6
Leave Out the Commercials: Let the Sentences Sell the Message
“The love of economy is the root of all virtue.”
—George Bernard Shaw
COMMERCIALS ON TELEVISION OR THE radio can be viewed as either clever, entertaining, and informative or insulting, ridiculous, and annoying, or perhaps both. Commercials in writing are fancy or unfamiliar words and terms or long-winded sentences that interrupt the reader’s ability to follow or understand your message. For the most part, they need to be avoided. Even though you are often trying to “sell” an idea in daily business correspondence, why not let precise words and clearly expressed sentences do the “selling”?
In creating your first draft, construct short, simple sentences, with each expressing one idea. Later you can transform these sentences into longer or more detailed ones. The benefit of limiting each sentence to one idea will help you focus on the individual parts that need to be assembled into a cohesive whole. If you’ve ever built a model plane, ship, or car you know that first you have to assemble the various sections piece by piece before putting them all together. The same holds true for the sentences you construct.
Your first attempt might result in a rambling sentence such as this:
In order to make a manual as well-written as possible, a writer should, before he or she begins to write, consider the key steps or procedures essential for the user or operator to understand.
Upon second thought, you decide this revised version clearly states the focus:
When preparing a manual, the writer must consider the sequence of procedures.
Variety Is the Spice of Sentence Structure
Expressing your message initially by using simple sentences will help you focus on individual key details and concerns. Yet a series of simple sentences alone can result in a dull, choppy rhythm:
John is a competent manager. He often achieves his goals. He should be promoted.
Rather, these ideas can be combined to produce a more graceful flow of ideas:
John, a competent manager who often achieves his goals, should be promoted.
Effective sentences are varied according to length and construction. All sentences need not begin with the, a, an, it, there, or here because the reader will soon weary of the monotonous repetition. The best sentences combine or interweave precise words and well-constructed phrases to create graceful, flowing rhythmic thought patterns.
Length
Sentences that average 10 to 20 words will convey your thoughts most effectively. Of course, shorter length alone is no guarantee of clarity. Still, sentences of 25 words or more have a greater tendency to confuse and disorient your reader or delay your message.
I would appreciate it very much if each of you remember that if there are any future occasions when it is necessary to bring matters like this regarding refunds to my attention to send your message to the Customer Service Department with a copy to me rather than sending the message directly to my attention. (55 words)
A sentence such as this contains quite a few “commercials” that make the reader’s journey longer than it needs to be. If time is money, both writer and reader are paying too much. Simply stated, the message could read:
Please send all future messages regarding refunds directly to Customer Service and forward a copy to me. (17 words)
Sentence Structure
Combining short sentences into graceful ones is only one of a number of helpful considerations you need to bear in mind when constructing sentences. These techniques include:
Prefer Active to Passive Voice
Poor passive voice is so often maligned by writing instructors. Even grammar checkers consistently alert us to the dangerous presence of a “passive construction.” So what’s so bad about passive voice and just what is it? The truth is that there’s nothing wrong with passive voice. Rather, it’s a question of when and how to use it. Anyone trained in the technical professions learned to appreciate the value and preference for passive voice sentences to convey objectivity in reports, tests, and other studies. The engineer learned to write “A problem was found” rather than “I found a problem” to avoid using the pronoun “I” and to convey information from a distance, so to speak, that underscored the validity and objectivity of his or her observations.
In active voice, the emphasis is placed on the subject or doer of the action:
The active sentence is constructed according to basic English subject-verb-object sentence structure. Passive reverses the order and places the emphasis on the recipient of the action:
The report was written by the manager.
Both active and passive voice sentences are grammatically correct. It’s a question of which one is most appropriate to the purpose and tone of your message.
Passive voice is best used when:
• You want the reader to focus on an activity or occurrence rather than who or what caused it to happen:
Procedures have been written to ensure safety.
• The doer is unknown:
The copy machine is broken.
• You don’t want to assign blame:
A mistake was made in processing the data.
• A process is described:
The powder is added to the mixture.
Note: When writing instructions for the operator or user, always use active voice and place the verbs in the beginning of the sentence for emphasis:
Insert the card.
Do not write the weaker and less direct sentence:
The card is inserted.
