1. AT THE HEART OF THE MATTER
Who I am in relationship with others
WHAT IS AT THE HEART OF THE MATTER?
The place to start when we convene meetings, gatherings, and conversations is with ourselves. If we are to lead into authentic engagement, it is important to be genuine. Knowing who we are as human beings helps us to bring this genuineness forward. Additionally, our ability to frame, embody, and model authentic engagement is improved when we explore how we will be in relationship with others.
We call this first, central Aspect of the Convening Wheel At the Heart of the Matter.
This is where we practice knowing ourselves as human beings and enter an awareness of how we will be in relationship with others. It is a big subject, and a lifelong quest and journey for many of us.
The idea of knowing oneself is the foundational premise of countless leadership books and trainings, as well as other self-improvement, motivational, and spiritual literature. There is a reason for that. It is important. Approaching the principles and practices of the Art of Convening without getting at this core Aspect, one way or another, would be like trying to make a wheel without a hub; it can be done, but, well, that’s one wobbly wheel. This central Aspect serves as a stabilizer and calibrator for our convening practice; we return to it again and again.
Many of us are on a continuing journey of self-reflection. What we have learned, and will learn on that journey, will serve us well as Conveners. If we are just beginning a journey of knowing ourselves, a convening practice is one place to start. A difference between At the Heart of the Matter and many other journeys of self-reflection is that we also examine how we will be in relationship with others. When we think of these things, we get at the heart of our relationship with the participants of our gathering.
CHALLENGE
Staying connected
Do we choose to open ourselves to relationship, or do we choose to close?
In times of high stress, we can be distracted from our connection to who we are. Convening, for Heartland, is the art of gathering and “holding” people, in a safe and generative space, for the sake of an authentic engagement that works for all. We consider each gathering to be an entry into a relationship with others. Staying authentically connected to others is, ultimately, all about being connected to ourselves. If we are not in touch with ourselves and the core of our intent, how can we maintain a genuine connection to other people?
The purpose of At the Heart of the Matter is to increase our clarity, confidence, and sense of belonging so that, come what may, we are able to hold others in the safest, most generative container possible. Although personal and internal, this Aspect is a powerful touchstone, and precursor, for thoughtful intention and design of our meetings. Some of the exercises in this book will help us get started or continue to reveal to ourselves who we are, which will increase our ability to stay connected and open to our relationships with others.
PRINCIPLE
Knowing who I am allows me to be in authentic engagement.
Our undertaking to connect with other human beings in a genuine, meaningful way is what authentic engagement is all about. But unless we are willing to reflect on who we are, we don’t give others something real to connect to. Expecting to authentically engage with others when we don’t know ourselves is like believing that we can physically grasp a hologram or lean on the mist; it seems as if there’s something there, but when we try it out, we learn differently.
The journey of self-reflection that we begin or continue with this Aspect of the Convening Wheel provides something solid for us and others to connect to.
FORGING THE INNER HEART
The first container that required attention was the one shaped in my own interior. I needed, for my own sake and for the sake of the whole, to make sure there was a connection between my stated desire for real community and authenticity and my own life. In order for me to lead with integrity, I needed to close the gap between my exterior persona and my interior reality.
In preparation for an important meeting I was to convene, I spent many hours attending to my own fears, assumptions, hopes, freedoms, and limitations. I took long, meditative walks; I journaled; I consulted with colleagues (including my AoC partners). When it came time for the meeting, I was able to hold the group with a sense of nonanxious presence. I cannot overstate how important that was for me and for the gathered whole. I have learned that what happens in the days and hours before the meeting is at least as important as what takes place in the meeting.
Because I attended to my interior container, I was more prepared to help shape an outer container—in the context of the meeting—large enough to hold the charged emotional engagements of the group.
—By Terry Chapman2
ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS
Who am I as a human being?
How will I be in relationship with others?
When we have thoroughly explored these questions, the connection of ourselves in relationship to others makes more sense and tends to flow more naturally. When we practice mindful reminders through reflective practices, we bring ourselves back to our basic humanity.
These are internal reflections. Whether we share our discovery with others is not as important as truthfully addressing these questions for ourselves. Our discovery will be At the Heart of the Matter. The journaling questions and exercises at the end of the chapter will help focus our internal vision in order to explore these questions.
