CHAPTER 8
Self-Actualization
“You always pass failure on the road to success.”
—MICKEY ROONEY, EMMY AWARD–WINNING AMERICAN FILM ACTOR AND ENTERTAINER
“There is only one success—to be able to spend your life in your own way.”
—CHRISTOPHER MORLEY, AMERICAN JOURNALIST, ESSAYIST, NOVELIST, AND POET
Self-actualization refers to what we have achieved in life compared with what we really want to accomplish. This is difficult to assess honestly and accurately. It requires us to be in tune with our true feelings and desires. Many people have long given in to other people's definitions of success, so that their own wishes have become buried in their subconscious. In our culture, we are programmed to immediately think of success in terms of how much we have accumulated financially and materially. Many people will see self-actualization strictly in terms of how well they have done in their careers or businesses, and how well they have managed their finances. Financial success can greatly enhance our freedom and expand our options in life, allowing us to enjoy and experience a much more varied lifestyle. As well, it can also give us a strong sense of achievement and increase our self-regard. Success, though, is much broader than that, encompassing the whole of our lives, including our relationships with others, hobbies and interests, and our level of personal growth. There are people who have acquired much more than anyone expected of them, yet they are miserable, lacking good relationships with their families and others, and having no satisfying life outside of their work or business. But they are quick to find out that no amount of success will compensate for failure in our families.
“This is the greatest time in history to be alive. This is the dawn of a new generation, the fully creative human being…the health seeking, prosperity attracting, relationship blessing and world transforming man and woman…the highest intelligence on Earth.”
—AUTHOR MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
The term self-actualization was originally coined by Kurt Goldstein, an organismic theorist who referred to the term as the motive for us to realize our potentials. The concept of self-actualization is usually associated with psychologist Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory. In this theory, there are different levels of needs, and we have to have our needs met in one area before we can move on to the next level. On the bottom level are the basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter. After that comes our need for safety. After our basic physical needs are met, we move on to emotional needs such as love and respect. On top of the hierarchy, at the peak of the pyramid, is self-actualization. Self-actualization is an embodiment of all of the higher human qualities such as the ability to form deep friendships, a sense of humor, independence, and autonomy. It is seen as the ultimate in human evolution to be able to transcend our environment instead of simply resigning ourselves to coping with it. Some people feel that this level can never be reached by humans. Nevertheless, it is a goal worth striving for. It is the ultimate of the human experience and unless we are actively striving for this we are selling ourselves short and settling for less than we can be.
Taking Your Life Where You Want It to Go
Self-actualization will be easier to determine for those who have had long-term goals in their lives and clear directions. Others, who have no clear path and have been unsure of where they wanted to get to in life, will have a more difficult time determining how far they have progressed on their journey. We assume that people who are rich and famous are following their dreams and have a sense of accomplishment in their lives. What they have is highly visible, and we are constantly reminded that this is what we should all strive for. Other kinds of achievement are much more subtle and hidden. For example, someone who has been on a long spiritual quest may feel that they have carried out their life's purpose. The only way we really know if we are living the life we are meant to live is to go inside. Since we have an unlimited capacity for deluding ourselves intellectually, our mind will not give us an accurate reading of how far we have traveled in our journey. Only our inner feelings will truly let us know if we are living the way we really want to.
We become what we think about. As discussed previously, our life today is a result of all of our thoughts from our past. One way to change the future is to think only of the things that we want.
The challenge is that experts tell us we have more than sixty thousand thoughts a day. It would be impossible to monitor our thoughts all day long to ensure that we are focusing on what we want from life. A powerful way to gain insight into our creative thoughts is to monitor our feelings. Our feelings are in sync with our thoughts. We cannot have negative thoughts and feel good and vice versa. Therefore if we are experiencing good feelings, our thoughts are on the right track. If we are experiencing stress, anger, or some kind of discomfort, our thoughts are negative and an indication to us that we are off course.
