TEN

Coming to Closure

During this fourth phase of the mentoring cycle, you and your mentoring partner take stock of what you learned and make a plan for the future. Coming to closure is more than a quick handshake. Ellen Goodman, a Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist, tackled difficult conversations in founding The Conversation Project to respect people’s end-of-life wishes. She offers the following wisdom on the topic of closure: “There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit,’” she says. “It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over—and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry that we are moving up, rather than out.”⁷³

Coming to closure thus marks the end of your mentoring relationship as it once was and marks the transition to what it will become. Closure, as Goodman says, is about “moving up, rather than out.” Mentoring closure offers a unique opportunity to maximize and leverage learning.

Good Closure

Good closure provides an opportunity to leverage what you’ve learned; to look back and to move forward, whether you plan to continue your relationship or not. It presents a unique opportunity for reflection, growth, and development for both mentors and mentees. Ideally, closure should always end with an awareness of new opportunities for growth and development. Mentors and mentees who choose to continue their relationship come to closure and recycle through the phases again, hopefully with a deepened relationship. Good closure creates developmental momentum that extends far beyond the life cycle of the mentoring relationship. Mentoring partners often come away with significant and deep learning that is sustainable over time. Think about your mentors, past and present. Chances are your mentors’ wisdom still resides within you as a voice in your head.

An early mentor of Lisa’s once handed her a copy of a floppy disk bearing the words “My DIG list.” She told Lisa that DIG stands for “Damn, I’m good” and suggested Lisa record all her accomplishments throughout her career, whether large or small, so she could learn to self-advocate and get a confidence boost when she needs it. Though Lisa no longer keeps that list, even today when she has a large or small win, she hears her mentor’s voice and says to herself: “One to add to my DIG list.” Likewise, long ago, Lois’s mentor gave her this advice: “Try it. What have you got to lose?” That mentor’s wise words still ring in her ears, prompting Lois to take risks and be open to new opportunities.

Good closure offers mentors and mentees an opportunity to take stock and plan for future growth and development. Even if a mentoring relationship has not met your expectations, there is still important learning that can be gleaned from a good closure experience. A good rule of thumb to remember: never close the door to a mentoring relationship without first opening the next door to other development opportunities. Once you’ve reviewed what you’ve learned, spend time talking about your future and the next steps in your learning and development journey.

Good closure, regardless of the learning outcomes, should be a positive experience. Both mentor and mentee must come prepared for it, having reflected on the process beforehand. Together, discuss what you learned individually and as mentoring partners. Consider how the mentee might leverage learning and apply what they’ve learned more strategically, how they may have evolved as a mentor, and even the lessons the mentor has learned from the mentee about enhancing their own mentoring success. Likely you will want to celebrate your achievements, perhaps over a meal, with a toast, or an appreciative letter. Finally, you and your mentoring partner should decide how or if you wish to remain in contact with one another and on what basis. If you do continue to meet, you may decide to continue to meet as before, or going forward to meet on an ad hoc basis, or not at all. Redefining the relationship helps you and your mentoring partner move on and let go of your relationship as it was and move forward and “up.”

In this final chapter we follow the stories of our three mentoring pairs through the five steps in the closure process: (1) planning for closure, (2) reaching a learning conclusion, (3) integrating learning, (4) celebrating, and (5) redefining the relationship and moving on.

Planning for Closure

It may seem unnecessary, but it’s important to prepare for closure just as you prepared for mentoring before your first meeting with your mentoring partner. If closure is to be a mutually satisfying learning experience, you must plan and prepare for it with your mentoring partner. Spend time creating a shared sense of progress as you bring your relationship to a close. Whether you are a mentor or mentee, preparing in advance for the final mentoring meeting will help you both maximize and leverage your learning. Allowing adequate time to prepare will permit you both to further accelerate your learning, achieve better outcomes, and have a more satisfying and productive closure experience. When you plan and prepare well for closure, the learning payoff is huge. Let’s look at how Mia and Christopher planned for closure.

Mia and Christopher had been meeting for nearly a year when they scheduled a meeting to bring their mentoring year to closure. They expected that they would continue to meet as mentor and mentee and decided that they wanted to take time to reflect on what they had learned during their mentoring year. They each came to their closure conversation with a list of what they had learned. Independently, each had set aside time to reflect on the partnership, the learning process, and their learning outcomes.

