CHAPTER 11
Healthy Relationships
“Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose thy neighborhood.”
—AUTHOR LOUISE BEAL
Even though we may think that winning millions of dollars in the lottery will make us happy, facts and research tell us quite a different story. All of the research that has been done tells us that money and material possessions, after a certain point, have little to do with the amount of happiness we experience in our lives. The kinds of relationships we are able to form with others, conversely, have been shown to have a strong impact on how happy we are. With all the evidence that suggests our emotional well-being revolves around the quality of relations we form with others, you would think that this would be a major focus in people's lives.
Unfortunately, many people continue to spend a major amount of time and energy accumulating material wealth, while giving relationship building the short shrift. They continue to wonder why they don't feel happy and fulfilled, even though they have been successful at gathering possessions they thought would bring them satisfaction and contentment. Someone told me the other day that it seems many people spend more time and effort in choosing a house, vehicle, or other major purchase than they do in selecting someone with whom they plan, at least at the time, to spend the rest of their lives.
Our relationships with others are capable of bringing out the extremes of our emotions, from the heights of ecstasy to the depths of despair. Although the work involved in finding, creating, and growing healthy relationships is immense, the rewards by far make the effort worthwhile. There are few truly happy hermits. Most of us crave intimate relationships with other people. Intimate in this case does not mean sexual. It means having the type of relationship with someone that involves trust, someone with whom we can be ourselves and openly share our dreams, hopes, fears, joys, and sorrows. It has been said that if you have one true friend in this life, you should consider yourself fortunate. According to Stephen Covey, we need to build trust in our relationships using an “emotional bank account.” Every time we do something to strengthen our ties with someone, we deposit into that account. There are many ways to do this. Listening to the person, being there when she needs us, keeping secrets she tells us in confidence, and being supportive of her dreams and aspirations are all ways that we build up that account. Others include remembering things about the person, keeping commitments, respecting his judgments and opinions even if we do not agree with them, and showing a genuine interest in his life.
When our account is healthy, when we have built up a high level of trust, our relationship frees itself from the common bounds of casual interaction with others. Since our trust has been built up, we become honest and authentic in ways that might not be tolerated in less well-developed relationships. There will be a sense of security, knowing that the fabric of the relationship is strong and able to withstand disagreements, even heated ones. It is much easier to ask for forgiveness from a friend after a quarrel if you have established a track record with the person. Establishing mutually rewarding relationships requires courage, commitment, self-discipline, and empathy. The more important the relationship, the more time should be spent building up your emotional bank account.
One thing that really irritates me is when someone I consider a friend gets involved in a romantic situation and totally forgets the friends who were there before this relationship began. Then, when the relationship cools as quickly as it heated up, that person is calling you, wanting to spend time with you again. People who do this are dependent individuals, insecure in their own worth. In their desperation, they give themselves completely over to someone who has little or no emotional bank account with them and forget those who have built up their account. Quickly draining their account with these people, they are surprised to find that their actions are resented, and their account is in a negative balance when they attempt to reestablish their relationships.
When you begin a relationship, respect those who have positive balances in their accounts with you. Your friends, family, and even your dog have a proven track record that puts them before the new interest in your life. Give these people their due, and they will be there for you. Yes, building a relationship will take away from friends and other interests, but true friends will accept that and be happy for you. As the relationship moves on and the person's account grows, you will want to spend more time together. This will necessitate a shift in priorities and giving more time and effort to building the primary relationship. However, part of a strong primary relationship is respect, including respecting the right of your partner to maintain, to some degree, the friendships that have nourished them in the past.
Romance Is Not a Cure-All
In many cases, we can't resist the temptation of a romantic relationship as a solution to our feelings of emptiness. Even though deep down we often know better, we opt for the quick fix, the easy solution, and the one that offers some immediate gratification. There is allure, excitement, and hope (which we later realize is false) attached to the situation. The pain comes afterward. The temptation of having others fill our needs is much more alluring than the idea of doing our own inner work. Working on ourselves seems to be tiresome, hard work by comparison. We sometimes do not see immediate results and the process is a long and arduous one. Unfortunately, we usually have to reach a place where we can no longer tolerate the pain of failed relationships before we are ready to begin our journey toward building a better self.
Begin with Yourself
The starting point for developing all relationships is the relationship we have with ourselves. It is, so to speak, the mother of all relationships. Unless we have done the work necessary to make our inner landscape a good place to be, we have no chance of developing an outer world that is healthy. All the emotional work that we need to do will not be effective if we are unable to properly manage our own emotions. Before we can become interdependent, we must first become independent. Some people go looking for others to fill the space within themselves that is missing. This simply doesn't work. In relationships, two halves do not make a whole. Only two whole, well-functioning people can create a healthy relationship. Sure, it may go well through some sunny times, but when difficulties arise, as they will in any relationship, things will not work out.
