8
Last Restroom for 300 Miles: Editing for Content and Structure
“Read over a passage, and wherever you meet a passage
which you think is particularly fine, cross it out.”
—Samuel Johnson
“Not that the story need be long, but it will take a long
while to make it short.”
—Henry David Thoreau
“I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil.”
—Truman Capote
IMAGINE THIS SCENARIO: YOU ARE driving out West and about to travel through miles of desert. At the edge of the desert, you come upon a gas station and notice a large sign that announces “Last Gas Station for 300 Miles.” Would you stop? Most people would. It makes sense to check out the gas, tire pressure, water coolant level, oil, and whatnot and maybe use the restroom. Yet there is always that one driver who doesn’t feel the need to bother and simply drives straight into the desert. Most likely we will see that car again along the way, hood up and steam pouring out of the engine or just plain out of gas. The same lesson applies to editing your writing. If you don’t believe you need to edit for content and structure, you are more than likely to regret it.
Cold Eyes: The Key to Editing
Some years ago a man attending one of my writing seminars expressed a somewhat poetic view of editing I have always remembered. He said the challenge when editing is to “look upon the writing with cold eyes.” The image of coldness so aptly conveys the objective distance all writers need to achieve when editing first and subsequent drafts. We all need to establish a distance between ourselves and our initial writing. Of course, the difficulty lies in our tendency to believe everything we write to be clearly expressed simply because we always understand it or know what we want to say. No wonder we’re shocked and annoyed when the reader advises us to explain ourselves a bit further. So we need to achieve some space between what is subjective (the writing) but needs to be viewed objectively (editing).
Editing requires time and patience. Most of us are in a hurry to be rid of e-mail, memos, letters, reports, and other assignments and move on to the next task. Moreover, a lot of writers confuse editing with proofreading. Although the two often overlap, proofreading is directed primarily towards reviewing for mechanical correctness (spelling, grammar, punctuation, capitalization, usage), whereas editing focuses on reviewing for clarity of content, format, tone, and logical organization of ideas. Although separate in focus and goals, editing and proofreading are activities designed to improve the quality of your writing. As the novelist E. M. Forster once observed: “How do I know what I think until I see what I say?”
Slow Down
Ideally, we would write in the morning and edit in the afternoon. Such an approach would enhance our ability to view our work objectively. The distance in time alone would provide us with the objectivity so essential to effective editing. Yet we don’t always have the luxury of time to provide a helpful distance between the first draft and final version. Much of what we write needs to be transmitted without delay to our readers or reviewers. It would seem that time and tide and the need to distribute the writing wait for none of us. The special urgency or expectation for a quick or immediate response to incoming e-mail compounds the tendency to dash off our first thoughts to the impatient reader in cyberspace.
Edit Accordingly
You may now be wondering how many times a document has to be edited to ensure its effectiveness. There is no one answer to this question except to bear in mind that everything we write does not need to be edited any given number of times or in the same way. The amount of time spent editing depends on the complexity of the content and your relationship with your reader. For instance, a simple e-mail or memo distributed within your department would probably benefit from editing once. Letters, faxes, and instructions should be edited twice; reports, contracts, manuals, proposals, documentation, and other more formal writing could use at least three edits. If you are working on an ongoing assignment such as a manual that requires continued addition and deletion of information, then you must go beyond three edits. The danger in over-editing lies in the likelihood you will face the dilemma of trying to determine this: “Did I make it better or merely different?”Always allow some time, even a minute or two, between your first draft message and efforts to revise and polish it. Print a copy of that e-mail message before sending it. Review the letter one more time before sending it.
Content or Style?
During my writing seminars, I am often asked: “Why is it that when my boss edits my work, she sees a lot of mistakes I didn’t see even though I read the document five times?” The answer is simple: The reviewer didn’t write it. Asking another person for an opinion of your writing can be helpful because your reviewer will have a natural distance from the work. At the same time, this individual may not have your technical expertise or fully understand the circumstances surrounding your goals or reasons for writing. Worse, the comments, suggestions, and observations might reflect opinions, personal style, and other editorial preferences. Whatever the advice or suggestions you receive, it will often remain your decision to incorporate them in your work.
