CHAPTER 7
Self-Regard
“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.”
—BRITISH AUTHOR SAMUEL JOHNSON
“The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others.”
—HASIDIC SAYING
Self-regard is all about the way we see ourselves. It is an accurate assessment of the way we are, taking into account our strengths as well as recognizing our weaknesses. When most people hear the term self-regard, they think that it is synonymous with self-esteem. However, the originators of the BarOn EQ-i test have gone to great lengths to differentiate between the two. Self-esteem has been a buzzword for decades, and a lack of it was seen as the underlying problem for every person who had any form of dysfunction. The answer, therefore, was to boost people's self-esteem by telling them they were wonderful and deserving of respect for simply being who they were. It was thought that if we could raise people's self-esteem, they would be able to function more effectively.
This did not prove to be the case, however. It was often discovered after the fact that when we artificially increased someone's feeling of self-worth, we ended up with a dysfunctional person who felt good about the way he or she was. Not only did these people feel good, but they also saw little need to change, since they were fine just the way they were. This is clearly not the outcome that the social scientists who had worked on the concept of self-esteem had envisioned. The critical part that was missing was the requirement to achieve, to do something worthwhile in order to earn the right to feel good about oneself.
I mentioned earlier that we have an infinite capacity to delude ourselves, but that our feelings will always give us away. This seems to be the case with falsely inflating our self-worth. Deep down our feelings will not change, making our overblown image superficial at best. When I look back on my life, I see evidence that this is true. In high school I focused on my classes, seeing them as a first step to further education and to get to a place I wanted to be in my life. My marks were quite good, and in several courses I achieved top marks in the class. The principal made a statement, which I have never forgotten. He said, “Harvey, you have a good head on your shoulders, just don't let it go to your head.” Accomplishments are something that you have to do for yourself and, as such, can never be taken away. They require dedication, courage, and hard work. They are an authentic source of self-regard. Our accomplishments need not be major, earth-shattering ones to give us a positive mental charge. Successfully completing any task that we see as difficult, or are not certain we can do, will give us a feeling of self-worth.
Certainly, getting my first book published gave me a powerful boost of positive energy. On a daily basis, I get all kinds of small boosts through doing everyday types of tasks well. For example, it makes me feel worthwhile every time I write a well-crafted letter or learn some useful new function on my computer. Whenever I do something for someone that they do not expect and receive sincere gratitude, I experience a positive feeling. Having the courage to try something can be gratifying even if it doesn't turn out the way we want. We will still come away with the satisfaction of knowing that we pushed ourselves beyond our comfort zone. I remember the feeling when actively dating of trying to work up the courage to call and ask someone out. The amount of courage required was directly proportional to how badly I wanted to go out with her, and how I estimated my chances of success. I would wait until the last minute to call for a date on the weekend, usually Wednesday night. Whenever I was turned down I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I was disappointed that I didn't get a date. But I was also relieved that I had had the courage to call. The consequence of not being able to muster up enough courage to make the call was to never know what might have been. Making the call at least provided me with a sense of closure.
The only true failure in life is not having the courage to try. Whenever we stretch our comfort zone and risk ourselves in order to get something we want, our self-regard base increases. Look at it as a bank account. Instead of increasing our supply of money, we are increasing our supply of self-worth. The more we accumulate, the more opportunities we have to expand our lives. People who have healthy accounts of self-worth are always looking for growth opportunities. The larger our bank account becomes, the larger the opportunities after which we can go.
How do we know if people truly have a healthy amount of self-regard or are just faking it? We likely know people who have been quite successful, according to society's standards, even though they really don't feel good inside. There are many people who have succeeded because they have been clever enough to manipulate others and play the game well. However, people with high levels of real self-regard are supportive of others' goals and do not feel the need to put anyone down. They are supportive of the dreams and goals of other people and are not threatened by them. Forging ahead on their own path of personal discovery and growth, they welcome fellow travelers.
Southwest Airlines formed the CoHearts mentoring program to help new hires feel welcome. Employees volunteered to adopt and mentor newcomers and would be in constant touch with the newbies, buying them little gifts, taking them for lunch, and bestowing support upon them. As a result of this program, many close and supportive relationships were formed. Orientation day is a big deal, a cause for celebration. Typically, new employees are welcomed with a carnival-type atmosphere of balloons, confetti, music, and dancing. Lead by the chairman Herb Kelleher himself, groups of employees have been known to describe their jobs to the new hires while singing and dancing. At the end of the celebrations, balloons are often taken down to the airport waiting areas and given to children, creating a visual message of a company that really cares not only for its own people but for its customers.
“Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.”