Through this internal inquiry, we have the opportunity to experience the core of who we are and how we will be in relationship with others. When we understand the nature of why we desire to be in relationship with others, our gatherings tend to have an integrity that goes beyond the sole reliance on form and technique. This quality allows for the possibility of authentic connection.
As Terry pointed out in “Forging the Inner Heart,” spending hours attending to his own internal condition was essential. This enabled him, when the time came, to be centered, grounded, and able to “hold the group with a sense of nonanxious presence.”
MAKING IT REAL
There is a lot of pressure in our lives to go, go, go all the time— to drive results and spring into action, often before the action’s optimal time has come. It’s counterintuitive to take the time to reflect on how we will be in relationship with others. In a way, we have to slow down and do the internal due diligence to know what results we really want to drive and when it is time to take an action.
This Aspect of the Convening Wheel is all about remembering who we are—perhaps recalling the person we forgot we were, in all the hubbub of life and work.
Some of us may already have a practice that sufficiently serves the purpose of spurring self-examination and self-knowledge. If we don’t have a practice or want to add to what we already do, there are practices, both ancient and modern, that can help us remember. An ongoing practice of self-reflection, of any kind, is a potent tool for getting At the Heart of the Matter, and can enable us to be better prepared in whatever conditions we convene.
Practices of remembering, such as meditation, prayer, reflection, journal keeping, walks in nature, and contemplation, are very helpful. When we begin to lose our self-awareness, find ourselves in a state of stress and confusion, or want to reinforce what we already know, we can strengthen At the Heart of the Matter using them. These practices help to focus our thoughts and strengthen our sense of presence in the moment, allowing us to enter into authentic engagements with confidence.
Mindfulness: Mindfulness and meditative practices are designed to bring the mind, body, and emotions to relaxation, thus allowing us to approach whatever is next refreshed, present, and fully awake. A mindfulness exercise is included at the end of this chapter.
Prayer: Prayer is expressing our relationship with a higher power, and there are as many ways to pray as there are religions and belief systems. The contemplative nature of prayer has an effect of bringing one closer to one’s true self.
Conscious reflection: Creating time, no matter how busy or distracted we may be, to focus our attention on the positive aspects of our lives is conscious reflection. Taking time to consider, with gratitude and appreciation, is a competency that can bring us to a more generative mindset.
Journal keeping: The act of journaling often reveals our own wisdom. It can be helpful to journal (or write by hand, computer, or other device) our thoughts at particular times when we are moved or when we want to discover something inside ourselves.
Contemplation: To contemplate something is to focus our thoughts exclusively on that thing. We use this practice to turn down the noise and see the main subject of our thoughts clearly.
Spending time in nature: In this context, the purpose of being in nature is to immerse ourselves in the biological world, where we all come from and to which we all belong. Often the beauty and presence of nature enables us to become more fully aware of our connections to life.
We take a “time in” when we use the practices above to make room in our minds and hearts for an awareness of what is At the Heart of the Matter to emerge. We may draw on any number of practices at various times until we are satisfied with the outcome.
When we enter into relationships with those we gather, from the firm ground that comes from self-reflection, we have confidence, courage, and a sense of what is possible. Our capacity for authentic engagement is increased as we frame, embody, and model this kind of connection, and give others something real to connect to.
This is the beginning of our journey around the Convening Wheel. We complete this Aspect by exploring who we are and how we will be in relationship with others. Each interaction with another human being is an opportunity for relationship; awareness of that fact creates a shift in our interactions. The journey that begins here is a powerful way to bring authentic engagement to meetings, gatherings, and conversations because knowing who we are in relationship with others is a sustaining force that keeps the Convening Wheel together.
ELEPHANTS AND AUTHENTICITY
I convened a gathering of 150 executives at a state social services agency. The initial request was to facilitate a daylong offsite retreat, to engage in a five-year visioning process, that would create a high level of participant input, feedback, and agreement on a way forward, in difficult times, for the agency. The desired outcome would be a five-year vision statement to be distributed throughout the organization.
