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The Real Meaning of “Networking” May Surprise You

While working with clients, I’ve often wished for another word for “networking.” Too often, the term seems to suggest a disingenuous glad-hander, talking too much and passing out business cards to uninterested bystanders.

That’s the image that seemed to hit Jack* when we spoke about ways he could lay the groundwork for a job transition. When I mentioned the benefits of expanding his network, Jack grimaced and said, “I don’t believe in that kind of thing. I’ve already got some real friends, and I’m not going to go to boring industry events just so I can try to make some fake ones.”

Your “network” is a vital, lifelong resource

Your “network” is a complex pattern of interconnecting relationships with other people. You might visualize it as a series of concentric circles, spreading out from you like a spider’s web:

Circle #1: In this innermost ring are your best friends and closest family. Many people, particularly introverts, prefer to spend much of their time here. But even dear friends move away or change directions. So one reason to stay engaged with other circles is to recruit additional folks to join you here with your home tribe.

Circle #2: Beyond your core group are newer friends, as well as people you’ve known for a long time but don’t see so regularly. Here you might include coworkers, neighbors, and friends of close friends. If you don’t make an effort to stay in touch, it is all too easy for members of this crowd to drift out of your orbit.

Circle #3: This large group could include dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of acquaintances from through the years. Among them are kids you went to school with, coworkers whose faces look familiar in the corridors, the members of your yoga class, and neighbors you wave to when you’re out walking. They might also include people you’ve never actually seen, like your social media buddies, or colleagues with offices on the other side of the world. When you start thinking about Circle #3, you might find it to be a rich source of professional contacts with whom you’re seldom in touch, but could be.

Circle #4: Your network expands considerably when you include people with whom you simply share a community. Maybe you’ve never met them, but you certainly could, because you hang out in the same places, belong to the same organizations, went to the same college, or work in the same field. You have something in common with each of these people, regardless of whether you’ve met or not.

Each of your Circles has a special role to play. For example, when you’re seeking clients or a new job, you might wish to focus your efforts on #3. That’s because the folks in #1 and #2 hear much the same news you do. Even if you’re not on a job hunt, Circle #3 can be a source of support. Leadership can be lonely, and approaching your work with a spirit of self-determination can be isolating, but you’ll feel less alone if you connect with your professional peers.

It’s hard to overestimate the value of all these various relationships in your career and your life. In all four of your Circles you can find people who will give you advice when you need it, and join the party when there’s something to celebrate. They are a source of career intelligence and many will reach out to help, even though they don’t yet know you well.

So networking is not about superficial glad-handing. It means expanding your web of connection, thinking about other people, and caring for human relationships with the potential to support you in every phase of your life. And it isn’t something you do in a panic, when it’s time to shift jobs. You can build networking into your normal life.

Don’t wait until a crisis to care for your network

When Jack* asked me to coach him in preparation for a job change, I knew he needed to discover how his social network could help. As things turned out, it did take Jack a while to build the momentum for his search. And then, unexpectedly, he decided to stay where he was, because his employer restructured his role.

Although he no longer was working toward a career shift, Jack elected to keep building his Circles anyway. He had come to understand how hard it is to overcome a neglected network. And, to his surprise, he’d found networking to be fun. Jack became active in an industry organization and joined a hiking club. Most importantly, he made the effort to develop deeper relationships with a number of colleagues and neighbors.

On the other end of the spectrum was Paul*, who spoke fondly of his network and seemed to treat it like a living creature. I knew that, without my prompting, Paul would open his job hunt by working his expansive Circles. He was well prepared because he’d spent years not only meeting more people, but also building on the many relationships he already had in place. As Paul understood, there are two important ways to tend to your network:

1) Keep it growing. Collecting more contacts is what people often mean when they speak of “networking.” To count, this requires forging a small connection with another person. It’s not enough to just hand your business card to strangers. You have to look them in the eye, find something in common, and perhaps make it into their address book.

2) Build on what you have. Networking isn’t just about encountering new people. Also important is staying connected with the ones you already know. Because my savvy client Paul understood this, he could rely upon a valuable resource for his career quest. A naturally kind guy, Paul’s routine style was to mentor young colleagues, reach out to people feeling left out, and set up lunches with old friends who acted too busy to plan for staying in touch. Paul was always willing to help, and so, when he needed help, he had a long list of professional contacts who were happy to return the favor.

Building and caring for relationships isn’t something you can do in a rush. It’s a gradual process that you can actually enjoy as you fold it into your regular life. And if you keep up the cadence of your networking, you’re unlikely to find yourself alone in a crisis.

