NINE
Enabling Growth through Feedback
In the mentoring relationship, constructive feedback is everything. The more a mentee understands the nature of the feedback process, the more they value the feedback that they receive from mentors. The more a mentor understands the value of feedback, the more they can improve their mentoring skills and grow their relationship with their mentee. Keep in mind the following points:
» Feedback facilitates learning, drives mutual accountability, and enables growth.
» Feedback provides mentees with support, offers guidance in creating and articulating a vision, and challenges them to take the next steps in their growth and development.
» Feedback lets mentors know when they have gotten off track, overstepped, missed the point, or provided needed and welcome support.
Although feedback is essentially neutral, and can often be positive, many people tend to hear it meaning “criticism.” So when a mentor says, “I’d like to give you some feedback,” many mentees hear “I am now going to criticize you.” Understandably, they approach the message about to be delivered cautiously instead of welcoming it as an opportunity to improve. Similarly, when a mentee expresses a desire to give their mentor feedback about the mentoring relationship, mentors may hear it as “You are doing a bad job.” So rather than welcome the feedback as an opportunity to deepen the relationship, they shut down. It is important to consider how feedback is perceived in your mentoring partner’s cultural context. It may be especially important to discuss this with your partner as part of your initial conversations. Because feedback can be so contentious, we recommend having an open discussion about it as part of setting your general parameters and expectations. Discuss what the word means to each of you, and how you can assure each other that in the future any feedback will be meant to be constructive—not critical. Constructive, culturally appropriate feedback is one of mentoring’s most precious gifts. Getting and giving honest, candid feedback is a key benefit of mentoring. In fact, the free exchange of frequent feedback is one of the hallmarks of an effective mentoring relationship. Feedback drives mutual accountability. You can use it to check in with your mentoring partner, monitor the relationship, make sure learning is steadily progressing, and honor differences in a way that is consistently meaningful and culturally respectful.
Sometimes course-correcting feedback is simply changing a few words in the way we frame it. A frown, a furrowed brow, and the question, “Would you mind if I give you some feedback you may not like?” implies criticism and will almost surely be taken as such. Talking about “areas of improvement” or “challenges” is one way to avoid the perception of criticism and negativity. Another way is to avoid the feedback word altogether and simply have a conversation that touches honestly on the aspects you want to bring up without casting blame. Giving and receiving feedback is not always easy. Fortunately, this process can be learned (for more on feedback in mentoring, see the resources in the appendix at the back of the book).
In this chapter we take a closer look at how you can use feedback to bridge differences in your mentoring relationship. Giving and getting culturally relevant feedback requires accessing and using your skills and knowledge of each other. Feedback will help you keep your relationship and goal achievement on track and drive better mentoring results. Throughout your relationship you will be seeking it, giving it, and receiving it, so it’s important to develop your feedback agility.
What Is Feedback?
Feedback is not a one-way street: mentor and mentee engage in a conversation in which one conveys information back (that is, “feeds back”) to the other with an eye toward reinforcing and supporting behavior, improving the mentoring relationship, elevating individual performance, or achieving goals. The partner, in turn, opens to receiving the feedback, and “feeds back” to their partner in the form of clarifying questions or nods of understanding. Feedback should not be passive; rather, it should stimulate further conversation.
Mentees appreciate receiving feedback when they know it is given in good faith, with the intention of improving their performance and supporting their long-term development and career success. Mentees often seek confirmation that they are meeting their mentor’s expectations, and feedback can help alleviate a common fear that they may be disappointing their mentor. Mentors can use feedback freely to acknowledge mentees’ progress and hard work. Mentors also seek and benefit from confirmation. They depend on mentee feedback to make sure that they are meeting their mentee’s needs and expectations. In the absence of feedback, mentors and mentees can find themselves making erroneous assumptions. When that happens, as we’ve discussed, trust erodes and communication runs the risk of becoming inauthentic.
In our experience, mentors and mentees who commit to building their own competency and confidence in the feedback process report more positive outcomes than those who do not. Mentoring partners who are prepared to engage in a meaningful feedback process have a much easier time overcoming things that are blocking their growth and relationship. The challenge is to stay in conversation and learn from feedback even when it becomes uncomfortable.