1. Did I provide a main idea or topic sentence to inform the reader of my purpose and focus?
2. Have I supplied all essential details to support my statement?
3. Is the information presented in order of importance?
4. Does the organization suit the reader’s needs? For example, should I provide a summary?
5. Does each sentence and paragraph contribute to the general flow of ideas?
6. Are the sentences and paragraphs presented in a logical order?
7. Does each paragraph fully develop its topic?
8. Did I supply directional or linking words to connect sentences and paragraphs?
9. Is the language level suited to the reader?
10. Has unnecessary technical jargon been eliminated?
11. Are all sentences expressed clearly, precisely, and economically?
12. Did I prefer active to passive voice wherever possible?
13. Is the tone appropriate?
14. Is there any unnecessary repetition of ideas?
15. Are there gaps or missing material that may cause the reader confusion?
16. Are there ambiguous sentences or phrases that may be misunderstood or misinterpreted?
17. Are there any digressions?
18. Is there any extraneous information that should be placed in an appendix or not included?
19. Did I proofread for spelling, grammar, punctuation, and usage?
Revise the Beginning, Middle, and End
Another complaint I hear from those attending my seminars is this: “When I try to edit my work I really don’t know what to look for.” The editorial checklist on page 102 is designed to help you answer this question. Be sure to add to this list your own reminders and questions regarding your personal editorial needs, such as checking for correct use of commas or complex verb endings or avoiding fragments. Modify this list for your own purposes.
The majority of business writing, ranging from e-mail, memos, and letters to reports, instructions, and proposals, is likely to have a beginning, middle, and end. Each section serves a distinct purpose:
1. To introduce your message (opening).
2. To provide supporting details (middle).
3. To present concluding remarks (conclusion).
Because everything we write can benefit from revision, whether minimal or extensive, the following guidelines will help you to ensure the effectiveness of each section.
The Opening
When revising your opening statement, ensure that it states your purpose and topic clearly and, if possible, in a manner to arouse your reader’s interest. You may want to begin with a statement of fact. For example:
Recent reports show that durable goods orders rose in June for the third month out of four, claims for unemployment are lower this year than the during the same quarter of last year, and retail rates sales are rising.
You may want to begin with a statement of opinion:
I’m certain that stocks and bonds prices will rise substantially in response to this morning’s government announcement regarding economic growth expectations.
The Body
When revising the body of discussion, remember that each sentence must contribute to developing your message. Eliminate excess baggage of words, so to speak. One helpful technique is to imagine you are being charged by the word.
The Conclusion
When revising the conclusion or closing you can restate the main point, summarize main ideas, draw a conclusion, suggest a recommendation based upon previously provided details, or urge action. For example:
As a result of the changes in our production schedule, we must hire additional personnel immediately.
Examples of Convoluted Writing
The following examples of business writing may lead to undue stress for the reader as a result of confusion, frustration, or anger with the writer.
From an Insurance Company Booklet:
You are not insured under one paragraph of a Clause or under one Clause for any risk insurable under another paragraph of that Clause or under another Clause or for any risk which is not insured by reason of any exclusion, qualification, additional term or condition applicable to such other paragraph or Clause or because you are not insured under such other paragraph or Clause.
And don’t forget it! Although you might agree that the previous paragraph is impossible for the average person to understand, you might also suggest it’s unfair to criticize this passage because it is simply (?) reflecting the necessary legal language of insurance policies. Yet, if the policy is written for the average person, should it sound like that? Isn’t there another way to express the details and maintain the necessary legal implications without causing stress? I showed this passage to several insurance industry professionals and all agreed the language was dense. Most admitted they had to read the passage three or more times to understand it, and even afterwards could only attempt to “interpret” the true meaning, which remains a secret to all but the writer.
From a Corporate Prospectus:
Each note will bear interest from its date of issue at the fixed rate per annum or at the rate per annum determined pursuant to the interest rate formula, stated therein and in the applicable pricing supplement, until the principal thereof is paid or made available for payment. The applicable pricing supplement relating to a fixed rate note will designate a fixed rate of interest per annum payable on such note. Unless otherwise indicated in the applicable Pricing Supplement, each note will be paid semi-annually each June 1 and December 1 and at stated maturity or, if applicable, upon redemption. If any interest payment date or the stated maturity date (or, if applicable, the date of redemption) of a fixed rate note falls on a day that is not a business day, payment of principal, premium, if any, or interest will be made on the next business day as if were made on the date such payment was due, and no interest will accrue on the amount so payable for the period from and after such interest payment date or the stated maturity (or the date of redemption), as the case may be. The record dates for such notes will be the May 15 and November 15 next preceding the June 1 and December 1 interest payment dates.
