythmic soft music
e. Lie under a heavy quilt or warm blanket.
f. Dim the room lights and light candles.
6. Learn to use self-talk skills:
There is a little “voice in the head” that most of us use to guide our actions. Many children with ADHD don’t use self-talk to help them. Help the child learn to narrate what he is doing to learn this skill.
7. Visualize the final product:
Visualization can be done in motor activities very easily. “Picture the ball landing on the goal,” now make it happen.
Draw out what the final product will look like.
8. Learn to become better organized:
Write a list of the steps in a task or project and check them off as the child completes them. Be sure the time frame is realistic for the task. Break the task down in increments that can be completed in the time that is available. Each part of the task should have a distinct beginning and end so that the child will feel a sense of satisfaction of completion, even if it is only part of the task.
If the child has problems moving on in tasks or keeping track of time, use a timing device to signal him that it is time to move on to either the next thing on the list or next step in the sequence.
9. Be consistent in routines:
a. Use calendars, signal watches, alarms, and timers to keep the child on time and in the right place at the right time.
b. Set up a daily routine when the child will do certain daily tasks like chores, schoolwork, practicing an instrument and stick to it.
– Work on flexibility gradually within routines, changing just one thing at a time.
5
Distractions for Emotional Regulation
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
Distraction is an important tool to use when one is trying to redirect thoughts and feelings that may be destructive or ineffective. In addition, distraction can be useful in changing mood. The child needs to realize that when he is feeling sad, irritable or anxious, there are things that will make him feel better.
1. Distractions
Be physical! Ideally a distraction will be active since physically doing something helps us reorient our thoughts and feelings. Physical exercise is particularly important as a mood changer when the child is feeling depressed or down. For those who are feeling anxious and agitated, a repetitive activity like knitting or beading can be soothing.
Redirect the child’s attention! Turn the child’s thoughts in another direction. If he chooses to use music or movies as a distraction, be careful that he is not enhancing the mood he is trying to change. Pick something which is life embracing and positive to look at, read, or do. If he is anxious, choose a funny comedy that will make him laugh. If he wants to stay under the covers, pick something that will interest and activate him like a movie thriller, a detective story, or playing with the puppy. Pick distractions that encourage the mood he needs to achieve.
Be future oriented! Make a list of things that are important to the child that he would like to see happen in his life. For instance, time with family and friends, being healthy in his body and mind, having a nice home environment, having creative outlets, and traveling to new and interesting places might be some things he would like to have happen.
Schedule activities, ideally with others. Set some goals for the child and make the time for these to happen. Find the time and energy to engage in healthy distracting activities that will improve self-esteem and emotional balance. Here are a few other ideas that may help:
• Time with family: Make Sunday dinnertime a special event; instigate a family game night; go on an outing to the zoo or a cultural event on the weekend.
• Do something to improve physical and emotional health: Take up a yoga class, go hiking or biking, join a gym.
• Develop creative outlets: Do sketching or painting, story writing, sewing or embroidering, practice a musical instrument, or go dancing.
• Improve the home environment: Redecorate a bedroom, paint a picture for the wall, or declutter.
• Make time for friends: Call or text a friend and plan a weekly play date or participate in an activities group, book club, cooking club, chess club, or sporting group.
• Do something soothing: Read a book, listen to a book on tape, listen to music, complete a jig-saw puzzle, play a computer game, or watch a movie.
• Plan travel: Pick a place to go camping, to go visit on the weekend, or plan a vacation travel to get a change of scenery.
• Engage in spiritual activity: Go to church or synagogue or participate in a Bible study group.
• Engage in activities that help others: soup kitchen, big brother, little league, or take a meal to a shut-in.
6
Positive Self-Talk
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
Sometimes people get into a groove of negativity, which influences what they believe about themselves, events in their life, and other people. Sometimes they have recurrent thoughts that tell them to do things that don’t make much sense, such as checking something over and over again or telling themselves how worthless they are.
What the child thinks affects how he feels which affects what he does and this has consequences. The trigger may be that someone criticizes him because he hasn’t gotten the project done. He thinks “I am a failure!” The feeling of sadness and incompetence takes over. He acts by avoiding the person and shutting down, becoming more immobile. The consequence is that nothing gets done and the person who criticized him initially thinks he is right about the child. Here is another example of different ways the same event can play out.
| Trigger | Thought | Feeling | Action | Consequence |
| Teacher wants to meet with you | I have done something wrong | Angry | Refuse to go | Teacher thinks I am a problem student |
| Teacher wants to meet with you | I might be getting promoted to advanced math | Happy | Eagerly go to his office | Teacher thinks I am responsive and competent |
| Teacher wants to meet with you | He is reviewing my report card | Scared | Choke back tears as I walk to the office | Teacher thinks I am too emotional |
| Teacher wants to meet with you | He wants me to redo a major project | Anxious | Go but am quiet and withdrawn | Teacher thinks I don’t measure up |
1. How to help change the child’s thoughts from negative to positive?
This takes active practice and requires the child to stop their thought immediately after it has happened and rehearse mindfully a new script. It is very important to catch himself in the moment when a negative cognition happens and reframe it to positive.
Instead of: “I am so stupid, I don’t know what to say.”
Try: “I don’t know what to say right now, but I think I can come up with something good to contribute.”
Or.
Instead of: “My brother can be so mean and controlling; he never lets me do anything without his permission.”
Try: "I need to really explain to my brother why this is so important to me and how he can support me.”
Reframe events in the child’s life so that he is in charge. Often children feel that bad things happen to them and that they are at the mercy of other people or bad events. For instance, the child may feel that others disapprove of them or are mean to them or that nothing good comes their way. Concentrate on the facts of the situation and focus on something positive that he can do to make the situation or interaction better.
Create more opportunities for positive thinking in the child’s life. The child might catch himself saying, “How stupid that I forgot to bring my computer disk to school today! I really needed it for the project I am working on.” Then correct himself and say, “I must be more tired than I realized. I forgot to pack the computer. Tonight I’ll go to bed earlier.” Try to reframe negative thought to something productive.
Practice admiring oneself. We don’t always have positive regard from other people in our lives. Take stock everyday of what one has done that is positive and rewarding. Perhaps the child was very kind to a stranger and made their day. Maybe he set the table for the family or did a thoughtful thing for his mother when she came home tired from work. Coach the child to be their own cheerleader.
Plan something positive for tomorrow. Think ahead of what the child can do actively to take charge of her life. Make sure something good will happen the next day, even if she anticipates a stressful day ahead of her. Do not wish time away. Create 20 minutes per day for something pleasurable that the child can count on.
