At times you will need to tread carefully when delivering feedback. Certain situations can quickly become volatile because of the personalities involved, or perhaps they are part of a wider and more passionate debate. Being direct and honest with your feedback doesn't absolve you of the responsibility to be diplomatic and respectful; remember that more eyes are on you as a manager as people expect you to be a role model in the department. I'm going to assume that I don't need to train you how to have a stand-up argument with someone, so instead we'll focus on some elegant and subtle techniques for getting your point across effectively when there's a more senior person and a keg of dynamite in the room with you.
A pre-frame consists of the thoughts and feelings that you focus on about an event before you begin to deal with it. For example, if you have previously had cross words with someone in the past and need to debate an emotive issue with them in the future, you may feel anxious about the event. However, anxiety is often a feedback signal that you are paying attention to the wrong things, so pre-framing the event in a positive way in your mind will be more useful.
Here are three ways to positively pre-frame your feedback delivery:
- Think of the upcoming event as a learning opportunity that will make you stronger. There are very few people in life who feel no fear at all; courage is feeling afraid and taking action anyway.
- Imagine that your brain will be running 10 times faster than the spoken conversation (it is anyway) and reassure yourself that you have plenty of time to make a considered response that gets the best long term outcome.
- Visualize yourself walking away at the end. Imagine leaving behind anything unwanted or offensive that the recipient of your feedback said.
Building on these philosophies, let's look at some practical techniques now for delivering a feedback message to someone who's testing your boundaries.
Framing simply means to set an expectation about what is to be discussed. It acts as a sort of filter for the subject of the conversation. There are three types of frames that we can use to set up a delicate conversation.
These can be useful when you want to question something that has been said, but don't wish to appear too abrasive in your challenge. Maybe you think the idea is flawed or doesn't make sense but you want to probe gently at it without completely destroying the concept. Examples of a softening frame could be:
"Hmm… I'm curious about that, help me to understand…"
"I'm not sure I understood that correctly, how does..."
"Okay, let's play a scenario out, supposing that…"
Mismatch frames work well for certain individuals who are pre-disposed to arguing that black is white. I'm sure you've come across them in your career—whatever is said to them, they will always want to do the opposite and convert your thinking to theirs. Often this isn't a conscious pattern and they're not aware of it, it's just a habit they've formed. Mismatchers are contrary folk, so tell them they won't agree and they'll be more inclined to agree because they have to do the opposite!
So, for example, if you wanted agreement from someone with your idea about changing advertising agencies:
"Okay, you're not going to like this, but how about switching to another advertising agency?"
"I don't think you'll agree with this, but I wanted to get your view on switching ad agencies."
"I don't think this is going to fit with your plans, but I wanted to run it past you anyway…how would it fit if we switched away from our regular agency?"
These are useful when you want to present a different viewpoint but perhaps tempers are running high or maybe it's just not appropriate to disagree outright. After someone has presented the idea that you wish to oppose, try employing some of the following approaches:
"I think that's a good idea, and I'd like to highlight an alternative…"
"That's a good possibility, and I think an alternative of XYZ has merit too if we explore it for a moment…"
"Yes that can definitely work, and I think we can also get there quicker by…"
You may have noticed a particular word missing from the previous examples: "but". Linguistically, the word "but" has the effect of negating whatever argument was previously stated, making the other person defensive and making them expect an opposing position.
The word "and" acknowledges the previous argument and then builds on it gently with an alternative. Both words are grammatically interchangeable, so banish the word "but" for a while and practice using "and" instead. It maintains the rapport of the conversation and allows you to say the complete opposite with less resistance. "But" was used purposely in the examples about mismatch frames, and here we can leave it out.
Now I know that you're not yet convinced about the effectiveness of the aforementioned techniques, and you probably feel like they won't work in your organization. And I acknowledge that and I have an alternative viewpoint. My suggestion is that like everything else in this book, you test it out for yourself.
…See what I did there?
The previous section was really focused on disagreeing with someone's opinion, maybe on a technical point or a strategic plan. This was mostly based on logic, with not much said about emotions. This section deals with the feelings you are left with when tempers have been frayed or you feel disrespected.
I'm going to start by reminding you of one of the core principles that we covered in Chapter 1, Feedback Fundamentals—being honest. Again, you should choose your time and place wisely, but telling someone exactly how you feel is immensely powerful. Of course, this is practically impossible for anyone who is male, was raised by parents who were educated in post-Victorian Britain, or who had a boarding school education. I'm being facetious here, but I do understand that talking about feelings doesn't come naturally to everyone. However, it's worth the investment in effort to come to terms with verbalizing your feelings at an appropriate time and place. This isn't a book on therapy, but there's a reason that "Talking Cures" are so popular.
Follow these steps for success with sharing a feeling:
- Tell the person that you want to speak to them in private about something that they have said or done.
- Remind them of the specific situation in which the event occurred.
- Repeat what they said or describe what they did at the time.
- Express how you felt after this.
Tip
Notice that I've resisted using the words "How they made you feel" as I believe in taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings; of course, your overall state is the sum total of your thoughts, feelings, and sensory inputs, so describe your emotions and own them. You can't always stop waves from appearing in the ocean, but you can choose which ones to surf.
Fortunately, the week after the aforementioned incident, he and I had an hour alone in his office. We discussed various other matters, and then at the end of the session, I told him that I needed to speak to him about what went on in last week's meeting. I reminded him of what had been said, and then I told him that I felt berated in front of my colleagues. This had a rather unexpected effect; he coughed, shifted in his seat, and told me that he had been feeling rather stressed recently and had been suffering from chest pains. He apologized for what he'd said and it was never brought up again.
Now it wasn't the last time that he and I had a heated exchange, but it taught me the power of sharing the feeling I was left with, and in a strange way allowed me to let it go and move on. The frustration I had felt at the time of not asserting myself in the moment had gone, and Simon knew that he had crossed a boundary. While your manager has a responsibility to train and develop you, sometimes you have to remind them how to behave too.
I've given you strategies in this chapter to deal with situations where you need to deflect negativity, proceed sensitively, disagree subtly, and share a feeling; perhaps due to the environment you are in or because of the seniority of the other person. You should now have plenty of resources at hand to handle the majority of challenging conversations for now, although remember that working cultures are made up of many people, all of whom are different. Some seniors like to have a stand-up row with their staff and respect them for it afterwards, so it is possible to go head to head with someone and still have a positive outcome. What I've focused on here is how to disagree diplomatically and subtly and how to express how you may be feeling after some sharp words. I've found these to be crucial skills to have as a newly appointed manager while you are still finding your feet in the role and are in effect testing other people's boundaries while your own are being stretched too!