CHAPTER 10
Empathy
“The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.”
—ACTRESS MERYL STREEP
There are people who can understand others, while some people have absolutely no idea where others are coming from. Even though we may not be consciously aware of it, we naturally feel closer to people who understand us and therefore tend to become more open and trust them. Think of the people you go to for support and comfort when you need it. What qualities do they have? They are people with empathy.
Empathy means being able to accurately read where other people are at emotionally. It means being able to get below the words others are saying to sense the underlying feelings. To do that, we must be able to pick up not only the words but also the force and tone with which they are said. Along with this, we also need to take into account facial expression, posture, and other indicators that will give us valuable clues into the person's emotional state.
Empathy Is Not Sympathy
There is a lot of confusion about what empathy is. For some people, it has warm and fuzzy connotations and words like warm, sympathetic, and caring come to mind.
But empathy does not mean we necessarily have to express ourselves in a warm, caring, or sympathetic way. Empathy is often confused with sympathy but the two are quite different. Sympathy brings out our own feelings. When we feel sorry for someone, we are not in the best state to be doing what is best for that person. Let's say, for example, that someone close to us whom we care a great deal about is injured and has to learn to live with a handicap. We watch the person struggle to do tasks that were simple before, but since the accident have become quite difficult. In order for that person to become independent again, however, it is essential that he learns how to do these types of things for himself. If we feel sympathy for the person, we might feel compelled to rush in and help with the task. This would not do the person any favors, however, since it would delay his ability to learn to do the task himself and impede his progress toward becoming independent. Our empathy, on the other hand, would allow us to see the situation that the person is in, yet step back and act in a manner that would ultimately be in that person's best interest.
I remember going bowling with my nephew Brett when he was in his preteens. He wanted more than anything to beat his Uncle Harvey. As much as I wanted to throw a game to let him win, I felt that it would not benefit him unless he was able to win a game fair and square. I knew that at some point he would be able to beat me and eventually he did. At that point he was able to savor a true, authentically earned victory. Letting him win before that would have denied him this experience.
Having received training in one of the helping professions, my professors went to great lengths to explain the difference. In helping relationships, getting hooked into someone's feelings causes us to lose our objectivity along with the ability to help the person. Not only that, it results in pretty rapid burnout.
We do not have to feel sorry for other people, or relate our own feelings to theirs to understand how others are feeling. Empathy allows us to imagine how the world would look like through someone else's eyes, yet at the same time not be drawn in emotionally to their realm.
In their revised and updated version of The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success, authors Steven J. Stein, Ph.D., and Howard E. Book, M.D., define empathy as:
The ability to see the world from another person's perspective, the capacity to tune in to what someone else might be thinking and feeling about a situation—regardless of how that view might differ from your own perception. It is an extremely powerful interpersonal tool. When you make an empathic statement, even in the midst of an otherwise tense or antagonistic encounter, you shift the balance. A contentious and uneasy interchange becomes a more collaborative alliance.1
Empathy happens at an awareness and understanding level. We do not have to agree with people or particularly like them to have empathy for them. Think about someone you really don't care for. Imagine that person losing someone very close to them. Although we might not feel sympathy for the individual, we can understand the feelings of grief and loss the person would be going through.
Empathy is one of the key ingredients that successful salespeople possess. Many people see sales as being all about giving the customer the best deal, the best product, and service at the best price. But selling is primarily about relationship building. Spend some time thinking about salespeople from whom you made major purchases. Why did you decide to buy from these individuals? Did you like them? This may seem like a silly question and an oversimplification, but think about an instance when you bought something substantial from someone you didn't like. Most likely you haven't.
Most people think of life insurance in terms of costs and benefits. Traditionally, salespeople in that field were taught that in order to make a successful sale you had to convince the customer that your policy was better than your competitor's. American Express brought in consultants trained in emotional intelligence to help their life insurance sales force become more effective. From the consultants they discovered that selling life insurance involved much more than facts and figures. When we think of our own demise and loved ones we are leaving behind, a lot of emotions come into the equation. Salespeople who are sensitive to this and able to effectively demonstrate this sensitivity to their customers sell more life insurance policies.
