CHAPTER 17
Impulse Control
“A true history of human events would show that a far larger proportion of our acts are the result of sudden impulses and accident than of reason of which we so often boast.”
—ALBERT COOPER, BRITISH PARLIAMENTARIAN
The importance of impulse control in our lives can be demonstrated by an experiment that was conducted on a group of four-year-olds at Stanford University in the early 1960s. Placed in a room, the four-year-olds had a marshmallow placed in front of each one of them. The adults then told the children that they were going to leave the room for ten minutes. The children were also told that when the adults came back, the children who still had their marshmallow would get another one. Ten minutes is a long time for four-year-olds to sit and stare at a marshmallow and not eat it. About one-third of the children gobbled up the marshmallow right away. Some waited a little longer. Some licked the marshmallow; some took little nibbles but resisted the temptation. About one-third of the kids were able to hold out and were rewarded with an extra marshmallow. Since the parents of the children were all university professors, who tended not to move very often, it was relatively easy to do follow-up research on them.
The children were divided into two groups and compared on a number of different levels when they reached high school. Very real differences were found between how well the two groups were functioning. The ones who had eaten their marshmallow first were having markedly more problems at school and home compared with the group that resisted giving in to their impulse. The marshmallow resisters had the habits of successful people. On a personal level they were more positive, persistent in the face of difficulty, self-motivating, and continued to demonstrate an ability to delay gratification. Their incomes were higher, their marriages more successful, and they had better health, greater career satisfaction, and more fulfilling lives than most people. The ones who immediately ate their marshmallow, on the other hand, were having a great deal of difficulty in many areas of their lives. They tended to be more indecisive, stubborn, and mistrustful, less self-confident, and continued to have problems delaying gratification. This resulted in low job satisfaction, troubled marriages, low incomes, bad health, and frustrating lives.
An Unchecked Mouth
There have likely been more careers stalled and opportunities lost on the job due to people saying the wrong thing at the wrong time than for any other reason. One outburst of unchecked anger has often come back to haunt the person who exploded. Likewise, saying hurtful things in a fit of rage and anger can permanently damage relationships with those close to us. We have all said and done things when angry that we wish we could take back. Often it is too late because the damage has been done.
This is not a problem that affects only us ordinary folks. Think of all of the celebrities and politicians whose careers and reputations have been permanently damaged, or totally ruined, by shooting off at the mouth before their brain was actively engaged.
Unchecked Spending
Impulse buying creates financial hardship and ruin for thousands of North Americans. Instead of saving money for a larger home or a nicer car many opt for the instant gratification fix and overextend themselves on their mortgages and car loans. Although corporate greed and the banks are often blamed for this practice, it would not have been possible without large numbers of people who were unwilling to delay gratification. While the lending institutions invariably take advantage of people's gullibility, the unmanageable debt wouldn't happen if consumers had the ability to wait until they could afford their homes or cars, or make due with homes they could afford.
Impulse Control and Spontaneity
Sometimes low impulse control can be confused with spontaneity and flexibility, which are good attributes to have. Let me give you an example, which I hope will demonstrate the difference. One evening you and a friend are taking your car out to get it washed. On the way back, you suddenly decide that you have a craving for a double fudge sundae and, unannounced, pull into a Dairy Queen. Your friend thinks it's a good idea and decides that he would like one as well. That is spontaneity. It is fun and there are no potential serious negative consequences. People who are spontaneous and flexible are normally fun to be with, as they are open to trying new things, changing plans, and doing things on the spur of the moment. This breaks up routine and adds spice to life.
Take the same situation with another ending. You and your friend are returning home after washing your car and on the way pass a car dealership. In the driveway, you spot a red sports car that grabs your attention. You turn into the lot, and after getting behind the steering wheel, you decide you must have it. Your friend, who is rather immature and not looking out for your best interests, dares you to buy it. Buying it will put you into serious financial hardship. You are married with two small children and are barely able to make the mortgage payments on the house that you bought six months ago. However, the thought of how cool you will look in your new toy overwhelms you, and the salesman soon has your signature on the sales contract. You now have to go home and explain this to your spouse, who is already stressed out over the family finances. This is a lack of impulse control. Had you thought through all the consequences of making the decision, you likely would not have bought the car.
The Ten-Second Method
Simply counting to ten before speaking or acting is likely the easiest and best advice to give someone who suffers from impulse control problems, as it allows time for our thinking process to start. The counting to ten practice has proven effective in anger management programs and will work for impulse control just as well. Once we start to think, our reactions will be muted or changed so that the chances of saying or doing something we will later regret significantly decrease.