I have often visualized active voice sentences as being similar to the quickest auto route, be it by highway, turnpike, or freeway. Passive voice, when appropriate or well constructed, is the scenic route. It takes a little longer to get there but it’s worth it for the scenery, restaurants along the way, and historic sites. Poorly written or unnecessary passive voice represents the long way: construction, stop signs, traffic lights, railroad crossings, and so forth. You would never want to write (or read) this sentence:
Your letter has been answered by me.
This is certainly passive voice at its worst. Remember that active voice sentences have greater vigor and often use fewer words to express your thoughts. When attempting to transform passive into active voice, ask yourself who or what is doing something and begin the sentence with the answer.
• PASSIVE: The project was discussed by the supervisors.
• ACTIVE: The supervisors discussed the project.
Expose Camouflaged Verbs
Verbs sometimes hide from your readers when introduced by other verbs such as make, do, give, take, perform, provide, have, and be:
Martha will take under consideration the proposal.
The true verb (consider) is hidden by the helping verb and the sentence is longer than it should be:
Martha will consider the proposal.
Shorten Prepositional Phrases
Your sentences may include phrases that begin with prepositions such as in, for, to, on, with, above, and others. One way to tighten the structure is to shorten these phrases to single words. Instead of writing:
We are extending overtime in view of the fact that we need to complete several projects.
Try:
We are extending overtime because we need to complete several projects.
Use Adjectives and Adverbs Instead of Phrases
You may recall that adjectives describe nouns (people, places, things) and adverbs describe or modify verbs. Whenever possible, your sentence structure will benefit from transforming phrases into adjectives and adverbs. For example, instead of writing:
We have made reductions in the costs of our operation.
Whenever there is a deadline, Victor writes in a quick way.
Try:
We have reduced our operating (adjective) costs.
Whenever there is a deadline, Victor writes quickly. (adverb)
Delete Unnecessary Articles, Prepositions, and Pronouns
Articles (a, an, the), prepositions (of), pronouns (it), and indicative words (there, here) can often be deleted from phrases and sentences where they serve little purpose. Instead of writing “many of the companies” or “the use of technology allows,” try “many companies” and “technology allows.” Rather than “It was our research department that provided the data,” you could state, “Our research department provided the data.”
You might ask what’s so valuable about removing one or two brief words. The answer is that you achieve greater economy of expression even though nothing dramatic has been changed. Yet similar to the small monetary change you may toss daily into a jar, small changes in sentence structure can add up to improved flow of ideas.
Maintaining Balance and Importance: Coordinate and Subordinate Ideas
In our lives, we often understand the value of relationships, whether personal or professional. Sentences also contain elements or details that have relationships. It helps to be aware of opportunities for constructing sentences in which the ideas are coordinated (equal in importance or value) or subordinated (one idea is more important or dependent upon another for its meaning).
Sentence ideas can be coordinated by using connecting words and expressions such as and, or, but, either…or, and neither…nor.
Sentences Before Coordination:
The manager is seeking greater understanding of his assistant’s concerns. The assistant wants the manager to understand her needs.
After Coordination:
The manager and his assistant seek better understanding of each other’s needs.
Now the manager’s and assistant’s needs and expectations are expressed with greater balance and economy.
Sentence elements can be subordinated by using words such as after, when, while, if, since, although, through, before, until, whether, unless, and because at the beginning or middle of a sentence.
Before Subordination:
Jack felt anxious about the interview. He knew he had a good chance of getting the job.
After Subordination:
Jack felt anxious about the interview although he knew he had a good chance of getting the job.
Subordinating Jack’s belief in his ability to obtain the job to his anxiety underscores the prevalence or power of his nervousness.
Maintain Parallelism
Parallelism refers to a grammatical balance or structural consistency of various elements within your sentences. Sometimes the problem lies with the verb tenses or perhaps mixing active and passive voice in offering instructions or presenting a list that alternates between fragments and complete sentences. When you read a sentence lacking parallelism, you get the feeling that something is not quite right or that something impedes the smooth flow of information. Here are some examples of sentences containing nonparallel elements:
1. Derek has many hobbies. He likes to build model airplanes, racing vintage cars and collects arrowheads.
2. Paula is an intelligent, dedicated manager who is also cooperative.
In the first sentence the verbs are not consistent; in the second the adjective alone will suffice and needs to be placed before the noun it describes.
