Now there’s an expression I heard a lot as a child, and I still hear other parents using it when I’m out and about. I have never understood it, even when I was young. You tell your parents what you want and they say ‘I want doesn’t get’, and they don’t give it to you. So next time you want something you carefully avoid mentioning the fact, and they don’t give it to you. As far as I could see as a child, nothing got you what you wanted.

Well, maybe as a kid you’re in a lose/lose situation. As an adult, however, ‘I want’ is the only thing that does get you anywhere. Regardless of your conditioning as a child, you need to learn to be clear and specific about what you want. If you can’t explain what you want, how can you expect anyone to give it to you? Whether it’s in a relationship or at work, with friends and family or talking to the bank, you absolutely have to be able to state what you want.

Of course you’ll ask for things that are reasonable, and you’ll ask politely. There’s no need to demand with menaces, or to expect to be given things without question or compromise. Good manners should prevail at all times, because you’re a decent person, and because the alternative is less likely to work.

What on earth was it supposed to mean? I suspect that in a more polite age it meant you shouldn’t start a sentence with ‘I want…’ but with ‘Please may I…’, and is a matter of simple manners. Even so, it’s actually much clearer for other people to hear you state what you actually want when it matters.

If you want a pay rise, for example, you’ll never get it unless you ask. And if you ask deferentially, in a ‘please may I’ tone, it implies you’re asking a favour, which you’re not. You’re saying, politely, ‘I believe I’m worth more than I’m being paid, and I want a pay rise that reflects that’. Obviously you’ll have to justify this, but assuming you can, you have every right to lay your cards on the table in this way. It shows that it’s a fair exchange – your labour for their money.

In a relationship, if you need to discuss problems you should of course do it with respect and consideration. You can still help your partner if you can state, for example, ‘I want us each to be responsible for our own laundry’, or ‘I want to go out for a meal together at least once a week’. It makes it much easier for you both to see what criteria you must fit your solution around.

So be polite and friendly at all times, as always, but for goodness’ sake say if you want something. How else can anyone tell you if it’s OK to have it?