Chapter 5

Relationship Violence

Abstract

Chapter 5 examines relationship violence. Relationship violence is perhaps the most pervasive social issue of our day, and it is often the most underreported. Police in every jurisdiction, regardless of socioeconomic, educational, religious, or other standing, commonly deal with the issue of violence between intimates. In many of these cases, the violence, or threat of violence, is not reported until it becomes tragic. In other cases, one party will report the ongoing issues to the police, but not to his or her employer. Many victims of relationship violence are afraid to let their employers know for fear of losing their jobs. This reality can result in serious repercussions for organizations, which can be caught flat-footed when the domestic violence spills over into the workplace. Organizations need to take simple, yet profoundly impactful, steps to ensure they are aware when an employee is a victim of such abuse. Taking proactive steps such as training employees in what to look for, and how to safely and discreetly report their concerns or suspicions, is a reasonable and smart way to help prevent tragedy.

Keywords

abuse
domestic violence
Employee Assistance Program (EAP)
human degradation
relationship violence

“My father was one of those men who sit in a room and you can feel it: the simmer, the sense of some unpredictable force that might, at any moment, break loose, and do something terrible.”

—John Burnside, A Lie About My Father: A Memoir

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The prominence of relationship violence in our modern society is a social blight akin to the terrible human degradation brought by slavery in our country’s early existence.
Ben worked the second shift, which meant he would normally get home between 12:30 and 1 a.m. When he walked in the door at 8:20 p.m., everyone in the family knew that something must have happened at work, but no one wanted to ask. He poured himself bourbon on the rocks and settled into his reclining chair in the living room where his wife, Joan, and his 16-year-old son James were watching TV. Joan was putting together a binder of material for the real estate licensing course she was about to begin. Although he feigned approval of this enterprise when he was sober, he ultimately despised Joan’s venture. As with most wife abusers, he maintained control over her by making her feel worthless and by making her financially dependent on his income. While Joan continued assembling the binder, Ben sat there glaring at Joan with contempt. James noticed this and prayed that his mother would just put the binder and the real estate materials away. She continued, and James watched as his father’s already abhorrent mood escalated.
At about 10 p.m., Joan competed the binder and took it into the kitchen and set it on the counter by the door to the garage. Ben soon followed her and James could tell by the speed and tenacity with which he exited the recliner that the evening was going to go from bad to worse. He could hear his father making vile comments to Joan in a low guttural voice. Within seconds the sounds of a scuffle erupted, and James rounded the corner to see his father strangling his mother. He grabbed his father’s shoulders and was attempting to get in between his parents when his older sister, Rona, came bounding down the stairs yelling, “Stop it, stop it, please stop it.” Ben disengaged, and Rona took Joan upstairs where she would spend the night in Rona’s bedroom.
James realized that his father needed to be distracted and deescalated, otherwise round two would soon begin and it would be worse than round one. James asked his father to sit down, hoping to engage him in a little kitchen-table diplomacy. James interwove a lot of topics into the conversation and after a little more than an hour, he came around to the subject of how his father’s violent episodes were destroying Ben’s relationship with his wife and family. Eventually Ben took James’s hand and apologized. Ben then began to tell James how much he loved him. This went on for another hour until James pointed out how late it was, and as he had school the next day, he needed to get to sleep. Ben agreed and as they both stood up, Ben asked his son for a hug. Thinking that they had made progress during this talk, James went forward and hugged his father. That is when Ben attempted to sexually assault James. James pushed Ben away, whereupon Ben made another attempt. James pushed him away again and told Ben that his actions were inappropriate. At that point they made their way upstairs where Ben tried to entice James to come into his bedroom. James declined. A few minutes later Ben entered James’s room, sat down on the bed and once again, this time a little more sternly, tried to demand he come into his room. James again rebuffed Ben’s advances and wondered if he could roll off the other side of his bed and get to the old and dull World War II bayonet that he had recently purchased and kept under the bed. Fortunately, his father left and went back into his own bedroom.