Mia had hoped Christopher would help her shape her career and position her for consideration as a partner when the time was right. She wasn’t disappointed, and was grateful for his time and wisdom. Certainly, Christopher had challenged her thinking and offered her a variety of opportunities to meet and work with the other partners in the firm. She felt she was well on her way to meeting her career goals, with lots of new ideas.

Mia reflected on the goals they had set at the beginning. The first was identifying and building ten potential clients or referral sources. She felt good about what she had achieved. Although she didn’t reach her target goal of ten sources, the eight relationships she did solidly build were an accomplishment she could take pride in. Her second goal—to increase her self-awareness about how she was perceived by her peers and potential clients—had been more challenging. Mia realized that she wasn’t finished working on self-awareness. She knew that if she wanted to be successful, this would require a lifetime of attention. She took out her laptop and began her list of what she had learned.

» To slow down when I am speaking.

» How and when to speak with authority.

» To be specific in asking for what I need.

» To trust myself more.

» To check out my assumptions.

» To become more open to new experiences.

» To listen more attentively.

» Sometimes I am just too much all business.

Mia reviewed her list one last time before she closed her laptop and put it in her tote bag along with a book she had purchased that she thought Christopher would like.

Christopher couldn’t believe how fast the year had flown by. He recalled his initial reluctance in accepting the assignment of mentoring a young woman and realized now how much he would have missed out on if he hadn’t followed his friend Mike’s advice to fully engage in mentoring. He had learned about his own biases and prejudices, become more aware of generational differences, and now saw how what he had learned could be leveraged to help expand and grow the firm.

When Christopher started his list of what he had learned, he expected to have time to add to it before he met with Mia. Time ran out, but that didn’t stop him from making a mental list of all that he had learned.

» Increased awareness of generational perspectives.

» Influence of culture on my behavior.

» How assumptions frame my actions.

» Increased self-awareness from peer feedback.

» Importance of asking the right questions at the right time.

» The value of being authentic.

» Not to let fear stand in the way of mentoring or supervising women at the firm.

» YOUR TURN «

1. How will my mentoring partner and I ensure that our relationship reaches a positive learning conclusion?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. What would I like to see happen when our mentoring relationship ends?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. How will my mentoring partner and I structure our final meeting?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Reaching a Learning Conclusion

Reaching a learning conclusion is an indispensable part of coming to closure. It can help mentoring partners articulate what made the mentoring experience worthwhile. It validates both the mentor and the mentee that their mentoring time was well spent and a good investment in the mentee’s future. A learning conclusion is a focused conversation in which mentoring partners reflect on their learning, their relationship, and the mentoring process. The goal is to flesh out specifics about what you’ve learned during your experience together. This conversation is central to bringing about satisfying closure. If you skip over it, you may miss an opportunity to learn more about yourself or about mentoring. This should be a no-fault conversation about the specific learning that you and your mentoring partner have derived from your mentoring experience.

Let’s see how Darren and Martin’s final meeting went.

At the end of the yearlong mentoring program, Darren and Martin prepared for their final meeting by reflecting on their experience during the past year. Martin shared that he felt his communication skills had improved. He had developed the habit of using constructive language with his team and had been receiving positive feedback from the very people who had been on his case before. Off the top of his head, he could think of three examples of times he had applied his new communication skills.

It was huge for Martin to realize that just because he could do something, didn’t mean that he should. His growth opportunity depended on spending more time on things that he was good at and liked doing. He realized that if he wanted to move out of manufacturing, he needed to build broader relationships. If he developed more relationships, he could get a better handle on skills he needed to develop to realize his vision and pursue the opportunities that might be available.

Martin had been struck by something Darren explained to him about the framework of “low context” communication. That concept had been entirely new to Martin, but he understood it immediately. It made him think about how he liked and needed lots of information to understand things; it made him realize that his coworkers might actually be overwhelmed by his barrage of questions. Martin’s translation of his new awareness into different behaviors made a huge difference in how others related to him in the workplace.

Darren recalled Martin being stuck in a viewpoint about his future that he couldn’t seem to shake, and he recalled the meeting when they both felt the shift in Martin’s outlook and progress. Martin had been getting increasingly curious, and that was a good thing—the more he learned, the more he wanted to know.