7
Mindfulness: Stilling the Mind
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
The tradition of mindfulness is an ancient one. People have long sought to escape the frustrations of the day by focusing on something outside of oneself whether for spiritual reasons or as a path for restoring calm and relaxation to the body and inner self. Through mindfulness, we gain a sense of perspective on our lives and a sense of peace.
There are three principles that should guide the practice of stilling the mind.
• Concentrate all of one’s effort on doing one thing at a time. Immerse oneself in the activity and shut out all other random thoughts. If another thought enters the mind that is off-topic, let it go.
• Be nonjudgmental about how the child is doing the activity. Don’t evaluate or pass judgment about the quality or quantity of what he is doing. The purpose of stilling the mind is to quiet the agitation he experiences day in, day out and to reset his circuits to be more available to enjoy life. This is not a competition.
• What works for the child to help still his mind? Notice how the child’s nervous system works and try to figure out what he responds best to. Pay attention to when he feels calmest and most organized. Do more of those kinds of activities.
The following are some ideas about how the child can refocus from an agitated state to a sense of calm and well-being.
1. Hold a parent, a sibling, or pet so that the child can feel your heart rate and breathing against their heartbeat. Try humming a calm, repetitive pattern of sound.
2. Have someone slowly rub the child’s back. Concentrate all thoughts on relaxing, paying attention to nothing but the massage.
3. Retrain the breathing from erratic, shallow breathing to slow, rhythmic abdominal breathing. Lie on the back and try to relax the entire body. Place a weighted object like a large beanbag on the abdomen. Then begin breathing, counting to three as the child breathes in and count to three as he breathes out. As random thoughts enter the child’s head, put them on a conveyor belt headed for short-term storage.
4. Sing a calming song.
5. Ring a bell, chime, or tuning fork. Listen to the sound. Try to stay in the moment and concentrate on nothing but the sound. Let the sound soothe the body and mind. Let the sound give space to focus on what needs to happen now. Let the sound fill the mind and heart with peace and love. Let the sound send a message to someone the child is missing. Let the sound surround the child with a bubble of safety and protection.
6. Say a prayer or chant. Listen to Gregorian chants or whatever music works for the child. Let the sounds fill the child’s entire focus.
7. Think of an image that has meaning and invokes a state of peace and contentment. Examples might include sitting on the beach listening to the waves, slow dancing, looking out at a mountain scene, or riding a horse. Try to think of the image with as many details as possible—the sights, the sounds, the smells, and the tactile sensations.
8. Find a calming or joyous piece of music that the child likes and play it.
9. Draw a picture or color a Mandala. There are coloring books that you he can use with Sharpie pens or colored pencils.
10. Make a list of all the things that the child is grateful for. Then slowly think about each one so that the child brings them alive in his mind. Keep the list by the bed to look at just before going to sleep.
11. Do a walking meditation where one looks at the beauty of nature. Take a walk and pause to look at a butterfly, or touch a leaf or smell a flower or the scent of pine. Be mindful of just that moment and put other thoughts out of the mind.
12. Think of the self as surrounded by a “ball of love” or a “beam of sunshine.” Feel the positive energy inside. Each time the child breathes in, feel that energy get bigger and bigger. As the child thinks these thoughts, engage in slow, deep breathing.
13. Find a quiet place where there will have no interruptions for about 30 minutes. Relax your body, then think of a time in one’s life that bothers the child. Recall what the younger self might have experienced at the time. Then imagine the wiser self-giving advice to the younger self. How would the child help that younger self? What would the child do differently? How would the wiser self protect the younger self? Offer love and support to that younger self. When the child is ready, return to the present and think of what he knows now. “You can heal yourself” is a good mantra.
14. Become more aware of those moments in each day where the child is doing what he wants to do and feeling good about it. Capture these “This is as good as it gets” moments either in a journal and/or camera so that he can reflect back and remember the calm, centered feeling that he experienced.
8
Systematic Relaxation: Stilling the Body
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
Whenever the child feels tense, nervous, or upset, the muscles in the body can get tight. When the child is having fun or is doing something calming, the muscles relax and feel loose. One way to help muscles relax is by alternating between tensing them, then relaxing them.
Find a quiet place to practice. Set aside 15 minutes to do this. A good time to do progressive relaxation is before bedtime or whenever the child feels tense or stressed. Here are instructions for progressive relaxation.
1. The starting position
Lie on a soft comforter on your bed on your back. Let yourself sink into the comforter. Close your eyes and start to take deep breaths. Count slowly to three as you take in a deep breathe, pause and hold your breathe for a moment, then let the breathe out slowly to the count of three. (This can also be done sitting in a chair. If you do this, make sure that both feet are on the floor and you are sitting in an upright position.)
2. Toes
Start by relaxing your toes. Tense your toes by curling them as tight as you can, holding the tension for 5 seconds, then relax your toes. Do it again and count to five. Relax your toes a little more each time.
3. Legs
Now relax your legs. Lift your legs up into the air, hold them there for the count of five, then let your legs drop like they are very heavy. Do it again. This time drop your legs as if they were pieces of limp spaghetti.
4. Stomach
Relax your stomach by contracting it as tight as you can, pulling it in for the count of three while you hold your breath. Now relax and let your breath out slowly. Repeat this again.
5. Back
Lift your arms in the air, holding them stiffly in the air for 5 seconds. Then let them drop like wet noodles. Try it again. Now rest your hands on your lap.
6. Shoulders
Stretch your arms up in the air, reaching high overhead. Keep your arms up there, spreading your fingers and holding them there for 5 seconds. Now let them drop to your body sides. Take a deep breath and do the whole thing again.
7. Arms
Pretend you have a squishy ball in each hand. Squeeze the balls as hard as you can for 5 seconds. Then relax your hands. Try it again.
8. Neck
Let’s relax your neck. Bring your neck down into your shoulders. Hold it there for 5 seconds, then stretch your head out. Take a deep breath. Do it again.
9. Jaw
Now relax your face. Smile as big as you can. Hold it for 5 seconds. Let your smile go back to normal. Do another big smile and hold it. Now relax. Then close your teeth together, biting as hard as you can. Now relax. Open your mouth as wide as possible. Hold this for 5 seconds, then slowly close your mouth. Take a big sighing breathe.
10. Nose
Relax your nose. Wiggle your nose side to side as if there were a bug on it. Stop and relax.
11. Eyes
Close your eyes as tight as you can. Hold it for 5 seconds. Now relax and open your eyes wide. Try it again.
12. Forehead
Now wrinkle up your forehead like you are very surprised about something. Pull your eyebrows up toward your head. Hold it for 5 seconds. Let your eyebrows drop down to a relaxed place. Do it again.