The next day Rona left the house and went to stay with a friend. James was tired and distraught but preferred to be a sleepy student than stay at home. James did, however, miss his after-school shift at his part-time job. Joan missed her shift at the bank in which she worked and her subsequent first day of real estate school as she was upset, fatigued, and didn’t want anyone to see the bruises on her neck. (Relationship abuse is a very personal form of violence as it is meant to demonstrate the power and control the abuser has over his or her victim. Abusers tend to use their hands much more often than a weapon. School districts across the country would be doing the women of this nation a great service if physical education classes for female students focused on self-defense and self-esteem empowerment. Helping young women to become competent in breaking chokeholds and wrist grabs and teaching groin strikes, coupled with abuse awareness and social resources, would be a wonderful additional to the physical education curriculum.)
The family never spoke of this episode again.
There is no doubt that the abuse outlined in the preceding case is horrific, but the question that arises from it is whether this situation is of any concern to the businesses where Joan and Ben are employed. The family is in crisis, they are embarrassed, they think they are the only ones going through this traumatic stress, and they don’t know where to turn for help. But nothing involved in this incident took place on company premises, so it does not touch the business – right? No, it definitely does have a major effect on the business even though the abuse is taking place at home.
First let’s look at the scope and consequences of relationship abuse. In adults, about 1 out of every 4 women and 1.5 out of every 10 men are victimized in an abusive relationship. Along with the physical injuries that are associated with the abuse, the victims are also more likely to contract chronic diseases that may plague them for the rest of their life. Abused women are 70% more likely to develop heart disease, 80% more likely to experience a stroke, and 60% more likely to develop asthma than women who are not in abusive relationships.
So the first relationship violence area of impact is health care. If your organization provides medical benefits to your employees, relationship abuse is driving up your costs by increases in medical care, paid medical days off, and lost productivity to the tune of $8 billion a year in the United States. This constitutes $5.8 billion in medical costs and $2.5 billion in lost productivity. The $6 billion in increased medical costs means that employers pay more for their health-care benefit programs, and some increases in coverage and deductible costs are passed along to the employee base. Identifying and intervening in relationship abuse before it becomes a medical issue can help curb your health-care costs. [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] Rising health-care costs affect everyone. Remember, relationship violence is directly affecting 24% of your female employees and 14% of your male associates. It also indirectly affects many of your other staff members as well. When your victimized employees lose workdays because of their injuries, fatigue, and depression, other employees have to pick up the slack. This can cause a drain in employee wellness and morale. An employee victimized by relationship violence can also cause a security risk for your other employees as demonstrated in the next case study.
Week 1: The call came in to the corporate security director late on a Friday afternoon. Ray, the manager of an organization in a small town, called to report that last week he had, once again, suspended an employee named Diane because of unexcused absences. The current absence was her final warning as prescribed by the organization’s policies and she had been suspended for one week. Ray stated that he had just called Diane to inform her of her schedule for the upcoming week, whereupon her husband, Jim, answered the phone. Jim told Ray that if he didn’t stop “fucking with his wife,” he would kill Ray. Ray related that he didn’t really think Jim would kill him, but he wanted to know if he could fire Diane over the threats made by her husband. A subsequent discussion with the human resources and employee relations department determined that they would not terminate Diane over her husband’s threat. The security director, knowing that unexcused absences are frequently a symptom of domestic violence, asked Ray if he had any reason to believe that Diane was in an abusive relationship. Ray did not think so. The security director then asked if Diane had ever shown up for work with visible signs of bruising or shown evidence of trying to cover up bruising. After a few moments of thought, Ray did remember a time when Diane wore long-sleeved blouses during an uncomfortable heat wave. Toward the end of the week, she came in wearing short sleeves, but many employees noted that she had applied makeup on her arms to cover up bruises. He also remembered another instance where she wore sunglasses for a week. Ray and many others commented to themselves that when they looked at Diane from the side, it was evident that she had two black eyes.
