25
Do’s and Don’ts of Saying “Sorry”

As we discussed in Chapter 19, people often judge you by the way you speak. If you develop annoying speech mannerisms, distracted listeners may not value your comments or perceive the full scope of your expertise. On the other hand, your personal brand is enhanced when you’re seen as someone who always seems to say the right thing.

Do you aspire to be one of those tactful, well-spoken people who are welcomed into most conversations? One way to begin to speak more gracefully is to listen carefully, so you can pick up cues from the crowd and adopt the best tone. Listening to the way other people interact enhances your sense of balance; it helps you to avoid the extremes of expressing too much or too little, or coming off as too warm or too cold.

Tact also requires an awareness of the tremendous power of certain words. Some words have more consequences than others and should be used with care. One of those big impact words is “sorry.” It’s typically defined to include emotions like regret, sadness, and penitence. But in practice it can have many shades of meaning. And when we say the phrase “I’m sorry” in a work environment, we might be expressing anything from remorse to subservience, uncertainty, or defiance.

The nuances of the word do vary with organizational cultures. But here’s my take on how, when, and whether to say, “Sorry”:

Do say you’re sorry when you’ve done something wrong. When you screw up on the job, the best plan is to confess immediately, apologize sincerely, and turn quickly to rectifying the situation or making sure it won’t happen again. For the victim, when you say “mea culpa” you make a bit of moral restitution. Your discomfort gives him some power over you, and he is able to decide whether to accept your apology or to withhold forgiveness. But apologizing can benefit you, as well. When you ‘fess up, it’s like a reset button, giving you a chance to move on and restore the normal order.

Be sincere. Not all apologies improve matters. Your “sorry” is more likely to be favorably received when you mean it. You can transmit the intensity of your regret by describing how you actually feel (“I was so upset that I couldn’t sleep last night”) and proposing a way to make up for your wrongdoing.

Do say “sorry” even if you weren’t to blame. Sometimes we say “I’m sorry” not to express remorse, but to show our compassion. This might happen when things go wrong in some way far beyond your control, such as when horrible weather inconveniences your guests. Or you might say “I’m so sorry” to acknowledge a personal loss, such as a death in the family. Some psychological research suggests that this kind of “superfluous” apology can promote a sense of trust and connection between you and the listener, and make everybody feel better.

Don’t say it when you don’t mean it. Saying “I’m sorry” when you actually feel the opposite can come across to the recipient like an insult. “Sorry” is a complex word and it can be inflammatory when your nonverbal message is the opposite of regret. Don’t make the situation worse by accompanying the phrase “I’m sorry” with a grimace or an eye roll. And avoid beginning your sentence with “I’m sorry, but . . .” When you don’t feel at fault, avoid making a fake apology. Instead, focus on improving the situation and say something positive such as, “Let’s see what we can do to fix this.”

Don’t say “sorry” to soften an insult. If you say, “Sorry, but this draft is no good,” don’t think your wording will make the message any easier to accept. If your remorse is genuine, make clear what it is you regret and then be direct in the way you deliver the rest of the message. You might say, “I’m truly sorry if this will ruin your weekend, but the client needs a number of changes in your draft.”

Don’t say “sorry” when there’s nothing to apologize for. Some people repeatedly say “sorry” as a conscious way to express deference or humility. For others, the pattern may be an unconscious expression of uncertainty. Either way, constant apologies can make you look frightened or powerless. My competent and generally confident client Tina* developed the verbal tic of saying “I’m sorry” every time she was about to ask a question or make a suggestion. Her use of the phrase became so engrained she didn’t know she was saying it. As soon as this habit was brought to her attention, Tina realized it made her sound like she was experiencing a crisis of confidence. Her closest colleagues admitted they found it annoying and, with her permission, they helped Tina break the habit by reminding her when there was no need to apologize.

Do you think that you say “I’m sorry” too often? Or perhaps you find it difficult to apologize and don’t do it often enough? Becoming more aware of your speech patterns can help you decide whether they need some tweaking. To capture a clear picture of this kind of speech habit, keep a log for a few weeks. Write down every instance in which you apologized, noting what you were regretting and any impact from your remark. Sometimes it’s hard to hear your own words, so this could be an occasion to call upon friends to gently point out your habit.