CHAPTER 14
Reality Testing
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
—ALBERT EINSTEIN
How well we function in this world has a great deal to do with how accurately we view it. Although we all may think that we view things objectively, this is only an illusion. All of our perceptions and judgments are clouded by our past experiences and how we have chosen to view these experiences. Having said that, however, it is important that we make every effort to see the world as honestly as we can. If we are unable to see things as they really are, we may be missing opportunities that arise. Having realistic views of the world will also help us to avoid making poor decisions. Our decisions should, as much as possible, be made on evidence and fact, rather than on flights of fancy or wishful thinking.
Other Points of View
One of the best ways to stay close to reality is to consider information from as many sources as possible. For example, I always read columnists stating political viewpoints that are opposite from mine. Although I seldom agree with their ideas, it is important to consider the reasoning behind these views. At the same time, reading criticisms of views that I hold dear challenges me to constantly rethink the basis for my own beliefs and judgments. Having changed my political stance in the past when I could no longer justify it, I like to think that I would be capable of changing again, if I discovered that there were other political beliefs that made more sense. It is always easier to let others do our thinking for us, and many people have resigned themselves to living this way. There are always family members, friends, politicians, religious leaders, managers, or coworkers who will be more than happy to tell us how we should lead our lives. It is easier for us to let someone else tell us how to live, thereby avoiding the responsibility that comes along with making our own choices. The price we pay for this decision is to give up control of our lives to others.
The Urge to Escape from Reality
Humanity has devised an unlimited means for avoiding and escaping from reality. I was reading an article on retirement in a leading financial publication the other day that stated a surprisingly large number of people, when questioned about their retirement plans, responded that winning a lottery played a major role. This is truly frightening, as reality will eventually burst their bubble. Addictions, whether to drugs, alcohol, video games, television, or even shopping, are often attempts to escape a reality with which we are unable or unwilling to deal. Some addictions, such as fitness, can be seen as being a positive thing, when they increase our feelings of well-being and enjoyment from life. An obsession with fitness can become unhealthy, however, if it is used to escape the reality that our body is aging.
Although reality is no doubt unpleasant for many people, escaping from it is not the answer. There are times when reality is so horrible that for psychological reasons we have to escape it temporarily to preserve our sanity. When my mother was dying of cancer in the hospital, we were able, for the most part, to talk openly about it. There were times, however, that she did not want to face reality at that point and told me so. This is a healthy coping mechanism. It would have been quite a different situation if we had both gone along acting like nothing was wrong and talking about her going home in a short time. This would have cheated us both out of the opportunity to clear up any unfinished business and to say good-bye.
Styles of Dealing with Reality
There are two ways that people choose to deal with reality. In the first group are people who tend to see everything in the negative. They are the gloom-and-doom prophets, commonly known as pessimists. They have learned to see everything that they experience in the worst possible light. We all know people like this and probably avoid them like the plague. Motivational speakers tell us to run, don't walk, away from negative people, as they will bring us down. If a group of people has one negative person in it, that person can bring down the energy of the entire group. This is the group that will miss out on opportunities because they will simply not be able to see them, busy as they are focusing on the problems. Avoidance becomes their coping mechanism. They become rigid and inflexible, hoping that nothing changes since to them all change is bad.
On the other hand, there are people who tend to see everything in a positive light. These are the optimists. It is not that optimists do not see the downside of life; it's simply that they choose to focus on the positive. The group that it is dangerous to belong to is the group that chooses not to see the negative. Often referred to as Pollyannas, these people tend to sanitize and make good everything that they experience. Others tend to avoid individuals like this, not because they drain energy and bring them down, but because they can be so irritating in their denial. Unlike their opposites, the pessimists who dread change, this group is very upbeat about it, as they are toward everything else. Unable or unwilling to see real dangers, they often make bad decisions. These are the people, the walking victims, who are so often taken advantage of by the less scrupulous in our society.
The healthy road is not to ignore the dark side of human nature, but also not to live our lives focused on it. Whenever possible, it is healthier and more fulfilling to focus on the bright side.
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing it, doesn't go away.”
—AUTHOR PHILIP K. DICK
Jody's Story
Lisa and Jody met while attending a support group for abused women. The two women started to go for coffee after their group on Wednesday nights. Jody was still with John, her husband of twenty years. When they had decided to get married, instead of looking for love, happiness, and all the other good stuff we are told to expect that a life shared with another person should bring, Jody made her marriage decision based on avoiding loneliness and the fear of becoming an old maid.