Darren had come to realize that expectations about career advancement were different for Martin than they had been for himself. He suspected this reflected a generational difference. Like many of his age contemporaries, Martin believed he could and should take on significant responsibility and make major contributions as quickly as possible to show others that he deserved increased responsibility. For Darren, this felt a bit foreign, because he had always believed that increased responsibility came with time, title, and age. Martin had brought fresh perspectives to the relationship that Darren could now appreciate, and he saw now they could make a difference.

As a mentor, Darren’s big “aha” was that he needed to acknowledge what Martin brought to the table, and the only way he could do that was by asking questions to discover who Martin was and the talent he possessed.

» YOUR TURN «

1. What was the most valuable thing you learned from your relationship?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. In what ways have you grown and developed since this mentoring relationship began?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. What worked particularly well for you and your mentoring partner in this relationship?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. What might we each do differently the next time we engage in a mentoring relationship?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Integrating Learning

Integrating learning is about setting an intention to take what you have learned and leverage it. It is another value-added aspect of the closure process. In addition to all the benefits and purposes noted at the outset of the chapter, the intention of closure is to provide an opportunity to process and integrate what you’ve learned, enhance those learnings, build on them, leverage them, and ultimately maximize them. How did Darren integrate his learning from the mentoring partnership going forward?

Darren gained new perspectives and knowledge as a result of mentoring Martin. As a baby boomer, Darren hadn’t understood at first why Martin had gotten so upset by having to follow work rules like putting in “face time”—spending a certain amount of time at work even if he could finish the job faster working remotely instead of having to clock in and the like. Rule-following, after all, had been one of the key factors in Darren’s success. Once Darren understood that these rules seemed senseless to Martin, and therefore felt confining and disrespectful, Darren started to approach things differently. He wondered if his organization ought to review and update its work rules if it wanted to avoid losing younger talent like Martin. Darren wanted to reach out to the leaders in manufacturing, to work internally to build a more inclusive company and see what was holding back some of their employees.

Clearly, Darren saw mentoring as part of his leadership responsibility and now was even more committed to strengthening and diversifying the leadership bench in his organization. Once he did his homework, he became a cultural broker and looked for ways to bring his newly acquired knowledge and exposure back to the executive team. Because of his position, Darren ultimately was able to integrate his learning by influencing the organization to become more conscious of how it viewed employees who were traditionally marginalized or underrepresented or who had a nontraditional career path. And how did Martin integrate his learning going forward, after the year of mentoring?

Martin’s thinking had shifted as well. Even though he had met many of his mentoring goals, he was keenly aware that he still had a long way to go. True, he had built allies, in addition to Darren, who would serve as resources for him. Yet the realization that “it is all on me now” landed heavily and shifted his perspective. It was a big step for him to realize that his success and goal achievement was ultimately his responsibility. He found himself setting ground rules and checking in with his team regularly, which seemed to make everyone more efficient and productive. Darren had taught him how utilizing the talents of each team member created synergy and reinforced how important it was to get to know each member of the team.

Here’s how Mia and Christopher integrated their learning.

Mia continued to build her book of business. She realized that if she wanted people to bring their business to her, she needed to become a trusted adviser. She was making more frequent presentations in the business community and, as a result, was being asked to sit on higher-profile boards. Targeting her ideal clients had helped her lead authentically and confidently.

Christopher, too, had learned about the value of being authentic and building trust. Rather than running away from difference, he now sought to understand it. He became more understanding of others and more trusting of himself. He found himself asking more questions and searching out opportunities to work with a more diverse group of associates.

» YOUR TURN «

1. How will I apply what I’ve learned?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. What will I do as a result of what I’ve learned?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. How will I sustain my learning and keep the momentum moving forward?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Celebrating

An important part of closure is expressing appreciation to your mentoring partner. If you feel gratitude, it is a lovely gift to give. Even if you have mixed feelings about the outcome, it is important to express your appreciation for the time and effort your partner put into the process. Just as in all other phases of the mentoring relationship, it is wise to be mindful of cultural differences in expressing thanks. In most Western cultures, saying thank you is welcomed, and even expected, as a way to express gratitude and appreciation. Not offering thanks is perceived as rude or insensitive. However, in other cultures, including some Chinese, Filipino, or Indian cultures, doing nice things for friends and family is expected; an expression of thanks can be perceived as creating a formality between giver and recipient, or suggesting that the “giver” did something out of duty rather than desire. Be sure you know your partner’s cultural preferences before having the closure conversation, and mark closure in a way that is culturally appropriate for both partners.