Setting the Stage for Feedback
We can remedy the common experience of expecting feedback to be negative and unwelcome by creating an expectation up front for frequent feedback—both positive and negative. Giving and getting feedback may sound straightforward, but it’s not, especially when we talk about feedback across cultures. To be effective, feedback must be culturally sensitive and relevant. It is critical to use the knowledge you have gained about your mentoring partner to shape the feedback you give them. In this process reviewing your partner’s motivation and expectation can be particularly helpful.
How Is Your Mentoring Partner Motivated?
You’ve already learned about your mentoring partner’s aspirations and why their goals are compelling to them. Mentors, as you think about how to frame your feedback, consider how the behavior that’s the subject of your feedback hampers or helps your mentee get closer to their goals and aspirations. If you can tie the feedback to their “why,” your feedback will be more resonant and palatable.
What Is Your Mentoring Partner’s Expectation about Feedback?
Does your mentoring partner expect positive reinforcement or direct criticism? These expectations vary by culture (consider the cultural continua discussed in Chapter 3). What is your mentoring partner’s preference for direct or indirect communication? If feedback is delivered in a way that is not aligned with their cultural orientation, it will be more difficult for the recipient to separate the message from the way it was delivered. As discussed in Chapter 7, the key here is that you find the “zone of appropriateness” that aligns with the cultures of both the person delivering the feedback and the person receiving the feedback.
For years, coauthor Lisa worked in environments where feedback was delivered in a “sandwich” style—something positive is said at the beginning and the end, and something critical in the middle. Since Lisa is more comfortable with direct communication, this never sat well with her. The sandwich approach always felt manufactured and disingenuous. For that reason, when she first delivered feedback to a new colleague, she did not follow the sandwich approach, instead opting to get right to the point by launching into critical feedback. What a mistake! Her colleague bristled and shut down, and it took Lisa some time and effort to repair the working relationship. Later, this colleague told Lisa that she felt in that conversation that all the goodwill she had worked to create had been dismissed and unappreciated.
Effective feedback should identify and reinforce behaviors that contribute positively, while suggesting alternative behaviors for those that get in the way. It is not always easy, however, to be comfortable with the process. Giving any kind of feedback can be fraught with concerns about how the feedback will be taken, fear of damaging the relationship, and the potential for resistance. If one or more mentoring partners tend to be conflict averse, it makes it even less likely that an individual will engage in candid feedback. You need to understand your mentoring partner’s comfort with conflict, and their preference for direct or indirect communication. This does not mean that you refrain from giving feedback if a mentoring partner is conflict averse, and we caution you not to avoid feedback just because it might feel awkward. Rather, the challenge is to discuss with your mentoring partner how they want to receive feedback and then to provide feedback in a way that is in the zone of appropriateness for their (and your own) cultural preferences.
Apply the “Platinum Rule”
When communicating across differences, we like to replace the Golden Rule (treat others as you would like to be treated) with the Platinum Rule: treat others as they would like to be treated. Having conversations up front about delivering and receiving feedback gives you valuable information about how to follow the Platinum Rule in the future. In this way you can build trust and avoid feeling defensive or fearful when feedback is offered. If you have skipped over any of the content in Part 2 of the book, “Learn from Differences,” you will find seeking and giving feedback to be more difficult. Go back now and have those conversations. It will require work on your part, especially the uncomfortable work of understanding your mentoring partner’s perspectives and taking responsibility to bridge differences. There is no shortcut.
» YOUR TURN «
1. How would you describe your level of comfortable in receiving feedback?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. How do you like to receive feedback? What works for you? What doesn’t?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. How do you prefer to give feedback?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Three Functions of Feedback
Effective feedback serves three functions. It provides your mentoring partner with support, vision, and challenge. Both mentor and mentee can share in these functions.
1. Providing Support
Providing support to your mentoring partner helps in managing the mentoring process. Mentoring partners can provide support in the following ways:
» Listening.
» Sharing authentically.
» Maintaining a climate conducive to learning.
» Expressing positive expectations (for the mentoring relationship and for the learning outcomes).
» Being an advocate for your mentoring partner.
» Creating structure and maintaining accountability.
» Checking in on goals.
» Role playing or test-driving projects.
2. Offering Challenge
Mentors can challenge mentees by giving a gentle push and encouraging them to stretch toward new goals.
» Suggesting things outside of your mentee’s comfort zone and providing a safe place for the mentee to take risks.
» Encouraging your mentee to reach out to others to get feedback.
» Setting high standards and acknowledging when they have been met.