13. Ending up completely relaxed
Pretend you are lying in a beautiful rainbow of colors. Let your arms float up into the air to move through the colors. Roll a little side-to-side inside the rainbow. Let your body feel completely relaxed. Take some slow deep breaths. With each exhalation, say the word “relax.”
9
Validation
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
Everyone needs to feel that other people understand them, that others are on their side and see their strengths. This is particularly true when there is conflict and the child might behave in ways that set other people off. Validation is the way that the child seeks feedback from others, to feel that others understand their point of view and that they resonate to the distress the child feels. In order to move forward to more productive behaviors, validation helps to feel that others believe in us. Others may not be able to validate certain actions that the child makes, especially if they are out-of-line, but the child can seek validation for the distress he feels and get other’s support to do something more helpful to him and others in the future. Validation is a useful tool to help the child calm down and start to think about the consequences of his actions.
1. How to offer validation
1. Find something good in the situation. The child may have his heart in the right place, but perhaps things didn’t go as he expected. Others may be critical of his actions or may think that what he feels is irrational or out-of-line for the situation. Others may not agree with their perception of what he did or said, but what the child needs is to feel others understand his point of view and what he was trying to accomplish. For example, Gwen routinely came home from school very tense and anxious. Her way to self-soothe was to rearrange all the bric-a-brac in the house and move furniture, much to her mother’s dismay. Her mother would become very upset with her and would usually yell, “Why do you have to mess up the house every day after school?” The end result would be Gwen running out into the neighborhood crying. She was upset by her mother’s yelling and felt misunderstood. Once her mother understood that Gwen needed to relax and do something ritualistic to soothe her anxiety, she was able to validate Gwen’s need to discharge tension after school in this way. Instead of yelling, her mother would respond “You are a natural born decorator. How about if today you rearrange the furniture in your doll house to calm yourself? Here are some pieces of fabric that you can cut for curtains and rugs to decorate the doll house.”
2. Validate how the child is feeling. It is important to accept the reality of felt emotions. How the child feels is important to recognize, even if the other person does not feel the same way. For example, Michael had longstanding problems with motivation and depression. His father could not understand why Michael was so fatigued all the time and he became enraged when he would come home from school and either sleep or play video games most of the afternoon. Instead of having this go on as an unspoken battleground and point of resentment for both of them, Michael learned to approach his father for validation. He said, “I know that you are angry with me that I spend the afternoon sleeping or playing video games when I should be doing school work. It is the wrong thing to do, but I have a problem with depression and motivation and I need help to get started on school work. I feel like such a failure and think about quitting school. I need you to understand my struggle day in, day out.” If the child can first describe to others how he is feeling, the parents and child can later discuss what can be done to improve the situation. If the child can’t speak up for themselves, others in the family can observe aloud in a nonjudgmental way what they are noticing in the child’s behavior or mood.
3. Be concrete and stick to the specifics. When the child tells others how he feels, help the child to make a list of what he wants others to know and understand about him. Try to keep it short and simple with specific examples of how he is affected by his problem. Avoid escalating the discussion with judgmental words or accusations. Begin statements with “I need…,” “I worry about…,” “I get angry when…” rather than attacking words beginning with “You should…”
4. Be available to listen to others in the family to hear their point of view. Take a deep breathe and allow in what they have to say. Pause long enough to hear what they say and try to keep calm. Try to understand their perspective and that it is different from yours.
5. Listen. The caregiver or child should repeat what the other person has said to show that they are hearing the message accurately. Be responsive so that the other person knows that the person is interested and hearing what he is saying. Practice active listening by reflecting back what the person just said to you. “It seems that you are thinking that…” or “I’m wondering if what you mean is ….”
6. Articulate underlying thoughts or feelings as the caregiver discovers what the child is expressing. “I was humiliated when once again my mother commented on how much weight I had gained since last Christmas. She said it in front of the whole family. That really made me very angry.” Be willing to back off when others tell the child that he is absolutely wrong, or they try to minimize what the child said. “Oh, you look just fine. Your mother is crazy saying you gained weight.” There are times that the other person in the family is not in a place to hear the child’s pain or to process their emotions. Sometimes the child needs to say how he feels to several different people in his life before he hits the jackpot and gets the feedback he is looking for to validate how painful something must have been for him.
7. Put the situation in context. A mother might say to her teenaged son, “It was really important for me to talk with my friend last night because her dad just died. I’m sorry that you wanted me to drive you to the basketball game, but I had to be there for Amanda.”
8. Normalizing helps to handle strong emotions. “Many people have had a flood in their house and have gotten through the loss of valuable possessions.” “It is upsetting not to be invited to Marie’s birthday party since you have been long-time friends, but they had a limited budget.”
9. Radical acceptance. The child’s predicament may or may not be unique to him, but it is happening to him right now in his life. The child will somehow have to find a way to accept this, struggle through the pain, and move on. Caregivers should try not to be judgmental of their child if they don’t understand how difficult it is for the child. Always remember that the goal is to get to a place where the parents and child can problem solve productive actions to help get through the emotional pain or problem. As part of radical acceptance, it helps to get support from others who have been through similar situations, losses, or emotional distress to tolerate what the parents and child are going through.
10. Give time and space to process the child’s emotions. As emotions have a shelf life and ebb and flow to different spaces, some more painful than others, try to tolerate the passage of time, giving the parents and child space to let the emotions evolve into a better place. Do nothing when there is the impulse to act irrationally. Try to avoid people who give ultimatums when caught up in the emotion of the situation. When in doubt, defer discussion to a later time.
10
Finding Pleasure and Making Connections
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
When a person has emotional strife and is emotionally unregulated, they often have little to no pleasure in their daily life. Due to their emotional volatility or depressed or anxious mood, they may have difficulty making and sustaining friendships and close connections with others. The goal is to help the child experience pleasure and to feel connected and understood by others. Children need to take time to play, create, and experience the moment. It is also very powerful for a child to learn a new skill. Developing a new competence can ignite motivation and pleasure in one’s life.
Several principles will help to make interactions between parent and child successful.
1. Your goal is to create time to be with your child in a predictable manner. Try to make time at least 20 or 30 minutes a day for a meaningful connection. This may be hard to achieve with the demands of everyday life.
2. Set the stage for the time you spend with your child by picking a fun activity or a serene place to sit and talk. Try hard not to be too task oriented, but to allow the task to be secondary to the interaction you are having with one another. Try to absorb the time you have with your child, feeling satisfaction, pleasure, love, or fun. This time should be meaningful to both of you.
