I’ve read a lot lately about how you should push children to do things that are challenging in order to give them more ‘grit’. You know, send them on long hikes, boot camps and so on. Give them positions of responsibility and leadership to see how they handle them. And if they fail – well apparently that develops grit just as well as succeeding at these challenges.

Hmmm. Yes and no. I think what people mean by ‘grit’ is a combination of self-confidence and resilience. And that’s certainly a good thing to have, at any age. But, whether you’re at school, uni or much further along the road, the way to achieve it is not quite so clear-cut.

I’ve seen kids stretched by these kinds of demanding activities who have indeed surprised themselves and derived huge confidence from succeeding. And I’ve seen kids come close and grow stronger despite, or because of, the fact they’ve ultimately failed. But I’ve also seen children – and adults – who have been pushed too far and have lost confidence when they haven’t managed to do what they set out to do, or what other people around them have managed.

The secret is in just how far you’re challenged. If you only do what you know, and never take on anything that daunts you, it’s hard for you to build up your confidence and your resilience. We’ve already seen that mistakes and failures aren’t always bad, and sometimes you impress yourself despite not ultimately succeeding. So it’s really important that you say yes to things you’re tempted to turn down because you’re not sure you can do them.

On the other hand, a challenge that is really too far for you – whether that’s organisationally, emotionally, physically, psychologically or anything else – can batter your confidence and leave you feeling vulnerable and fragile.

Only you know where the line is between a demanding but ultimately satisfying challenge, and one that will knock the stuffing out of you. But one thing I can promise you: if you never accept any challenges you’re going to struggle to grow in confidence. You’ll learn nothing new about yourself and you’ll stagnate.

So look for challenges, whether it’s organising a wedding, going trekking in the Himalayas, taking the lead at a big corporate presentation, learning a new language, installing your kitchen yourself, or volunteering at the local soup kitchen. Keep stretching yourself, but don’t feel you have to push yourself beyond your natural limits. If in doubt you can set yourself mini-challenges: run a half-marathon before you enter your name for a full marathon, or install most of the kitchen but leave the plumbing and electrics to experts.