CHAPTER 18
Happiness
“The secret of happiness is this: Let your interests be as wide as possible, and let your reactions to the things and persons that interest you be as far as possible friendly rather than hostile.”
—BERTRAND RUSSELL, BRITISH PHILOSOPHER, MATHEMATICIAN, AND NOBEL LAUREATE
Are you happy? This has got to be one of the most basic questions of life, one we have asked and been asked many times. We all think we understand happiness, but do we really? Do we know when we are feeling joy? Are we able to truly tell if those we are close to are happy?
At the end of the day, when all is said and done, happiness seems to be the most important thing. After all, if in the end we don't have it, what does the rest matter? Americans are so enthralled with the idea of happiness that they enshrined the right to pursue it in the U.S. Constitution. Why is it that even though we have material wealth, which is the envy of millions who are less fortunate, many of us are discontent? In North America, despite the fact that people's income has substantially increased over the last forty years, there is no corresponding increase in happiness. Up to 25 percent of Americans at any given time claim that they are depressed. Less than 30 percent of Americans claim that they are very happy.
The Secret? There Is No Secret
There is no real secret to finding happiness. It isn't found in some magic formula that some people seem to have discovered and others have not. All of the studies that have been done on joyful people have come up with the same basic answers. A part of our happiness is determined by our genes. We are brought up with an inherent level of happiness that we inherit when we are born. Estimates are that that makes up about 50 percent of our happiness level. Our happiness is preset at a certain level and even though events in our lives can change that level, within a couple of years we seem to return to that level. There seems to be no difference as to whether that event boosts our happiness or diminishes it. Lottery winners who won large sums of money became happier over a short period of time after winning, but within a couple of years were back to the level they were at before. The same held true for people who had the misfortune of becoming confined to wheelchairs. It was also found that within a couple of years they had returned to their previous happiness level.
Qualities of Happiness
Dan Baker, the director of the Life Enhancement Program at Canyon Ranch, has experienced what makes people happy firsthand. In his book, What Happy People Know, he has this to say:
You can't just decide to be happy any more than you can decide to be taller. That's because happiness is not a finite entity unto itself, but is the sum of the twelve most important qualities of happiness: love, optimism, courage, a sense of freedom, proactivity, security, health, spirituality, altruism, perspective, humor, and purpose. These are the things you should make up your mind to achieve.
One of the ways that we can develop these qualities is to do things that make us feel good. Whenever we do something that makes us feel good, we are more receptive to all of the qualities that lead to happiness. Often the thing that makes me feel good is giving attention to my two apricot poodles, Buddy and Korky. I can spend hours sitting on the sofa, one of the poodles curled up on each side of me enjoying being scratched or getting massaged. The other thing that makes me happy is my writing. When I get excited about explaining something that I feel is important, I find myself becoming totally engrossed in it.
Find things that engross you, that take all of your focus and attention. Look for opportunities to do more of the things that totally engross you and always be on the lookout for new things to try that you think you may enjoy. Think of a song that makes you feel good, better yet sing an upbeat happy song or tune. Always be open to new experiences as we are not always a good judge of whether we will enjoy something until we try it. Keep an open mind to all new experiences. See exploring sources of happiness as an adventure.”1
Mental Habits of the Happy
Marci Shimoff found one hundred of the happiest people and studied them to determine what they had in common. She discovered that: “Instead of being overrun with negative thoughts or constantly going into fight-or-flight mode, happy people have habits that allow them to respond more easily from their higher brain center, the neo-cortex. From my interviews with the Happy 100, I've found that they don't believe everything they think.”2 According to her research, happy people also tend not to take their negative thoughts verbatim but question their validity while making an effort to rise above them. They don't spend a lot of time and energy wrestling with their negative thoughts, as they are confident that they will be able to rise above them and those thoughts will pass. Happy people tend to get into their positive thoughts and squeeze out every ounce of joy.
Every time we catch ourselves having a negative thought, we should get into the habit of trying to find something positive in the situation to focus on. At first this may seem like a lot of work, but after a while it will become automatic. It will limit the amount of time and energy that we spend time on the negative. If you are unable to do this at times, simply try to let the thought go. Try to focus on something else, such as:
- A favorite piece of music.
- A good time that you had with family or friends.
- Noticing something in your environment and ask yourself questions about it. For example, if you find yourself angry about something when driving, notice the cars around you. Which one stands out for you? What makes it stand out? Imagine yourself driving one.