3. During this time, put aside telephone calls, worries about doing some household task, and try not to attend to other members of the family. Tell people that you don’t want to be interrupted for half an hour while you are enjoying time with the child you are spending time with.
4. This special time may consist of lying next to your child in bed at the end of the day and listening to your child talk about anything that is on his mind. You may be simply rubbing your child’s back for 5 minutes and not talking at all. The importance of this time is for you to be completely present in the moment, soaking in your interactions with your child.
5. Not all interactions go smoothly and sometimes spending time with your child is not always satisfying. Pay attention to the emotions that get stirred up in you when you make time for these connections with your child. You might feel that your child didn’t listen to you as you shared a personal story, that he seemed preoccupied. You might feel that once again, your child’s frenetic energy was exhausting to you. Or you might feel that your child had so much on his mind that you couldn’t get a word in edge-wise. Try to slow yourself down, listen and respond to your child and take whatever pleasure you can from being with him.
6. A major goal of this time of pleasure and connection is for you to slow down, breathe in life’s moments, and remove all judgmental thoughts of “I should be doing this or that right now.” It is an open-ended time just for you and your child to refuel with your relationship.
11
Creating Positive Life Experiences
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
As children grow up, they love to play and it is through play that they learn. The concept of play is a time to create, to imagine, and to experience a sense of competence by mastery. For children who are easily agitated and dysregulated, having fun in activities provides additional advantages. Positive experiences can be a distraction from fears, worries, and irritations and it can also be a calming activity.
There are several principles that guide creating positive emotions. Here are some things to think about as you try to increase positive events in your child’s life.
• Do one thing every day that is positive for your child.
• Make a list of positive activities that you want to do with one another. Have your child think of something that he has longed to learn or wishes to become. Seize the opportunity and start making that new beginning happen for him. It may be taking up a new hobby or sport or enrolling in a course on a topic of interest to him.
• Encourage your child to reach out to friends and make contacts with people; try to overcome how hard it is to initiate the friendship and repair past grievances.
• Say in your mind that your child deserves something positive in his life.
• Practice a half-smile and lifting the shoulders and neck as your child engages in positive activities. This will give the body positive feedback and communicate to others that he is enjoying himself. It is a very powerful positive circuit that reinforces both the child’s nervous system and provides feedback to others.
The following list of activities is designed to get you thinking about activities that you and your child might enjoy. Mark down which things both of you are willing to try and those that will be enjoyable.
Exercise is a good mood stabilizer. Consider these activities:
1. playing on a sports team, such as baseball and basketball
2. martial arts, such as Tae Kwon Do and Judo
3. dance (including ballet, jazz, tap, square dancing, folk dancing)
4. hiking or walking in nature
5. biking
6. skiing
7. swimming, kayaking, or boating
8. yoga or tai chi
Family adventures or activities with close friends have the potential of creating a sense of closeness and support in a hopefully undemanding way.
1. family trips to interesting locations
2. outdoor adventures of camping, hiking, canoeing
3. a mini-vacation of a day trip to a farm, lake, or museum
4. a spontaneous picnic
5. an outing just to pick apples or collect fall leaves
6. outings to amusement parks
7. watching an outdoor concert
8. rituals are wonderful and important. Try to create some, such as going to the first football game of the season
1. Activities with friends and family at home
1. cooking together: an Italian feast or chili contest,
2. a game evening: board games like Scrabble, Monopoly, card games like Uno for young children or card games for older children,
3. movie night: rent a movie and have a dinner of popcorn, apples, and cheese,
4. decorate the house or front door for a holiday,
5. craft projects: making necklaces, valentines, or a model train track,
6. planting a garden,
7. designing a bedroom … or picking out a lamp or bedspread,
8. reading a story or book to the whole family,
9. sharing in religious practices together,
10. figuring out a pleasant surprise for someone you care about.
Solitary pursuits are a wonderful way to center and have fun.
1. doing a jigsaw puzzle
2. sewing a new outfit
3. playing a computer game
4. listening to a tape of a favorite song or story
5. reading
6. playing Sudoku
7. drawing or coloring
8. doing crossword puzzles
9. playing a card game like Solitaire
10. collecting—stamps, coins, shells … you name it
11. caring for a pet
12. playing a musical instrument
13. writing a poem or a story
14. cooking or baking
12
Thinking With a Clear Mind
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
Often when a child is emotionally unregulated, they get stuck on certain thoughts that may upset them. These automatic thoughts keep running through their mind and may be distorted or negative. Sometimes these thoughts get installed in early childhood or through traumatic experiences. A child may get stuck on a personal flaw in his character or what he should have done, obsessing about this one detail over and over again. A child may dismiss the good things that have happened to them, focusing instead on only the negative. Or the child may be constantly thinking of what catastrophe is about to befall them, making things worse than they actually are. There are all kinds of negative thoughts that can derail a person from regretting something, comparing oneself to others in an unfavorable light, or blaming oneself or others for oversights. Here is how to start changing the negative thought pattern that can happen.
1. Write down the facts about an upsetting situation from the past, present, or future. If possible, check the facts with a friend or family member. Sometimes when we are upset we distort reality. Next to each of the facts, write down how it made the child feel (i.e., sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, shamed). Then rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how intense the feeling is for the child (10 being the worst).
| Facts of situation | How you felt about it | Intensity of feeling |
2. Analyze the thoughts. How realistic is the child’s thought? How much of it is a distortion? What keeps going around and around in his mind and bothers him? Now write down a reasonable response as if the child was talking back to himself. For example, try to imagine on a good day what the child might have said to his “other self” that might be more reasonable. Or ask the child to imagine himself 10 years from now speaking to his younger self. What advice might he give himself? What is unrealistic about the way he is thinking?
3. Interrupt stressful thoughts. Often people who have negative thoughts cannot stop ruminating on them. These stressful thoughts disrupt the flow of healthier thinking. Set a timer for 5 minutes and allow the child to think about what stresses him out about the situation. Write down the thoughts so he can capture exactly what is upsetting to him. When the timer rings, say “Stop!” Some people find it helpful to pinch themselves or snap a rubber band worn on their wrist if they catch themselves slipping back into negative thinking after the allotted 5 minutes. The child may also visualize a stop sign in his head. Try to train the mind to go blank.
4. Practice a new narrative with the child. Rehearse a positive script with the child that focuses on the next time he has a similar upsetting situation. He should force himself to stay positive and stop any judgmental comments.
5. Rate how the child feels again about the event that initially bothered him. How much does he believe what he initially thought about the problem? Does he feel any different now that he has thought through a more reasonable way to approach himself or the problem? Rate the intensity of his emotions that he felt at the beginning. Are they any different now?