In his book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talks about a state of consciousness that we reach when we are totally absorbed in what we are doing. This state, which he calls flow, allows us to transcend our everyday problems and worries and feel that we have reached the pinnacle of our abilities. Csikszentmihalyi claims that we do not reach this ultimate state by chance, but by taking on tasks that are challenging but not above our abilities. Think of your life and see if there are times that you feel you have experienced flow.
My friend Julia experiences flow when she goes downhill skiing. When she is on top of her game and going through moguls, she feels like she could take off and fly. She feels like she is able to do anything. Her focus clears her mind and she becomes totally absorbed in her body and her skis. The skis become a part of her and she becomes the master of her universe. At the bottom of the slope, waiting for the lift to take her back up, Julia feels a warm afterglow, a feeling of total calm and comfort deep within herself.
Michel works as a head chef for one of the highest-rated restaurants in a major city. His articles have been published by major food and restaurant journals. When creating one of his award winning dishes, Michel appears to go into a trance. He jokingly says that his staff probably thinks that he has lost it as he has been told that he is so intense that he takes on the look of a madman. As he works on a dish, he imagines perfection and a total taste sensation every time a customer takes a bite of the dish.
Think about moments in your life when you were so totally engrossed in what you were doing that you forgot the time, or even where you were. What do you do that you are really good at, that you can really master? What challenges you in a way that is totally absorbing, that requires everything you have? These experiences of flow are signs on the highway toward self-actualization.
Inner Motivation
Our environment can support us in reaching our potential, or it can throw roadblocks and barriers in our way. Besides our own abilities, the type of environment we grow up in will determine which goals we feel are worth pursuing and which are not. Someone whose father is a wealthy, successful businessperson and who truly has the desire to be successful in business will receive much more support than someone who has the same amount of desire to be successful in business but happens to be the child of a single parent living on government assistance. Obviously, reaching the desired goal will require more inner resources for the latter person. It will require much more courage, perseverance, and dedication. People who leave their environment behind to go after their goals have to rely on feelings of inner satisfaction to motivate them. Often, their old environment will not applaud their progress, and their new world will not understand and appreciate their struggles from the perspective of where they are coming from. The saying that the acorn does not fall far from the tree is not always true. In some cases, it lands in an entirely different forest. The following is an example of someone who pursued a path far from his roots.
Ted's Story
Ted remembers growing up in a hardworking rural farm family, the youngest of three children. He has an older brother, who works in the trades. His sister works in an office in a small town close to where they grew up. Growing up, Ted always considered himself to be different from those around him. He often jokes that there must have been a mix-up at the hospital and he ended up going to the wrong parents. While other children in the local community were interested in the work of their parents and activities of the area, Ted was interested in world events. He consumed newspapers, articles, and books, while others his age were interested in tinkering with cars. Ted had no problem achieving good grades in high school, despite putting little effort into his work. He was naturally bright, had an excellent memory, and picked up new information very quickly.
In high school, while his male classmates planned to take over the family farm, take up a trade, or take a job in the local dairy processing plant, Ted considered becoming a teacher. He didn't really have an interest in teaching but thought it would give him a decent income and lots of time off during which he could pursue his other interests. At the time, he was not too sure of what he wanted to do, but he had already decided that it would not be in some traditional type of career.
When he was accepted into the education program at college, Ted found that he really enjoyed writing letters to his college paper. As a strong-willed person, he had definite opinions and no qualms about expressing those opinions. The more controversial the topic, the more Ted enjoyed writing about it. Although Ted enjoyed his college years, he already realized through his student teaching experience that this would not be the career for him. Despite this, he taught school for four years, counting the days until summer break and two months to do as he pleased. During those two months he traveled, keeping journals of his travels, envisioning travel writing one day in the future. At first, the reasons for Ted's unhappiness in teaching were not clear to him. He did enjoy teaching, liked the students, who seemed to enjoy his open, questioning style, and did not even mind marking papers. Although he was different from his colleagues in his approach to life, he was liked and respected. What he realized was that he needed to be independent in his work, to answer to no one but himself. He realized at this point that he did share one trait with his father, who had chosen to live in relative poverty as a farmer and be independent rather than to work for someone else.