1. Derek has many hobbies. He likes to build model airplanes, race vintage cars and collect arrowheads.
2. Paula is an intelligent, dedicated and cooperative manager.
Don’t Be Ambiguous
In our daily conversations, whenever we sense doubt or confusion in the listener’s mind we can always explain our meaning. Usually we say, “In other words…” or “What I’m trying to say is…” or “Let me draw you a picture.” In writing there’s no opportunity to explain ourselves. Your readers either understand you or they don’t. It’s all or nothing, and the odds are against you, so you need to be aware of ambiguous sentences. The problem is that sometimes we don’t see the possibility for confusion or interpretation because to us all is clear. So we may write:
The cost of the printer only was $100.
At first glance you may see little problem with this sentence. However, it can be interpreted in two ways: Are you saying that the printer alone, exclusive of all other equipment, cost $100 or that the price of the printer was $100? Whichever thought you want to express, the sentence must be rewritten to express either:
The printer cost only $100.
Or
The cost of only the printer was $100.
In speech, meaning is conveyed through the vocal emphasis we would place on the word only but in writing the reader can’t hear the distinction. Even though the intended meaning of each sentence may be clear to us, we often have to ask ourselves if any sentence is prone to interpretation. If so, revise the sentence to remove that possibility. Sometimes the task may prove daunting, as in this sentence:
Jane told Barbara her handbag has been stolen.
Whose handbag was stolen? Can you really tell? When you suspect a sentence may be inclined to expressing a dual meaning, ask two people to read it and offer an opinion. If they differ or ask, “Is this what you’re trying to say?” it’s time to rewrite the sentence by beginning in your own mind with these words: “What I’m really trying to say here is….”
To Generalize Is to Err and Confuse
Generalizations are comparable to stereotypes. There may be some small truth inherent, but that is not enough to present the full picture. In fact, upon closer examination, we often discover that all stereotypes present distorted images of people and events. The success of your writing can be measured by your ability to progress from the general to the specific and from the abstract and vague to the concrete. Generalizations, such as those presented in this sentence, can only lead to confusion for your reader:
A majority of our customers preferred the new software.
Just how large was that majority? Fifty-three percent? Seventy-five percent? Ninety percent? Also, which new software do they prefer? The writer who sent this sentence to his manager no doubt received one back, asking these questions.
Fragments, Comma Splices, and Run-On Sentences Are No-Nos
In everyday conversations we often use fragment sentences to convey our thoughts. If someone in our office asks, “Where are you going?” we might answer, “To get coffee” or “Downstairs” or “Mary’s office.” In most instances, we have little trouble understanding fragmentary speech. Also, in speech we don’t pronounce punctuation marks. Rather, our pauses or rhythms of expressions provide the commas and periods. When we’re excited or in a rush our ideas are expressed through runaway sentences, long interconnected thoughts that often flow breathlessly. Writing, unfortunately, does not welcome any of these manners of communication. Writing, or rather your reader, insists upon complete thoughts.
You may ask, is that so? Then how is it that almost daily fragment sentences can be found in the most renowned newspapers and magazines? So why can’t you do it? Well, you can. No one can truly stop you. After all, the use of fragments in those stories and articles is surely attributable to editorial or, in the writer’s mind, poetic license.
Fiction writers may use fragments for atmospheric or realistic effect. In real life no one speaks in complete, perfectly constructed sentences. Still, you would be wise to avoid the following given the likelihood that your reader or reviewer does not feel inclined to granting you editorial or poetic license.
Fragment Sentence
Fragment sentences lack a subject, verb, or phrase to complete a thought.
Example:
A fine idea. (no subject or verb)
Correction:
Your suggestion is a fine idea.
Example:
Bob been promoted to supervisor. (Missing helping verb)
Correction:
Bob has been promoted to supervisor.
While you were out.(missing phrase)
Correction:
While you were out, your sister called.
Comma Splice Sentence
Comma splices occur when two independent complete sentences are joined by a comma and not followed by a conjunction (and, or, but, for, so, nor, yet) rather than a semicolon or separated by a period. (See Appendix B for Guidelines to Punctuation.)
Example:
Alexis is busy writing a report this morning, after lunch, she can meet with you.