13
Increasing Personal Effectiveness
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
Everyone needs to know that there are consequences for their actions, but at the same time one wants to retain some self respect and not feel like they are a failure or that they will be rejected. When one wants to stop doing a certain behavior cold, he may need to impose a consequence on himself. Ideally, natural consequences work best. These steps will help guide you in the right direction.
1. What is your child doing that is ineffective that you want to change?
When Emma would come home from school after a long day with after school activities, she would often feel grumpy and overwrought. She would yell at her sister and parents and refuse to do her homework.
Describe in specific behavioral terms what is wrong with this interaction. In the case of Emma, “There is a problem. Emma is overscheduled and has no down time in her day. She has responsibilities to do her school work and participate in the family activities, but her behavior is making everyone in the family is unhappy.” Note that you are trying to simply stick to the facts.
2. Listen to the people in your life to get feedback
Sometimes your child and other family members can give you insight into what they think about the problem in a new way. Maybe Emma’s parents would be happy to have the teenage girl down the street help her with homework. Perhaps they rotate her chores during the school week so that more of her home responsibilities can happen on the weekend. Maybe everyone is so rushed and frantic that there is no fun or pleasure in this family, thus creating even more tension than there needs to be.
3. Observe your limits
Explain why this is a problem for you. Emma may learn to express the following with coaching from her parents: “I really need 15 minutes when I get home to sit in the glider chair and relax. Then I will be ready to start homework and help set the table. If I can’t have that refuel time, I know I will be grouchy.”
4. Avoid all categorical statements
Try not to say anything that is a put down. Emma needs coaching to learn not to yell at her parents or sister. Her old pattern was to say things like, “All you do is yell at me to get my homework done and get to bed on time. It’s your fault that I stay up late trying to get it all done!” Why? Such statements may feel right at that moment, but they rarely help make the other people in the family respond in ways that are helpful. In fact, when other people hear words, such as “inappropriate, lazy, messy, careless, irresponsible, disappointing, stupid, hopeless, clueless,” they tend to get embarrassed, dig in and become even more trying. At worst, the other person internalizes these words as a judgment on what kind of person he is which results in a major blow to his self-esteem.
5. Consequences
If the behavior is chronic and serious and you feel your child’s behavior needs to stop, come up with a natural consequence for him. Avoid making decisions when all parties are upset. “We will discuss this in the morning!” can calm the situation and have a sobering effect. Take a reasonable break, calm down, and think through a solution for both you and your child.
6. Natural consequences
Whenever possible, natural consequences work best. If Emma yells at her family when she gets home from school and she doesn’t do her school and home responsibilities, then she should lose TV or computer privileges, no dessert after dinner, or she loses an opportunity to do a desired activity because she spent their time arguing instead of helping out. The goal is to have a consequence that helps to repair at least some of the damage. For example, if Emma yells at her parents, then she has to reset the interaction and tell a funny story about her day at bedtime to help relax her and end the day on the right foot.
7. Doing a repair
Sometimes the child needs to do a repair, which requires that he do something for the person who has been hurt in some way by his actions. The parent may need to figure out what the child should do to reset the relationship in a positive way. This requires thinking about the child in his own terms and trying to empathize with him so that he can learn what is important to others in the family who might have been hurt by his actions. Sometimes children need this modeled for them by all family members doing random acts of kindness for one another on a daily basis to create the atmosphere of reciprocity and repair for past hurts.
14
Observing Limits
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
When you observe your own limits, you are simply saying what you can or cannot do and establishing clear boundaries so that you function better. Observing limits means that you are putting a structure in place for the benefit of yourself, the people you live with or your children. By doing this, you are able to be a more effective person and provide the order and stability that you and your family, friends, and children need.
Steps to follow in observing limits:
1. Goal
Figure out what your goal is. What is the issue and what do you want to have happen? For example, Rita had a hoarding problem and her family was placing great pressure on her to stop collecting things like dolls, hoarding things for future art projects, and stacking pictures of things throughout the house. Her parent’s goal was to limit active hoarding of new objects and to begin sorting through things in the house to throw out.
2. Observing limits
Define your limits in specific behavioral terms.
Rita’s parents defined her hoarding problem in two behavioral terms. One was to stop bringing in new objects into the house unless they approved of the acquisition. Second, they wanted to clear the living room of the mess she had created over the years so that her family could watch TV and read without clutter on furniture and the floor.
3. Provide validation for the child’s efforts to change and inquire how they feel as changes are made.
Signal your child how she can start working on her problem. Taking charge of the problem is very difficult and it will require everyone’s patience and support. Let your child know how you feel as they move through the process of change. Alert them to your goals for that week. Be specific.
4. Observe your own limits
This is about what will work for the child and the family. We need a plan that works for everyone, not just for the parents or the child. For example, Rita discussed how she was planning to approach her hoarding problem to the family and let them know that she couldn’t tackle her whole doll collection all at once. Her limit was to focus on containing the problem to the living room in the house and to work hard to inhibit new acquisitions. She had to fight the impulse to buy more art supplies and dolls. Her parents agreed to begin with the living room as a starting point.
5. Evaluate the child’s efforts as he moves along in the process
Try the plan for several weeks and decide if it is working. If the child is continuing to have a problem, you may need to change the goal or introduce consequences to the child or to seek additional supports from others to make the plan work. For example, Rita did very well for the first week of her program, but quickly reverted back to her old ways. We had to set up a self-monitoring system that involved photographing the living room once per week to see the progress she was making. In therapy, she brought boxes of pictures, dolls, and other items into her session to figure out how to sort and let go of things in the boxes. Her parents decided that the consequence would be that a part of the room would be cleared by them once per week if she didn’t meet her goals. This was a win–win situation for his family.
Here are a few more examples to help you make a plan to observe limits.
• Example one: The child stops off at the convenience store on his way home from school and eats junk food.
• Goal: To eat healthy and avoid overeating.
• Observing limits: You say to your child, “I’ll pack you an apple in your back pack to curb your appetite after school and if you can do that, you can eat dessert after dinner,” rather than, “You did it again! You pigged out and ended up eating greasy junk food.”
• Validate your child: “You are really hungry when you finish a long day at school and it helps you to relax and unwind if you have a snack.”
• Determine your own limits: “My child is gaining weight, feels lethargic, and then I am angry that he overeats after school. I can’t go there anymore.”
• Example two: Your son is a procrastinator who doesn’t start homework until 9:00 p.m. to do things that he should be doing earlier in the day. He is sleep deprived and you end up picking up the slack by helping him finish his homework which makes you irritable and upset with him.
• Goal: To get your son to finish homework and get to bed by 9:30 p.m.