Healthy Relationships at Work
Building solid relationships with others is as important for success in the workplace as it is in our personal lives. In the last few years, the corporate world has shown an increased interest in, and respect for, the so-called soft skills, or people skills. Studies have consistently shown that the ability to get along with people is the most important aspect of how successful we will be at work, even more so than technical skills. Most jobs require teamwork and the need to work together at some level. There are few jobs that are so narrow and technical that people skills are not necessary to be successful in them. Even in occupations that we consider to be highly technical in nature, such as engineering, employees who get promoted are usually those who demonstrate an ability to work well with others.
In the last several years, workplace leadership programs have increasingly been using emotional intelligence theories and training to develop and improve people skills in their present and future leaders. As one consultant put it so elegantly, “There is no shortage of managers, but there is a crucial shortage of leaders.” Although good interpersonal skills are essential for employees at all levels of an organization, they are crucial for good leaders.
Positive Leadership
In his book Working with Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman looks at a study conducted by the U.S. Navy on the styles of the commanding officers.
The superior leaders managed to balance a people-oriented personal style with a decisive command role. They did not hesitate to take charge, to be purposeful, assertive, and businesslike. But the greatest difference between average and superior leaders was in their emotional style. The most effective leaders were more positive and outgoing, more emotionally expressive and dramatic, warmer and more sociable (including smiling more), friendlier and more democratic, more cooperative, more likeable and “fun to be with,” more appreciative and trustful, and even gentler than those who were merely average.1
When employee satisfaction levels within organizations have been studied, dissatisfaction with leadership has come out as the most common reason for leaving the workplace. Leaders have a tremendous ability to impact the staff under them in both positive and negative ways. Effective leaders are able to use their people skills to encourage, motivate, and get the most from their employees, while ineffective ones can cause morale and productivity to plummet. Realizing that this affects the bottom line, organizations are putting more emphasis on developing effective people skills at all levels of leadership.
Customer Service
Southwest Airlines has a long history of developing strong emotional connections among their staff, the organization, and their customers. Stories abound about staff going far above and beyond to help out customers. In one case, an employee took a stranded female customer to his sister's place to spend the night. There was another example of an elderly man, recently released from the hospital, who had been dropped off by his sister-in-law to catch a flight to see his family on Christmas Eve. Since that flight was canceled, staff got him a hotel room and transportation at the company's expense. By ensuring that he caught the first available flight the next day, they showed the true spirit of Christmas. It is this kind of customer service that has earned Southwest Airlines a loyal customer following.
Robin Sharma, in Greatness Guide Book 2 speaks about making emotional connections to customers. While many businesspeople think that they are fighting for a share of what their client spends, Sharma feels that what they are actually going after is a share of the client's emotional goodwill. Using examples from things he feels attached to, such as Colombian coffee and his well-used Levi jeans, he makes a compelling case that customers buy because they make an emotional connection to a product or organization. He argues that if companies can form this type of connection with customers, they will not be affected by competitors who offer better deals. Such companies, he claims will not only survive but thrive under all conditions.2
“Make yourself necessary to somebody. Do not make life hard to any.”
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON, AMERICAN ESSAYIST, PHILOSOPHER, AND POET
Eric's Story
Eric and Brad were sitting in a local coffee shop playing chess one weekend afternoon. Both were in their early forties and had gone to school together. Academically both had excelled, coming out in the top 10 percent of their class. To someone without further background information, these were two old school buddies spending some time together. This picture would be totally inaccurate.
About the only thing that Brad is willing to do with Eric is play chess, and this he does only out of a sense of duty. Brad is not Eric's friend; in fact, Eric has no friends—only acquaintances who will tolerate him long enough to play a game of chess. The differences between Eric and Brad are like night and day, even though they both graduated from the same school with basically the same grades and potential. Eric has been living on government support programs and a small inheritance for the majority of his adult life. After leaving school he did find a few jobs, one that even lasted for several years. However, they were not jobs that required him to use his mental abilities.