Corrections:
Alexis is busy writing a report this morning, but after lunch, she is can meet with you.(Add a conjunction after the comma.)
or
Alexis is busy writing a report this morning; after lunch, she can meet with you.
(Place a semicolon between the sentences.)
or
Alexis is busy writing a report this morning. After lunch, she can meet with you.
(Place a period between the sentences.)
Run-On Sentence
Run-on sentences lack any punctuation and are among the most troublesome of all, because your reader has no idea where ideas begin and end.
Example:
We have decided that our policies and procedures are confusing therefore we have decided to revise them we need your input regarding what you find confusing, please let us know.
Correction:
We have decided that our policies and procedures are confusing. Therefore, we have decided to revise them. We need your input regarding what you find confusing. Please let us know.
Sentence Structure
The best sentences combine simplicity of expression with a certain amount of sophistication. Here are some pitfalls to avoid:
The Overuse of the Word and to Connect Too Many Independent Sentences
Either place periods between the sentences or rewrite them to condense the information.
Example:
Judy is a very fine organizer and she has a very good sense of time management and her ability to relate to people is a definite talent and I believe she is the person who will best represent our organization at the conference next month.
Revision:
Judy is a very fine organizer with a very good sense of time management. Because her ability to relate to people is a definite talent, I believe she is the person who will best represent our organization at the conference next month.
Double Negatives to Prevent Confusing Your Readers
Example:
It is not unwise of Sandy to decide not to change the supervisor’s observations.
Ordering the new software is not unnecessary.
Revision:
Sandy is wise to avoid challenging the supervisor’s observations.
Ordering the new software is necessary.
Separating Related Parts of Compound Verbs
Example:
Charlie decided, even though Connie objected, to go bowling instead of to the opera.
Revision:
Even though Connie objected, Charlie decided to go to bowling instead of to the opera.
Dangling Participles (Beginning a Sentence With an “-ing” Phrase Unrelated to the Words That Follow
Example:
Drinking a cup of tea, the doorbell rang.
Revision:
I was drinking a cup of tea when the doorbell rang.
Sentences Beginning With Infinitive Phrases (to Play, to Write, and So on) That Result in Awkward Structure and Confusion
Example:
To return the package quickly, a small fee was charged.
Revision:
The shipper charged a small fee to return the package quickly.
High-Strung Sentences
Just as high-strung people can be difficult to get along with, so can sentences that contain too many descriptive words strung together in uninterrupted sequence. For example:
The manual explains Distribution Center management personnel training.
We have decided to use a training needs planning summary survey.
Sentences with these strung-together words challenge your reader to untangle the words and sort them into a coherent order by way of intellectual cut-and-paste work. By using connective articles, prepositions, and pronouns, the revised sentences will read:
The manual explains training of management personnel in the Distribution Center.
We have decided to use a survey to plan and summarize our training needs.
Which sentences would you rather receive?
Building Blocks of Ideas: Paragraphs
If words are the tools that “build” sentences, paragraphs help to arrange your ideas into “building blocks” of information. Paragraphs, often defined as individual units or sections of thought, help you expand and develop your ideas.
Introductory Paragraphs
Good introductory paragraphs state your main idea, focus, purpose, or need. Introductory paragraphs are similar to first impressions. Keep in mind that if you don’t get the reader’s attention in the beginning, you may not get it at all. When we read a book, attend a movie, or turn on the television or radio, consider how important the beginning is, whether the first pages or the first few minutes of the film or program or broadcast. If we don’t find what we see or hear interesting, we place the book aside, ask for a refund at the theater, or change the channel or station.
You don’t want your reader to change channels when it comes to your writing.
Example
The purpose of this series of workshops is to provide you with the concepts and theories to develop marketing and management strategies for selected markets for our products and services. Although these markets have their particular requirements, in general, a clearly articulated and focused marketing strategy is required to serve these markets effectively and profitably.
Supporting Paragraphs
The opening paragraph is followed by supporting details or data that elaborate on your initial point of interest or central idea. These consist of examples, figures, numerical data, dates, observations, file numbers—anything that expands, explains, or offers support to your message. The ideas must flow smoothly from the opening to middle to concluding paragraphs. Sentences and paragraphs have relationships that must be indicated.