Gratitude needn’t be a grand gesture. Consider a small memento or a written note of thanks. Some sincere words can go a long way. One mentor told us that their last meeting was lunch outside the office, during which his mentee took out a letter he had written and read it to him. The mentee described all the ways he had grown during his mentoring year and what he had learned. Profoundly moved, the mentor had no idea he had made that big a difference to his mentee. Mentors often tell us, “I don’t need thanks.” To that, we say, the thank you may be a need of the mentee, and we encourage mentors to allow mentees to express thanks to you if they wish to do so. Mentors, too, may want to express appreciation to mentees. We encourage you to think in advance about what that will look like. Aesha showed her gratitude to Heather and celebrated the mentoring partnership in a way that was meaningful to her.

Aesha had a hard time figuring out how to express her appreciation to Heather. By the time their mentoring year was up, she was grateful to Heather for so many things. The more she reflected on their relationship, the more she realized how much she had benefitted from Heather’s wisdom and counsel. There was so much she wanted to say, and she didn’t know if she could say it all in a face-to-face meeting without getting emotional. She decided to write a letter.

Aesha’s letter and gift had both surprised and gratified Heather. It also set her thinking about how much more culturally mindful she had become since mentoring Aesha. Heather was keenly aware that she had had cultural blinders on before this experience and a lot of unconscious bias about prioritizing work over family that she had come to grips with.

Heather had developed a consciousness about her own cultural lens. She hadn’t known how much her lens had limited her viewpoints, yet she now saw that she had been judging others because of that bias. Recognizing this led Heather to become more compassionate. She was surprised to realize that this softening had made her better able to relate to members of her own team and her colleagues, and she felt her other work relationships getting deeper too. The experience had stoked her curiosity and her desire to learn more about other cultures. She was now thinking about taking a trip to India next year, and Aesha had extended her parents’ hospitality to host Heather.

Celebrating mentoring should be meaningful and special. To be meaningful, it must be comfortable and unforced. It also needs to be time-sensitive and context- sensitive: Is the timing right? Is there adequate time? Is the setting comfortable? Celebrating should create value and for that to occur, it must be genuine.

» YOUR TURN «

1. How can we meaningfully celebrate our mentoring relationship? How can we make it special?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. What did I appreciate about my mentoring partner?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. How will I express my appreciation?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Redefining the Relationship and Moving On

By the time you come to closure, you certainly aren’t in the same place as when your relationship began. The obvious next question is, what’s next for you two? One or both of you may want to continue the relationship, even if it is in a different capacity. Be proactive and talk about these changes before they take place.

If you are continuing your relationship with your mentoring partner, having a closure conversation at the end of the mentoring year will allow you to reflect on your mentoring experience and cycle back through on a deeper level. It provides an opportunity to review the agreements and parameters you set at the start of your relationship. That is, did the ground rules work for you? What more would you want to add? Were there boundaries that were crossed during the year? How did your confidentiality agreements work for you? What progress did you and your mentoring partner make on your goals? Will there be new goals, or will you continue to work on the same goals? How did the feedback process work for you? What might you want to do differently?

Your relationship with your mentoring partner will be different once the mentoring relationship ends. You may decide to continue and reengage in the present relationship. You may decide to meet on an ad hoc basis, or more informally, or not at all. Once you have redefined your relationship, it is time to let go of the relationship as it was and embrace it as it will be.

Christopher and Mia Plan to Continue Their Mentoring Relationship

During their closure conversation, Christopher and Mia declared their first year as mentoring partners a resounding success. Mia was by now doing high-level work and getting recognition at the firm for her business development efforts. But her mentoring goals had only been partially fulfilled. Mia and Christopher had each become more self-aware during their year, and their conversations had become more authentic. As Mia found her own voice, Christopher realized that he didn’t have to have the answers but could help her just by asking the right questions. Although Mia was making progress, they agreed that they had more work to do to achieve Mia’s goals. They laid out a plan to go forward.

