CHAPTER 19
Optimism
“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”
—VACLAV HAVEL, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE CZECH REPUBLIC
Optimism is the ability to see hope and stay positive in all situations and times, regardless of how bleak the present may be. When things are going well, it is quite easy to be upbeat and in good spirits. Success, however, demands that we be able to see hope and possibilities even after major setbacks. One of the common denominators of all successful people is their ability to bounce back after failures. You have likely heard stories of well-known successful people and their struggle to overcome adversity. Every motivational speaker has stories about these people.
“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
—FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE, NINETEENTH-CENTURY GERMAN PHILOSOPHER
Failure is an essential step on the road to success. I read an article on young self-made millionaires, all under forty, who had created successful business ventures. It was found that, on the average, they had failed in about seventeen or eighteen enterprises before finding the one that made them so successful. This sounds a lot like my former dating practices. Obviously, the self-made millionaires had to have a great deal of optimism.
It is infinitely easier to be optimistic when things are going well. But what about being able to maintain a sense of optimism despite going through the worst of tragedies? Robin Sharma tells us that if we avoid pain we may be avoiding the potential for personal growth that often comes with difficulties in life. It is during these trying times that we often find we find lessons that help us stretch ourselves to another level.1 Our most difficult struggles force us to push back our comfort zones and find resources and strengths that we never knew were there. Many great books and much wonderful music have been written when the authors and composers have been going through very difficult times in their lives. Although we may not be able to see it at the time, there is an inner gift that we are meant to discover when we are struggling. I found that gift when I was unemployed a number of years ago. Frustrated and feeling very vulnerable I put all of my energy into writing, something I had always felt a desire to do but had not seriously pursued. Up to that point, I had not found anything that I felt strongly enough about that I felt it needed to be said. My struggles with unemployment provided me with the impetus that I needed to seriously get going with my writing and it changed my entire life. I managed to complete the book and find a publisher. This brought me a tremendous amount of satisfaction and for the first time I began to see my true potential. A painful experience forced me to discover and develop my courage, perseverance, imagination, and initiative.
How Optimism Works
A great deal of research has been done on optimism. Although most of us would not be surprised to discover that optimistic people tend to be more successful, we might not realize that they also tend to live longer and have healthier lives.
In his book Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman presents a great deal of research on the differences between optimists and pessimists. What makes some people keep going after repeated setbacks, while others give up after the first sign of difficulty? It is quite natural for people to get down emotionally when they have major setbacks. Optimists, however, do not stay down. They quickly look at the situation and consider ways they can change the outcome next time.
What We Say to Ourselves
According to Seligman, how people explain events and situations to themselves determines whether or not they are optimistic. People who look on the bright side of things see setbacks as temporary instead of permanent. While they don't shirk their responsibility for things not working out, they tend to look at the broader picture and see a multitude of reasons why things went the way they did. To them, a bad situation or mistake does not mean that they are a defective, worthless person who will never get anywhere in life. If they do see that it was a shortcoming of theirs that led to the negative event or situation, they look for ways they can change their behaviors or actions in the future.
Flexibility
Being flexible is a very important part of being an optimist. The more adaptable and comfortable with change we are, the more control we feel we have over our environment. The flexible person knows that there are many ways to see a situation and solve a problem. Knowing this helps the optimist look at the future in a positive way. Flexibility allows them to have more control over their environment and shape the future in a way that serves them in the best possible manner. Inflexible people see few options and tend to see themselves as victims of circumstance and their environment. While viewing negative events and situations as temporary, optimists see their ability to learn, change, grow, and adapt as permanent and part of who they are.
Keeping It Real
Being optimistic also means having a solid grounding in reality. Trying something that has little chance of success and carries a great likelihood of negative consequences is not being optimistic; it is foolhardy. An example is someone who does no retirement planning because he believes that he is going to win the lottery. This would be very foolish, not only because the chances of winning the lottery are minuscule but also because the belief would prevent the person from taking concrete actions necessary to ensure a successful retirement.
Basking in Successes
Pessimists, on the other hand, see positive events as being a matter of luck or the result of outside influences over which they have no control. Seldom do they see the value of their own contributions. Although an optimist does not take more than her share of the responsibility for a failure, she will take her credit when things go well. This does not mean that optimists are braggarts or know-it-alls, going around telling everyone what to do and how to live their lives. They are simply people who have enough self-regard to give themselves a pat on the back when they have accomplished something worthwhile. Their self-confidence can to others sometimes appear as cockiness. How can we tell if a person is really high in self-regard or simply a blowhard trying to make himself or herself look good to others? Truly self-confident people do not have the need to put down others. They are not threatened by the achievements of others and will support them in their quest to reach their goals.