The problem is that Eric has absolutely no people skills. He is narcissistic and believes that he is smarter than everyone else. Not one to keep his opinions to himself, he constantly tells others how they should live their lives. Even though he was technically competent in the jobs he had, he always felt that he was smarter than his supervisors and did not hesitate to tell them so. Obviously, this did not win him many friends among his superiors and coworkers, and he ended up getting fired from virtually every job that he had. While he was able to befriend people for a short period with his ability to impress them with his vast knowledge, they soon wanted nothing to do with him. When he saw them hanging around with other people, he made rude and sarcastic remarks to them, further alienating himself. Eric had virtually no interest in the lives of those around him and only talked about himself in conversation. Even when he attempted to give someone a compliment, he managed to turn it into an insulting remark. He would frequently say things like, “That's a nice shirt for a loser.” Needless to say, this did not earn him too many friends.
Several years ago, after many years of unemployment, Eric got some training and was ready to begin a new career. He managed to get a job in another city. People who knew him made bets on how long it would be before he would be back. The person who bet two weeks won. The outcome was quite predictable. It was only a few days before Eric started telling his new boss how he should run his business. His boss did not appreciate the advice and within two weeks fired him.
Eric has little insight into his situation and does not see that he has a problem. It's everyone else who is “screwed up.” Many who know Eric believe that he is suffering from a type of personality disorder. Although Eric's case is rather extreme, you likely know people similar to him.
Then Eric had an epiphany of a sort. He was at the funeral of a work colleague, Greg, from one of the first jobs that Eric had after he left school. While they were not friends in the typical sense, they had remained in touch and shared a common interest in complaining and putting others down. Eric was shocked to find so few people at Greg's funeral. In chatting briefly with another mourner, he found out that Greg was not well liked and had made few friends in his lifetime. How sad, thought Eric, when it suddenly occurred to him that he and Greg were similar in many ways. He had a vision of his own funeral, with few mourners, if he continued on with his life the way he was.
Initially, he became quite depressed and raged at all the people whom he saw as being too stupid to appreciate his insight and genius. He could not, however, keep his delusion up for too long before realizing that he needed to make some real changes in his life. Reluctantly, he came to the conclusion that he needed help. Like Ebenezer Scrooge's visions of Marley, visions of Greg's lonely funeral kept coming back to him. He became aware of a longing to have friends, like other people, to date once in a while, and even have a regular girlfriend.
One of the first things that Eric was able to change was to curb his impulsive tendencies to make cutting and sarcastic remarks to people whenever he disagreed with anything that they were saying. Over time, he noticed that while old acquaintances still remained aloof, it didn't seem that they were as anxious to get out of his presence. Giving compliments to others and being supportive is very difficult for Eric. It does not come naturally and he has had to make a concerted effort to look for nice things to say to people. At first, it was all he could do to avoid being nasty and negative. As he slowly breaks himself of this habit, he is finding it easier to focus on the positive.
One of the difficulties for Eric in finding employment was his tendency to be negative and sarcastic even during the interview. This virtually assured him that he would not be offered the job. At this point Eric has been employed for a full six months. Although this may not seem like a long time, for Eric it is a record and an indication that he has been able to curb his most self-destructive tendencies.
One day his boss came up to him and accused him of making a mistake. Since it was a coworker who was working during that time, and not Eric, the boss was making an obvious mistake. The old Eric would have blown up, called his boss derogatory names, and likely been fired. Instead, Eric, without any hostility or anger, calmly explained to his boss that he had not been working during that time. For Eric, this was a major step in his change process and he felt calm and confident for the rest of the week.
“Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.”
—CZECH PROVERB
Techniques for Increasing Healthy Relationships
- Pick a person at work, a club, or a social environment whom you would like to know better. Whenever you talk to this person, concentrate on remembering one or two things about the person's life that are important to him or her. Write them down shortly afterward if you have trouble remembering. When you see the person again, ask about these things.
- Remember important dates and events in the lives of people who matter to you, such as birthdays and anniversaries. Write them in a book you keep for that purpose. If you don't see them on those occasions, send a card or call them.
- Ask people questions about themselves. Don't worry about getting too personal (within reason, of course), as people love to talk about themselves.
- When talking to others, pay attention to the amount of time you talk and the amount of time you listen. If you find yourself talking more than 50 percent of the time, make a conscious effort to curtail speaking and spend more time listening.
- Do random acts of kindness. At the office, bring in treats unexpectedly and for no specific occasion. Give flowers to your partner, spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend when there is no special occasion. Mark this in your calendar at work or home so you remember to do it until it becomes second nature.
- When someone close to you is experiencing a difficult time, due to the loss of a loved one or for any reason, call and offer to help.
Notes
1. Daniel Goleman, Working with Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books, 1998), p. 188.
2. Robin Sharma, Greatness Guide Book 2 (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), p. 132.