Unless otherwise indicated in the applicable pricing supplement, interest payments for fixed rate notes shall be the amount of interest accrued to, but excluding, the relevant interest payment date. Interest on such notes will be computed on the basis of a 360-day year of 12 30-day months.
Now take a few minutes to catch your breath or allow the dizziness to pass! This passage suffers not just the barrage of redundant legalese but from the following:
1. Lengthy paragraph structure.
2. Absence of subheadings to allow the reader to pause to process each important idea.
3. Failure to provide definitions of financial terms.
4. Excessively long sentences (some more than 75 words).
Here is a revised version that’s easier on your nerves:
Annual Interest Rate
The yearly interest rate on the notes will either be fixed or floating. The applicable pricing supplement will designate the fixed rate of interest payable on a note. Interest will be paid on June 1 and December 1, and upon maturity, redemption, or repurchase.
Payment and Record Dates
If any payment date falls on a day that is not a business day, payment will be made on the next business day but no additional interest will be paid. The record dates for such notes will be May 15 (for interest to be paid on June 1) and November 15 (for interest to be paid on December 1).
Computation of Interest Payments
Interest payments will be the amount of interest accrued to but excluding each June 1 and December 1. Interest will be computed using a 360-day year of 12 30-day months.
Which version would you rather receive? Sometimes the solution is simply to transform a block of information into a series of lists. For example, consider the following:
Floating Rate Notes: The applicable pricing supplement relating to a floating rate note will designate an interest rate formula for such floating rate note. Such a formula may be the commercial paper rate, in which case such note will be a commercial paper rate; the prime rate, in which case such note will be a prime rate note; the CD rate, in which case such note will be a CD rate note; the federal funds effective rate, in which case such note will be a federal funds effective rate; the Treasury rate, in which case such note will be a Treasury rate note; such other interest rate formula as is set forth in such pricing supplement. The applicable pricing supplement for a floating rate note also will specify the spread and/or spread multiplier, if any, applicable to each note. Any floating rate note may also have either or both of the following: a maximum numerical interest rate limitation, or ceiling or a minimum numerical interest rate limitation, or floor.
Now consider this revised version, in which the information is presented in list format:
Floating Rate Notes
Each floating rate note will have an interest rate formula, which may be based on the:
• Commercial paper rate.
• Prime rate.
• CD rate.
• Federal funds effective rate.
• Treasury rate.
• Another interest rate.
The applicable pricing supplement will also indicate any spread and/or spread multiplier. In addition, any floating rate note may have a maximum or minimum interest rate limitation.
Avoid Sexist Wording
The world of work has changed considerably over the last 25 years. Women have moved far beyond the limitations of secretarial or clerical duties and hold important professional, administrative, and technical positions few of their grandmothers ever hoped to achieve. Correspondence traditionally addressed to “Gentlemen” or “Dear Sirs” is considered archaic by modern standards. Also, what woman would tolerate her male manager referring to her as “my girl,” no matter how innocent the intention? Jobs titles reflect these changes: mail carriers, police officers, and flight attendants are some examples. Some actresses prefer to be known as actors and the words poetess and authoress have gone the way of the manual typewriter. Waiters and waitresses are now gender-neutral “servers.” For these reasons, be careful to check your writing for remarks or references that may appear sexist or offensive.
You can revise your sentences to eliminate the masculine pronoun by:
Repeating the Noun
When a manager approves a proposal, the manager….
Using Plural Nouns and Pronouns
When engineers review plans, they….
Using “He” or “She”
If a customer wants to return the product, he or she….
Using Passive Voice
When a student uses our service, the student is assured….
Editorial Hit List: Little Things Mean a Lot
The Best Word Wins
There really is no best word; rather, there is a simpler one or more familiar one or less convoluted or technical one or specific or more appropriate one. Word choice is best determined according to your purpose, relationship with the reader, and appropriate tone, and not the number of syllables or impressive sound. The best helpful guide is a dictionary of synonyms, which will help you expand the range of your word “toolbox” and provide you with a Phillips head screwdriver when a flathead one won’t do.
1. Simpler or shorter word
• try for attempt.