Looking for Goodness
Bestselling author Bob Nelson, in 1001 Ways to Take Initiative at Work, has this to say about the value of optimism in the workplace. “Don't automatically assume anything negative about anybody. Instead, look for the good in everyone you meet and in everything you do. You'll be amazed at how much better your coworkers will feel about themselves when you are there to lift their spirits.”2
There are times when it is difficult, even for the most optimistic, to see the positive in a situation. In that case, the optimists will put their energy and efforts into moving on. They will take their lumps and go on to fight another day. Optimists are the ultimate survivors.
Optimism and Success
For Robin Sharma, optimism is a crucial and essential part for all of us to be able to reach our potential. He sees the importance of optimism as often being undervalued, but argues that if we can become more optimistic it will go a long way towards overcoming our obstacles and becoming the best we can be.3
Goal setting is by its nature an exercise in optimism. If we did not believe that we could achieve our goals, there would be no point in setting them in the first place. Those who achieve a great deal are by nature more optimistic than those who set their goals low. High achievers set their goals high in accordance with their level of optimism. The ideals that we strive for can only be reached through setting our sights on a goal, reaching that goal, and then setting the marker higher. Just like the high jumper in gymnastics, we set our level higher every time that we reach our goals. Only through continuously testing ourselves and believing in our ability are we able to fully discover and reach the highest level that we are capable of.
“Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A word of optimism and hope. A ‘you can do it’ when things are tough.”
—AMERICAN ENTREPRENEUR RICHARD M. DEVOS
Jim's Story
Jim is definitely a survivor. His story is much more than just one of survival, however; it is about coming back from adversity to renewal, faith, and hope. Jim's father was an alcoholic. From an early age he remembered being afraid of his father, especially when he was drunk and angry. Although his father was never physically abusive to Jim or any of his five brothers and sisters, the memories of fear still remain with him fifty years later. Because of the large number of children in the family, his parents had difficulty coping. It was decided that Jim, at the age of five, would go to live with his grandparents. He was torn away from his siblings and parents and remembers the feelings of loneliness and isolation. Having been the one chosen to leave the home, he felt rejected and defective. Although his grandparents treated him well, Jim missed his family and felt that he was being punished for something, even though he was never sure for what.
If there was an upside to Jim's living with his grandparents, it was that he learned to be independent. They also gave him responsibilities and a great deal more leeway in carrying out his duties than was allowed his siblings living at home. His grandparents maintained his family's tradition of attending church regularly. The thing that Jim remembers most about his grandfather was that he always looked at the bright side of life. Whenever Jim had a problem or was complaining about something, his grandfather always sat with him and talked to him as an adult. He explained that things would always get better if we believed that they would. Here was a man who had gone through some very difficult times in his life—war and economic depression—and still remained happy, cheerful, and believed that good times lay ahead. It was in church that Jim was able to find friends, a purpose, and solace from his everyday life. In his late teens, he met a girl at a camp sponsored by his church; by the time he was twenty, they were married.
Following the tradition of his working-class family, Jim went on to learn a trade and became an electrician. Although he was good at the work, he found that he had a longing to work for himself, to be independent. Within three years of becoming a full-fledged tradesman, Jim and a partner started their own small company. Because both were hardworking, ambitious, and got along well, their company flourished, providing them with an income that was double what they had previously earned while working for someone else.
By now Jim and his wife, Lynn, had three young children. Jim's company, while providing a good income for his family, was taking up an increasing amount of his time. There were always pressures and responsibilities. As well, Jim was beginning to drink more heavily. He had always enjoyed a drink, and as a teenager had a reputation among his friends for being able to handle his alcohol. While they were still dating early on, Lynn had expressed many times that she was worried about the amount he drank. He paid little attention, thinking that was what all boys his age did. Besides that, he really enjoyed drinking. The problems in his family worsened as Jim's drinking increased.
To cope, Jim spent more time at work, avoiding his family. His wife, whom he later realized he had never really been close to, distanced herself from him and put all of her focus on their children. He later came to the realization that he had suffered as much from loneliness in the relationship with Lynn as he had when he was growing up with his grandparents. What finally brought Jim to the recognition that he was an alcoholic who needed help was seeing that his children were afraid of him, just as he had been of his father. The awareness that he had become just like his father came as a major shock. It was one of those defining moments in life when the realization hits that we have to take drastic action to change direction, because we don't like what awaits us at the end of the road.
Jim joined Alcoholics Anonymous and dealt with his drinking in the same determined manner that he took on projects for his company. He thought that all of the responsibility for his marriage not working out was due to his drinking, and as soon as he stopped things would automatically get better. His faith remained a constant, always there for him when he needed it. It was, in fact, one of the few constants there was in his life.