» Asking probing questions.
» Engaging in discussion.
» Presenting opposing viewpoints or perspectives.
» Letting your mentee know if they have not stretched enough.
» Asking questions that bring past actions into consciousness and promote insights into change.
» Exposing mentees to new opportunities they are unaware of or lack access to.
Mentees can participate in the challenge by
» Letting your mentor know if you need them to hold you accountable.
» Asking probing questions.
» Engaging in discussion.
» Presenting opposing viewpoints or perspectives.
3. Clarifying Vision
Mentors can clarify or link to their mentoring partner’s vision. Clarifying or linking to vision for the mentoring relationship or vision for professional goals is critical because it encourages movement. If you don’t know where you are going, you may well encounter missteps, you get stuck, or delay, or put off working on either goals or strengthening the relationship. Here are some ways a mentor can help a mentee crystalize a vision for themselves.
» Fostering ongoing reflection.
» Sharing your story.
» Modeling the way.
» Offering a map and cocreating the steps to the future vision.
» Suggesting what the vision might look like when realized.
» Creating future scenarios.
» Role modeling.
» Holding up a proverbial mirror to encourage mentee self-reflection and heightened self-awareness.
FIGURE 9.1 Three Functions of Mentoring
We repeatedly hear from mentoring partners who have been through our programs that these three functions of the feedback process were critical in contributing to their growth and learning, and made a significant difference in the outcomes of their mentoring relationships. As Figure 9.1 shows, these functions overlap and support each other. It is less important which of these functions your feedback serves than it is that your feedback definitively serves at least one of these functions.
Giving Feedback
Feedback can be given by either the mentor or the mentee (and ideally by both) and should center on the mentoring relationship or the learning goals. The key is that feedback be candid, clear, and (most important) actionable. Best practice is to make time for feedback regularly. Check in on goal progress regarding the mentoring relationship at least once a quarter. This chapter shows you how. (Of course, if the feedback may be of immediate benefit to the recipient, there may be no need to wait for a scheduled meeting session.)
Each of the three mentoring pairs we’ve been following throughout the book had occasion to seek, receive, give, and address feedback. As we look at their experiences now, it becomes clear that effective feedback is never a one-off event but a regular, consistent expectation in mentoring experiences. Let’s begin with Mia and Christopher.
Candid Feedback
Mia expected to receive feedback from Christopher about how she was doing and how top leadership perceived her. Despite asking Christopher several times about how he thought things were going and what he was hearing, all she ever heard was, “You are doing just fine.” Mia found it hard to believe that there wasn’t something more to work on, and she began to wonder if Christopher was really invested in helping her improve. Soon, Mia started second-guessing what she was hearing from Christopher and stopped asking.
Not too long after that, Christopher appeared somewhat standoffish, almost cold. After thinking about it for a couple of weeks, Mia wondered if she had said or done something that had offended him. In fact, something altogether different was going on. Christopher thought Mia was doing well, and though there were some areas in which he thought she could improve, overall he was quite pleased with her progress and with the mentoring relationship. Lately, however, he had been especially cautious when interacting with his female coworkers. A close colleague of his had recently left the firm after being accused of sexual harassment. It had taken Christopher by surprise, and he wondered if his colleague had been falsely accused. His confidence in how others were perceiving him took a huge hit.
Christopher suddenly became much more reserved, and reluctant to offer feedback. He started second-guessing himself, worried that his trademark warmth might be misinterpreted as flirtatiousness. Guarded, he now hesitated to socialize with his female colleagues or engage in his usual collegial behavior with them. He was particularly cautious with Mia, given that he was her superior in the firm and their mentoring relationship required one-to-one time. Since Christopher had never had a female mentee before, he was unsure how to be authentically warm without seeming inappropriate. His approach was to simply shut down.
Meanwhile, the firm’s mentoring coordinator sent out an email to mentors suggesting they do their midyear mentoring check-in at a restaurant over lunch or dinner. Christopher, already walking on eggshells, was uncomfortable about having a meal alone in a restaurant with Mia. Concerned that he would be sending the wrong signals by dining with her alone outside the office and even inviting her to do so, he instead planned on conducting the midyear check-in with Mia in his office.