Putting Empathy to Work
Fiona was Corrie's manager at a branch of a large financial institution that had branches across the United States, Europe, and Asia. They had recently come up with a new process that Fiona was hoping that the organization would adopt throughout their operations. As Corrie was instrumental in developing the process and was a recognized expert on the topic in her branch, Fiona decided she would be the natural choice to present to the annual meeting of the U.S. division. Although Corrie was very knowledgeable, she was somewhat of an introvert and not comfortable speaking to large numbers of people. The annual meeting would have up to four hundred employees from various levels from all across the country. She met with Fiona to discuss her concerns and anxieties concerning the presentation.
| Corrie: | I'm not really good with talking to a lot of people. I get really nervous and have trouble concentrating on what I have to say. I wish someone else could do the presentation. |
Next are three examples of how Fiona could have responded, indicating varying levels of empathy.
Response 1
| Fiona: | You'll do fine. There's nothing to it. You know this stuff better than anyone else around here. |
In this response, Fiona showed a complete lack of empathy. She failed to even acknowledge Corrie's anxiety over the presentation, which would be the first basic step toward working on a solution with her. Instead, she dismissed Corrie's feelings entirely, leaving Corrie even more anxious and feeling completely unsupported and misunderstood.
Response 2
| Fiona: | Lots of people have a fear of public speaking. I used to until I went to Toastmasters. Now I'm okay, even though I get a little nervous. There's nothing wrong with being a little nervous. You know your stuff well, so you'll be okay. |
In the second response, Fiona at least acknowledged Corrie's anxiety. She did not address it, however, only speaking about it in general terms and talking about her own experience. She did not invite Corrie to help her look for ways to lesson her anxiety. As a result, Corrie still feels that her concerns were not taken seriously and addressed in a caring manner.
Response 3
| Fiona: | Sounds like you are feeling really stressed over the thought of having to do this presentation. |
| Corrie: | Yeah, I get knots in my stomach and tongue-tied when I have to talk in front of a group of people. |
| Fiona: | Sounds like you are really stressed out about this presentation. I remember feeling like that up to a couple of years ago whenever I had to present something. Since I started going to Toastmasters, I've been able to shed a lot of my anxiety, although I still get a bit nervous. Have you ever considered going to something like Toastmasters? It really helped me. |
| Corrie: | I probably should. I've heard good things about it. A friend of mine has been with them for five years and always wants to take me as a guest. This presentation is only a couple of weeks away and Toastmasters won't help me this time. |
| Fiona: | Is there anything I or anybody else on the team could do to help? Would it help if you did a trial run at our unit meeting this Thursday? You don't have any problems talking to our group and it might help you feel more confident. If you want I can set up a meeting with Garret in communications. I hear that he has some good exercises that you could work on that might take off some of that anxiety load that you're carrying. If you want more practice, I can talk to the folks in unit C about practicing your presentation at their unit meeting next Thursday. You know all of them pretty well and the more you practice, the more comfortable you'll become. That's the way it's always worked for me anyway. |
| Corrie: | Sure, I'll give it a try. Maybe once I've done it a few times in front of people I'll feel better. |
In this instance, Fiona showed good empathic listening skills. She responded directly in a caring manner that indicated that she understood where Corrie was coming from. Corrie felt that she was heard, understood, and cared about. Having been in Corrie's shoes, she used this to build trust and understanding for working toward a solution that they both could live with. She explored with Corrie some ideas that might help her get the fear monkey off her back, or at least lighten his weight.
It would have been even better if Fiona had let Corrie come up with her own solutions to her anxiety. In this case, Fiona felt that Corrie's anxiety would limit anything she could come up with on her own. Besides, time was running out and they did not have the luxury of a long-term plan. Overall, it was an effective use of empathy. Chances are Corrie will become more confident and will do a good job in the presentation. She knows she has the support of her boss and coworkers and her relationship with Fiona has become stronger. If things go well, she will come away feeling more self-confident. She may also feel grateful to Fiona for believing in her enough to not take the easy way out and give the presentation to one of her coworkers.
A company that exudes empathy is Southwest Airlines—from management to the employees and employees to one another. Lorraine Grubbs-West, an executive with the company, describes what happened when her husband became ill with cancer.