A week before the event, a series of dramatic budget cuts, personnel changes, and presenter shifts were made. It was decided that we would go ahead with the retreat in the midst of these changes. However, our initial design of this event had been figuratively ripped away.
How would I proceed now that this additional emotional stress and uncertainty factor had been added to the equation?
I began to look to others for guidance—to tell me who I needed to be for this gathering and how I could be in relationship with the people there when emotions might be running exceptionally high. I found that the more I looked to others for the answer, the more confused I became.
Several days before the retreat, I consciously engaged in a series of reflective practices that helped focus my energies and get At the Heart of the Matter. Setting aside some time alone to meditate, I visualized the gathering and imagined the best possible outcome. This practice of envisioning myself and others authentically engaged allowed me to see my way forward step by step. I wrote in my journal to put substance to my thoughts, intents, and outcomes, which made my vision more real to me—and enabled me to share some of my discoveries with others. These practices allowed me to articulate who I am as a human being and how I would be in relationship with others, grounding my emotions and enabling me to imagine the most powerful and beneficial outcome possible with the other designers for the retreat.
By grounding myself through a self-reflective process, I returned to the core of why I had entered the agreement to convene this session. Once I embodied the truth of what was At the Heart of the Matter, a sense of confidence, purpose, and courage to step into the unknown guided me forward.
I came to a place of nonjudgment where trusting myself was the important touchstone that would carry my relationship with the others at this gathering and would bring much-needed authenticity to this retreat.
What had come to me out of this process was that before we could envision the way forward, we needed to speak honestly and clearly about the present condition, which had yet to be done.
As I entered the room that morning, my intuition told me that the day would flow seamlessly. The design and production teams and those that came early seemed to sense this positive energy right away. I gathered the design team about an hour before the start of the retreat to say that we had a very powerful design and that all we needed to do now was to welcome people and tell the truth as we knew it.
There were several elephants in the room, known as budget cuts, layoffs, and wholesale destruction of the department. At my request, we began by having the two core presenters agree to speak openly and honestly about three questions: what did they know that they could say, what would be the impact on the department, and, more important, how did they feel at this moment—how did this affect them?
We had chosen to remain open to relationship with the people in that room. The presenters were willing to authentically engage. We were all willing to say what was true for us. You could feel the cloud lifting, the stress leaving the room, the space opening to authentic possibility, and a visceral leaning forward of each person to take part in an active way because they felt an invitation to be real.
—By Craig Neal
WHERE WE ARE ON THE CONVENING WHEEL
1. At the Heart of the Matter—We have explored who we are and how we will be in relationship with others.
We have started the journey. Now we are ready to proceed to an exciting and crucial Aspect for the gathering at hand, Clarifying Intent.
Things to Remember
Challenge: Staying connected—Do we choose to open ourselves to relationship or do we choose to close?
Principle: Knowing who I am allows me to be in authentic engagement.
Essential Questions:
• Who am I as a human being?
• How will I be in relationship with others?
Aspect-Strengthening Exercises
Checklist for the Gathering at Hand
• Who am I in relationship to this gathering?
• What is my relationship to the people of this gathering?
• What is the purpose of our gathering?
• What does success look like?
• Have I centered myself (noticed my preferences, judgments, and certainties)?
• Am I ready to move on? (If not, why not?)
Practices-of-Remembering Exercises
Mindfulness: Choose a quiet, dark, or softly lit place to sit, either in a chair or on the floor/ground. Close your eyes or gaze softly at an object ahead. Now, shift your attention to your breath and simply notice the thoughts that come up and the sounds around you while letting them pass by. Allow yourself a few minutes at first; you may wish to increase the time as it suits you.
For more on mindfulness practice, see Mindfulness Meditation: Cultivating the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind, by Jon Kabat-Zinn (Nightingale-Conant, 2002).
Prayer: I like to start my day with a walking prayer of about one hour. The first 15 minutes or so, my mind wanders to the things of the coming day that draw my attention. Then I enter a time when I am able to gently let go and just be with what is. I notice the surroundings, my own breath, and I begin to feel the rhythm of the walk. Often, other thoughts come to mind: mostly gratitude for life, gratitude for the beauty of creation, and a sense of grounding. As my mind and body open, people come to mind. I hold them there in this place of nonanxious presence and think about their lives, sending them love. Some may call this a prayer of intercession. For me, it is an opening into my essential self, which then creates a posture of being present to the world.