• Observing limits: You have a conversation with your son. “I get all stirred up and overwrought when I hear you up late at night doing your homework. You shouldn’t be wasting all your time on video games, your phone, and TV shows. How can I help you get started on your homework when you get home from school” rather than, “You are so disorganized, your grades are terrible, and I can’t stand your staying up late at night to do these things!”
• Validate the child: “I know that you have a lot on your plate and it is hard to get everything done.”
• Reinforce to the child why you both gain by doing things your way: “If you can get most of your homework finished before dinner, I will be able to help you. After dinner, I need to help Julie with her homework and I cannot help you then. I would like everyone to get to bed at a reasonable time so that all of us get the sleep we need.”
15
Taking Control of Behavior
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
There are times when a child gets overwrought and throws a tantrum. Some children are immobile and unable to do the tasks of life because of anxiety or depression. When these things happen, it affects the whole family, friendships, and relationships in at school and other places. These guidelines are intended to help you be effective in observing your child’s behavior, helping him to calm himself down when upset, getting help to initiate daily tasks, and learning more proactive behaviors.
1. Meeting
When you are aware that your child’s behavior gets out-of-line or that he is having difficulty doing things because he is irritable, disorganized, anxious or depressed, call a meeting with your family.
1. Explain to your family what you are observing in your child’s behavior. Open up the conversation so that your child can discuss how his behavior affects him, as well as the whole family.
2. Help your child to express how his distress feels and why he is having so much trouble.
2. Target the behavior you want to change
Try to be as clear as possible and describe the target behavior that you want to change about your child. You’re not revamping your child’s entire personality, but make it clear to him and others in the family what you hope to make better. For instance, the targeted behavior may be to stop cursing at family members when he is tense and angry. Or it may be for your child to not scream and throw things when you ask him to help out. It is important that there is a clear operational definition of the behavior that you want to stop or change. For example, Be less depressed, is too general. Get up when the alarm goes off at 7:00 a.m. and try to shower and eat breakfast with the family rather than lying in bed and missing the school bus is clearer. Limit the behaviors that you wish to change to one or two.
3. Action steps
3.1. One—giving a clear signal
Give your child a clear signal you notice their behavior and wish it to stop or change. Come up with a signal that feels helpful to him. For instance, you might point at your watch and say, “It’s time” when he needs to finish something and move on. Use an agreed upon signal, such as a simple nod or holding up one finger.
3.2. Two—keep yourself calm and focused on your child’s target behavior
It is important to be mindful of the behavior you wish your child to change, doing one thing at a time, and keeping you and your child calm and centered on their daily actions and interactions. Encourage your child to do things slowly and purposefully, being aware of what he is doing and how. Ask him to think about the effect his actions has on you and others. While responding to your child, keep yourself calm and focused on the targeted behavior. When your child begins doing the targeted behavior, stop him immediately or prompt him to stop himself. Some people wear a rubber band around their wrist and snap it while saying “Stop it!” to help self-limit the offensive behavior. Plan on how you will keep both you and your child calm when the behavior happens. Here are a few ideas to help:
• Gather some materials that are calming to your child and put them in a basket or on a shelf: a favorite book, drawing materials, knitting, sudoku puzzles.
• Figure out a special place to go and calm down. For example, your child may prefer to take a walk in the park; go to the local park to get away; or he may have a quiet room in the house or at the library that he’d like to go to and not be interrupted.
• Some people require an activity that is more active to regulate themselves, such as jogging, doing push ups, or working out with weights. Have these available to your child if this works for him. Have your child close the bedroom door and do a few yoga poses like the “sun salute” or downward facing dog.
• Some individuals calm down best with deep pressure and may need to sit under a heavy quilt or put a weighted blanket on their lap.
• Music is very powerful as a mood-changing agent. Select some CDs that work for your child and have them handy for the moment your child needs to regain control.
3.3. Three—tell your child, “You will get back in control”
• Some children need to collect themselves firmly by holding their upper arms with the opposite hand. Rocking in a rocking chair or glider chair may help. And deep breathing exercises are essential.
• A time out is not a bad idea if your child’s behavior is aggressive, angry, intrusive, or destructive. Force your child to leave the room and calm down. Often stepping outside for a few minutes or taking a long hot shower helps children to self-calm when upset. If you think your child is going to hurt someone or something, take him someplace where he is away from people and objects. Sometimes children who are very physically aggressive need a pillow hug from behind to steer them out of the room to another location. Be mindful that touching your child in the moment may further activate their anger.
3.4. Four—ponder: what did we learn?
After your child has calmed down or organized himself, sit down with him and think through what you learned about the situation. What upset him or started the problem behavior? What helped him to take control of his actions? If he did something that was truly harmful to another person, he needs to consider a repair.
3.5. Repair
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. If your child’s behavior was likely to bother or upset others in the family or at school, he needs to think through how to manage it better and to take responsibility for his actions. If his behavior was serious and had a major impact on another person, then a repair is necessary to make the situation better. Urge your child to avoid emailing or texting a response to the other person. Try to have a face-to-face interaction with them if possible unless the damage is so intense, the person is not speaking to your child. Tell them that you understand that his behavior was out-of-line and that there are negative consequences of what he has done. Suggest some action to repair the problem, and consider what the other person would like to have happen. It is very important to take the other person’s point of view in a repair.
16
Keeping Track of Positive Behaviors
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
As you target behaviors that you wish your child to change, it is very helpful to keep a daily log of what the behavior is in day-to-day terms and how you will reinforce your child to keep the behavior going over time. Many parents set up a reward system for their child as they accomplish their personal goals to provide self-reinforcement. Here are some guidelines for setting up a program.
1. Commit to the target goal. What is the targeted behavior? What are the pros and cons of changing it? How will your child change the behavior in specific terms? Break it down into increments and make a time line over the next few months with week-to-week goals. Focus on what is possible in your child’s life right now.
2. Set up a daily or weekly reward system for your child to keep his motivation going. Make a checklist of what you want your child to achieve and if he completes his goal, think through what would make him feel great pleasure that he did it. Pick something healthy and good for him (i.e., buying some music or a new book, going out with a friend to a movie) versus something that might derail his progress (i.e., eating a fattening dessert, buying a violent video game).
3. Monitor your child’s progress every 2 weeks. How is your child doing? Many children get bored or have break-through behaviors that make them want to give up trying. For example, if your child had a weak moment and bought a video game on the Internet that he shouldn’t have purchased with your credit card, chuck it up to a bad day and look at how many days he had been able to exert self-discipline. It’s an incremental process. Accept the reality of what might interfere with progress on his goal. This may be an obstacle that he cannot overcome (i.e., severe ADHD that causes him to move constantly). Downsize your goal to something that is realistic while accepting your child’s limitations.