At this point there was no direct threat toward anyone in the facility and no actual evidence to support the assumption that Diane was being abused at home. The organization felt the need to do something but needed to be cautious at this juncture. They decided to have Ray meet with Diane on her return to work and provide her with a clear but tactful message.
First, Ray explained the seriousness of the absence policy and made sure Diane fully understood that her next unexcused absence would result in her termination. It was hoped that she would go home and reiterate that information to her husband Jim so that they were both aware that the next absence would result in her separation from the company. In this way Jim would not be surprised if Diane lost her job.
Second, Ray explained to Diane that there may be many reasons why someone may have difficulty making it to work and the company had an employee assistance plan whose counselors were adept at helping people resolve whatever issue affected their attendance reliability. Ray then gave her a business card for the employee assistance plan and even offered to dial the phone number for her and leave the room. Diane politely declined the offer for assistance and went back to work.
Week 5: For several weeks nothing further happened. On day 28 after Diane’s return to work, Ray called the security director late on a Friday afternoon. He stated that on the previous Monday, Diane came to work with obvious evidence that she had been assaulted. Diane explained that on Sunday evening, Jim had become enraged because she had not put a tool back in its proper place. He pushed her through the door leading into the garage, threw her to the garage floor, and began beating her about the head and shoulders. During the attack, her adult daughter walked in, as she was supposed to be going to dinner with them. She told Jim to stop his assault and told him she was calling the police. He responded, “Go ahead and call them, I’ll kill them all.” On the arrival of the police, Diane was taken to the hospital to have her injuries examined, while Jim was booked into the city jail for assault.
Diane then told Ray that she was going to stay with a friend who lived in another state to get away from Jim for an undetermined amount of time. She was leaving right away so that she could get out before Ray had his bond hearing and came home.
Ray told Diane that Jim had been calling the company everyday asking to speak to Diane. Jim was continually told that Diane was not there. Finally, Jim told the receptionist who took his call to tell Diane that if she pursued the criminal charges against him, he would kill her. He further told the receptionist that if he could not get to Diane, then he would come to the company’s facility and get Ray. He went on to say that if he could not get to Ray, he would get Ray’s wife and then recited Ray’s home address to the receptionist to show that he was serious. The receptionist then relayed the message to Ray and many other employees within the organization. Several of the women in the facility told Ray that they had told their husbands of Ray’s call and several of the husbands were going to sit in the parking lot with their shotguns in case Jim showed up. Ray did not have any phone numbers for where Diane would be staying, so there was no way to follow up with her and get more information about Jim.
The security director dispatched an investigator to visit the police department with two purposes: Arrange off-duty police coverage for Ray’s facility and find out what they knew about Ray. On meeting with the watch commander, the investigator learned that just about every officer on the police force had experienced a run-in with Jim. The watch commander explained that several years ago, Jim had been involved in a serious industrial accident at his place of employment. Since then he had exhibited violent and paranoid tendencies. The watch commander stated that Jim had gotten in several physical altercations because he thought that he was being followed. He approached cars at stoplights or forced them over to the side of the road and assaulted the drivers who he perceived to be following him. In the past this also included assaults to police officers who may have been behind him in traffic. The watch commander suggested that the company take Jim’s threats seriously.