—Terry Chapman4
Conscious reflection:
1. Find a comfortable place to sit with your feet on the floor and hands in your lap.
2. If you’re comfortable to do so, close your eyes and notice your breathing. Otherwise, just soften your gaze.
3. Shift your focus away from your mind to the area around your heart.
4. Imagine yourself breathing through your heart. It may help to put your hand on your heart.
5. Keep your focus there for 10 seconds or more.
6. Now, recall a time in which you felt appreciation for someone or something and attempt to reexperience it.
7. Notice the feeling.
8. When you’re ready, open your eyes.5
Contemplation: To contemplate is to find a place in one’s being for stillness. This does not come easy for busy people. But with practice, one discovers a place of stillness, just under the surface of our often frenetic lives. The 20th-century Jewish mystic Abraham Heschel wrote of such a place: “In the tempestuous ocean of time and toil there are islands of stillness where we may enter a harbor and reclaim our dignity.” At the end of the day, in a quiet, spacious place, consider the movements of the day. Reflect on times when you felt a tightness in your chest, anxiety, cynicism, or even fear. Name those experiences and gently let them go. Then also intentionally recall moments in the day when you felt peace, joy, centeredness, and attunement. Give thanks for those moments and hold them for a while in your mind. This practice of sifting through the moments of the day can help focus the heart and mind so that one can let go of that which may be harmful, and hold on to that which brings more life.
—Terry Chapman6
EXERCISE 1: WHAT DO I STAND FOR?
The set-up:
You can do this in 20 minutes.
Find a quiet place to write, and close the door so that you won’t be interrupted.
Write by hand (or computer if you must) in your journal. Any notebook will do as long as you know it will remain private.
Step 1. Who are the people who most influenced your life—positively or negatively? List them by name and by their relationship to you. You may wish to express why they are influential; however, this is not required. Once you’ve finished, pause to reflect on each before moving on to Step 2.
Step 2. What are the core nonnegotiable values that guide your life and work? Ask yourself about the bedrock values that guide you in your life and work. List key words first, noticing how they feel. You may have only a few; don’t worry. It’s more important that you find those that are not open to negotiation to you and that reflect how you live your life.
Step 3. Share those values with someone as soon as possible. Start by saying, “I stand for [the values you’ve written down] in my life and work.”
Step 4 (optional). Write a short narrative story that is declarative. It starts with “I” and goes on from there. Something like this: “I stand for integrity and love in all my relations. My family is sacred to me. Truth, humor, and play are essential to my daily life. My body is my temple and I take care of it …”
EXERCISE 2: A PERSONAL CREATION STORY
Personal creation stories are a powerful tool to attract what we desire to create in our lives. When we can envision our future, we are more likely to create the changes, put forth the effort, and acquire the skills necessary to achieve it. This is also a good way to explore who we are and how we will be in relationship with others.
What to do: Write a one-page creation story for yourself as a Convener, a gatherer and holder of people, for the next two years.
Step 1. Find a quiet place to reflect and write with no distractions. Allow yourself at least 30 minutes for each writing session.
Step 2. Once seated, ask yourself these simple yet potent questions:
• What is next for my life, and how can I consciously create what I want? (List events, things you want to accomplish, changes you wish to see for yourself, and so on.)
• What do I need to leave behind in order to do that? (List those things that are in the way of your actualizing what you desire.)
Step 3. Now imagine yourself two years out: What do you see for yourself? What are you doing? Write a one-page story or narrative to yourself in the first person. For example, “I am happily living in __ with __, having just made a decision to pursue my passion by __ (date or time),” and so forth.
Some focusing questions to help you get started:
• What is the story that I tell others about myself as a Convener?
• Who am I in relationship with others, and why do I authentically engage?
• What calls me to convene?
Journaling Questions
• What are my relationships now, and how do I serve?
• What is my vision for myself as a Convener? Write the story of your life two years out. List accomplishments and/or milestones. Be specific.