CHAPTER 16
Stress Tolerance
“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.”
—COMEDIAN LILY TOMLIN
“Rule number one is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it's all small stuff.”
—DR. ROBERT S. ELIOT, CARDIOLOGIST
Stress results from the demands placed on us by our environment. Possible triggers of stress surround us and generally cannot be avoided. As the rate of change in our world increases constantly, there are more and more demands placed on us by our need to adapt to the world. On top of that we have to deal with ongoing pressures from our family, work, friends, and an infinite variety of other sources.
How We Experience Stress
It is sometimes easier to describe the symptoms of stress than to describe the thing itself. Some signals that we are stressed are knots in our stomach, clenched fists, and a pinched facial expression. Here is a list of the most common indicators of high stress levels:
- Forgetting things more often
- Putting off things you used to get to quickly
- Often feeling angry and agitated
- Loss of interest in friends, sex, job, and/or social activities
- Having trouble concentrating
- Restlessness; can't seem to relax; not sure what to do next
- Having a hard time falling asleep; waking in the middle of the night
- Don't feel like talking much
Stress affects all of us differently. While one person may be highly agitated sitting in busy traffic, the person in the vehicle next to him or her may be totally relaxed, sitting back and listening to some cool jazz on the radio. Why does one person get very upset in a situation that barely registers on the distress scale of another? What do the relaxed people know, do, or tell themselves that helps them to not get flustered in a tense situation? The ability to handle stress is not something we are born with, it is learned. We can all learn techniques to help us alleviate the negative effects of stress in our lives.
Positive Stress
Stress is not all bad. Psychologists tell us that some stress is a good thing and can act to motivate and cause us to take action. If we turn stress into an ally, it can help us by giving us the necessary boost of energy we need to meet and overcome challenges. Some individuals seem to thrive on stress, and seek out opportunities in their work and hobbies to push their limits. Air traffic controllers are a group that operates under stress constantly. Surgeons are another group who, under a great deal of pressure when they are working, function like professional athletes. Without any stress, our lives would be very boring. Everything we do that we feel passionate about causes us some stress. Our bodies are unable to distinguish between positive and negative stress. For example, a happy situation such as a wedding, anniversary, or major celebration causes stress for the persons directly involved. Even though this is seen as good stress, the body experiences it in the same manner as stress created by an unpleasant event. Whenever we prepare ourselves to do something that we are passionate about we feel stress. Every time I get in front of an audience to speak, even though I'm pumped and feel passionate about what I'm talking about, I feel some stress. If it ever gets to the point that I don't experience some level of anxiety while doing it, I will stop, I will know that the passion is gone and I'm only going through the motions. Stress gives us juice and the motivation to act in areas that we feel a great deal of passion about.
When Stress Becomes a Problem
The problem results when our stress levels exceed our coping and managing abilities. If stress levels become too high in our lives, the result can be burnout. We frequently hear the term burnout and associate it with certain helping professions such as nurses and social workers, who have to deal with people's problems every day. But it can occur in any profession and in any life situation as well.
Our physical reaction to stress is similar to that seen in the animal world. When animals sense a threat, their heart rate increases and all their senses become focused on the immediate situation. There are only two possible decisions they can make in response to the danger: fight or flight. Likewise, in humans, our initial reaction is fight or flight. Very quickly, however, our coping mechanisms come into play. It is the effectiveness of these coping mechanisms, which we can all master, that determines how effectively we deal with stress.
Stages in the Stress Cycle
There are a number of techniques that will work for reducing stress, and I will get into them at the end of this chapter. It is important, though, to realize that there are different stages in the stress cycle and the things that I will talk about will be most effective if used in the initial stage. Stages 2 and 3 will require more drastic personal changes.
Stage 1: In this stage we experience irritability, anxiousness, and anger. In this stage, we are quite aware of our emotions and can significantly decrease our levels of stress by looking after our needs. If we ignore the signals at this level, we can move to Stage 2.
Stage 2: In this stage we start to feel tired. Our attitude begins to become more negative and cynical. We start to experience periods of moodiness and depression and may have problems falling asleep. At this point, we may need to make more long-term lifestyle changes and take stress management seriously.
Stage 3: If stress is left unchecked and accumulates over a long period of time, it can lead to serious issues such as depression. At this stage, people make drastic changes in their lives such as giving up their job or their relationship(s) and changing their lives. Suicide becomes a risk. At this point, the person needs to seek professional help and get away from the situation, at least for a brief period of time.
Breaking the Stress Cycle
Like all conditions that affect us negatively, it is best to discover stress early and deal with it. When we become aware of stress early on, before it gets to the point that it immobilizes us, we have many options to help us decrease it. By learning coping techniques early on, it will keep the stress from increasing and will help us develop ways of alleviating stress in all situations that we come across. For me, the ways that reduce stress the best involve action such as doing aquasize at the local pool, or going for long walks with my dogs. This works better for me than using more sedentary techniques such as meditation. Find the system that works best for you.
