CHAPTER 9
Independence
“Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one's own person is its ultimate reward.”
—AUTHOR PATRICIA SIMPSON
Independent people constantly strive to be masters of their own destiny. They prefer to think and make decisions on their own path rather than follow the prevailing way of thinking and allowing others to decide for them. Yes, they do consider other people's opinions and take into account the information provided to them. In the end, however, they settle on what works best for them. Independent types can sometimes be misunderstood and accused of being arrogant or not being good team players. They are neither; they are just marching to the beat of their own drummer. People who have a high degree of independence are free of emotional dependency. They will not stay in a relationship or a job that does not meet their needs for long.
Individuality vs. Community
We have inherent needs to be both ourselves and at the same time part of something larger, a community. These two often opposing needs are one of the dichotomies of life that we all struggle with. Healthy, functioning individuals have managed to find a balance between maintaining a strong sense of who they are and giving of themselves for the good of the community.
All relationships require a degree of mutual dependency. There is an inherent conflict in being part of a couple between each person being themselves versus being part of a couple. It is a normal dynamic and one that has to be dealt with in any relationship. In healthy relationships this is dealt with openly and honestly and both partners learn to grow more secure in their relationship while still maintaining and growing their individuality. In essence, as each person grows as an individual, he or she has more to give to the relationship. As each person grows, so does the relationship. This is called interdependence.
On the other hand in a codependent relationship, individual growth is viewed as a threat to the relationship by one or both of the parties. Issues are seldom openly dealt with and one partner often tries to intimidate or bully the other. It is based on fear and insecurity that one of the partners will leave the relationship.
In the workplace as well as in the home, interdependence is the key to a successful relationship. Like in any familial relationship there is an inherent ongoing struggle between what is good for the employee and what is good for the organization. Employees who feel that they are able to grow themselves in their place of business will have more to offer the organization. Their newfound skills and confidence will be paid back to the organization in terms of increased productivity and loyalty to the organization. Southwest Airlines has managed to produce a workplace environment that is highly conducive to interdependency. Staff members are encouraged to retain and grow their individuality while at the same time increasing their loyalty and value to the organization. In the end, it is a win-win situation whereby the individual is able to reach his or her own potential while at the same time belonging to and contributing toward a supportive community.
Independent types do not have the same urge to fit in or be popular as their more dependent cohorts. They are driven more by their internal forces than by the expectations of society or others around them. Being independent requires a good dose of self-regard as well as courage. Independence requires taking risks and living with the results of things not turning out as hoped. This is all part of the price that has to be paid for making one's own way in life. It is also part of the learning curve for autonomous types, as they learn from their mistakes, forgive themselves, and move on. Believing in oneself is a necessary prerequisite for independence, as there will be times when decisions will have to be made without a lot of support and backing from others.
There are many well-known examples of individuals who have persevered despite many setbacks before they reached their goal. Abraham Lincoln did not simply become president overnight. He tried and failed many times while running for public office before he reached the pinnacle of his success. Thomas Edison was unsuccessful thousands of times in his attempts to build an electric lightbulb. The papers of the day were printing articles ridiculing his project, calling it foolishness and admonishing him to give up and admit defeat. A young reporter interviewing him asked him why he persisted in this folly when it was clear that he was not getting anywhere. He told the reporter that he did not understand failure. Failure was not what it appeared to be for most people, but rather the price that had to be paid for success. Edison went on to say that every time he failed he could eliminate one way of doing it, bringing him one step closer to the way that would work. Obviously, Lincoln and Edison had to have a great deal of internal motivation and a high degree of self-worth to withstand external judgments and pressures.
Independence also requires a certain amount of assertiveness. Independent people are not afraid to ask for what they want, and do not give up if they do not immediately get what they are after. They usually are not afraid to try new things and pursue a diverse range of interests. To be happy and fulfilled, independence-oriented individuals need to find partners and workplaces that will accommodate and support their needs. Many work for themselves or are in positions that allow them a great deal of flexibility in their roles. Independent people realize that they have to find either an environment in which they can reach their potential or else create one for themselves. They are not afraid to leave an employer who will not give them opportunities to make the most of their talents. In Successful Intelligence, Robert Sternberg talks about the need for people to make the most of what they have.
There is a story of a man who dies and goes straight to heaven. Saint Peter gives him a brief tour of the premises and points to an individual, mentioning that he was the greatest poet of his time. The man looks at Saint Peter, incredulous. “Excuse me,” he says, “but I knew that man. He was nothing more than a humble shoemaker. He never even went to school or learned how to write.” “Precisely so,” responds Saint Peter. Never given the chance to develop his writing skills, the man's prodigious talent went to waste. The story would be more humorous if it weren't true of so many people.
Successful intelligent people realize that the environment in which they find themselves may or may not enable them to make the most of their talents. They actively seek an environment where they can not only do competent work but also make a difference. They create their own opportunities rather than let their opportunities be limited by the circumstances in which they happen to find themselves.1
“Depend not on another, but lean instead on thyself. True happiness is born of self-reliance.”
—THE LAWS OF MANU
Laura's Story
Out of high school, Laura got a job working as an operations coordinator for a tour company in Alaska for the summer. The atmosphere of Alaska—the freedom of the open spaces and independent spirit of the people who lived there—suited her. The job was not an easy one. She had to give direction to a group of male tour bus drivers, who were almost all older than she was and some of whom had worked for the organization for a number of years. Although some staff members resented her, others admired her for being able to stand on her own two feet.