I use the counting to ten practice myself whenever I get into situations where I find myself being hijacked by my emotions. Several months ago, I was driving along in the right lane of a three-lane street in the city. It was early in the afternoon and the traffic was fairly light. Suddenly a car cut directly in front of me, causing me to slow down suddenly. Angry, my first impulse was to blow my horn to show him that I was unhappy with his behavior. My first thoughts were that the driver was a selfish person, who, realizing he had to turn right at the last minute was prepared to slow down all the traffic in my lane, and risk an accident just so he would not have to go a few extra blocks to get to where he was going. Instead of giving in to my impulse to let him know how much I disapproved of his behavior, I started counting to ten. As I started to count, I noticed that he had not signaled a right turn. Still thinking that he intended to turn right I considered that his not signaling was just another indication of his inconsideration for others. By the time I counted to ten, however, my anger had gone down and I no longer had the urge to blow the horn. I was by now more curious than anything, wondering what he was going to do next. Then I heard the siren. An ambulance was coming down the center lane. Instead of being the selfish jerk that I originally thought he was, the driver, having seen the ambulance before I did, was getting out of the way. Imagine how I would have felt had I given in to my first impulse? It could have been worse. In a moment of anger I could have swerved into the left lane, right into the path of the upcoming ambulance.
Road rage incidents are becoming a serious issue on U.S. highways and are taking their toll on our health, finances, and emotional well-being. It seems that people feel invincible surrounded by their automobiles and it becomes safe to let out their frustrations. This frequently results in tragic consequences with situations erupting into violence, resulting in people being seriously injured, even killed. Fortunately, armed with a few simple techniques, most people can overcome the first destructive temptations that cause escalations in road rage incidents that lead to a destructive ending.
Dealing with Emotions on the Spot
Unless we are able to find ways of effectively dealing with everyday frustrations effectively on the spot, the effects will carry over into other areas of our lives. Still feeling frustrated and angry over an incident on the way to work, we might take our frustrations out at our boss, coworkers, employees, or customers. Becoming angry over an incident before we leave work can result in us snapping at our wives, husbands, partners, children, and pets. When I'm aware that I'm still carrying strong emotions from work to home, I sit in my car for a few minutes, close my eyes, get centered, and breathe from my abdomen. I concentrate on releasing the anger from my body. When I feel calm, collected, and centered I head toward the house. If time doesn't allow for this, as when I have a meeting or appointment that I will be late for, I breathe deeply, releasing negative energy as I am walking from the parking lot to my work site.
“For in truth we who are creatures of impulse are creatures of despair.”
—AUTHOR JOSEPH CONRAD
Shaun's Story
When it came to obtaining a job and advancing in it, Shaun was his own worst enemy. It wasn't a lack of ability, talent, or opportunity that held him back. He had a university degree and was considered to be a bright guy by those who knew him. But impulsive outbursts at inappropriate times had cost him opportunities for job promotions and even came out at times during interviews.
After years of underemployment, Shaun had an opportunity to get a position in the human resources field in which he had been trained. Since he was basically qualified, he got an interview. The job was in a small town—a two-hour drive from the city in which he lived. He knew his chances of getting a job in a small office were better because they had problems recruiting and keeping qualified people.
Shaun got the job. This was the break that he so badly needed and had wished for. Now the challenge was to stay positive and avoid the impulsive anger episodes that had cost him so dearly in the past.
It wasn't long before Shaun was put to the test. The company was part of a large conglomerate that had branches in all major cities, including his own. Shaun was hoping to transfer back to his hometown, and the sooner the better. He had kept his home in the city and rented a place in the small town, where he stayed in during the week. On weekends, which he lived for, he came back to the city.
Within a month of starting his new job, Shaun saw a job posting on his e-mail at work for a position with his company back in his hometown. Seeing an opportunity to get back there he applied immediately. The next day his manager, Steven, called him into his office. “So I hear you're applying for a job back in Tucson,” he said. “We've got you for a year. I understand you wanting to transfer back home, but we have to train you and everything.” Shaun had not been told anything about the one-year rule, and it had not been in the contract he had signed when he started to work. The first thought that came to mind was that this was a bunch of BS, and how could they get away with this?
In the past, he would have gotten angry and confronted his boss about the company having a hidden agenda. Not this time, however. Shaun waited until his anger began to fade, and then forced his thoughts back to what his purpose was for being there and what he needed to come away with in this situation. He concentrated on the fact that he would need Steven's support and reference to have a chance of getting a transfer back to Tucson. Hiding his anger and disappointment, he told Steven that he hadn't realized he was expected to be there a year but he understood the reasons for it. Steven was relieved that Shaun was taking it better than expected and joked, “It was worth a try.”
Shaun had taken a very significant step in his self-improvement program. Resigned to putting in at least one year, he was now determined to make the most of the situation. Although his coworkers were friendly and supportive, they were small-town people with whom he had very little in common.