When the time came to go back to teaching for the fifth year, Ted decided that he could take it no longer. Being conscientious with his money, he had managed to save enough to eke out a basic living for a year without working. He decided to take a year off, read, do some writing, and contemplate his future. As he was reading a popular book about stress, the thought occurred to him that it was quite boring and not that creative. Ted decided that he could write a better book on how to deal with stress. It took Ted six months to write his book. When he sent the idea off to publishers, he received rejection letters, one after another. Not a single publisher was willing to take a chance on an unknown author, even though some had written back that they found his ideas quite interesting. A friend from his college days, who had always wanted to write a book but did not seem to have any ability, came up with an idea. He would lend Ted the money if he wanted to self-publish. Ted promoted the book vigorously, getting himself on talk shows and doing interviews for newspapers. Sales of the book began to climb and within six months Ted's friend had his money back plus a nice little sum for his faith in Ted's abilities.
In the meantime, Ted continued to use every minute of his time to promote and plan his next book. With book sales in the respectable range for a first-time author, Ted again approached publishers with a proposal for another book. This time, after the usual string of rejection letters, he finally found a publisher who was interested. His first book was now becoming quite well known and Ted was receiving requests to do talks and presentations. Drawn by the fun and easy reading style of his book, associations and organizations began to ask him to do presentations to their staff. During the next couple of years, Ted was very busy writing and giving presentations. Drawing from the momentum created by his first book, Ted's next book had strong sales as well.
Ten years later, Ted continues to write and deliver presentations. He now has seven books published, five that have been published in various foreign countries as well as North America. His lectures have taken him across North America, and he has been to Europe several times. In slow periods, between lectures and finishing another book, Ted spends time in one of his favorite destinations such as Bali or Mexico. Many people whom he knows envy his lifestyle and success. While he acknowledges that he had a few lucky breaks along the way, he feels that success came about due to his belief in himself and relentlessly focusing on and working toward his goals. His next goal is to get a book on the New York Times best-seller list. According to Ted, some days his life seems like he is living out an episode of Fantasy Island. It's not perfect yet, and he expects it never will be. Self-actualization to Ted is a road, not a destination. To him, the essence of life is setting goals and striving to reach them. He philosophizes that if we reached all of our goals, life would lose its zest and energy, and would stop being worthwhile.
“What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.”
—MUSICIAN BOB DYLAN
“If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.”
—AUTHOR ANNA QUINDLEN
“The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.”
—NANCY ASTOR, FIRST WOMAN TO SIT AS AN MP IN THE BRITISH HOUSE OF COMMONS
“Success usually comes to those who are too busy to go looking for it.”
—HENRY DAVID THOREAU, AMERICAN AUTHOR, NATURALIST, AND PHILOSOPHER
Techniques for Increasing Self-Actualization
- Think of the things that are the most important in your life. They can be work, family, leisure, hobbies, or spirituality. You may have to dig deep to find these things. Be brutally honest with yourself: what do you really want? (not what someone else expects of you). Make a list of the three most important things.
- Create goals around the top three most important things in your life. Do you want to reach a certain level in your career? Do you want a closer relationship with your spouse and children? Do you want to travel the world? Set measurable, specific goals around those three areas. Set goals for a month, six months, one year, and five years. Set aside a specific time for reviewing those goals. I review my goals every spring and fall during a trip to the mountains that I plan for that specific purpose.
- Mark into your day-timer, or however you keep track of your daily activities, five minutes to do nothing but think about your goals.
- Listen to motivational tapes at every opportunity, driving to work or during your spare time.
- Ask someone close to you to remind you periodically of your goals and give you feedback on how much progress you are making.
- Never share your goals with anyone who is not supportive, or even whom you expect may not be supportive. Share your most powerful, far-reaching goals only with an intimate circle of people whom you are close to and will be totally supportive.