Although Laura enjoyed her independence, she also found that it came with a price. She found herself at times left out of social gatherings that most of her coworkers were invited to. Sometimes she caught herself thinking that she had become too independent and would not fit in with coworkers who all appeared to be needier than she was. At times she felt lonely and unsupported. To counter this feeling, she began to ask for advice from coworkers more and made it a point to thank others for their input even though she only acted on it occasionally. Over time, she found her coworkers became more open and warm with her. At times, she wished she was less independent and more like everyone else. However, she decided that there were trade-offs in life and maybe not being one of the in crowd was a price that self-sufficient souls like her had to pay. Her boss valued her ability to think and act independently and trusted her judgment to make sound decisions. The business was growing quickly, decisions had to be made quickly and on the spot, and he needed people who were able to do so. Besides being independent, Laura was good at problem solving and able to think on her feet. She was confident in her abilities and had good empathy. She used her strong people skills to soothe disgruntled customers.
Laura understood her strengths and encouraged Dan, her boss, to let her handle more responsibility in areas that she thoroughly enjoyed and was highly competent in. Because his operations were overstretched, Dan was happy to give Laura plenty of leeway because he had faith in her.
One of the staff members whom Laura supervised in her office was Jennifer. Her shyness and lack of faith in her own decision making reminded Laura of herself when she was growing up. She spent extra time with Jennifer, asking her to think of a couple of solutions to the problems that she typically came to Laura with. Most of the time, they were not decisions that would have drastic consequences if they were wrong. Whenever Jennifer came up with a decision, Laura told her to go ahead and do it. If the decisions ended up being the wrong choices, Laura turned it into a learning experience, asking Jennifer what she would do differently. At the end of each discussion, she always stressed that Jennifer had made the best decision with the information she had at the time and that every wrong decision was an opportunity for growth and learning.
At times, Laura found herself becoming impatient and wanting to scream at Jennifer. She was careful, however, not to show her frustration when they were together, knowing that if she did any progress she was making, even if it seemed at times to be very little, would be lost. After several months, Laura noticed that Jennifer was approaching her less with routine decisions that she was quite capable of making herself. Usually when she now came to Laura, she was in over her head and needed Laura's advice. Instead of simply making a decision for Jennifer, Laura would talk over the situation, give Jennifer the benefit of the information she had and ask Jennifer what she would do. She always made sure that Jennifer had some part in the decision-making process.
Through her job, Laura met an operations coordinator for another tour company. She and Ed enjoyed a lot of things together—canoeing, hiking, and camping in the mountains. Both were active and stayed in shape. Since Ed was also highly independent, it seemed like a match made in heaven. Deeply in love for the first time in her life, they were married six months later. After the honeymoon, it did not take Laura long to realize there was a side to Ed that she had noticed but, in her state of bliss, had chosen to ignore.
Although he was independent himself, he had a great deal of trouble accepting her independence. It was a threat to him and he was opposed to anything new that she wanted to try. She described him as a control freak who needed to dominate every detail of her life as well as make all decisions that should have been made jointly in a healthy relationship. It was a difficult time for Laura. For the first time in her life, she began to have serious doubts about herself and her self-worth suffered. Ed continually told her that she was abnormal and had problems. It began to dawn on Laura that she was in a codependent relationship. As much as she tried to reassure Ed about their relationship, she realized that she had very little control over his insecurities. After two years, Laura had had enough and they were divorced.
It took her about six months to get back to where she had the confidence to go out and do things on her own. One day she realized that it was sure great to have the old Laura back again. Her independent spirit was challenged, but had resurfaced and she was excited to think of the possibilities to come.
“It requires greater courage to preserve inner freedom, to move on in one's inward journey into new realms, than to stand defiantly for outer freedom. It is often easier to play the martyr than to be rash in battle.”
—AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGIST ROLLO MAY
Techniques for Increasing Independence
- At the end of the day, write down a decision that you made on your own in a notebook you keep just for that purpose. It is okay if you sought input from others to gather information and help you decide, as long as you did not expect others to decide for you.
- Practice making quick decisions on small, unimportant matters. When looking at a menu in a restaurant, for example, give yourself three minutes to make a decision. Ask someone to time you or time yourself. Stick to the time limit.
- Every week do one thing for yourself, by yourself. Choose something you always wanted to do but were afraid to, or did not want to do alone. For example, did you want to go to a certain movie but couldn't find anyone to go with? Go on your own this week.
- When in a group, do you speak up and voice an opinion if it is different from the others? If not, do so this week. Force yourself to speak up and say how you really feel. Think about it after and tell yourself that you're glad you had the courage to speak your mind, even if the others did not support it. Do this the following week and the week after that.
- If you are always going out for lunch with the crowd at work, try going alone once per week. Choose a place different from the usual place you go. Try a different type of food. Explore.
- Sit down and look at changes that you want to make to your life. Be honest with yourself. Make a list of what you want to change in a month, six months, and one year. Write them down and put in specific things you need to do by a certain time. Stick to your plan. If you miss a step, go back and start again. Set aside a specific time to look at your plan annually. Reward yourself for meeting your goals. Set the rewards to match the goals. Celebrate major goals with major rewards, such as a trip, stereo system, or whatever else you can afford but have denied yourself.
Note
1. Robert Sternberg, Successful Intelligence (New York: Simon & Schuster), p. 2.