When several of the mentees in Mia’s cohort asked her if she’d had her dinner meeting yet with her mentor, she was puzzled. She hadn’t known that was supposed to occur. She wondered why everyone else was having their midyear check-in outside the office. She was getting fed up with Christopher’s lack of communication. Mia decided not to wait to discuss this. It was time to bring up her concerns with Christopher. She wanted to know how he felt she was really doing, and whether something had happened to get their mentoring relationship off track. But before Mia could say a word, Christopher made it easy when he asked her how she was doing. She swallowed hard and then proceeded, cautiously.
“Christopher, when we set up ground rules at the beginning,” she said, “we agreed that we would give each other feedback. I need some feedback, both on how I’m doing on my goals and on our mentoring relationship. I’ve heard from several mentees that they have had midyear check-in dinners outside the office. I know you are busy, but I guess I was surprised that this wasn’t even raised as an option for us. I’ve also noticed that lately you seem somewhat distant in our meetings. I am wondering if I’ve offended you or done something wrong. Or is there a bigger issue in the firm that I need to know about? I’d like to get a handle on what is happening and what I can do to correct the situation. What do you think?”
Christopher felt found out. He wasn’t sure how to respond. “I’m sorry about that,” he said. “You haven’t offended me, and you have done nothing wrong. This is good information for me about how I am coming across to you. In general, I think things are going well, but I do think we should schedule some time to check in and give each other feedback. How about if we dedicate our next meeting to talking about how the mentoring is going and how you are coming along on your goals? Let’s come in with ideas on what is working well and what we can improve upon. I’d like to be prepared for that conversation and need some time to do so.”
Mia was mollified but still somewhat confused. Christopher thought he’d handled it, but from Mia’s reaction he realized maybe he could have handled it more gracefully. Coincidently, he received more unexpected feedback the next day. The week before, Christopher had shared with his friend and former mentee Mike his hesitancy to engage with women in the firm due to his fear that his good intentions might be misconstrued. At the time, Mike had grimaced but said nothing. Mike had thought about the conversation over the past few days, and though he feared compromising his relationship with Christopher, Mike thought it was important for Christopher to understand the problematic implications of his avoidant conduct. He wanted to support Christopher in addressing his behavior sooner rather than later, before it came back to bite him.
Mike suggested that Christopher needed to get over his hesitation in relating to women in the firm and that while his gender sensitivity if understood would be much appreciated, some of the women in the firm were now finding him inauthentic, dismissive, and hard to engage with. “You’re a warm guy, Christopher, with a big heart and the best of intentions. Be yourself and be genuine, but you’ve got to be yourself and be genuine with men and women, and you’ll be just fine.”
Mike’s feedback to Christopher was as tough and uncomfortable for him to give as it was for Christopher to receive. When Mike left Christopher’s office, Christopher sighed. He knew Mike was right—he needed to be authentic or he was being unfair to his female colleagues, especially so to Mia. He sent an email to Mia right away: “Let’s schedule the feedback meeting for next Thursday lunch at Main Street Grill.”
Feedback should be welcomed and given throughout the mentoring relationship. Effective feedback should be aimed at constructively reinforcing and bolstering positive behavior and at changing behaviors that might get in the way of success. Contrary to popular belief, feedback is important to give when things are going well (positive feedback) and when things are not going well (hard feedback).
Positive Feedback
Positive feedback encourages and reinforces good and productive behaviors and results. It can be a great motivator and a catalyst for continued growth. However, people either forget to give it, or deliver it generically as “Great job!” “Way to go!” or “You’re doing fine.” The problem is, such comments are so vague that the recipient can’t replicate the behavior that warranted the positive comment.
Tailor your positive feedback to state specifically what was good, and why. What was the impact of the action? The hard work you did in getting to know your mentoring partner will pay off here. Positive feedback should be tailored “to help [your mentoring partner] see, in slow motion, what [their] own personal version of excellence looked like. . . . By helping your [mentoring partner] recognize what excellence looks like for her—by saying, ‘That! Yes, that!’—you’re offering her the chance to gain an insight, you’re highlighting a pattern that is already there within her so that she can recognize it, anchor it, re-create it, and refine it. That is learning.”72
Coauthor Lois tells the story about a time when she had mulled over a presentation many times, revising it up until the last minute because she didn’t want to overwhelm her audience. The program coordinator who had hired her had been very specific about the company’s learning needs. After the presentation three participants told Lois that the presentation was spot on and exactly what program participants wanted to hear. They said they appreciated Lois’s patience and particularly how she “made them think about new possibilities for themselves and the organization.” They went on to say how much they enjoyed her book for mentors and asked her when she was going to write a book for them (they were mentees). Lois asked what questions they would want to see answered in such a book. They spoke and later emailed, and less than a year later, Lois’s book The Mentee’s Guide was published with a table of contents mirroring their questions. The feedback interaction between Lois and the participants served as a win-win. It reinforced her approach and gave her an idea and direction for the content of her next book, and the participants got their questions answered in writing (and a signed copy of the book).