If you become aware that you are more stressed than normal over a situation that is ongoing in your life, act on it immediately. Schedule a regular activity that works for you to reduce stress and start on it right away. You may find yourself continuing the activity even though you start to feel more relaxed. This is a good thing, as it will help alleviate stress buildup in the future. Prevention is the best way to deal with stress, so it is important to establish good stress-busting routines and stick to them.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but your estimate of it, and this you have the power to revoke any moment.”
—EMPEROR MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONIUS
Anita's Story
Anita thought the day would never end. She was run off of her feet, trying to cope with another of her staff members not showing up for work without giving her any notice. It didn't help that she was feeling very angry and disappointed. This seemed to further drain her energy, although anger was about the only thing that seemed to keep her going. As the owner of a small deli-style restaurant, she could only afford to pay her staff a bit above the minimum wage. This created constant problems with hiring qualified people and a high staff turnover. The types of people who were looking for this kind of work were often unmotivated and unreliable, had poor people skills, and required constant supervision. This caused Anita continuing grief and stress.
Anita was a hard worker, creative, and determined to make her business successful. She needed to make a go of the deli in order to support herself and her two children, both in their early teens and still at home with her. Daunted by the task of running the business and looking after the children on her own, she put almost all of her energy into work and home. After putting in a long day at work, she rushed home to prepare a meal for her children and look after the house. In her fear and guilt, she had given up doing the things that had helped her deal with stress in the past.
On the evening that one of her promising employees let her down by not showing up, Anita went home tired and haggard. Needing someone to talk to other than her children, she called a friend she had not seen for a long time. Her friend listened to her tales of woe and, claiming that she had nothing to do for the next couple of days, offered to help her out at the deli. Surprised at the offer, Anita was nevertheless quite proud and would have turned the generous offer down, but she was desperate and at the end of her rope.
Over the next couple of days, Anita and Ursula did a lot of talking. Ursula told her that she had already made a significant step toward dealing with her stress by reaching out for help.
The support and knowledge she gained during her conversations with Ursula were enough to give her the boost she needed to commit to a plan to deal with her stress and stave off emotional collapse. Realizing that her children needed to start helping out more around the house and with meal preparations, she sat them down and drew up a list of weekly duties for which they would be responsible. Since they were in their early teens, she was surprised that they readily accepted the challenge. Her daughter Janine told her that they were starting to worry about her, and it was a relief to her and her brother that they were able to help relieve some of the pressure. Janine even volunteered to come to the deli after school and help with some of the baking for the next day.
Anita designated an hour every evening as her time, a time when she could do her own thing and not be disturbed by the children. She would light a candle, draw herself a bubble bath, and prepare to let go of all her worldly problems. To get herself relaxed she would do some deep breathing exercises. Anita had always loved to dance and made a point of getting out every weekend with a couple of her friends.
In her deli the situation with staffing didn't get much better, but Anita tried to constantly remind herself that the people she hired would not have the same kind of commitment to the business that she did. This helped her let go of some expectations and she found herself becoming more tolerant of her staff. Before, whenever she saw one of her employees standing around, waiting at the till when there was no customer there and other work to be done, she would get quite angry. At times, she became so angry that she did not feel like talking to them. By the time she did, she would come across as irate. Often the employee would become annoyed right back, or worse, not say anything but bring it out in a passive-aggressive manner by avoiding her, or being rude and belligerent toward customers. Now, if an employee is causing Anita stress, she takes some time out to think of other things and refocus before approaching them. She finds herself less angry and the staff members have responded by being less defensive and more open to her feedback.
Although life is still a struggle and there are periods of rough water, there are now periods of peace and tranquility for Anita.
“Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.”
—DR. HANS SELYE
Techniques for Reducing Stress
- Go for walks in nature. Focus on your surroundings and listen for the sounds of birds and other animals. Pay attention to the smells and colors.
- Get a tape of nature sounds and listen to it regularly. Purchase a water fountain or aquarium with fish. The sound of water is very relaxing.
- Learn some basic meditation techniques. Lie down or sit where you are comfortable and won't be disturbed. Take turns visualizing that your toes are getting heavy, then your ankles, feet, and legs. Work your way up to relax every portion of your body, one part at a time. Practice deep breathing, drawing in breath slowly from your abdomen.
- Get a pet. Dogs and cats that are affectionate and like attention are a good choice. Stroking and petting soft, furry animals is very relaxing.
- Spend time with hobbies and activities in which you can totally engross yourself. If you love music, take time to lose yourself in your pieces. If you love working with your hands, take on a project that requires your entire attention.
- Go to one funny movie or play. Share some laughs with friends. Think of humorous situations and stories you can share with them. See who can come up with the funniest story of the evening.