Here’s something that should be aimed at young people – but I have a sneaky feeling that lots of us go on needing to refer to it for a long time after we’ve left home.

When we’re young we assume (unless there are very strong reasons to the contrary) that our parents are perfect. We may not like the rules and boundaries they set, but we figure they must be right. As we move into our teens, we start to notice that some of our friends’ parents are really quite different from our own. But there’s still an underlying feeling that ours are probably the ones who’ve got it right.

Think about it. From as far back as you can remember, your parents have been practising being parents. They’ve had a lifetime (yours) to plan and hone and fine-tune what they’re doing. So surely they must be pretty near perfect by now. Why wouldn’t they be?

Look, take it from me – as a parent six times over – that no parent is ever perfect. Apart from the fact that the job is so difficult, we carry so much baggage along, from the way we were brought up by our own parents, to our values, our hopes, our own experiences, our anxieties… everything we’ve ever done or feared or thought feeds into the way we treat our kids.

On top of that, every child is different. Even if your mum or dad felt confident about how to treat your brother or sister, that doesn’t mean they know how to cope with you. Some children push all the boundaries, some are worriers, some work too hard, some struggle to make friends, some are big risk-takers, some give up easily. Some are just like yourself, and others are so different you have no idea what makes them tick. I remember my eldest child challenging me at one point, telling me I should know what to do because I’d been a parent for 14 years (at the time). I pointed out that I’d never been the parent of a 14-year-old before, so I didn’t have enough relevant experience to draw on.

See? The bottom line is that your parents are making it up as they go along. Honestly. Some parents are very good at thinking on their feet, but they’re still making the whole thing up. I should know – I’ve been doing it for years.¹

All of this means that you should listen to your parents, but don’t be afraid to make your own decisions once you’re old enough – whether that’s 15 or 50 is up to you. Your parents are doing their best, but once you hit adulthood, you don’t have to follow their advice any more. Listen politely, of course, but you’re in charge now. They’ll often be right, but not always.