» YOUR TURN «
1. Think about a time you received positive feedback from your mentor or supervisor about something you were doing that was getting in your way. What worked well and what didn’t?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. Think about a time you gave someone positive feedback about something they were doing that was getting in their way or in your way. What worked and what didn’t?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. What did you learn from these experiences about how you prefer to receive feedback that you can share with your mentoring partner?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Shielded Feedback
It is easy to fall into the trap of shielding feedback. This happens if we are uncomfortable with giving feedback in general, if we are afraid of hurting another person’s feelings, or if we are uncomfortable with conflict and want to avoid provoking it. One way we shield feedback is to withhold or sugarcoat it. In this case, we filter what we say in an attempt to make it “not so bad,” rendering the feedback incomplete and ineffective. Sometimes the person on the receiving end is simply puzzled.
Sometimes we hesitate to provide full feedback to protect ourselves from being seen as biased, sexist, racist, or simply insensitive. Or we shield feedback to protect someone else because we fear we might hurt or upset them. Even when we have the best intentions in mind, the desire to protect the other person can make this halfway-home feedback feel inauthentic. It creates misunderstanding that ultimately will erode the trust in your relationship. It stymies growth. If you find yourself wanting to shield your feedback, take the opportunity to explore what’s holding you back from being more straightforward.
Hard Feedback
Hard feedback directly addresses the uncomfortable emotional or behavioral issues that impede effective workplace or mentoring performance. Understanding these discomforts makes giving feedback easier. Why is hard feedback so tough? Maybe it stems from our need to be accepted or liked, our fear of reprisal or rejection, or our concern that the relationship will be compromised if we address issues directly.
How to give hard feedback: When you find yourself having to give hard feedback, here are some things to keep in mind.
» Don’t let your own negative triggers get in the way. Take a deep breath. Don’t fly off the handle if your mentor or mentee has done something to anger you. Try to depersonalize your view of the situation. Control your triggers. Remain calm.
» Begin with the end in mind. Think about the reason you want to give this feedback. How do you want the mentoring relationship or the other person to behave differently after you have given them feedback? What approach is most likely to elicit that response?
» State your intention in giving the feedback. Take time to set the context for giving the feedback. Set up the conversation so it will be supportive. If it comes out of the blue, the feedback can be taken in the wrong way. For example, “I thought we had a pretty good work plan in place. I’m concerned that we haven’t made much progress moving things forward. I’m wondering, what’s going on for you?”
» Consider appropriate emotions. Remember that expressing emotions is viewed differently by different cultures. Some cultures view the display of emotion as weakness; other cultures view expressed emotion as a sign you are invested in the outcome and the relationship, and the withholding of emotion signals that you do not care. How will your mentoring partner view the expression of emotion? How can you manage your own conduct to accommodate for potentially different views about expressing emotion?
» Speak respectfully at all times. Be mindful of the Platinum Rule: treat others as they wish to be treated. What does respectful communication look like for you and your mentoring partner?
» Timing is everything. Make sure your feedback is delivered as soon after an observed behavior as possible. Being attuned to your mentoring partner is important. What is your mentoring partner’s mood? How receptive might they be? What current work responsibilities are they managing that might affect their receptivity to your feedback?
» Think about how you can offer support. Before delivering the feedback, think about ways you can offer your support. Be sure to ask your mentoring partner what kind of support would be helpful to them so they feel empowered to act on your feedback.
Steps for giving hard feedback: We have found the five steps to giving hard feedback outlined in Table 9.1 to be helpful.
» YOUR TURN «
1. Think about a time you received hard feedback from your mentor, supervisor, or colleague about something you were doing that was getting in your way. How did it go? How did you respond?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. Think about a time you gave someone hard feedback about something they were doing that was getting in their way or in your way? How did it go? How did you respond?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Seeking Feedback
When trust has been established, mentoring relationships can be an ideal and safe place for feedback. Feedback, even hard feedback, can become especially helpful for mentees to gain perspective on challenges they may face as they go about achieving their goals. Let’s look at how Mia dealt with seeking feedback in her mentoring partnership.