Business kept expanding, and Jim and his partner had six fulltime employees working for them. Before the age of forty, Jim was a millionaire, a self-made man. He was remaining sober, and had hopes that he could still save his crumbling marriage and develop a close relationship with his children.
One day during this period, Jim got a call from his accountant. A check made out to a supplier had bounced, causing the accountant to investigate. Jim's partner of fourteen years had embezzled all of the money out of their joint operating account. When Jim called him at home, he discovered that the phone had been disconnected. If there was a time that Jim desperately wanted to drink, this was it. He didn't, however. Whenever he found that he was feeling sorry for himself, he thought of his grandfather who had faced situations that he imagined as much worse than he was facing and remained positive.
Without any money to pay the bills, the company was soon forced into receivership and Jim declared bankruptcy. He remembers how badly he wanted to go back to drinking during those times. He felt betrayed, angry, and yes, at times, even stupid and gullible. What made it somewhat easier for Jim to accept was that there were a lot of people who had been taken in and swindled by his partner. These people, he told himself, could not all be stupid and incompetent. Although he realized he should have seen signs of his partner's shady character, this was after the fact. He still had the skills to run his own company.
This was a major setback, but not a permanent one. Although he had to go back to working for someone else for a couple of years, he continued to look for opportunities to once again start his own business. In a few years, Jim was once again in charge of his own company and, helped by an upturn in the economy, doing very well financially.
Although he was successful in bringing back his business, his marriage was another matter. Things had deteriorated to the point of no return. Jim and Lynn both agreed that it would be better if they divorced. The children were grown up and had left home by that time. Jim recalls that leaving the relationship was the hardest decision he ever had to make in his life. The pain of staying in the relationship was, however, greater than facing all the fears and guilt about leaving.
Drawing on support from his AA group and spiritual beliefs, he went ahead with the divorce. Later, he would realize that he had been lonely for the twenty-one years he had been married. The first and most difficult step in finding the relationship that he wanted involved leaving his marriage. Jim continued to date casually and, through his involvement with an international men's group, met Lisa. As it turned out, Lisa was herself involved in a women's self-development group. Their relationship is still going strong. Both Jim and Lisa strongly believe in facing issues and working through them together. Individually, they are each on a personal journey of growth.
While on his personal quest, Jim spends as much time as possible with his grandchildren and is working hard at maintaining a healthy relationship with his children. Through his efforts, a number of family members, as well as numerous friends and acquaintances, have become involved in his men's organization. Feeling that he has received many gifts in his life, Jim spends countless hours and a great deal of his own money to help others reach their potential. He was recently honored by his community for unselfishly contributing to his community. While up on the podium receiving his award, struggling to hold back emotions, he spoke of his grandfather and the great gift that he had given Jim. Now in his mid-fifties, Jim feels that the most rewarding and challenging parts of his life are still ahead.
“There is only one optimist. He has been here since man has been on this earth, and that is ‘man’ himself. If we hadn't had such a magnificent optimism to carry us through all these things, we wouldn't be here. We have survived; it is our optimism.”
—PHOTOGRAPHER EDWARD STEICHEN
Techniques for Increasing Optimism
- When difficult situations arise, do what you can to stop them from getting worse immediately. This will give you a sense of control and momentarily keep you from focusing on the negative.
- Think of situations that were worse than this that you have overcome in the past.
- When in a bad situation, think in terms of how it will appear in a month, a year, or ten years from now. How important will it be when you look back on it?
- When stuck focusing upon the negative, find a technique that will help bring you out of it. I have a small, flat, smooth rock that has a great deal of significance to me. I carry it with me and rub it whenever I find myself stuck in fears and negativity. Inevitably, it centers me and allows me to get past the present situation. Find something that has meaning for you.
- Challenge any negative thoughts that you find yourself constantly being drawn into. For example, if you find yourself feeling that nothing ever works out for you, think of all the things that have gone right. Keep a list on a small card in your pocket that you can refer to if the thoughts or feelings are reoccurring.
- Make a habit of celebrating your accomplishments, even small ones. You don't have to celebrate all accomplishments in a big way; just do something that acknowledges the achievement. For example, the other day I was able to help a colleague successfully navigate through a difficult process to register for a course online. I celebrated by treating myself to a huge latte…with extra whipped cream on top.
Notes
1. Robin Sharma, Greatness Guide Book 2 (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), p. 110.
2. Bob Nelson, 1001 Ways to Take Initiative at Work (New York: Workman Publishing, 1999), p. 37.
3. Robin Sharma, Greatness Guide Book 2 (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), p. 82.