My husband had been ill with cancer for over two years and everyone in the system had provided incredible support. Baskets of cards from people across the company dotted the landscape inside my home and many had even given me their vacation days so I could spend time with my husband at the hospital! At three o'clock sharp, a huge black limousine pulled up in front of our home and the entire staff from my office piled out! Excitedly, they explained that they were inviting me and my family to dinner at a five-star restaurant and then to see a performance of A Christmas Carol. It was the middle of December, and we had a marvelous family evening—one I will never forget. It would also be the last meal my husband was able to eat. He passed away just a few weeks later.2
The Power of Acknowledging Feelings
One day at a local park, I ran into my friend Linda and her two grandchildren, six-year-old Josh and his ten-year-old brother, Warren. The brothers had a close relationship, apart from the usual squabbles that boys their age get into. Things were going well until Josh started crying. Between sobs he complained bitterly to his grandmother that his older brother had said something to him or done something that he did not like. Linda reacted quickly. “Josh, I know you have to cry because you feel hurt, but if it doesn't stop in five minutes you're going to have to go sit in the car.”
I have seen many situations in which a six-year-old starts crying, so I expected a long and drawn-out episode of tears and wailing. This is often accompanied by the parent raising their voice and threatening consequences if the child does not stop. The more the parent threatens, the more the child cries. It becomes a standoff, a power struggle of sorts.
Therefore, I was quite shocked to see that after a few more sobs, Josh stopped crying and muttered “okay.” This seemed quite amazing. What special skills did Linda have that could get a six-year-old to stop crying, and so quickly? She simply used a basic understanding of feelings and how they affect us. There are four basic rules about feelings.
- Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are.
- We are all entitled to our feelings.
- We have no right to judge other people's feelings and nobody has a right to judge ours.
- We all have a strong need to have our feelings acknowledged.
Linda's acknowledgment of Josh's feelings resulted in his being able to let go of them easily and quickly. There was no longer any need to hang on to them. Within a few minutes, he and Warren were engaged in a game, the incident forgotten. Linda's other message to Josh was that, while his feelings were okay and natural, there was a time to express them and a time to move on. To continue to express them after that time would not benefit him.
“Friendship is a living thing that lasts only as long as it is nourished with kindness, empathy, and understanding.”
—AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Susan and Tanya's Story
Susan was responsible for her sister Tanya, who was five years younger. Susan took on a great deal of the parent role by looking after her younger sister at an age when she was still a child herself. Her father was very controlling and demanded that Susan look after her little sister whenever the parents weren't around. Years later, Susan was to find out from an uncle that her father had been made by his parents to be responsible for a younger brother and this was a continuation of a family cycle.
Ever since she could remember, Susan had been afraid of her father. He saw himself as the rightful head of the household, was demanding of his family, and was intolerant of any sign of weakness. Her mother, submissive and withdrawn, turned over all parental decision-making and discipline issues to her dominant husband.
Although not as harsh as he was, inevitably Susan became a model of her father, expecting the same kind of behavior from Tanya as her father expected from her. Tanya resisted what she felt was her older sister's controlling of her life and constantly telling her what to do.
A free spirit with a propensity for rebellion, Tanya was constantly getting into mischief, doing things that she shouldn't. Susan was constantly blamed for the trouble Tanya was in because she wasn't watching her sister as closely as she should have. Susan carried the hurt and sense of gross unfairness that she was punished for something that Tanya did into adulthood. Susan, always the responsible one, went on to university and obtained a degree in personnel administration with honors. From there, she went on to become a manager in a large company. Tanya, always the free spirit, worked at various jobs after completing high school and traveled the world, working at different places. After bouncing around for a number of years all over the world, Tanya applied to and was accepted into a journalism course at college. Talented and not afraid of taking risks, the field suited Tanya perfectly. After graduating, she found work with a major media outlet and excelled at her job. In her personal life, however, she continued to harbor a great deal of anger at the way Susan had treated her growing up. She seldom called her sister, who was the only one who made an effort to stay in touch.
Susan had a great deal of anger at both of her parents—at her father for his harshness and unfair treatment of her, and at her mother for not fulfilling her responsibilities as a parent. Eventually, she joined a women's self-help group where she was encouraged to vent her feelings and share them with the rest of the group. This helped Susan a lot. The intensity of the anger and the duration were a lot less than before.
Susan's next step was to share her story with Tanya and hope that her younger sister would be able to forgive her. In the past, all of Susan's attempts to draw Tanya into conversation about their childhood resulted in Tanya getting angry, yelling at Susan, and calling her a tyrant. This was hard for Susan to accept, but she was determined to keep on trying to reach out to her sister.
When she phoned Tanya the next time, she was surprised by the tone of Tanya's voice. It did not sound angry or resentful. Susan was surprised to learn that Tanya herself had joined a women's self-help group and was working through some issues. Although she sounded a little guarded, Tanya agreed to spend a weekend with Susan. They went away to a cabin in the mountains. “It was like a cleansing process,” said Susan. “We talked, cried, talked, and cried some more.”