17
Eating Habits and Nutrition
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
1. Establish a regular schedule for mealtimes. Whether your child is heavy or thin, there should be three main meals per day and if needed, a small snack in the middle of the morning and/or afternoon. This way your child will experience states of hunger and satiety, which help with weight control, nutrition, and energy levels. A regular mealtime schedule helps to keep blood sugar levels steady throughout the day. This will help with irritability and fatigue associated with low blood sugar. Good snacks might be a small sandwich, yogurt, or a piece of fruit. Try to avoid your child eating sweets.
2. Plan a balanced diet. Try to get most of your child’s calories from complex carbohydrates, which come from fruits, vegetables, whole grains, rice, pasta, and cereal. Try to get more fiber in your child’s diet and less sugar, salt, and fat. Avoid saturated fats and cholesterol, keeping to leaner meats and limiting these to about 6 Oz/day.
3. Reduce intake of processed foods, fats, sugar, and caffeine. These foods are likely to alter sleep.
4. All meals should be in a place conducive to eating. Try to eat meals in the dining room, kitchen table, or picnic table. Make the room inviting with placemats or a table clothe, set out napkins and silverware, and perhaps light a candle or enjoy some other centerpiece on the table. Avoid having your child eat in the car, in front of the TV, or while sitting at a desk. These places encourage children to end up in mindless eating. Often the child eats more than they intended because they are distracted.
5. Exercise portion control with larger meals eaten earlier in the day. Try to have your child eat bigger meals at breakfast and lunch, eating lighter at dinner time and keeping snacks to midmorning and midafternoon. If your child needs an evening snack before bedtime, keep it very small and something that will not stimulate arousal.
6. Clean up plates, silverware, and leftover food at the end of the meal. Try to avoid leaving dirty plates lying around. It is disorganizing and creates clutter. Finish up the meal by having the child help with cleaning up.
7. Limit mealtime to 30 minutes. Terminate the meal sooner if your child refuses to eat, throws food, plays with food, or engages in other disruptive behavior. If your child is not eating, remove the food after 10–15 minutes. Don’t fall in the trap of being a short-order cook for your child. Put out the food that you’ve prepared and if your child doesn’t want it, provide a quick alternative, such as a bowl of cereal.
8. Separate mealtime from playtime. Do not allow toys to be available at the high chair or dinner table. Do not entertain or play games during mealtimes. Don’t use games to feed your child and don’t use food to play with. Also, don’t play games with food or sneak food into your child’s mouth. Try to model what healthy eating habits should be for your child. Make mealtime a relaxing, social event.
9. Emphasize mealtimes as a social, family gathering time. In this way, the focus is on socialization rather than worrying about dieting or how much people are eating. Be sure the TV is turned off. If conversations are difficult for your family, talk about things that happened in the news, or get some cards from board games that you can use to spur conversation. Some games that are available are Loaded Questions, Ask Anyone cards, or Imaginiff.
18
Strategies for Improving Sleep
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
1. Getting ready for sleep
1. Develop an appropriate sleep–wake schedule for your child with set times to go to bed and wake-up. If your child’s schedule is erratic, it makes it difficult to regulate sleep and feel fully rested. Going to bed at irregular hours on the weekend can cause insomnia. Try not to vary bedtime by more than 1 hour each night, otherwise you will be inducing a state similar to jet lag without the benefit of traveling. Establish a bedtime routine that is predictable so that there is a winding down of your day. For example, set out clothes for the next morning, set the alarm, take a warm bath, then relax.
2. Address overarousal that may make sleep more difficult for your child (e.g., noise or touch sensitivities, too much caffeine). Some children are restless as they lay down to sleep. Vigorous movement experiences, such as aerobic exercise, biking, or running are useful when done in the morning or afternoon. Only do gentle movement activities, such as rocking in a rocking chair or yoga in the evening. Remember that movement activities help to burn off energy and satisfy a need for movement stimulation, but that they also increase arousal. Firm, deep pressure activities, such as getting a back rub or a foot massage or sitting under a quilt are especially useful in the evening. Reduce light and noise at bedtime, turning off the television, avoid working on the computer, play soothing music, and dim the lights to prepare for bedtime.
3. Dietary: The child should not eat a large meal within 4 hours of bedtime. If you get home from work late, try to provide a light meal. The liver, which helps us digest food is a light organ and once it is dark outside, it goes into rest mode, making digestion slower. If your child is hungry before bedtime, have him eat a light snack, such as warm milk, cheese and crackers, yogurt, or bread. Avoid anything with caffeine (e.g., tea, chocolate) within 7–10 hours before bedtime. Some people have milk intolerance, which can affect your sleep.
4. If your child has trouble sleeping at night, avoid a long nap during the day. Many children who can’t sleep at night take a long nap during the day to get rest. This, in fact, can make the problem worse. A short nap right around 1:00 p.m. for 20–30 minutes can be helpful, but anything much longer is likely to interfere with the sleep cycle and make falling asleep at night difficult. Determine if napping helps or hinders your child’s sleep cycle.
5. Use the bedroom only for sleeping. The bedroom should not be a room that is used to watch television, talk on the telephone, work on the computer, or read. Do these activities in another space so that when your child comes to bed, he is ready to relax and go to sleep. The bedroom should be conducive to relaxation and sleep.
6. The child should try to relax his body and mind to fall asleep. Practice slow, deep breathing in a relaxing position with your child once he is in bed. Progressive relaxation exercises in bed are very useful. To clear the mind, count backwards in intervals (i.e., 2 or 3) beginning at 100. Take a deep breathe, then say the next number in the sequence as your child exhales. If your child worries and his mind is overactive, practice mindfulness meditation described in the skill sheet on stilling the mind.
7. If your child awakens in the night and he can’t fall back to sleep within 20 minutes, have him do something quiet for a little while. Tell your child to go to another room and do something calming like meditate to clear the mind and ready the body to fall back to sleep. He should avoid watching TV or getting involved in a project because this will stimulate his mind. He should try to do something that does not reward the awakening, like working on the computer or playing video games.
8. Address fears that might cause your child to have nightmares or have difficulty falling asleep. Make sure that your child feels safe and secure in his bedroom and home. Be sure that you have adequate locks on doors and windows, and a security system in place if you need one. Many children still need the reassurance of night-lights in the hallway or bathroom to help eradicate fears of the dark. Using white noise machines or a fan can help screen noises that make sleeping difficult in children who notice every sound as they lay in bed. Some children find sleeping with a dog or cat in their bedroom helps them to feel more secure. Lying with a full body pillow against the back or stomach and lying under a heavy comforter helps the body feel more secure. As your child tries to fall asleep, have him use mantras, such as “I am safe and secure” while picturing a serene scene. Encourage him to think about a pleasant event from the past as he lies in bed to avoid igniting fearful or anxious thoughts.