Christopher invited Mia to a client meeting where he was preparing a senior executive for a deposition in a high-profile class-action lawsuit. Mia took copious notes, and in her next similar-client meeting, she tried to imitate Christopher’s style and approach.
TABLE 9.1 Steps for giving hard feedback
Step |
What to do |
What to say (examples) |
1 |
Talk about what you both gain by having this conversation. |
I want to be as successful as I can be in this role. (mentee) We both want to make sure that you achieve your goals. (mentor) |
2 |
Talk about your observations as facts but share your conclusions as your “story.” |
It has been at least four weeks since we talked. It is hard to get on your schedule. I’m wondering if you still feel our work together is worth your time. (mentee) You acknowledge that planning your team meetings helps you stay organized and ensures you get results. So, when you don’t use an agenda or create a plan for your meeting, it leads me to believe that you are really not committed to improving. (mentor) |
3 |
Listen to their “story” to get their perspective. |
Is that what’s happening, or is it something else? (mentee) What’s going on for you? (mentor) |
4 |
Develop new agreements. |
What can I count on from you? (mentee) What are you really prepared to do? (mentor) |
5 |
Summarize your agreements in an optimistic way. |
So, we’ve agreed that . . . (mentee) What I take away is that you are going to . . .(mentor) |
Source: Authors. © 2019, Center for Mentoring Excellence®
The client was not responsive. In fact, he got angry with her. The client told Mia she was not being “lawyerly” enough.
Mia knew she had bombed, but she couldn’t understand why. She asked Christopher to help figure out what she had done wrong. When she explained her approach to him, Christopher told her, “It all sounds good to me. That’s what I would have done too. Can you show me how you did it?”
As Mia demonstrated her approach, Christopher recognized that she was mirroring his style. He saw immediately that this approach was all wrong for Mia. “I know you are copying what I did in the deposition prep you sat in on, but it’s not working for you. Show me how you would have done it had you never seen me in action.”
Mia thought for a minute and then began. She used different words, changed the tone of her questions a bit, and varied her speech. “That’s the way to do it!” Christopher exclaimed. “It’s more natural for you, Mia.” Immediately Mia felt bolstered and more confident in her approach. As Mia was leaving his office, Christopher said: “Go be you next time. Much more effective than trying to be me.”
Feedback toward goals can be offered unsolicited by the mentor, or, as in Mia’s case, can be solicited from the mentor by the mentee to help increase awareness and improve performance. As the example above shows, when a mentor provides feedback to help a mentee show up authentically, it can serve as a great confidence- booster. This is another situation in which self-awareness and awareness of your mentoring partner is a clear benefit.
Mentors, here are two questions for you to think about: When is your mentoring partner mimicking what they have seen you or others do? How can you help them show up more as themselves?
Getting Better at Giving Feedback
We have observed that mentors and mentees who commit to building their own competency and confidence in the feedback process experience more positive outcomes than those who do not. The first key to giving effective feedback is to speak from your own perspective with the understanding that your perspective is not the other person’s reality. Set a context, be descriptive, give examples: the goal is to enable your mentoring partner to clearly see the parallels about how the feedback is relevant to them. For example: “In my experience as an educational administrator (context), I had to earn my reputation by writing successful grants (descriptive example). I know that this is not your exact situation, but maybe there is something to learn here (seeking parallels).”
Table 9.2 provides several feedback tips for better mentoring, for both partners.
TABLE 9.2 Feedback tips for mentoring partners
Source: Adapted from Zachary, The Mentor’s Guide, 180, Table 7.1.
Feedback Requires Safety and Trust
Christopher had confidence that Mia was ready for a challenge and decided to advocate on her behalf for an opportunity that he knew would offer her greater experience and exposure. Knowing that Mia was looking for more opportunities to pitch business, Christopher looked out for opportunities for her. He learned about one that was coming up quickly and wasn’t sure if Mia could be prepared to pursue the opportunity on such short notice, but he decided to advocate for her to be in on the pitch. The partner in charge agreed, and Christopher called Mia about the opportunity.
“You don’t need to take it, Mia. I know you are slammed with work, but I wanted to make sure you had the opportunity.”