• part for component.
• similar for analogous.
2. Familiar word
• payment for remuneration.
• postpone for abeyance.
• confuse for obfuscate.
3. Non-technical word
• two million pieces of data for two megabytes.
4. Specific word
• research center for facility.
5. Excessive nouns, verbs, and articles
• biochemistry for the field of biochemistry.
• investigations for the conducting of investigations.
• experimentation for the process of experimentation.
• look for take a look at.
• decide for make a decision.
• many managers for many of the managers.
• several reports for several of the reports.
6. Words That Shouldn’t Be Married
• managerwise.
• reportwide.
• strategize.
7. Words That Say It Twice
• green in color.
• round in shape.
• but however.
• finally in conclusion.
8. Latin or Foreign Language Words
• quid pro quo.
• cul de sac.
• zeitgeist.
• au contraire.
• non de plume.
9. Familiar but Overused Nonstandard Words and Phrases
• impact (as a verb).
• cutting edge.
10. Optional Use of “who, whom, that, which”
• The nurse whom I met last night in Atlanta.
• A city that I love to visit.
• The car which was parked illegally was towed.
Options:
• The nurse I met last night in Atlanta…
• A city I love to visit…
• The car parked illegally was towed…
Problems With Sentence Structure
Here are the most common problems regarding sentence structure:
Shift in Verb Tense
Example:
While we were in the restaurant snow is beginning to fall.
Revision:
While we were in the restaurant, snow began to fall.
The original sentence begins with the past tense and then shifts to present tense even though both actions occur at the same time.
Shift in Point of View
Example:
Before anyone sends an e-mail, you should always proofread it.
Revision:
Before anyone sends an e-mail, he or she should always proofread it.
The shift from the singular pronoun to second person is inconsistent.
Shift in Focus
Example:
When you visit Venice, an overwhelming sense of the past is experienced.
Revision:
When visiting Venice, you experience an overwhelming sense of the past.
Word Omission
Example:
I was listening to music and my girlfriend typing her novel.
Revision:
I was listening to music and my girlfriend was typing her novel.
Omission of even seemingly unimportant words can result in awkwardness and cause confusion.
Repetitive Subjects
Example:
The customer, she gave me a dirty look.
Revision:
The customer gave me a dirty look.
Although we often repeat words to reinforce their importance to our reader, sometimes repetition of the subject only results in redundancy.
Writing for Another Person’s Approval or Signature
“No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter
someone else’s draft.”
—H. G. Wells
Writing for another person’s approval or signature almost requires your being able to read someone else’s mind. How many times have you been asked by your boss to write a memo or letter, only to learn when you submit it that “it’s not what I want to say”? So you write it again, present the revised version and hear, “No. That’s still not what I want to say.” Exasperating? Of course it is, but getting approval from another person is an unavoidable aspect of writing within any size corporate hierarchy of power. No one is ever free of criticism.
For some supervisors it will never be good enough. Sometimes these people have very high standards, and that’s fine, but they are unable to see that everyday business writing cannot always be flawless. These people are often perfectionists or are so concerned about their corporate image that every piece of daily correspondence, whether an e-mail or a simple memo, must be perfect.
Some managers set no or conflicting writing standards, which results in confusion for their staffs and the need for time-consuming revisions that translate into higher production costs. Some provide no stylistic guidance or preference.
Sometimes it’s more a question of style than correctness or quality of expression. After all, some people like meat; some prefer fish; still others eat only vegetables. Others like all three. Do not become overly self-critical. Do not beat yourself up or despair when your writing is once again returned marked up in red ink. Try to separate yourself from your writing; don’t take it personally. Otherwise you may end up with an ulcer or high blood pressure or be forced to take a tranquilizer every time you submit your writing for your supervisor’s approval.
One solution is to simply clarify your reviewer’s goals and needs before you begin writing. Ask for advice and direction regarding important topics, which ideas to focus on, or even what not to say. Another solution is to review the criticism for either patterns of stylistic preferences (lists, short paragraphs, word choice) or concrete recurring problems in structure and usage (organization of ideas, spelling, grammar, punctuation) or in structure or content (tone, presentation of details). Keep copies of all correspondence and use them as models for similar assignments.
None of these techniques can guarantee total elimination of criticism nor ensure acceptance, but they will minimize the tendency for the former and enhance the likelihood of the latter.