Example
Marketing is defined as detecting and meeting customer needs at a profit. As you develop a marketing strategy, it is important to think in terms of what our unique products and services can offer. If your marketing efforts are to be successful, they must address the needs of the buyer. For this reason, the market planning and management processes that you will be learning in these workshops will focus on ways to help you develop a marketing strategy that emphasizes accurate assessment of the customer’s needs. For this series of workshops, you will be divided into several work groups, each of which will be responsible for developing a strategy for a different market, product, or service.
Directional Words: The Highway Signs of Writing
Imagine traveling cross country by car along a highway with many entrance and exit ramps but no signs. How would you know where to get off? The same applies to paragraph structure: You need to provide directions to your reader that advise of where some ideas begin, round a curve, proceed uphill, change direction, or end. The following list of transition or directional words and phrases can serve as the highway signs to your writing. They will help you initiate your thoughts and provide transitions and continuity among sentences within a paragraph or among the paragraphs themselves.
To Indicate Comparison, Reversal, or Limitation:
• but.
• however.
• nevertheless.
• on the contrary.
• on the other hand.
• conversely.
• yet.
• although.
• even though.
Examples:
Michael wants to attend an opera, but Margo prefers to see a Broadway comedy.
Dave is, on the other hand, a superb manager
To Indicate Addition and Continuity:
• and.
• also.
• moreover.
• in the same manner.
• furthermore.
• likewise.
• similarly.
Examples:
Vinny is a musician and his brother is a lawyer.
We are, in addition, planning to buy a house in the country.
To Indicate Time Order or Sequence:
• first.
• next.
• beforeafter.
• subsequently.
• consequently.
• concurrently.
• currently.
• later.
• soon.
• immediately.
• then.
• last.
Example:
Before you begin writing the report, first you need to establish your purpose, then consider your reader, and last decide upon the central focus of your study.
To Indicate Instance or Example:
• for example.
• for instance.
• in particular.
• in general.
The film Jeremy directed recently, for example, clearly shows his talent for comedy.
To Indicate Emphasis:
• in fact.
• primarily.
• significantly.
• most important.
• indeed.
• certainly.
• undoubtedly.
Example:
Pamela has, in fact, already expressed her support for the new program.
To Indicate Conclusion or Consequence:
• finally.
• in conclusion.
• as a result.
• eventually.
• so.
• therefore.
• in summary.
• in closing.
Example:
We are, therefore, confident the new procedures will lead to improved customer service.
And So: Concluding Paragraphs
The closing sentence completes the thought or serves as a transition to the next paragraph.
At the end of the last workshop on Friday, each group will present a summary and visual presentation of its strategy to the other groups and senior management. In addition, after the training program each group will be responsible for preparing a written presentation for senior managers interested in the various workshop topics.
Paragraph Length
Writing quality is difficult to quantify and so too are the lengths for paragraphs. Some editors suggest five to seven sentences; others suggest no more than 100 words; still others believe a fifth or quarter of a page is a sensible limit. Another theory is to measure your paragraphs to see if they exceed two inches. There’s no one best way. Just remember that in general paragraphs need to begin with a sentence that conveys a main idea or important detail or element of your message.
Example of a Developing Paragraph
First Version
Coronado & Company is a leading nationwide provider of diagnostic imaging services and operator of state-of-the-art mobile diagnostic imaging systems and related outsourced radiology services in the United States.
This paragraph offers a fairly straightforward description of the company’s services. The reader is provided with general information about the company and no more.
Second Version
Coronado & Company is a leading nationwide provider of diagnostic imaging services and operator of state-of-the-art mobile diagnostic imaging systems and related outsourced radiology services in the United States. The company primarily provides MRI systems and services as well as full-service management of imaging operations.
This version adds descriptive information that provides the reader with specific details about the equipment and services, therefore extending the range of the initial opening statement.
Third Version
Coronado & Company is a leading mobile MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) service provider in the United States. The company primarily provides MRI systems and services to hospitals on a mobile share basis and operates MRI fixed site units on hospital campuses. Coronado & Company’s services allow hospitals to gain access to advanced diagnostic imaging technology and valuable technical support services without having to invest in equipment and personnel.
This version offers a more comprehensive view of the company. The opening now includes a definition of the acronym MRI and a closing sentence expressing the financial and staffing benefits the company’s services offer to hospitals.