Mia was thrilled to know that Christopher had advocated for her, but she wasn’t able to imagine how she could squeeze it in on such short notice given her existing workload. “I have this big motion to argue next week,” she explained to Christopher, “but I can try for it if you think it’s a good opportunity.” What she really meant, however, was: “I’m so swamped I can’t see straight.”
Great,” said Christopher, “I’ll let them know you’re in!”
What happened here? Christopher wanted to help Mia get exposure to new opportunities and found an experience he thought would challenge her and raise her profile. In his mind, he gave Mia an out if she was too busy. As someone who values directness, Christopher expected Mia to be direct and turn down the opportunity if she didn’t believe she could do it, but Mia didn’t want to disappoint her mentor and spoil her chances at future opportunities. This interchange could end up working out well for Mia, or it could be a disaster. The conversation itself was also an indication that Christopher and Mia need to work to build more trust and mutual understanding so they can have more honest communication. Mia and Christopher missed out on a chance for mutual learning by not discussing the significance of the opportunity, whether Christopher thought it was important for her to prioritize it over her current workload, and Mia’s concerns about her ability to manage all the work.
Using Feedback to Keep the Relationship on Track
Feedback becomes more complicated, and even more critical, when mentoring partners come from different cultural backgrounds. Mentoring partners must spend additional time understanding their differing perspectives and checking in on the mentoring relationship to make sure it is meeting the expectations and needs of both mentoring partners. As we wrap up this chapter on feedback, let’s look at how Aesha and Heather handled these concepts.
Heather started to think through how she could best help her mentee. She wanted to create a structure for them to move forward, so together they created a list of people at Any Healthcare and in the industry whom Aesha could contact to learn more. Aesha and Heather set Aesha’s goals to expand her network and awareness of the industry and to conduct informational interviews. They also established a timeline by which Aesha would complete these interviews.
At each of their subsequent meetings, Aesha reported on how the interviews were going and asked Heather questions to help her crystalize her learning. Aesha spent six weeks contacting the names on her list and conducting informational interviews. The interviews went well, and she made significant progress. Heather was impressed with Aesha’s efforts and the insights she had shared about the industry, and she told Aesha that explicitly several times.
Aesha was pleased with the plan they had created. The interviews opened her eyes to new perspectives and generated even more questions for her about consumer health-care marketing. As she neared the end of her list, she couldn’t wait to share what she had learned with Heather. On the day of their next meeting, however, Aesha arrived at her mentoring meeting feeling particularly tired and frazzled. Although she had been looking forward to sharing her progress with Heather, Aesha was clearly distracted. Heather took notice and asked her about it.
Aesha explained that she was preoccupied with family. Her husband’s parents had arrived from India two weeks earlier and this time had decided to stay for four months. Since her in-laws had arrived, Aesha found herself thinking about the ground rules she and Heather had laid out months ago. She wanted to revisit the conversation and ask Heather to reconsider the ground rules about how they structured their meetings so that Aesha could get some advice on balancing work and family.
Heather was surprised by the request. She had thought things were going well—after all, Aesha had been making such great progress on her goals. Heather hated to see Aesha’s progress stall out because of a switched focus to family issues. But it was clear that Aesha wanted additional help, and she needed it now, so Heather agreed to switch their focus temporarily. However, she encouraged Aesha to return to their original plan as soon as possible.
Aesha shared that she was feeling frazzled, pulled between work and family. Heather listened for a while. As the meeting ended, Heather switched the focus back to their work plan. She asked Aesha how she felt about their progress so far. Aesha said she was pleased with their progress and appreciated the direction they were headed in. Heather sensed hesitation from Aesha and asked her about it. When Aesha shared her concern about actually implementing their plan in timely fashion given her family obligations, Heather responded, “There are always tough choices you have to make if you want to succeed. You are going to have to set some boundaries.” Heather encouraged Aesha to compartmentalize her family issues so she could focus on achieving her goals. Then their meeting time was up.
Aesha left feeling more unsettled than when the meeting began. She had hoped Heather would be empathetic to the pull of family obligations and give practical tips on how Aesha might manage her time outside of work. She concluded that she would have to figure it out on her own. Aesha proceeded to burn the candle at both ends and showed up to their next meeting tired. Her work wasn’t suffering, but she still hadn’t figured out how to “compartmentalize” while still honoring her in-laws.