9. If your child has tinnitus (ringing in the ears), use white noise in the bedroom. Many people lie down and suddenly notice how loud the ringing is in their ears. White noise machines or fans help to reduce the annoyance of tinnitus.
10. Evaluate if your child has sleep apnea. Many people have problems with apnea when they sleep. This is when the airway closes up, the throat constricting as the person sleeps. A parent may notice that their child snores loudly or make sounds that seem like he has stopped breathing. Persons with sleep apnea often feel very tired during the day. If apnea is suspected, arrange for a sleep study to determine if this needs to be treated.
11. Institute a calm and organized bedtime ritual. The time between dinner and bedtime should be relaxing and enjoyable. If you or your child are rushed or irritable because of pressures from the day, you will end the day on a bad note. Try to get all the things done like cleaning up dishes, walking the dog, doing homework with your kids, phone calls, and your children’s bedtime routine by 8:30–9:00 p.m. so that you have time to do something relaxing for you and your child before bedtime.
12. Get enough rest and relaxation so that you are available for the important activities that you and your children need to do. You need to feel that you have the reserves to carry out your children’s bedtime program. One parent may need to be “on” for certain nights while the other one sleeps in a quiet area. One parent may want to sleep in one weekend morning, the other parent sleep in the other weekend morning. If you are a single parent, see if you can get some respite services from relatives, friends, people at your church or synagogue, or school.
13. Recognize the strong emotions you feel when your child can’t sleep. You may feel depressed during the day, angry at family members who keep you up at night, defeated that you are so exhausted, or very anxious and worried at nighttime. Find a trusted person to talk about these feelings. Depression, anxiety, sensory defensiveness, poor attention, and fears and nightmares are all associated with poor sleep.
14. Make a consistent plan for bedtime and get the support of family members. It is very important that when there are sleep problems in a member of the family, that you develop a plan for bedtime and stick with it consistently for at least 2 weeks before trying something new. If there are other persons in the household who are effecting the bedtime and sleep issue, there needs to be agreement on the philosophy of sleep and nighttime management so that others help to support your program. This is very important to avoid the possibility that other family members might sabotage your program (e.g., one parent is on-duty to hold a crying or waking child at nighttime, what to do if a child wants to come into his parents’ bed).
15. Determine if the family bed is helpful or not to yours and your child’s sleep patterns. If you feel strongly about sleeping with your child, it is important to think about why you do this. Is it because you don’t like to be alone at night? Are you anxious about your child’s well-being when you are away from him? Do you have marital issues and your child makes it easy not to look at them? What will make you feel secure that you are doing a good job in putting your child to sleep? Remember that some children are more difficult and need more attention and emotional security at bedtime. Also keep in mind that if you feel anxious, depressed, angry, resentful, or stressed, you won’t be as able to help your child to feel secure at nighttime. Many children develop anticipatory anxiety at bedtime when parents express these emotions.
16. Maintain a daily sleep log. Note activities that were done during the daytime (e.g., exercise, meditation, nap, stimulating activities), your child’s mood, and the nighttime sleep schedule to help understand your child’s sleep rhythms and what has helped or not helped in the process.
17. Use sedatives at night if other methods described earlier have not worked. These should be prescribed by your child’s pediatrician or family doctor. Melatonin and Benadryl have been used successfully under physician guidance as a means of treating serious and chronic sleep disorders. Some children also do well drinking camomile tea before bedtime.
19
Installing Structure and Organization
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
Everyone needs structure and organization to feel secure and organized in daily life. This is especially important for children with ADHD or executive functioning problems. The following ideas will help you to provide a predictable daily routine for your child.
1. The structure of time: Specify times for the following during the day:
a. getting up and ready for the day
b. work and leisure activities including daily exercise
c. consistent time for meals
d. time for chores like emptying trash and recycle
e. consistent time for bed
If your child is a person who has difficulty getting things done, get a special timing device that will signal him at intervals to keep him moving along. A large hourglass, a signal watch, or a light-up timer with an alarm are some possibilities.
2. The structure of space: simplify your child’s spatial world so there are fewer things to organize and manage. Less is more!
a. Space stations: Limit clutter, each object has storage space or a place to put it.
b. Simple system for clothes: Bin for dirty clothes and towels.
c. No distractions in bedroom: TV, computers, phone.
d. Have a designated place near the door for keeping gear when one comes home: Backpack, shoes, coat.
e. Have a designated place for doing work at home for family members (i.e., where the children do their homework, where you do work from the office).
f. Have a system for cleaning up dishes and clutter.
g. Model organization and structure by setting time periods when everyone in the house cleans together for a “Mad 10 Minutes”.
20
Communicating Effectively With Others
Georgia DeGangi, PhD
Anne Kendall, PhD
Many children with mood dysregulation, language processing problems, or ADHD have problems communicating to others. Here is a structured communication technique to use when you are trying to communicate to your child who may have trouble hearing you.
The acronym tells it all:
Example: Your child would like to get to go to the indoor water park, but mom and dad are always too busy to make the time. Whenever he asks them if they can take him, they act put out.
Your child’s goal—G—is to get the opportunity to have family fun at the water park this coming weekend.
R review what has happened. “Mom, I know you have a lot of things on your plate that need to get done this week. But it’s always hard for us to plan anything fun as a family because everyone is so rushed all the time.”
E express how you feel—“ I am frustrated that we never do anything together as a family because we are always so busy. All we do is focus on school and work and not our family being together.”
A ask for what you want—“If I get all my school work done, help feed the dog, and vacuum the living room this week to make your life easier, could we take a few hours to go to the water park on Saturday afternoon?”
T think how to get others to do it your way or to see your point of view—“If we can figure out how to make this work out, I would love to do something special with you.”
How You Do a “Great” Communication
In this example, the child tries to communicate with FUN.
F He is fair to his parents and lets them know that he loves them and wants to spend time with them.
U He understands that the family needs to have a good time with him and get out of the house not only for his own relaxation and fun, but for the whole family to be together.
N He allows his parents to negotiate an activity of their choosing that they can do within their time frame. For instance, it may take too long to go to the water park, so what about going for a 1 hour hike on the Billy Goat Trail instead?
The example in this skill sheet can be used for parents communicating with their child, but it is a wonderful skill to teach children, especially as they grow older so that they can become effective communicators.
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