Paragraphs: Divide and Conquer
Uninterrupted blocks of information can easily overwhelm your reader. Always look for opportunities to divide the information into segments or components. Smaller pieces of information are often easier to digest and allow your reader to more readily absorb the information. For example:
GSP Wireless, Inc. is the largest provider of mobile phone equipment and services in the South. The company has a strong presence in all of the southeastern and western states from North Carolina to Florida to Arizona. Currently, GSP Wireless enjoys a 5-percent market share and is expected to increase with future acquisition of smaller, lesser-known competitors. GSP Wireless has a strong name recognition and reputation for quality equipment and exceptional service. The company is the largest operator of state-of-the-art wireless phone equipment and services compared to its competitors. GSP Wireless has substantial financial flexibility and access to lower-cost capital to expand its market base, engage in product research and development, and offer service plans to meet a wide range of customer needs and budgets.
Although the passage is generally readable, the amount of details combined with its length results in information overload for the reader. Dividing this passage into smaller paragraphs produces a more accessible format:
GSP Wireless, Inc. is the largest provider of mobile phone equipment and services in the South. The company has a strong presence in all of the southeastern and western states from North Carolina to Florida to Arizona. Currently GSP Wireless enjoys a 51-percent market share, which is expected to increase with future acquisition of smaller, lesser-known competitors.
GSP Wireless has a strong name recognition and reputation for quality equipment and exceptional service. The company is the largest operator of state-of-the-art wireless phone equipment and services compared to its competitors.
GSP Wireless has substantial financial flexibility and strength due to surplus cash flow and access to lower-cost capital to expand its market base, engage in product research and development, and offer numerous service plans to meet a wide range of customer needs and budgets.
Play the Numbers Game
Whenever a paragraph contains a list or sequence, you can highlight that order of information for your reader simply by changing the structure of the paragraph from a series of sentences to a numbered list of phrases, sentences, or smaller paragraphs. For example, if you were describing the investment merits of a company to potential investors, your first draft may present the information in this manner:
Investment Merits
These following aspects allow Good Fun Industries considerable advantages over its competitors. Acquisitions have played a significant role in the Good Fun Industries’ growth strategy, emphasized by a recent agreement to acquire LPN Foods for $45 million, which will increase sales volume. Good Fun is capitalizing on its leading position by seeking growth through acquisitions, by offering international food products, thus extending its customer base. The company is reducing costs by obtaining higher purchasing discounts and consolidating warehouse facilities. Good Fun’s market share is 43 percent, which is approximately the size of its two next competitors combined. Other strengths include nationally known strong name recognition and reputation.
Well-constructed paragraphs result in easier reading for your readers. Paragraphs help your readers “digest” larger masses of information that otherwise might be overwhelming in complexity of thought, amount of supporting details, or length. Here are 10 guidelines to constructing effective paragraphs:
1. Focus on one main idea in each paragraph.
2. State the topic or focus of each paragraph in the opening sentence.
3. Include only relevant or illustrative supporting details.
4. Prefer shorter (3–7 sentences, 100–125 words) to longer paragraphs (one-half page or more).
5. Vary the length of paragraphs within each page or document.
6. Use linking words or phrases (however, for example, therefore, next, most important) to ensure a smooth transition among sentences and paragraphs.
7. Repeat key words and ideas to enhance emphasis and importance to your readers.
8. Use various patterns of thinking and writing such as problem/solution, cause/effect, comparison/contrast, time order to convey logical organization of ideas.
9. Present ideas in terms of individual “building blocks” of information.
10. Use numbers or letters within parentheses before sentences in paragraphs that list information in sequence.
Revised Version
The following aspects allow Good Fun Industries considerable advantages over its competitors:
1. Acquisitions have played a significant role in the Good Fun Industries’ growth strategy, emphasized by a recent agreement to acquire LPN Foods for $45 million, which will increase sales volume.
2. Good Fun is capitalizing in its leading position by seeking growth through acquisitions, by offering international food products, thus extending its customer base.
3. The company is reducing costs by obtaining higher purchasing discounts and consolidating warehouse facilities.
4. Good Fun’s market share is 43 percent, which is approximately the size of its two next competitors combined.
5. Other strengths include nationally known strong name recognition and reputation.