—SENECA, ROMAN ORATOR AND WRITER
Monica's Story
Monica was raised in a strict family. Her father was very traditional, old-school, and believed that women did not need to have much education, as their role was to raise children and look after the house. Her mother was subservient to the father and did not support her daughter's dreams. The mother also believed that women were to serve their husbands and stay home to raise their children. Monica's two older brothers were encouraged to further their education. One went on to become an engineer and the other a pharmacist. Tall for a female at five feet nine inches and slender, Monica did not date much throughout high school. Although she was quite attractive, she tried to hide her attributes by dressing conservatively and wearing little makeup. Her marks were high enough that she could have been an honors student, but she deliberately got her lowest marks in religious studies. At the time she said she wasn't really conscious of why, but later came to realize that it was a way of rebelling against her parents, especially her father. Monica also excelled in sports, and became the star of her school's basketball team.
Despite her obvious talents, Monica did not feel good about herself. Lacking support from her parents, she didn't have any plans for the future. She did have one strong ally, however, her aunt Jennifer on her mother's side. Jennifer was a successful businesswoman who served as president of the local Chamber of Commerce. She had traveled all over the world on business and Monica looked up to her. Deep down, she sometimes wished that Jennifer were her mother. Her father did not approve of Jennifer, frequently criticizing her for her two failed marriages and insinuating she was a loose woman. Her mother did not defend her sister in front of her husband, but Monica detected in conversations with her that she was somewhat envious of Jennifer. Monica thought her father was also jealous of Jennifer, who was more successful financially than he was, better educated, and seemed to enjoy life a great deal more. Although her father objected, Monica began to spend more time with her favorite aunt. Jennifer was very supportive of her niece. Monica learned how to apply makeup and dress in ways that accentuated her natural beauty. With Jennifer's encouragement and financial support, she enrolled in dance classes. A naturally talented athlete, Monica found the dancing moves came to her fairly easily, and she started to thoroughly enjoy her new interest. It helped to increase her social interaction skills and her self-confidence.
Monica's aunt always reminded her that there would be people in her life who, out of petty jealousy and to make up for their own failures, would try to drag her down to their own level. She told Monica to avoid those people like the plague, but to get closer to people who appreciated her for who she was, and supported her. Monica took that advice to heart. When difficulties arose due to her situation at home, she would speak to her basketball coach and English teacher, both of whom were supportive and assured her that she had the ability to be anything that she wanted.
When she completed high school, Monica took a year off to work to save up some money and travel to Europe with a friend. Her father, as usual, was critical and unsupportive, going into a tirade about it being a waste of time and money. Her aunt however, liked the idea and encouraged Monica, telling her how much travel had increased her own sense of independence and knowledge, and broadened her outlook on life.
Coming from a sheltered background, Monica found her three months of traveling to be, as she describes it, “an awakening.” She considers it one of the best things she did for herself, as it expanded her world and her self-confidence.
After her year was up, she decided that she wanted to become a teacher, specializing in physical education. She had her choice of a number of colleges and had no problem being accepted. The one she chose was several states from her home. At the beginning it was a struggle as she was away from home and missed her friends. However, she soon was busy with extracurricular activities as she tried out and was accepted on the college basketball team. It hurt whenever she heard her new classmates and friends talk about the support they were getting from their parents. She listened while they talked about going home to visit, or their parents coming up to see them. To Monica, these conversations were long and painful and she always felt a sense of relief when they moved to another topic. Monica's parents did not come to visit her and she seldom went home, except for holidays such as Thanksgiving, Easter, and Christmas.
Feeling like an outcast, she went to see a counselor at the college. The counselor allowed her to express her feelings and asked her to try to look at her situation in terms of a gift in which she turned her struggles into strengths. The fact that she was succeeding in life despite the obstacles in her way showed how strong, determined, and independent she was. She could be a role model to others in situations similar to hers, and would be sensitive to the kids she would teach who were going through what she had. Her struggles were character builders, giving her determination and endurance to carry on when things got tough. They would provide her with a solid foundation for building the rest of her life.
“I was thought to be ‘stuck up,’ I wasn't. I was just sure of myself. This is and always has been an unforgivable quality to the unsure.”
—FILM STAR BETTE DAVIS
Techniques for Increasing Self-Regard
- Run—don't walk—away from people who put you down or diminish you in any way. Focus on spending time with people you know will be supportive. Do not delude yourself into thinking that you can bring negative people up. It won't happen; they will drag you down.
- Make setting goals a part of your life. Write them down and stick to them. Set goals for six months, one year, and five years. Make them achievable but hard enough that you will have to struggle to reach them. Become highly disciplined about this. I cannot overemphasize the importance of setting goals. If you need further motivation, ideas, and inspiration listen to motivational tapes by people like Anthony Robbins. They all talk about the importance of goal setting.
- Keep a book of accomplishments. Every week, pick one night and before you go to bed write down in that book everything you have accomplished that week. Don't forget personal things like bringing a smile to someone's face or making someone laugh. Think of things that made you feel good. If you have difficulty remembering an entire week, make a short list each night.
- Ask people you trust and respect, and who know you well, to tell you what they see as your strengths. Sometimes others are able to see attributes we have that we are not able to recognize.
- Celebrate all of your accomplishments—small ones in a small way and big ones in a big way.
- Make it a habit to acknowledge other people's accomplishments and support them in the pursuit of their goals.