After about six months on the job, Shaun's new impulse control skills were about to be put to the test again. He had been hired to carry out primarily human resources consulting work. The job had been advertised as such and his job description stated it, although part of his duties was helping with administrative tasks whenever the need arose. This need, he had been led to believe, was to cover for holidays and helping out during brief, busy periods. This he had been prepared for and accepted as part of working in a small office. Up to this point, his work had been going well. Janet, his direct supervisor, was seldom around and left him alone to do his job. He appreciated the independence of not having anyone constantly watching over his shoulder.
Then one day Janet dropped a bombshell on him. Shaun was to start doing administrative duties half-time. The administrative employee had developed a health issue that required her to work only part-time. This added insult to injury. First Shaun had been unjustly forced to stay in his job and denied the right to relocate. Now they were going to make him do something that clearly was outside of his job description. Although he was unable to put on fake enthusiasm, at least Shaun did not show his anger directly to his supervisor. Again, he forced himself to take time out before speaking. He thought of his goals, which were to get out of there as soon as possible. To do this, he realized, he needed his supervisor even more than the manager, since the supervisor would surely be asked for a reference on him prior to his obtaining a transfer.
When he thought about it, Shaun realized he had two choices. First, he could carry out his new administrative duties grudgingly, complaining the whole time. This would likely upset his supervisor, who would end up giving him a bad reference and ensure that he would not be getting a transfer any time soon. On the other hand, if he carried out his new duties at least without complaining, he might warrant a favorable reference. Since he would have to do the work in either scenario, thought Shaun, he might as well use it to his advantage. Shaun found that when he was able to give up resentment and anger over his situation, the time he spent at work became more pleasant.
Once Shaun's year was drawing to a close, he started to look at opportunities back in Tucson. He had a couple of interviews but was unsuccessful. Then a position came up that he not only had a strong interest in but it offered a promotion as well. The interview seemed to go well. Shaun had done his homework and was prepared. A few days later, he had a question for his supervisor. The door to Janet's office was open as he approached. She was talking to someone on the phone. He heard her say, “He's really a good team player.” At this point she saw him, said something to the person she was talking to, and got up to close the door, sheepishly apologizing to Shaun, telling him she was having a private conversation.
It took him a few minutes to realize that she was in the process of giving him a reference. Embarrassed, his supervisor later confirmed to him that this was what he had interrupted. Shaun started to get his hopes up, knowing that all the signs were there telling him that he had a good chance of not only getting back home but into a more rewarding job. The next day his phone rang. On the display screen he could see that the call was coming from his company's personnel office in Tucson. His heart began to race. Taking a deep breath he picked up the phone, trying not to sound too excited or eager. The voice on the other end offered him the job.
It was all he could do not to scream at the top of his lungs that yes, of course he would take it. When he hung up the phone his first impulse was to go running down the aisles, pumping his fist in the air and shouting, “YES! YES! YES!” He resisted the impulse to do it, since taking the mandatory time out to think about it made him realize that some of his coworkers might not share his joy. They had treated him well and it occurred to him that some might take this eagerness to leave their work site as a personal repudiation of them. Instead he sat there for a long time…just savoring the moment. God, but it felt great! The monster within that had caused him to miss so many opportunities in the past was finally safely behind bars…and he held the key!
“If I ever marry it will be on a sudden impulse—as a man shoots himself.”
—H. L. MENCKEN, AMERICAN JOURNALIST, ESSAYIST, MAGAZINE EDITOR, SATIRIST, AND ACERBIC CRITIC OF AMERICAN LIFE AND CULTURE
Techniques to Reduce Destructive Impulses
- Practice counting to ten before reacting to any strong feelings with potential negative consequences.
- Wait until you feel you are in control of your words before speaking.
- If you have to, physically leave the situation.
- Think of situations when you got angry and the situation was not what you thought it was. For example, the other day while I was in a public restroom, someone kept trying the door, even though it was obviously locked. I found myself starting to get angry. My first reaction would have been to shout out, “What is your problem? Can't you tell that someone's in here!” When I thought about it, however, I came to the conclusion that a normal person would not act in that manner. Upon exiting, I saw that the person on the other side had a mental disability, and I was grateful for not having given in to my first impulse.
- Find someone or a group where it is safe to release anger and other strong feelings. There are a couple of organizations listed at the end of this book for both men and women that welcome and work with emotions.
- Whenever you feel your emotions slipping away, think of a goal, something positive you want to leave the situation with.
- Use poor impulsive decisions you've made to your advantage. You can do this by remembering them whenever you find yourself tempted to be destructively impulsive.
- Post a sticky note for yourself somewhere that you see daily (on your mirror in the bathroom or the dash of your car). The note should say something along the lines of “Whenever I find myself tempted I will remember the time I _________________________.”
- Reward yourself for not giving in to a strong negative emotion by doing something for yourself you would not normally do.
- Ask trusted family members or friends to confront you if they see that you are about to act impulsively.