Susan told Tanya she understood how she felt toward her. She shared her feelings about those times with Tanya, such as how much pressure she felt from their father and how it felt to be punished for something that Tanya did. Susan listened while Tanya talked about what it was like to have Susan on her case all the time, how smothered and controlled she felt.
Both of them came away with an understanding of why the other acted and behaved the way she did. Sharing their feelings was the first step in the long process of building a relationship. Although the road ahead was still long and hard, both had taken the first giant step on the journey and things between them had changed forever.
After the weekend, both Tanya and Susan became more aware of how the relationship between them and their parents was playing itself out in various scenarios in their workplaces. Susan became aware that she was often short and impatient with subordinates whom she felt she had to coddle and handhold. Susan realized that she had been micromanaging her staff, unconsciously playing the big sister role, which was expected of her by her father, in the workplace. Only after the weekend with her sister was she able to begin breaking free of the urge to babysit her employees.
Giving back more control of their work to Susan's staff was not easy. Several had become quite dependant on her and looked quite anxious the first time she told them that she trusted them and did not have to always check their work. When they came to her with a question, she would ask them to come up with a possible solution before coming to her. Over time, Susan was able to wean them off of the dependency that she herself had contributed toward creating.
As her relationship with Tanya evolved over time, Susan used her as a sounding board to talk about work situations. Tanya's feedback was valuable as she was able to see things from the viewpoint of Susan's staff. While her staff were often too afraid or timid to tell her exactly how they felt about her, Tanya was able to offer her version of what they might be experiencing. It took some time, but slowly Susan saw signs that she was beginning to trust her employees.
Tanya had her own issues at work. Always a free spirit and independent, she bristled at the thought of being told what to do. Anyone in the position of authority over her—including Sabrina, the senior editor—was the object of her subtle and on occasion overt hostility. Tanya had a column in a major paper and even though she worked independently a great deal, Sabrina had to approve her work and at times request that she make changes. Tanya, however, did not appreciate these suggestions, taking them as criticisms. Tanya gave her the cold treatment whenever Sabrina gave her feedback on her writing.
After the weekend with her sister, Tanya had her own awakening. She realized that Sabrina strongly reminded her of her older sister. The more she seriously thought about it, the more she began to realize that she had been unfair to her boss. While her boss had meant feedback to be constructive and helpful, what Tanya heard was the criticism from an older sister. She felt some guilt over having treated Sabrina this way and at times felt that she had been acting like a spoiled brat. Deciding that she needed to do something to make amends to her boss, she asked her to go for lunch.
At first lunch was tense, with Sabrina sensing that Tanya was struggling with something she wanted to say but wasn't sure how to start. Tanya suddenly started crying and it all came pouring out. It all came out jumbled, about her older sister, the weekend, how she realized that she had been “a real bitch” to Sabrina and she was sorry as she “did not deserve to be treated that way.” After she stopped crying, Sabrina went up to her and gave her a big hug. This was better than she had expected. It was a giant first step toward a long and fulfilling work relationship.
“We feel most comfortable around those that we sense, at some level, are most sensitive to our needs and feelings. We also tend to trust them more…. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real estate, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love, and faith.”
—BERTRAND RUSSELL, BRITISH PHILOSOPHER AND HISTORIAN
Techniques for Increasing Empathy
- Every day pick a conversation and pay attention to the feelings behind the words. Also pay attention to the tone of the words. Ask a question or two about the feelings to see if your perceptions are accurate.
- When a group of people are having a conversation and you are not directly involved, try to figure out how each person is feeling by paying attention to tone of voice, facial expressions, and words with underlying meanings.
- Pick the person you feel closest to and most open with. Spend a few minutes every day just listening to what this person is saying. Give them feedback: what they said and how you think they felt. Avoid making judgments or giving advice. Check to see if what you heard was what they meant.
- After watching a movie have a discussion with family or friends about how the characters felt and why they felt that way.
Notes
1. Steven J. Stein, Ph.D., and Howard E. Book, M.D., The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success (Mississauga, ON: John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd., 2006), p. 126.
2. Lorraine Grubbs-West, Lessons In Loyalty: How Southwest Airlines Does It—An Insider's View (Dallas: CornerStone Leadership Institute, 2005), p. 85.