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Talk Back to the Voice in Your Head

Throughout school there was a voice in my head saying, “If you don’t study, you’re gonna flunk.” I’ve no idea where those words came from. My parents didn’t pressure me about studying, but I heard the refrain every time I was tempted to skip my homework.

The voice seemed to fade away when I was an undergraduate, but it roared back when I entered Georgetown Law. I was excited to be in Washington and tempted by the leisure options, from museums to bars. That nagging warning, though, often kept me at my books. At times I even cranked up the volume, saying aloud to myself, “You’re gonna flunk, you’re gonna flunk.”

After graduation, the message changed but the voice was more insistent than ever. During my early years in law, the message was often, “They aren’t used to women here. You have to work harder than the men.” The exhortations would wake me up in the middle of the night, and distract me in situations that should have been fun.

Eventually, however, I noticed that it wasn’t the lawyers sitting longest at their desks who seemed to be getting clients. In a big “Aha!” moment, I saw that the tyrannical voice in my head could be wrong. Grinding out the written work mattered, but so did other activities, like building relationships. From then on, instead of always knuckling under, I practiced ignoring that voice, or even arguing back. When it told me to stay put, I might respond, “This dinner is a good opportunity and I’m going.”

Then, as I summoned the courage to broaden my professional circle and pitch potential clients, I had to find ways to bounce back when people weren’t responsive. I noticed that often, the worst part wasn’t what they said—it was the scathing assessment from my inner voice. So I practiced ignoring messages like, “They’ll never hire you,” and told myself that disappointments are growth experiences. I would say to myself, “Okay, what did we learn here?”

Unlock new energy by managing your inner voice

Each of us has a repetitive voice in our head, commenting, warning, and judging. Sometimes the voice gets stuck in the past, perhaps returning us to moments that could have gone better. If the voice is preoccupied with things that could go wrong in the future, we call that “worrying.”

Much Eastern philosophy explores ways to quiet the babble in your mind. Practices like meditation and prayer can help you stop listening to that tedious noise and become more in touch with a deeper, more connected you.

In the West, scientists have begun to understand the nature of our internal commentary, as well as the many ways it interacts with our physical health. It seems that the relentless voice in your head reflects not only your own past learning, but also the collective experience that you’ve soaked up from others. Some experts suggest that the voice evolved as a survival tool, and its incessant messages are rooted in ancient problems and dangers. At work, that voice can provide you with warnings and motivation.

When we’re fully engaged in rewarding tasks, the voice may grow quiet. Too often, however, the whining monologue can become a nuisance, keeping us awake at night and subjecting us to needless worry. The voice can discourage us from taking risks, distract us from important work, and undercut our productivity.

The good news is that you don’t have to let that negative self-talk exhaust you. Here are a few ways to break free from compulsive negative thought patterns:

Just notice. Simply observing which thoughts tend to recur can help break their hold. Identify the niggling phrases that flow through your mind most frequently. Each time one returns, just observe it and try not to react. Remind yourself: It’s just that old thought and I don’t have to listen.

Reframe them. Make a list of your recurring negative thoughts. Draft a more positive alternative to each thought on your list. For example, if you keep thinking, “This job is boring,” your rewrite might be: “Today, I will take one step to make this job more interesting.” When the same old thought occurs, counter with the revised version. Repeat the reframed statement over and over. With enough repetitions, you can replace the old message with the more helpful new one.

Name them. You can get distance from recurring negative thoughts by putting a label on each thought pattern. For example, you might say to yourself, “That’s just my Monday morning chatter,” and let the babble go. Another technique is to visualize the narrator in your mind who is voicing the message. Then you may be able to dismiss your worries by saying, “Oh, that’s just my Monday morning Grinch talking.” I love Rick Carson’s classic book, Taming Your Gremlin, which suggests that you imagine how your internal narrator may look. By picturing your nasty little gremlin, you weaken its power to badger you.

So much of building resilience and feeling more comfortable with manageable risk is a matter of getting out of your own way. A good starting point is simply becoming aware of the voice in your head and recognizing that you don’t always have to listen.