Try these ways to nurture your network

In a political, career-focused city like Washington, watching the many styles of successful networkers can be fascinating. Some of the more conspicuous are born extroverts, thriving in a crowd and always eager for the next party. And some of the more successful are people who have been described as introverts—like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Laura Bush—whose well-planned social outreach helps them create resilient support systems.

If you want to become a more adept networker, test a variety of techniques and find ones that are comfortable and effective for you. To get started, try these strategies for developing new contacts and deepening existing relationships:

1) Be helpful. The essence of networking is exchanging help and support with other people. In a brief meeting, you might simply offer a smile or a kind word to another person. A key principle is to remain alert to small, easy opportunities to add value. Try these ways of being helpful to the people you know:

Make matches. Become known as a “connector” by matching needs and resources and making helpful introductions. Perhaps you meet someone who is moving to a new city and you have a friend who has lived there forever and is always looking for volunteers for his nonprofit. By making an e-mail introduction, you can help two people at once.

Show up. If somebody you know is giving a speech or planning an event they regard as important, work hard to be there. They may always remember that you made the effort.

Cheer. If an acquaintance does something well, let them know you noticed and offer congratulations. Don’t be afraid to show your affection and be willing to share in the excitement.

Notice rough patches. If you see that somebody has hit hard times, don’t wait for them to call you. Assume that they would be around if you were in need and reach out.

Volunteer. There is no better way to get to know people than to work with them. So to break into a group, look for a chance to help with their project. This might mean offering to join a committee at work, or looking around for nonprofit groups that make a contribution in your community.

2) Be in the moment. You may have casual contact with many people throughout each week. But if you’re like most folks, in some interactions you’re not actually paying attention. Instead of listening, maybe you’re thinking about what you want to say next. Or perhaps you’re worrying about another project altogether. Get more from your routine conversations by working harder to focus. In each brief encounter with a casual acquaintance, shift all your attention on the other person. Instead of spending more time on networking, spend more energy.

3) Network everywhere. When you’re in networking mode, it makes sense to vary your normal patterns and attend a wider variety of gatherings. But don’t think of networking occasions as special events that you attend once in a while for that single purpose. Successful networkers get around a lot, and they engage with others wherever they go. Every time you are out and about, whether it’s at a PTA conference or the gym, there’s a chance to meet somebody who could become a friend.

4) Know that every person counts. The networker who comes across as slimy is the one who always tries to wriggle close to the most important person in the room. Classy networkers understand that every individual counts. And they all figure out that some of the junior staffers they treat with kindness this year may be buying their product or running their company some time down the road.

5) Turn enemies into friends. It’s okay to approach folks who once were your career rivals. As time goes by, petty differences are often forgotten and shared experience becomes more important. A person you once regarded as an adversary may warmly greet you.

6) Work the crowd in smart ways. Use these techniques for making a success of conferences and other events:

Put in face time. It may not feel worthwhile to attend meetings or parties where you don’t know anybody, but go anyway. In networking, over the long term, you get points for just being there. People get used to seeing you, and before you know it you’re part of the regular crowd.

Plan before you go. When you meet somebody at a professional event, they are likely to ask, “What do you do?” Before you take off to that conference, practice your “elevator speech” so that you can quickly present the best version of your story. And have some questions in mind, so you can deftly refocus the attention on them. Your questions needn’t be job related. I used to play the game of seeing how many people I could get talking about their pets.

Take a few risks. Know that most people feel shy at least some of the time. So if nobody is speaking to you at an event, it might be because they don’t know what to say. Even if it makes you nervous, look for people who are standing or sitting alone and introduce yourself. Keep your list of questions in mind and accept the challenge of learning about them. Here’s a moment to summon up a bit of your entrepreneurial spirit. If some stranger does reject you, just let it go; remind yourself that they don’t know you, and it’s probably about their problem, not yours.

Be willing to serve. If you want to attract friendly notice, watch out for opportunities to do some of the work associated with the event. Conferences often give rise to follow-up tasks and membership options. So join committees, sign up for mailing lists, and volunteer for assignments, even if it just means carrying out the coffee cups.

Follow up. When you do meet somebody interesting, find a way to stay in touch. Let them know you enjoyed the conversation, send along information they might use, and sign up for their mailing lists. And whenever it seems appropriate, write “thank you” and congratulation notes.

Are you ready to get out there and build your network? One way to begin is connecting with a broader range of your professional peers. Contemplate your Circles, and define goals for developing existing relationships or recruiting new ones.