Off-duty police officers were hired to safeguard the facility and manager; supervisors and receptionists were instructed that if Jim called he was to be politely informed that as the company did not know where Diane was or when she would be returning, they would be unable to take any messages for her from him. Ray reported that over the next two weeks, Jim’s calls became less frequent and his demeanor was less intimidating.
Week 7: Two weeks later Diane returned to work and told Ray that she was going to be staying with her daughter for the time being. The security investigator interviewed Diane, and her statements confirmed what the watch commander had relayed to the investigator. Diane further related that Jim was keeping a baseball bat along the driver’s seat in his car. She also stated that he had several firearms and frequently kept one in his vehicle as well. The company determined that her presence in the facility put her coworkers’ lives at risk, therefore they decided to have her take another two-week leave of absence and continue to assess any developments as they occurred. Additionally, the company offered to transfer Diane to a facility around 100 miles away in a very large city where the company had many different campuses making it very difficult for Jim to find her. Diane turned down the transfer offer.
Week 9: During this two-week leave of absence, Jim got a message to Diane through a friend, telling her “he could not go through another divorce; one of them would have to die.” The company decided to continue to have off-duty police officers in their facility and give Diane another two-week leave of absence.
Week 11: Diane reported that she had again been contacted by Jim through a friend who explained that Jim was now in psychological counseling and he was requesting that Diane join him in the sessions. Diane stated that she intended to go to the therapy sessions with him. The company advised her that she might want to contact the psychologist to verify that he was in counseling and ask the psychologist to reveal that he had come seeking therapy for his anger and violent tendencies rather than merely seeking marriage counseling. The company also continued her leave of absence.
Week 13: Diane revealed that she has been to two counseling sessions with Jim and felt safe to be around him. She also stated that Jim informed her that he would be retiring as he felt that his job added too much stress to his life and triggered some of his rage. Diane reported that her intention was to continue to go to counseling with Jim for another month, and if everything went well, she would move back into their home. The company advised her that she might want to check with the human resource department at Jim’s employer to verify that he had notified them of his decision to retire. Diane’s leave of absence was extended as the company continued to feel that her presence at the workplace endangered her coworkers.
Week 18: Diane reported that she had moved back in with Jim and would like to return to work. The company responded by offering her a cash severance package in exchange for her resignation.
This case study exemplifies several important points: The first is that these situations are sometimes with you for a long period of time. This case took four and a half months to work through. The second point is the concept of managing the fear of people within the organization. There was good reason for them to be afraid of Jim. He had many prior exhibitions of violence and rage; he had many encounters with the police to the point that the threat of notifying the authorities no longer had any effect on his actions; and he had made a direct threat to bring violence to their facility: “If I can’t get to Diane then I will come down there and get Ray…” There was genuine fear of Jim and therefore, they did not want Diane back at the workplace.
One of the questions that will frequently arise during the discussion of this case regards the fairness of offering a severance package to Diane in order to get her to leave the company. Our response is that it was not fair to ask her to leave the company. But it was also not fair to continue her employment and possibly put her coworkers’ lives at risk. It was not fair for her coworkers to suffer the continued anxiety of wondering when Jim’s temper might flair up again. It was also not fair for the company to be put in the position of having to make this decision. But sometimes life is not fair, and in this situation, there were no good options to be found, so the company chose the option that benefited the majority of their employees. It was not a great option, but there were no great options available and the severance package was the best option available at the time.