First, they would revisit the ground rules they had set about meeting frequency, time, and place. Next, they would talk about confidentiality and boundaries. They had learned about each other’s triggers, and Mia had gotten much better at slowing down the pace of her speech. Christopher had become more open and frank with Mia. They decided that they needed to incorporate two new ground rules, one about checking out assumptions before acting on them and another about being authentic. They would revisit their mentoring agreement and particularly drill down on the goals they had set. Finally, they would get to work, again.

As they were finishing up their conversation, Mia reached into her tote and brought out the wrapped package she had brought with her and handed it to Christopher. It was Notorious RGB: The Life and Times of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a book about the US Supreme Court Justice, that Mia had read and loved.⁷⁴ She hoped that Christopher would appreciate it as well and looked forward to discussing the book with him down the line.

Aesha and Heather Look for a New Mentor for Aesha

Aesha and Heather discussed whether to continue their mentoring relationship. Though they had learned a lot from each other, they each came to the same conclusion: they would end their mentoring relationship at this time. The suggestion not to continue came from Heather, who thought it would be a good idea because she had a very busy year ahead and some lofty professional development goals of her own. She knew she wouldn’t be able to dedicate the time to Aesha that Aesha deserved.

Heather’s suggestion took Aesha a bit by surprise. Aesha’s natural inclination was to continue because she believed strongly in maintaining long-term relationships and knew she still needed a mentor to make more progress on her chosen career path. Once she thought about Heather’s suggestion though, she realized that she could continue her relationship with Heather in a different form. She came around to the conviction that she could find another mentor. Perhaps, since she only had time for one mentoring relationship right now, she would find a mentor outside of Any Healthcare so she could gain broader industry perspective. When Aesha asked to stay in touch, Heather agreed immediately, and they decided to schedule lunch together once a quarter.

Aesha had given some thought about who she thought might make good mentors for her and ran her list by Heather. Heather was concerned that the individuals on the list might not have the capacity or experience to take Aesha to the next level, and she told Aesha so. Heather suggested that they take a step back to develop some criteria for Aesha’s choice based on what she wanted to learn and what characteristics she was looking for in a mentor. They developed a list, and both Aesha and Heather added more names. They then evaluated who might be the best fit for Aesha at this time. Two potential names were identified, and Heather offered to make introductions for Aesha.

Heather’s experience had been so positive and different from her other mentoring experiences that she too decided to find her own mentor. As she looked to achieve her own goals the coming year, she realized that she hadn’t had a mentor in a long time and having the support of a mentor could be invaluable in improving her approach and effectiveness. She wanted to learn how other mentors functioned and what more she could learn from being a mentee again. She, too, decided to look for a mentor outside the organization and turned to an international leadership organization for a mentoring match.

Darren Becomes an Occasional Adviser for Martin

Even though their formal mentoring relationship was ending, Martin realized he was still going to need some advice from Darren. He had just learned that he was being considered for a product analyst role outside of manufacturing and was thrilled about it. At the same time, he was feeling guilty that he might be leaving his coworkers behind. Now that he had a better relationship with his manufacturing leaders, he wanted to handle his exit in a way that would keep the relationships with his team and his leaders intact. This was a new problem to discuss with Darren. Martin was so grateful that Darren had left the door open for some as-needed advice. He scheduled a time for the two of them to get coffee, and Martin decided he would be the one to buy the cappuccinos this time.

Mentoring is a critical part of personal growth and development and affords a lifetime of opportunity to grow and develop. Redefining mentoring relationships helps both mentor and mentee to bring closure to their experiences and, most important, to learn from them. It also allows partners to circle back and potentially reconnect comfortably years after a mentoring relationship has ended.

» YOUR TURN «

1. How will your mentoring relationship be different after it has concluded?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. If you plan to reconnect with your mentoring partner, how will that happen?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. What is the next step you need to take to further your development and growth?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter Recap

1. Whether you are a mentor or mentee, preparing in advance for the final mentoring meeting will help maximize and leverage your learning.

2. To be meaningful and relevant, the closure process you engage in with your mentoring partner must be culturally appropriate.

3. Look toward the future in coming to closure. Once you’ve reviewed what you’ve learned, spend time talking about the future and the next step in the mentee’s learning and development journey. Consider the implications for the mentor’s growth and development as well.

4. Evaluate how your current agreement worked for you before you choose to continue in the same relationship. Avoid the temptation of jumping right back in without reflecting on your prior experience together. You may find that you want to revise your agreements.