The abuse started within six months of their wedding. John regularly called her stupid, and started to put her and her family down. On occasion, when he got overly agitated, he would push or punch her. They did very little together and seldom went out. Claiming he was away on business, John often stayed away for a week at a time, seldom calling his wife while away. One time she called him at the hotel where he told her he was staying while on a convention for work. The desk clerk told Jody that her husband was not a registered guest there and there was no convention going on for his company. When she confronted him, he told her that it was a different hotel, but he had forgotten the name. When she told the story to her friends, it was obvious to them that her husband was having an affair. Jody, however, continued to be in denial, making up excuses for John. At one point, all of Jody's friends and family could see that the relationship was dysfunctional and unhealthy and advised her to leave. Even though she had offers of support from a number of friends, even offering her a temporary place to stay if she left, she chose to ignore the reality that her friends and family clearly saw. Her fear of being on her own kept her in stuck in an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship.
During their relationship her life was on hold. She stayed in her dead-end job and maintained contact with a few of her friends from college days, but did nothing to expand her range of friends or interests. One of her friends noticed that she still wore some clothes that she had worn at college. The friend thought that Jody was depressed and asked her to go for counseling. Jody shrugged off the suggestion, saying that there wasn't much a counselor could do. When her friend, who was enjoying her single life for the time being, was telling Jody about how happy she was in her life, Jody, looking downcast, blurted out, “At least I'm married.” How sad, thought her friend, seeing it as an indicator of how hopeless and desperate Jody's life had become.
Although Lisa's husband never physically hit her, he had smashed dinner plates by throwing them against the kitchen wall. She had heard that violence against objects often leads to violence against people, and she was afraid that she would be the next target of his rage. Her brother, friends, and even her mother urged her to leave. After fourteen years of marriage, while her husband was out of town on business for a couple of days, she called in movers, packed up all her belongings, and left for good.
In two years' time, Lisa's life went from coping with the breakup to beginning to thrive. When she first joined the support group, she was hurting badly and needed their encouragement. Feeling much stronger and confident in herself now, she stayed in the group mainly to be supportive to newer members like Jody. Having received so much from the group in her time of great need, she felt the need to give something back.
When Lisa and Jody initially started getting together after their group, Lisa did a lot of listening and was very supportive. She empathized with Jody's situation as only someone who has also been there was able to. After several months, Lisa noticed that Jody had never mentioned any plans for leaving the relationship. When Jody had asked her husband to go for couple's counseling, he adamantly refused, telling her that their problems were all her fault and she was damn lucky that she had found someone like him, who would put up with her crap. He did not know that Jody was going to the group, because she lied and told him that her schedule had changed and she had to work late on Wednesdays. She was afraid that he would be furious if he found out.
It was obvious to Lisa, as well as to many of the other group members, that leaving was the only option. They were hoping Jody would come to the decision herself, and they would jump in and support her wholeheartedly. It became increasingly frustrating for them that this did not seem to be happening. Week after week it was the same complaints, but no plan of action as to what she was going to do about it.
Finally, over coffee one evening, Lisa asked Jody when she was planning to leave. Jody sidestepped the question, and for the rest of the night eased up on her complaints about how terrible things were living with John. Lisa continued to press Jody on her plans to get out of the nightmare that she was living. Several other members of the group were becoming tired of listening to Jody complain about her life with John week after week, but choosing not to do anything about it. A couple of them confronted her directly, telling her that they would be there for her if she left the jerk, but they did not wish to waste their time listening to her if all she wanted to do was continue to whine. At this point she began crying, which she usually did when she was told something she didn't want to hear.
Lisa, seeing Jody trapped in a bad relationship that was ruining her life, continued to bring up the topic of leaving John. At one point Jody became angry, accusing Lisa of being jealous of her because she was married and Lisa was not. Lisa was stunned, totally failing to understand how Jody could see anything positive in this marriage. She made up her mind that until Jody could face up to reality, all she was doing was enabling her to maintain a very dysfunctional and destructive relationship. At this point, she told Jody that when she made up her mind to get out of the relationship, she would be there for her. Until then, she did not wish to continue their friendship.
Since Jody had alienated her friends with her constant complaining at both work and in the group, she found herself without support to make any changes. She felt trapped in a rut and was completely unaware of how she had reached that point.
Techniques for Reality Testing
- Always look for as many sources of information and opinion as possible before developing a view on important matters.
- Seek out ideas and views that differ from yours. Ask yourself why these people believe that they are right. What evidence do they have?
- Check out as many people as possible to see if they see things as you do.
- Make a point of sounding out your ideas with people who think differently from you.
- Practice trying to see things from as many different perspectives as possible. One way is to have debates with your family and friends about various issues. Take the opposite side of an issue and defend it from that viewpoint.
- When you feel you have done a thorough job of investigating an issue or situation, make up your own mind.
- If you receive feedback from many different sources that the way you see things has flaws, be prepared to reconsider your beliefs.