Heather took note immediately. She knew what the problem was and could tell that Aesha was distraught. “Aesha,” said Heather, “you’ve been asking me about how to balance work and family life and I’d like to offer some perspective. You’ve got to stop agonizing over this. Women have been struggling with it forever. I don’t have the answer for you. I’ve been thinking that maybe we should identify a mentor for you to focus just on that.”
Aesha, hurt and defensive, didn’t understand how Heather could not see work-life balance as part of her overall goals of time management. “I am not complaining. I have an obligation to my family. This is just how Indian culture works. Know that I am trying, as hard as I can, to make it all work.”
As a white woman who grew up in the United States with little exposure to cultures other than her own, this was new territory for Heather. She heard something in Aesha’s voice that made her pay more attention. “Maybe Aesha was right and I don’t understand,” Heather thought. She asked Aesha how being an Indian American affects her at work. Aesha shared how much she valued her family’s traditions and culture. She loved the way her heritage emphasizes interdependence of family.
“It really grounds me and makes me feel part of something deeply personal and important,” Aesha told Heather. She explained that her family was large and multigenerational, and they relied on each other for security, support, and often for social engagements. That warm connection came to life for Aesha each year around the festival of Diwali, held usually in late fall. She explained the festival of lights to Heather and her family’s experience of the celebratory event. Aesha and her family would spend most of the day cleaning and decorating the house, then have a big party with lots of food and dancing. Aesha loved this, and wanted to continue many of her family traditions, but she also felt a pull to something more modern and individualistic.
Heather was riveted and asked lots of questions. She, for instance, couldn’t understand why Aesha would agree to host her in-laws for so long. Heather’s mother used to say: “Always follow the three-day fish rule: after three days fish and guests both start to stink.” Heather mentioned this to Aesha.
“Oh no,” Aesha said, with a laugh. “Not for my family. We are fiercely loyal and dedicated to each other, particularly to older generations. Asking them to stay for less time or to stay somewhere else would be very disrespectful and viewed as me not honoring my elders and not being a dutiful wife. And I want them to come. But I find myself torn between all the things I want to do for my career and my development, and all the obligations of having extended houseguests.”
Heather was now glad Aesha had revisited the scope of their mentoring relationship, and that she was finally learning how to pick up on Aesha’s nonverbal cues to go a bit deeper. Heather was surprised at how much she’d learned and how many of her own judgments she’d dispelled in the course of just a few mentoring conversations. Now that she had gotten to know Aesha and her culture better, Heather had a keener insight into the genuine pull that Aesha’s family had on her time and Aesha’s inability to focus on current work and mentoring tasks.
Heather now understood more about how hard it was for Aesha to balance both family and work obligations. She understood how real and persistent Aesha’s feelings of guilt and obligation were. Heather had never faced anything like this. She had always been able to work harder or longer hours whenever she needed. She had always viewed the work itself as meeting her obligation to her family, not tearing her away.
In fact, until meeting Aesha, Heather thought that guilt was just an excuse people used when they weren’t fully committed to their career. Heather laughed out loud as she thought about that, feeling guilty herself for any lack of compassion she may have shown to Aesha or any other colleague in the past.
Mutual accountability is an indispensable part of the mentoring process. An accountability conversation is essentially a feedback session designed to check in and make sure the learning and the relationship are on track and moving forward. If you and your mentoring partner haven’t previously brainstormed some questions that you want to use for your check-in sessions, use the following suggestions to get started:
» How well are we communicating with one another?
» How can we improve the quality of our mentoring interaction?
» Are there some lurking dangers or “undiscussables” in our mentoring relationship?
» What additional learning opportunities, resources, and venues should we add to enhance the learning experience?
» Are we making time to reflect on our partnership regularly?
» Is the quality of our mentoring interaction satisfactory to each of us?
Chapter Recap
1. Every relationship faces obstacles at one time or another. Acknowledge that in advance and prepare yourself for how you will handle obstacles once they arise.
2. Regular feedback on goal attainment and on the mentoring relationship is essential. If you check in on the partnership and on goal progress at least once a quarter, you will be more likely to create an environment where feedback is welcome.
3. In addition to creating an environment of trust, regular feedback on the mentoring relationship will help ensure that the relationship is a good investment of time and the needs and expectations of mentor and mentee are being met.
4. Always deliver feedback honestly, openly, and in a way that is culturally appropriate for you and for your mentoring partner.