Don't struggle to find a positive thought if one doesn't come immediately, just focus on something that is neutral. Some people have an elastic band on their wrists and snap it whenever they find themselves having negative thoughts. This helps to break the thought for the moment and makes it easier to move on to a thought that is positive.
On the other hand, draw out positive thoughts as much as you can. Focus on them and build on them by thinking of other positive experiences when these begin to wane. Although it is difficult to constantly monitor what we think about, our feelings are a good indicator of the kinds of thoughts we are having. If we are feeling good, the thoughts will be positive ones.
The Magic of Focus
In his book Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi writes that there is a close connection between happiness and concentration. He set up a research study that grew to encompass more than ten thousand people over a twenty-five year period. Subjects in the research study were paged at random and asked to rate their level of happiness whenever the pagers were activated. It was found that the more immersed the subjects were in whatever task they were doing, the higher was their level of happiness. Curiously, the subjects were not always able to predict which activity would make them happy. However, it was found that whenever they were totally involved in something and the pager brought them out of their concentration, they realized that they had been very happy doing the activity. From his lengthy research, Csikszentmihalyi concluded that happiness was strongly linked to focus and rarely could we be happy unless we were also focused. Another interesting conclusion that he came to was that we only experience happiness after the event is completed. While we are deeply immersed in whatever the event is that is bringing us happiness, we are too focused to be aware that we are happy. We can only enjoy the happiness from the experience after it has occurred.
Happiness Comes from Within
Many people feel that they will be happy when they buy that new house, find that great partner, get that new car, or get that job promotion. Once these things come about, they feel that they will be truly happy. Others think that they will find happiness in addictive behaviors such as alcohol and gambling. What that does is temporarily numb the pain of unhappiness. When the addiction wears off they find themselves no happier than before. It has been discovered by researchers that about 50 percent of our happiness is genetic. Apparently we are born with a certain predisposition to happiness. Research has shown us, however, that things outside of ourselves, such as material possessions and relationships with others make up only a small percentage of our overall happiness, less than 10 percent. That leaves up to 40 percent of happiness that we create from within. And we can create it if we keep the following things in mind.
- We choose how we react to all situations. As Victor Frankl, a concentration camp survivor, demonstrated, we have ultimate control over how we choose to react in all situations. Even in the midst of the horror of a concentration camp, he was able to find examples of human kindness and decency. He was able to find enough positives to allow him to struggle on every day and survive. One of the ways we can cultivate looking for the positive is to keep a gratitude book. At the end of every day, write down all the things you have to be grateful for that day. The more we think of the things we are grateful for, the easier it will be to react positively in all situations.
- Anyone can be happy when things are going right; it takes a great deal of emotional intelligence to laugh when things are not going well. In good times, even a pessimist can find something to be thankful for. However, during difficult times it is easy for those whose predominant thoughts are negative to fall back into negative thinking patterns. This is where daily habits of gratitude will make all the difference. During difficult times, those who are used to being positive and experiencing good feelings will have a large pool to draw from. It is in difficult times where we will see the real benefits of consistently building up our positive thoughts and gratitude. Those practices will sustain us over difficult periods. Optimists as well will be able to say “This too shall pass” as their belief is that the universe is basically good and difficult times are only temporary.
- Don't underestimate the power that one person has to change the mood of others around them. Have you ever watched a powerful speaker control a crowd, bringing forth powerful emotions such as joy, fear, and anger? Many powerful orators have been able to whip huge crowds of people into a frenzy. Yet, we all have tremendous capability for influencing the mood of others around us. Have you ever experienced one negative person dragging down the mood of a group of people in a room? On the other hand, have you seen a room get brighter and livelier when an upbeat positive person speaks? Become a person who brightens up a room when you enter. If you have ever experienced this, you will know what a wonderful and powerful feeling this is.
“What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.”
—FRENCH NOVELIST COLETTE
Yip's Story
One of the bad habits that I have been working at breaking is my tendency to exceed the speed limit when driving within city limits. Because of this behavior, I've taken many trips to the local courthouse. Despite my best efforts at explaining to the judge the unique circumstances of my situation, guilty is the usual verdict. After the courtroom experience, there is the matter of standing in the fine payment lineup waiting for the next available cashier. There is a ritual that goes along with this. Often people in these lines like to share their frustrations with the other unfortunate souls in the same situation. Nobody is ever happy to be there. The atmosphere of the place is somber; rarely is anyone smiling or laughing.