Observable Symptoms of Relationship Violence

Because relationship violence is the most prevalent type of workplace violence that your organization may experience, it is important for you to know the observable symptoms that may be present in the victim’s behavior. As a cautionary note, however, on any given day, anyone may exhibit these symptoms for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with being the victim of relationship abuse. What you are looking for are negative, sustained changes in their behavior and not merely acute behavioral anomalies because of someone was having a bad day. Not surprisingly, many of these symptoms are also present as the symptoms of depression.
1. Fatigue, tardiness, or unexplained absences. The abuse, be it verbal or physical, frequently occurs at night and is often alcohol infused. It may begin at midnight or 1 a.m. and last for an hour or longer. When the abuser falls asleep, the victim is racked with fear and adrenaline and cannot easily fall asleep. Once the alarm clock goes off, the victim may have had less than two hours sleep and this will manifest itself in either being very groggy at work, being late, or being absent from work altogether.
2. Withdrawing from interactions with other employees. The victim of relationship abuse is frequently very near a breakdown and a simple question from a coworker such as, “How are you doing?” can be all it takes for the victim to collapse in tears. To defend themselves from a breakdown, they erect emotional walls and create emotional and sometimes physical distance from their work associates.
3. Exhibiting low self-esteem. The abuser has inundated the victim with negative messages that the victim is worthless, stupid, unable to make decisions, unable to handle his or her own finances, and couldn’t survive without the abuser. These messages, coupled with the victim’s perceived inability to escape from the relationship, can be a severe detriment to the victim’s self-esteem.
4. Not taking a lunch break. There can be several reasons for not taking a lunch break. The victim may lack an appetite caused by the abuse or fatigue. The victim may not take a lunch break because he or she doesn’t want to be around other employees as noted in point 1. And the victim may not take a lunch break as the abuser is controlling the household finances and is not giving the victim the funds to buy a lunch or prepare a lunch at home.
5. Receiving frequent cell phone calls that cause the employee to leave the work area. There are usually two reasons for leaving the work area to take a call. Victims don’t want coworkers to overhear the abuser yelling and/or the victim doesn’t want coworkers to see him or her crying.
6. Visible bruises or attempting to conceal bruises. Concealment techniques may include the use of too much makeup over the affected areas, wearing jackets or other out-of-place garments to cover the bruises, or wearing sunglasses to conceal a black eye.
There are many reasons why someone might be skipping lunches or have a visible bruise that don’t involve domestic abuse, so we would like to reiterate that you should be observant of these symptoms as clusters of sustained changes to the person’s normal behavior.

Discussing Your Concerns with the Associate

Once you have observed an employee or associate exhibiting sustained clusters of the aforementioned changes to his or her behavior, you will want to try assist. There are steps that you should consider as well as things to avoid. First, do not allude to the fact that you feel that your employee or associate is in an abusive relationship. They may be inclined to deny it, they may be embarrassed by it, and you may be completely wrong. Even if they are in an abusive relationship, they may go home and tell the abuser about your allegation, which may put you in a precarious position. Also, keep the discussion focused on helping them and do not imply that there are any disciplinary implications from this discussion unless the behaviors are violating your organization’s policies or unless the behaviors have resulted in documented degradation of their work performance. Keep the discussion focused on the behaviors and do not mention any conclusions that you have drawn regarding the cause of those behaviors.
Work with other professionals in your organization, such as human resources or benefits, to draft a script and list the resources that are available through your employee assistance program (EAP) or other counseling services available through your organization or within your local community. Become familiar with your script but do not have the script in front of you when you meet with the person. You want your genuine concern to come through and that is somewhat difficult if you are frequently glancing down at a script or bullet points on a sheet of paper.
When you commence your meeting, a great way to start it off is by asking this question: “If I were to have a concern about you, you would want me to talk to you about it, wouldn’t you?” The person will undoubtedly say “yes,” and now you can list the behaviors that have caught your attention and explain why they have caused you to be concerned (e.g. “You’ve been coming in late quite a bit”; “You no longer come to our service anniversary luncheons”; and “You seem to be purposefully shying away from everyone else in the office.”). Use positive statements to build the employee or associate up (e.g. “You’re a valued member of our organization,” etc.). Explain to the employee or associate that there are many reasons why someone may be exhibiting the behaviors you have noticed and your organization has options that have been successful in helping other people. List the benefits from your EAP or other counseling options, explain how to take advantage of the programs that are available, and even offer to call one of those options right then, giving the employee or associate time to talk one on one with an intake counselor. There are likely three outcomes to this conversation:
1. They may take you up on your offer and may or may not admit that they are involved in an abusive relationship.
2. They may tell you that their behavior is due to some other cause, such as the death of a close family member, and still take you up on your offer.
3. They many deny that they need any help whatsoever.
Even if option 3 is all you get, you should remind them that you were expressing your concern for them and that your “door is always open.” They may come back and take you up on your offer at a later point. Always remember that you should continually stress that the reason for this conversation is to help them.
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