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When you want to say “no” in a way that doesn’t cause you problems
We all get asked to do things that we don’t want to do.
And it’s not always easy to know how to respond. You don’t want to appear unhelpful. But it seems you only have two options, neither of which is very good:
But you have another option:
This is often the best option, for both you and them. They get the outcome they wanted; and you’ve helped them do so. Even better, this approach is relatively straightforward, in that you only have to remember two things:
Here are some examples:
| Them: | Can you send me a report on X by Friday? |
| You: | I can definitely get something to you by then. Exactly what information do you want? |
| Them: | [Their answer] |
| You: | Sure, I can do that. With deadlines being so tight, rather than you having to read a full report, I’ll do the research and call you Wednesday to discuss it. I can then send over a brief summary of the key points on Thursday. OK? |
| Them: | Can you run a workshop on X for me? |
| You: | I want to help, but don’t think that’s the best way I can. I haven’t much experience in running workshops like this, and don’t want to dilute the work you’re doing. Instead, I’ll speak to Mark – he’s a great facilitator – and brief him on what we need him to cover. I can make sure the workshop works by doing X as well. OK? |
| Them: | Please send a document through to me next week |
| You: | I’ll be pleased to. I don’t want to waste your time giving you information you don’t want. So, let me ask a couple of quick questions, so I focus on the right things for you. |
But what about when someone needs your help, and you just haven’t any time at all?
This is the hardest one, because you can’t do anything about it, even if you wanted to.
You could say something like, “I’d love to help, but I’m back to back – sorry. I hope it goes well for you”. This sounds nice enough, but in effect you’re just saying “no” beautifully. So they don’t benefit from your help, and you don’t benefit from helping.
Instead, you have lots of alternatives:
- Recommend someone else who can help – a colleague or supplier you’ve used before.
- Spend five minutes (let’s face it, you can always find five minutes) giving an overview of how they should approach it.
- Give them a similar document you’ve written before, so they can follow your approach.
- Recommend reading material to help them.
- Ask if their deadline is flexible, so you can help them later.
- Ask your boss/team if anyone has time to help.
- Explain to your boss/team that this has come up, and ask if it should be prioritized over existing work.
Like all the examples in this chapter, the best option can often be something other than a definite “no” (either horrible or beautiful) or a definite “yes”. And, once you realize you’ve lots of choices, it’s much easier to say “no” in a way people are happy with.