The cashier at the fine-paying desk is the first person they see after their hearing, and she is taking their hard-earned money. Naturally, there will be a lot of misdirected anger and frustration directed toward these people. There had apparently been enough problems that a couple of signs had been erected. They stated: “ZERO TOLERANCE: Swearing, cursing, or raising your voice will not be tolerated at this work site. If you engage in these behaviors, staff will refuse to serve you.”
Recently, I was standing in line at the local courthouse waiting to pay a speeding ticket. Ahead of me in front of the cashier's wicket was a small Asian man. He was laughing, and continued to laugh, as he rolled off the bills to pay his fine. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. Likely some thought he must be drunk, high on something, or “not all there.” Before leaving he said, “Now I'm free.” Being the next person in line, I went to take his spot. The cashier was one who had served me before. If her expression could be translated into words, it would say, “Don't give me any crap, don't tell me any stories, do your business as quickly as possible, and get the hell out of my face!”
Today, however, there was a strange expression on her face. It almost looked as if there was a smile developing on her face, a little forced maybe, but a smile all the same. Noticing the change, I worked up my courage and approached her in a different manner. I remarked to the cashier that I had never seen anyone so happy about paying a fine. We both got a chuckle out of this, and I joked that there was no place to include a tip on the charge card slip that I had to sign. By this time she was in good humor, her smile broad, open, and relaxed. A complete stranger had infected us both, making our business both fun and pleasant, and brightening our day. Walking away I had the feeling that this was a very special moment, the type that rarely occurs in our lives. When it does, it happens for a purpose.
I had no way of knowing fate had decided that I would meet the stranger in a line that turned around the mood of at least two people that fateful day.
It is quite common for me to work after hours in my office. Often the janitors come around and clean around me as I'm working away. I noticed that they were almost all foreigners, probably recent immigrants who likely would have trouble finding other types of employment. When I tried to strike up basic conversations with them, they responded in very broken English. One day I noticed a slight, short, Asian gentleman, whom I had not seen before. “I've seen him somewhere before,” I thought. Suddenly, it occurred to me that he was the man in line at the courthouse. Fascinated by this turn of events, I tried to make small talk with him. Whatever it was that made this man tick, I vowed to find out.
Over a period of time we began chatting on a regular basis. Knowing that he would be coming in, I'd put on a pot of coffee and ask him to take a break and join me. Slowly he overcame his shyness and reservations and began to share tidbits of his past with me.
Eventually, after months had passed, I felt comfortable enough around Yip to tell him that I had been in line on the day he paid his fine and witnessed his interaction with the cashier. To explain, he talked about what it had been like at home. Yip had come from Vietnam, one of the boat people who risked their lives in open seas, crowded into the rusty hulks of anything that floated, for a chance at freedom and a new life. In southern Vietnam he had been a schoolteacher. After the Communists took over, he was forced to teach a lot of things he did not believe in. Yip had been imprisoned for continuing to teach his students subjects that were forbidden under the Communists. When you were charged with something, you were on the authorities' blacklist forever. Records were kept on you and you were watched. Coworkers spied on you and reported any suspicious activities. Even though you did your time, and paid for whatever it was that you were accused of, you were never really free from it. In his new country it was different. When you paid your fine, you were really free.
People who are positive and happy are naturally attracted to others who are positive. You know the old saying, “Misery loves company.” Do you want to attract miserable people into your life? It's easy to do—all you have to do is be miserable. On the other hand, happy people do their best to avoid miserable people. Run, don't walk, away from negative people. They will drain your energy. There is something positive in all situations that you encounter, although it may not always be clear or evident at the moment.
Unlike Yip, I could not see the positive in paying a traffic fine. His gift was in demonstrating that there is an upside to every situation if you look hard enough. Make it a habit to always look for the positive, even in situations where it is far from obvious. Challenge yourself to find something good in unpleasant situations. When you do find it, focus on it. It has been proven that we are only able to hold on to one thought at a time. Choose to think positive.
Techniques for Increasing Your Happiness
- Keep a gratitude book. At the end of the day, before going to bed, write down ten things that happened today that you are grateful for.
- Volunteer to help someone less fortunate than yourself.
- Call someone you care about and haven't seen for a while just to see how they are doing.
- Look for opportunities to compliment others on their appearance, a job well done, or a selfless act.
- Carry out random acts of kindness.
Notes
1. Dan Baker, Ph.D., What Happy People Know, How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better (New York: St. Martin's Griffin, 2003), p. 77.
2. Marci Shimoff, Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out (New York: Free Press, 2008), p. 90.